Class of February 2013 Part 7
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If it makes you feel any better the home help I have are angels. I couldn't be without them.
I understand the conflicting emotions, but I don't see it as anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed at at all
D
I understand the conflicting emotions, but I don't see it as anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed at at all
D
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by Easyrider 
The last two days I've actually cooked, from scratch two home cooked meals! It might not sound much to some people but for me it's a big deal and I've got meals planned for the rest of the week too. It's a big change from surviving on cider, takeaways and fried egg sandwiches. If you're interested I made penne al'arriabata which was very nice and a red lentil curry...which needs some improvement lol. I'd be interested to see if anyone other budding chefs has any recipes I could try too.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
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Serene -- Congratulations on 120 days! And as always, thanks for the good word from up ahead on the trail. I always appreciate hearing your updates about how the next stretch looks!
Starbaby -- What a lot to deal with. I second everyone else's opinion on the ex's call... heart-breaking, but far more reflective on her than on you. One other quick point... it sounds like your sponsor worded her advice a little harshly. I'm sure she meant well but I hope you don't internalize the idea that you're a "time bomb".
Venus -- If it helps, I've been in that situation from the reverse and it's hardly ever as clear cut as you imagine. I was back in my hometown a year or two ago and my father and I went out to dinner. The waitress was a girl I went to school with and I could tell from the way our conversation went that she was embarrassed and defensive to still be working there (it's not a town where young adults live really, and not a particularly nice restaurant). And it was very awkward because I'd been living in another country and everything about my life sounded really fancy. Meanwhile, I was basically broke, I was an alcoholic, my job was consuming my life, and my personal life was a disaster because of dating violent men. Was her job great? No, it was a pretty lame job. But man, it's just a job. I didn't judge her at all and I actually just felt how unfair it was that my setbacks, which were probably more severe than hers, were completely hidden from view whereas hers were on public display.
So.. you probably know this.. but just because on the surface it seems like they've got the upper hand, you really can't compare lives so easily. Cleaning houses - not the coolest job in the world, no. But having a rebirth and getting in touch with how to live your best life?? Most people never do that, no matter what their job is.
Melissa -- WHY HAS NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT FRIED AVOCADO. Oh my god! I'm an east coast kid, I had no idea. All these California folk have been holding out on me. I am making this tomorrow!!
I always appreciate hearing your updates about how the next stretch looks!Starbaby -- What a lot to deal with. I second everyone else's opinion on the ex's call... heart-breaking, but far more reflective on her than on you. One other quick point... it sounds like your sponsor worded her advice a little harshly. I'm sure she meant well but I hope you don't internalize the idea that you're a "time bomb".
Venus -- If it helps, I've been in that situation from the reverse and it's hardly ever as clear cut as you imagine. I was back in my hometown a year or two ago and my father and I went out to dinner. The waitress was a girl I went to school with and I could tell from the way our conversation went that she was embarrassed and defensive to still be working there (it's not a town where young adults live really, and not a particularly nice restaurant). And it was very awkward because I'd been living in another country and everything about my life sounded really fancy. Meanwhile, I was basically broke, I was an alcoholic, my job was consuming my life, and my personal life was a disaster because of dating violent men. Was her job great? No, it was a pretty lame job. But man, it's just a job. I didn't judge her at all and I actually just felt how unfair it was that my setbacks, which were probably more severe than hers, were completely hidden from view whereas hers were on public display.
So.. you probably know this.. but just because on the surface it seems like they've got the upper hand, you really can't compare lives so easily. Cleaning houses - not the coolest job in the world, no. But having a rebirth and getting in touch with how to live your best life?? Most people never do that, no matter what their job is.
Melissa -- WHY HAS NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT FRIED AVOCADO. Oh my god! I'm an east coast kid, I had no idea. All these California folk have been holding out on me. I am making this tomorrow!!
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Originally Posted by fantail
So.. you probably know this.. but just because on the surface it seems like they've got the upper hand, you really can't compare lives so easily. Cleaning houses - not the coolest job in the world, no. But having a rebirth and getting in touch with how to live your best life?? Most people never do that, no matter what their job is.
And the fried avocado? I am drooling. Mel, how do you do it exactly?
V xx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Hi Venus -
When it rains it pours!
Fantail's words of wisdom match my personal experience as well - everyone has their own challenges.
To build on that with more of a long term focus - sounds like as you're progressing in your recovery that you're maybe getting signals that long term you would get a lot of personal satisfaction from a different job. Thing is, change is hard, and we don't like to make changes unless it gets really uncomfortable. All these little pain points become motivational gems later on.
Gotta run - I wanted to surface that though your comments I'm picking up the very early beginnings of someone who is going to choose a different path than they have been on...and that early part has a tendency to have rough water, be full of confusion, etc.
Sounds like you're on the right track!
Hugs!
When it rains it pours!
Fantail's words of wisdom match my personal experience as well - everyone has their own challenges.
To build on that with more of a long term focus - sounds like as you're progressing in your recovery that you're maybe getting signals that long term you would get a lot of personal satisfaction from a different job. Thing is, change is hard, and we don't like to make changes unless it gets really uncomfortable. All these little pain points become motivational gems later on.
Gotta run - I wanted to surface that though your comments I'm picking up the very early beginnings of someone who is going to choose a different path than they have been on...and that early part has a tendency to have rough water, be full of confusion, etc.
Sounds like you're on the right track!
Hugs!
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hi all, sorry to be so behind in posting it's been one heck of a second week in a row and it's only Monday. mostly good crazy, and still sober! i'll read and post when I can, please know i'm thinking about you all!!! take care, wehav
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easyrider,nice share. I think you are right about the breakthrough. now you can do something about it. cool, good for you!
odelle,glad you are back!
serene,rock on with 120 days!!! it's funny how you talk about your "second 90." I've been thinking that way lately. when I first quit, I was focused on not drinking period. when my appetite got better and the sweets cravings hit, I let myself eat anything and everything to concentrate on the other stuff in the last 3 weeks or so, I've told myself that after 90 days i'm going to shift the focus on getting healthier period. I've started in the last week, so hopefully it won't be such a shock on weds. lol. only had some ice cream on the weekend, no sweets otherwise. and more exercise. not back to the gym yet, but it's a start. take care, and good luck!
fantail,isn't it funny how we can actually PEER PRESSURE OURSELVES?!? :-) my brother in California used to be my biggest drinking buddy. one time I went home and hadn't drank in 6 months. so I chickened out on telling him and drank. relapsed. over a year after that, I finally got the courage to tell him I had a problem and needed to quit. he decided to quit with me! another group of gals I used to party with invited me to one of their weekend getaways. this is usually vice fest. smokers smoke, tokers toke, drinkers drink. I did none of the above, and, drumroll, NOBODY CARED. lol, I so worried and nobody seemed to notice, let alone ask about my non-drinking.
take care everyone! more work, then some camping and a paddle. seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel. :-)
odelle,glad you are back!
serene,rock on with 120 days!!! it's funny how you talk about your "second 90." I've been thinking that way lately. when I first quit, I was focused on not drinking period. when my appetite got better and the sweets cravings hit, I let myself eat anything and everything to concentrate on the other stuff in the last 3 weeks or so, I've told myself that after 90 days i'm going to shift the focus on getting healthier period. I've started in the last week, so hopefully it won't be such a shock on weds. lol. only had some ice cream on the weekend, no sweets otherwise. and more exercise. not back to the gym yet, but it's a start. take care, and good luck!
fantail,isn't it funny how we can actually PEER PRESSURE OURSELVES?!? :-) my brother in California used to be my biggest drinking buddy. one time I went home and hadn't drank in 6 months. so I chickened out on telling him and drank. relapsed. over a year after that, I finally got the courage to tell him I had a problem and needed to quit. he decided to quit with me! another group of gals I used to party with invited me to one of their weekend getaways. this is usually vice fest. smokers smoke, tokers toke, drinkers drink. I did none of the above, and, drumroll, NOBODY CARED. lol, I so worried and nobody seemed to notice, let alone ask about my non-drinking.
take care everyone! more work, then some camping and a paddle. seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel. :-)
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Wehav -- Definitely! Last week at the picnic/hike I went to everyone had made various concoctions to bring with them. Anytime I'd be chatting with someone new they'd offer me whatever they were carrying. It took me half the day to realize they stopped listening after the word "no", and my little explanation was totally unnecessary.
That's really awesome to hear about your brother. I'm really nervous about going home this summer and need to remind myself that my family probably more than anyone else will be glad that I'm not drinking.
That's really awesome to hear about your brother. I'm really nervous about going home this summer and need to remind myself that my family probably more than anyone else will be glad that I'm not drinking.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
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Productive day. Felt really wonderful all day, which had the side effect of making me feel kind of crazy, given how down I was on Friday. But I took advantage and got a bunch of annoying tasks knocked off my to do list, including a couple job applications.
I have officially gone through the first chunk of savings that I set aside as the "don't worry about it" cash. Eep!
On the positive side, before I quit drinking I estimated it would last me about three months. Instead it's lasted 6!
Anyway, I am now in "make some money" mode. I'm hoping I can do that by cobbling together a bunch of contracts rather than taking a full time job just yet (unless it's one of the really awesome jobs I've applied for, but given that there are only like 3 of those, unlikely).
I have officially gone through the first chunk of savings that I set aside as the "don't worry about it" cash. Eep!
On the positive side, before I quit drinking I estimated it would last me about three months. Instead it's lasted 6!
Anyway, I am now in "make some money" mode. I'm hoping I can do that by cobbling together a bunch of contracts rather than taking a full time job just yet (unless it's one of the really awesome jobs I've applied for, but given that there are only like 3 of those, unlikely).
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by venuscat
And the fried avocado? I am drooling. Mel, how do you do it exactly?
V xx
101 days. Woohoo. Seems like everyone is digging in deep and doing the hard stuff- some great revelations coming up.
Easy rider yours has particularly stuck with me- connecting this garden with a deeper issue- I love the symbolism between- the longer you let this problem grow the more overgrown your garden becomes.
Your revelations have got me thinking about my reasons for drinking. I know I drank for a few different reasons.
1. To escape. Escape from stress, from reality. To avoid dealing with my bad mood from work by making it go away. I am a avoider in general when arguing with my man I leave the room, when in a weird situation with a friend I avoid seeing them. I've been working on dealing with things more head on because the avoidance only creates anxiety.
2. I hate feeling left out and never wanted to miss out so I was always down to party. This stems from my earlier years being shy and friendless. Drinking made me the life of the party and once I got to college I continued to drink every night for the next six years. Honestly I did have a lot of good times drinking with my friends when i could control myself but the reality of it is that they more often would see me at my worst. And in some twisted way knowing they would always forgive me for my bad behavior made me feel loved by them. Gotta stew on that, I think there's more to this.
3. Once I hit a level something inside of me would take me over. After four drinks or so I was unstoppable and insatiable. One of the reasons I quit was finding out I chugged 3/4 of a solo cup of tequila when I was blacked out wasted and at least 10 drinks in already. I had no control over that or any of my actions. I blacked out and lost control very easily. I was afraid I was going to die. Was anyone else this type of drinker?
All for now, M.
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Originally Posted by melissa6381
3. Once I hit a level something inside of me would take me over. After four drinks or so I was unstoppable and insatiable. One of the reasons I quit was finding out I chugged 3/4 of a solo cup of tequila when I was blacked out wasted and at least 10 drinks in already. I had no control over that or any of my actions. I blacked out and lost control very easily. I was afraid I was going to die. Was anyone else this type of drinker?
But I dated a guy who had that kind of black out. Two, actually. And had a very good female friend in college. They were really frightening to watch. There were times with all three of them where I was terrified that something irrevocably bad was going to happen to them.
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Also... I know a few of you have mentioned that your parents drink. I just posted this is in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. It's long and OT so please feel free to skip, but if you have any thoughts I would love to hear them. Feeling a bit confused and torn up and this time it's not (just) the PAWS.
Hi there,
This is kind of an odd question but I've received so much great support on SR that it was my first thought to come here.
So I'm an alcoholic, sober three months. My dad was sober throughout my life, now drinks on very rare occasions but is largely sober. The reason for that wasn't his own alcoholism but his father's, who was a functioning but violent alcoholic. My mother's drinking was normal to rare.
The complicating factor is my sister. For various reasons, relating to her health at birth, she had a lot of emotional issues as a kid. Still does but she's become a mostly stable adult. But as a kid, she had a lot of trouble understanding people around her and would frequently get overwhelmed and go into these crazy rages. I've since then been around raging drunks and it was pretty similar. When she gets like this, it's like she isn't there. It's just the wall of pain and anger flying at you at full volume. Usually without much warning. I had cracks in my bedroom door from her trying to break it down. Babysitters would quit, friends would go away, etc.
Well, for a reason totally unrelated to my family, I looked today at an article about adult children of alcoholics. And it was this little checklist about common traits, and it described me. Like, pretty much every single item.
I've known for a long time that growing up with her damaged me on some level, because I've dated many emotionally abusive men and one physically abusive man and I just don't seem to realize it until it's too late. And also, my father and I seem to have the same cocktail of issues... I mostly attributed it to genetics, but sometimes he would specifically point out things that he thought came from being around his dad, and I would realize I felt the same from my sister.
But... now I'm just totally shaken. It was kind of similar, now that I think about it. We were constantly on eggshells. Out of nowhere everything would go wrong and everyone would be fighting or crying etc. I could never predict when it was going to happen or in front of who. It's still kind of like that and unfortunately it's usually at times that are stressful for her, so probably stressful for me as well (e.g. reblended family events). I have to drop everything and keep her from hurting herself or lashing out at people in ways that she'll regret. Or I get angry and fight back which makes everything worse, and then I feel horribly guilty afterwards for the things that I say.
Sorry this is so long. I know this isn't about a parent. But I guess I don't know what to do. It's so complicated because it isn't her fault. She's not a bad person. She's not even an addict. She was born this way and I know she suffers for it.
How do you put your life together when your internal compass is off? Reading that article just opened up this floodgate in me. I'm so sorry for the long post... but please if anyone has any advice about where I go from here, I would really appreciate it.
Hi there,
This is kind of an odd question but I've received so much great support on SR that it was my first thought to come here.
So I'm an alcoholic, sober three months. My dad was sober throughout my life, now drinks on very rare occasions but is largely sober. The reason for that wasn't his own alcoholism but his father's, who was a functioning but violent alcoholic. My mother's drinking was normal to rare.
The complicating factor is my sister. For various reasons, relating to her health at birth, she had a lot of emotional issues as a kid. Still does but she's become a mostly stable adult. But as a kid, she had a lot of trouble understanding people around her and would frequently get overwhelmed and go into these crazy rages. I've since then been around raging drunks and it was pretty similar. When she gets like this, it's like she isn't there. It's just the wall of pain and anger flying at you at full volume. Usually without much warning. I had cracks in my bedroom door from her trying to break it down. Babysitters would quit, friends would go away, etc.
Well, for a reason totally unrelated to my family, I looked today at an article about adult children of alcoholics. And it was this little checklist about common traits, and it described me. Like, pretty much every single item.
I've known for a long time that growing up with her damaged me on some level, because I've dated many emotionally abusive men and one physically abusive man and I just don't seem to realize it until it's too late. And also, my father and I seem to have the same cocktail of issues... I mostly attributed it to genetics, but sometimes he would specifically point out things that he thought came from being around his dad, and I would realize I felt the same from my sister.
But... now I'm just totally shaken. It was kind of similar, now that I think about it. We were constantly on eggshells. Out of nowhere everything would go wrong and everyone would be fighting or crying etc. I could never predict when it was going to happen or in front of who. It's still kind of like that and unfortunately it's usually at times that are stressful for her, so probably stressful for me as well (e.g. reblended family events). I have to drop everything and keep her from hurting herself or lashing out at people in ways that she'll regret. Or I get angry and fight back which makes everything worse, and then I feel horribly guilty afterwards for the things that I say.
Sorry this is so long. I know this isn't about a parent. But I guess I don't know what to do. It's so complicated because it isn't her fault. She's not a bad person. She's not even an addict. She was born this way and I know she suffers for it.
How do you put your life together when your internal compass is off? Reading that article just opened up this floodgate in me. I'm so sorry for the long post... but please if anyone has any advice about where I go from here, I would really appreciate it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Morning Fantail -
I haven't been significantly affected by alcoholic relatives, but I do know that from doing creative work, once I can 'name' the problem, then a whole new world opens up and I can actually make progress to improve the piece. Before that I can tell that "something is just off" and what I will try doesn't really seem quite right either. For me, prior to naming the problem, it feels like my 'seeing' compass is off (I do visual work), and I have a bunch of tactics that I've trained myself to use when I get stuck to get back on track. Interestingly I have found this pattern to be quite transferrable in recovery as well.
I know that you do creative work as well. Just an idea, but perhaps you could look to your own design process for guidance in informing you when your compass feels off too?
Someone else will hopefully come by with more informed insight on the specific topic
I haven't been significantly affected by alcoholic relatives, but I do know that from doing creative work, once I can 'name' the problem, then a whole new world opens up and I can actually make progress to improve the piece. Before that I can tell that "something is just off" and what I will try doesn't really seem quite right either. For me, prior to naming the problem, it feels like my 'seeing' compass is off (I do visual work), and I have a bunch of tactics that I've trained myself to use when I get stuck to get back on track. Interestingly I have found this pattern to be quite transferrable in recovery as well.
I know that you do creative work as well. Just an idea, but perhaps you could look to your own design process for guidance in informing you when your compass feels off too?
Someone else will hopefully come by with more informed insight on the specific topic
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
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Thank you Serene. Good advice. I guess it's that naming thing that has me so struck at the moment. It's not like any of the information is new, it's just been put in a different order.
Sorry for hijacking the thread these last few days everyone... Emotions!!
Sorry for hijacking the thread these last few days everyone...
Emotions!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by fantail View Post
So.. you probably know this.. but just because on the surface it seems like they've got the upper hand, you really can't compare lives so easily. Cleaning houses - not the coolest job in the world, no. But having a rebirth and getting in touch with how to live your best life?? Most people never do that, no matter what their job is.
hi all, coming late to reading all these great posts.
Venus, I agree with Fantail, I'd rather be an evolved gal than ignorant in a high class career. And that's what you are - evolved/ "In touch with how to live life". I hope you feeling better now, you don't deserve to feel so low x
So.. you probably know this.. but just because on the surface it seems like they've got the upper hand, you really can't compare lives so easily. Cleaning houses - not the coolest job in the world, no. But having a rebirth and getting in touch with how to live your best life?? Most people never do that, no matter what their job is.
Originally Posted by venuscat
fantail ~ you are a sweetheart. No, it didn't occur to me.... So very very grateful for your words!!!! ♥♥♥
Venus, I agree with Fantail, I'd rather be an evolved gal than ignorant in a high class career. And that's what you are - evolved/ "In touch with how to live life". I hope you feeling better now, you don't deserve to feel so low x
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Hi Fantail
I don't know much about ACOA...my own parents were not drinkers in the sense you and I know it.
My grandfather and uncles were but I can't say it affected any of us to any significant extent as kids, other than they scared me when we met.
I think there are a lot of similarities tho with ACOA and growing up with violence, be it verbal, physical or mental.
I grew up with all three - and I'm pretty convinced there's a causality there between that and the way I turned out.
I found staying sober gave me the courage and perspective to deal with all that old baggage.
A little counselling helped too.
I've gone from having almost no internal compass and getting my cues and validations off other people to having quite a strong sense of self and direction.
It didn't happen overnight but it kinda grew on me - it takes a little time
D
I don't know much about ACOA...my own parents were not drinkers in the sense you and I know it.
My grandfather and uncles were but I can't say it affected any of us to any significant extent as kids, other than they scared me when we met.
I think there are a lot of similarities tho with ACOA and growing up with violence, be it verbal, physical or mental.
I grew up with all three - and I'm pretty convinced there's a causality there between that and the way I turned out.
I found staying sober gave me the courage and perspective to deal with all that old baggage.
A little counselling helped too.
I've gone from having almost no internal compass and getting my cues and validations off other people to having quite a strong sense of self and direction.
It didn't happen overnight but it kinda grew on me - it takes a little time
D
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hi all....was knocked out with a virus for a couple of days...dragged myself to work then bed. So I missed you all
Tammy, thank you... I have been feeling exactly unevolved, as if I have so so much work to do, but that's a good thing...because (thank you Serene) I feel like this is a time for change, and I'm kind of having the storm before I can get to the calm.
I am going to make the fried avocado Mel, thank you!!!
The SR site went down before, for an hour or so, probably due to the tornados
and where the data centres are located.... but anyway, I panicked!!!! ~ I don't think I could cope without SR. So so glad you're all here!!!
Hope everyone is safe and well,
Love Venus xx
Tammy, thank you... I have been feeling exactly unevolved, as if I have so so much work to do, but that's a good thing...because (thank you Serene) I feel like this is a time for change, and I'm kind of having the storm before I can get to the calm.
I am going to make the fried avocado Mel, thank you!!!
The SR site went down before, for an hour or so, probably due to the tornados
and where the data centres are located.... but anyway, I panicked!!!! ~ I don't think I could cope without SR. So so glad you're all here!!!Hope everyone is safe and well,
Love Venus xx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Fantail-
Well, I think all unresolved situations will reemerge in different forms with the same energy so that either healing can occur or a lesson can be learned, which explains why you are recreating childhood trauma in your adult life.
In my way of looking at the world as a giant classroom once you graduate from this pattern you will be able to move past it. Sounds like your ready to dig deep and see what lessons you have learned from growing up with a violent sister and maybe how now as an adult you can begin to heal some of that pain.(I believe we choose our families before birth to give us the best chance of soul growth btw). This sounds like tough stuff and I hope on the other side of this you will find a partner who treats you like the wonderful caring person that you are.
Well, I think all unresolved situations will reemerge in different forms with the same energy so that either healing can occur or a lesson can be learned, which explains why you are recreating childhood trauma in your adult life.
In my way of looking at the world as a giant classroom once you graduate from this pattern you will be able to move past it. Sounds like your ready to dig deep and see what lessons you have learned from growing up with a violent sister and maybe how now as an adult you can begin to heal some of that pain.(I believe we choose our families before birth to give us the best chance of soul growth btw). This sounds like tough stuff and I hope on the other side of this you will find a partner who treats you like the wonderful caring person that you are.
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