Class of February 2013 Part 7
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Odelle, welcome back! So sorry about the puppy 
ER, congrats on 90 days!!
Melissa, congrats on making it through your vacation! I know what you mean about the burden thing... I was actually discussing this at therapy this week. One of the major reasons that I'm still afraid to use the "A" word (or admit the real reasons to not drinking in general) with friends and family is that I'm afraid of being a burden. I know I'll get over it at some point but for right now it's still a big hang up of mine. I'm sure it's frustrating to feel that way... but it's probably healthier than being in the closet.
ER, congrats on 90 days!!
Melissa, congrats on making it through your vacation! I know what you mean about the burden thing... I was actually discussing this at therapy this week. One of the major reasons that I'm still afraid to use the "A" word (or admit the real reasons to not drinking in general) with friends and family is that I'm afraid of being a burden. I know I'll get over it at some point but for right now it's still a big hang up of mine. I'm sure it's frustrating to feel that way... but it's probably healthier than being in the closet.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Ok well... it's 2am. I've been in bed all day and most of yesterday. I don't seem to want to do anything other than read SR. So I will take a crack at venting.
I guess I'm feeling frustrated. I've read that milestones can trigger PAWS (I guess because anything emotional can? or maybe it's something physical? unsure) and so far that has been so true for me. I know I felt like this at 30 days. Can't remember if I did at 60 days. But oh man am I feeling it now.
I guess I'm just tired of feeling so out of control. I know that's part of it. I know that my brain/body has a lot of healing to do. I know that one of the main reasons I drank was trying to control things so it's only natural that this early on I feel totally at a loss even when I'm not craving a drink. But I've been working so hard at this and it feels like it's been so long... it feels terrible not to know on any given day whether I'll be full of energy, or need to sleep for 14 hours.
It all feels very manic. And of course when I'm depressed I convince myself that my depression is back, that all is lost and I'm going to feel like this forever. Meanwhile I was fine a week ago so I know that's not true.
I guess it feels like my feelings are coming back, but way over-amplified. Every little positive feels like a buzz. Every little negative... and frankly, not even negative, just absence of clear positive!... can completely knock me down.
Anyway... I guess these last two weeks I've been crying sober, which is probably the first time in years and years. So i guess it's just all part of it. We can't hide from this stuff. I remember at the beginning lots of people were crying and I was still numb. It all has to be felt sometime.
I guess I'm feeling frustrated. I've read that milestones can trigger PAWS (I guess because anything emotional can? or maybe it's something physical? unsure) and so far that has been so true for me. I know I felt like this at 30 days. Can't remember if I did at 60 days. But oh man am I feeling it now.
I guess I'm just tired of feeling so out of control. I know that's part of it. I know that my brain/body has a lot of healing to do. I know that one of the main reasons I drank was trying to control things so it's only natural that this early on I feel totally at a loss even when I'm not craving a drink. But I've been working so hard at this and it feels like it's been so long... it feels terrible not to know on any given day whether I'll be full of energy, or need to sleep for 14 hours.
It all feels very manic. And of course when I'm depressed I convince myself that my depression is back, that all is lost and I'm going to feel like this forever. Meanwhile I was fine a week ago so I know that's not true.
I guess it feels like my feelings are coming back, but way over-amplified. Every little positive feels like a buzz. Every little negative... and frankly, not even negative, just absence of clear positive!... can completely knock me down.
Anyway... I guess these last two weeks I've been crying sober, which is probably the first time in years and years. So i guess it's just all part of it. We can't hide from this stuff. I remember at the beginning lots of people were crying and I was still numb. It all has to be felt sometime.
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now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Thank you.... good link. One thing I seem to always forget is that the phrase is "peak at 3 - 6 months"... not "LAST 3 - 6 months".
It is absolutely right that I could be misdiagnosed as bipolar right now!! Or mistaken for a teenager.
It is absolutely right that I could be misdiagnosed as bipolar right now!! Or mistaken for a teenager.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Hi everyone, it is now officially 5 weeks and 2 days.
Hey Odelle, until you all kick me out I will always hang with Feb. 2013. I do know about drinking "at" someone. That was my downfall the last time. So sorry about the puppy; I really want a dog again.
To all you sober marchers, just hang in there for one more day and be ever vigilant. After a while sobriety gets to be such a habit that we forget about the sleeping devil within us. Heck, I had 13 years and all it took was one glass of Champagne in a weak moment...
Hey Odelle, until you all kick me out I will always hang with Feb. 2013. I do know about drinking "at" someone. That was my downfall the last time. So sorry about the puppy; I really want a dog again.
To all you sober marchers, just hang in there for one more day and be ever vigilant. After a while sobriety gets to be such a habit that we forget about the sleeping devil within us. Heck, I had 13 years and all it took was one glass of Champagne in a weak moment...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 494
I've had a bit off a break through. One of the major reasons I drank so much is exactly the same reason I'm scared of doing the of gardening. Other people, other people talking to me, other people looking at me, fear of confrontation, my shyness which is social anxiety. Withe the garden I've realised, it wouldn't matter if its as over grown as it is or if it would be a five minute easy job, I'd still be scared to do it. I want to do it and I'm not lazy or shy of some hard work. So when I went out when I was younger I used alcohol to control the anxiety, stop the shyness, be out going, have a good time, etc. and as with all addictive substances I had to have more for the same effect yadder yadder you all know how the rest of it goes. It isn't the only reason I drank. But it's a biggie along with escapism as a I smoked a lot of pot alone before I was even old enough to buy alcohol. But it helps a lot with my sobriety. Not that I'm sober, all the situations I can envisage where I might be anxious that I might drink are situations where I might drink because I'm anxious. It feels like a weight has been lifted. I can focus not on the bottle, where it's either drink or don't drink and more on myself. Why do I want to drink. Why am I anxious, how can I address the anxiety, why did I ever start to be anxious in the first place and when. Because I wasn't always this way. I remember being very outgoing as a child and then terrible shyness as a teenager. Somewhere between those two points, maybe something happened, or lots of little things that built up. I can certainly think of a few, a lot perhaps. But anyway I think it's an important step. I think I'll gain more confidence the longer I'm sober. I haven't had to deal with these issues before because I've been drunk my entire adult life. I need to grow and learn how to live life because I haven't really been doing it yet.
Hope you're all doing well. Have a great sober Sunday everyone. ER
Hope you're all doing well. Have a great sober Sunday everyone. ER
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Awesome insight ER.
Reminds me of this quote from an article someone posted the other day:
"Addictive behavior aims to modify the emotional and hedonic(pleasure) state of the individual directly by artificially creating positive feelings and avoiding negative ones. This means that the addict’s own internal guidance mechanism, his "survival compass" becomes progressively disconnected from his actual internal and external environment with its constantly shifting and changing stimuli and cues, and is replaced by the "false compass" of the addiction whose needle is always pointing toward itself and hence bears no relationship at all to what is good or bad for the individual who attempts to navigate by it."
(full article: The Addict's Dilemna)
I've been thinking about this a lot too... how I used alcohol to pave over the problems that need to be fixed.
Congrats on your breakthrough. That's a big step!!
Reminds me of this quote from an article someone posted the other day:
"Addictive behavior aims to modify the emotional and hedonic(pleasure) state of the individual directly by artificially creating positive feelings and avoiding negative ones. This means that the addict’s own internal guidance mechanism, his "survival compass" becomes progressively disconnected from his actual internal and external environment with its constantly shifting and changing stimuli and cues, and is replaced by the "false compass" of the addiction whose needle is always pointing toward itself and hence bears no relationship at all to what is good or bad for the individual who attempts to navigate by it."
(full article: The Addict's Dilemna)
I've been thinking about this a lot too... how I used alcohol to pave over the problems that need to be fixed.
Congrats on your breakthrough.
That's a big step!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 494
Venus - penne al'arriabata. Now it was only my first attempt. I suspect more herbs and spices might give a bit more zing but the gist of the recipe:
I made about enough for for one really hungry person or two having a light lunch lol
A little olive oil
Half an onion
400g tin tomatoes
2/3 cloves of garlic
2/3 chilis
Salt and pepper
Penne pasta.
I fried the onion, garlic and chilies for a bit then added tomatoes, cooked for a bit and served With the pasta.
I will definitely add some kind of herbs next time, not sure which yet. And maybe some more chilies.
I made chilli con carne last night too, which was pretty good. I used quorn mince as a healthier cheaper option. But I will use beef mince next time for sure, the quorn didn't really taste of anything and was more filler and not nice and meaty lol also, lots more chilis. Yum.
ER
I made about enough for for one really hungry person or two having a light lunch lol
A little olive oil
Half an onion
400g tin tomatoes
2/3 cloves of garlic
2/3 chilis
Salt and pepper
Penne pasta.
I fried the onion, garlic and chilies for a bit then added tomatoes, cooked for a bit and served With the pasta.
I will definitely add some kind of herbs next time, not sure which yet. And maybe some more chilies.
I made chilli con carne last night too, which was pretty good. I used quorn mince as a healthier cheaper option. But I will use beef mince next time for sure, the quorn didn't really taste of anything and was more filler and not nice and meaty lol also, lots more chilis. Yum.
ER
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
A good learning experience today. I got an impromptu call for a date with this guy I've seen a couple of times. He invited me to a beer garden near my house.
I was very nervous about not drinking. It just felt silly not to go and have a beer and sit outside. I had to really talk myself out of it on the way over. Then I got there and thought I should order a gingerale right away before going to find him, to keep me from being tempted. But the line was long and I went outside without ordering.
Turns out he wasn't drinking, just sitting out there enjoying the weather. It never even came up.
Later I went to a party and once again no one noticed. One guy asked me if I was nervous riding my bicycle when I go to parties (assuming I'd been drinking).
It's so funny how part of me still thinks I have some kind of neon freak sign on my head, even though time and time again I learn that absolutely no one cares if I'm drinking or not! Also I always think "oh this will be awkward, all these people drinking" but I've discovered that I honestly can't tell when people have been drinking or not... unless they're plastered... but so few people ever are. It usually takes someone saying "oh don't mind me, I'm drunk" or something like that before I notice.
I was very nervous about not drinking. It just felt silly not to go and have a beer and sit outside. I had to really talk myself out of it on the way over. Then I got there and thought I should order a gingerale right away before going to find him, to keep me from being tempted. But the line was long and I went outside without ordering.
Turns out he wasn't drinking, just sitting out there enjoying the weather. It never even came up.
Later I went to a party and once again no one noticed. One guy asked me if I was nervous riding my bicycle when I go to parties (assuming I'd been drinking).
It's so funny how part of me still thinks I have some kind of neon freak sign on my head, even though time and time again I learn that absolutely no one cares if I'm drinking or not! Also I always think "oh this will be awkward, all these people drinking" but I've discovered that I honestly can't tell when people have been drinking or not... unless they're plastered... but so few people ever are. It usually takes someone saying "oh don't mind me, I'm drunk" or something like that before I notice.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Odelle - Tough break. Very happy to have you back & glad that you shared what happened. Yes, of course please do stick with us! Sobriety wouldn't be the same without you.
Congrats EZ, Bunny, Pamel, & Melissa.
EZ - How interesting! Gaining perspective on what drives drinking behaviors opens up a whole new level of sobriety opportunity. It does shift the question. Looks like you've found your new focus for the next 90. Congrats!
Fantail - Glad you're feeling better. RE: the Up/Down: I call it my 'terrible twos.' Biologically speaking, it seems like a good metaphor - much like when were' in our high growth periods of early childhood and teenage years, we're in a period of rapid chemical rewiring. Thinking of it doesn't make it go away, but it helps me roll with it.
Congrats EZ, Bunny, Pamel, & Melissa.
EZ - How interesting! Gaining perspective on what drives drinking behaviors opens up a whole new level of sobriety opportunity. It does shift the question. Looks like you've found your new focus for the next 90. Congrats!
Fantail - Glad you're feeling better. RE: the Up/Down: I call it my 'terrible twos.' Biologically speaking, it seems like a good metaphor - much like when were' in our high growth periods of early childhood and teenage years, we're in a period of rapid chemical rewiring. Thinking of it doesn't make it go away, but it helps me roll with it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 278
Hello All... Man- so much to catch-up with.
For me, this week was hard.... But I'm still sober. I'll have 90 days on Wednesday.
I had work travel this week... And my ex partner called me while I was away. She was drunk. She's moved across the country. One of the dogs died... Her g'ma, whom she adores, is very ill. Oh- yeah- and she made sure to tell me, yet again, that I messed up her life and we'd still be together if I hadn't screwed up... Also- she feels I'm just an a**hole with no remorse & that none of this has to do with me drinking or not drinking. Yeah..... That was awesome.
Thankfully I had been to a meeting where I was and gotten some numbers.
Still- when I got back- I talked to my sponsor about it. She said I'm doing a great job but also commented that I'm a "walking time bomb" because I stuff emotion down & hide behind perfection. That was tough to hear.
So- Friday night I went to my usual meeting... But- on my way home- I was agitated. I wanted to go out... Get wasted... Pick up a bag & a girl. I didn't but this is one of the first times I had such a strong craving.
I was able to see though- that I wanted this because I don't want to deal with everything. I'm hurt, sad, lonely, angry, confused... And I don't want to feel those things.
Anyway... I'm just in a weird place... I'm doing my best not to isolate. Glad to have a standing appt with my counselor. I'll see her tomorrow.
So proud of everyone here...
SB
For me, this week was hard.... But I'm still sober. I'll have 90 days on Wednesday.
I had work travel this week... And my ex partner called me while I was away. She was drunk. She's moved across the country. One of the dogs died... Her g'ma, whom she adores, is very ill. Oh- yeah- and she made sure to tell me, yet again, that I messed up her life and we'd still be together if I hadn't screwed up... Also- she feels I'm just an a**hole with no remorse & that none of this has to do with me drinking or not drinking. Yeah..... That was awesome.
Thankfully I had been to a meeting where I was and gotten some numbers.
Still- when I got back- I talked to my sponsor about it. She said I'm doing a great job but also commented that I'm a "walking time bomb" because I stuff emotion down & hide behind perfection. That was tough to hear.
So- Friday night I went to my usual meeting... But- on my way home- I was agitated. I wanted to go out... Get wasted... Pick up a bag & a girl. I didn't but this is one of the first times I had such a strong craving.
I was able to see though- that I wanted this because I don't want to deal with everything. I'm hurt, sad, lonely, angry, confused... And I don't want to feel those things.
Anyway... I'm just in a weird place... I'm doing my best not to isolate. Glad to have a standing appt with my counselor. I'll see her tomorrow.
So proud of everyone here...
SB
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Ouch, SB, I'm sorry she called you when she was drunk and started to spew all over you. Funny, now that we have some sober time under our belts we can more clearly see the weirdness we create and the weirdness others foist on us. (((hugs))) Very, very good work at staying out of harm's way!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Hi SB - Great to hear from you!
Looks like a series of good choices helped you surmount the challenges last week. Great job, not just in the moment, but for setting yourself up to succeed.
I have a new theory about the milestones. Our sobriety benefits when we get little reminders & challenges to focus us for the next round.
Looks like a series of good choices helped you surmount the challenges last week. Great job, not just in the moment, but for setting yourself up to succeed.
I have a new theory about the milestones. Our sobriety benefits when we get little reminders & challenges to focus us for the next round.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Beautiful Sunday/Monday Morning to Everyone!
Great news - I hit 120 days yesterday!!!
Gosh, 90 days & 100 days seemed so long ago, and at the same time, not long at all. I guess it's the sobriety time warp!
Status Update:
My '2nd 90 days' is to focus on my health. At day 90 I was struggling with brain fog, and other things like low energy. Now I'm really focusing on supplying my body with the right nutrients so that the body can heal. I was just thinking that I hadn't gotten very far until I reflected and realized how much better the brain fog is!
This week my emotions have been all over the place - I think I'm starting to catch up to some of you on that note
Next 30 days I'm going to tackle my soda habit
Great news - I hit 120 days yesterday!!!
Gosh, 90 days & 100 days seemed so long ago, and at the same time, not long at all. I guess it's the sobriety time warp!
Status Update:
My '2nd 90 days' is to focus on my health. At day 90 I was struggling with brain fog, and other things like low energy. Now I'm really focusing on supplying my body with the right nutrients so that the body can heal. I was just thinking that I hadn't gotten very far until I reflected and realized how much better the brain fog is!
This week my emotions have been all over the place - I think I'm starting to catch up to some of you on that note
Next 30 days I'm going to tackle my soda habit
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good to see you starbaby - sorry about the phone call...I understand how rough that is - I have an ex like that too...but I've found when people like that blame me for stuff I'm rarely actually responsible - especially now as it's 15 years since we were together....
as for feelings - noone wants to feel angry hurt or sad..but I'm glad I can feel those feelings now, and know it's not the end of the world or an interminable agony...emotions pass, life moves on
I think you're doing great
congratulations on your 120 SE
D
as for feelings - noone wants to feel angry hurt or sad..but I'm glad I can feel those feelings now, and know it's not the end of the world or an interminable agony...emotions pass, life moves on
I think you're doing great
congratulations on your 120 SE
D
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,480
Serene ~ that's awesome. Beyond awesome. 
So very happy for you ♥
And Star, so so good to see you....I was just about to PM you...I noticed you were here but not here, and we all missed you!!
Dang that's hard with your ex and the dog and all of the pain and drama that brings back...I'm not surprised you wanted to crash and burn after that. But you didn't. You called people, you reached out....
I think Serene hit the nail on the head when she said that each milestone brings us new challenges, new parts of our recovery to focus on....
I too am in a lot of pain at the moment. Both physical and emotional. On Friday I got a fill-in job that ended up being for friends I grew up with. People I know well. Very very weird....everyone I know has 'lives', and families, and here I am cleaning for them. There is a huge lump in my throat....
And so I have ended up by putting out my neck/shoulders last night. And I have to be better for work tomorrow.
I think it's all emotional. I think I am swallowing my feelings in the same way you are Star...
Easy, thank you so much for your recipe!!! I will attempt it
And yes, what a huge revelation for you!!! Now you can address the anxiety issue, perhaps with counselling. It is important to know however, that pot is well known for creating anxiety in a lot of us who have used it. Like you, I was an outgoing person before I picked up grass in my late teens....
Not sure if I missed anyone's special days....if I did, you all know how much I love you and am celebrating with each and every one of you.....
Venus xx
So very happy for you ♥And Star, so so good to see you....I was just about to PM you...I noticed you were here but not here, and we all missed you!!
Dang that's hard with your ex and the dog and all of the pain and drama that brings back...I'm not surprised you wanted to crash and burn after that. But you didn't. You called people, you reached out....
I think Serene hit the nail on the head when she said that each milestone brings us new challenges, new parts of our recovery to focus on....
I too am in a lot of pain at the moment. Both physical and emotional. On Friday I got a fill-in job that ended up being for friends I grew up with. People I know well. Very very weird....everyone I know has 'lives', and families, and here I am cleaning for them. There is a huge lump in my throat....
And so I have ended up by putting out my neck/shoulders last night. And I have to be better for work tomorrow.
I think it's all emotional. I think I am swallowing my feelings in the same way you are Star...
Easy, thank you so much for your recipe!!! I will attempt it
And yes, what a huge revelation for you!!! Now you can address the anxiety issue, perhaps with counselling. It is important to know however, that pot is well known for creating anxiety in a lot of us who have used it. Like you, I was an outgoing person before I picked up grass in my late teens....
Not sure if I missed anyone's special days....if I did, you all know how much I love you and am celebrating with each and every one of you.....
Venus xx
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