mirage

Thank you, pip. I DID need to hear that. I think I'll copy that and put it somewhere for me to read when I need it. That really rings true for me right now, the staying in the present. The past blows and the future is scary. Today is all I really have.

Tonight we're having a Night at the Museum at my school (work), where we display the pre-schooler's artwork and the parents come, etc. My boys are coming, so it'll be the first time they see where I work, with whom, the students, etc. I'm happy about that. I think it's nice if they can picture where you are, and the people you talk about, ya know?

I'm feeling very detached from my h right now. Not wanting to hear I'm sorries, I love yous, or how we can make it work, etc. He really should have considered this stuff before he screwed the entire midwest. Anyhoo..have a good night you guys. Thanks for being here.

Manz

Mirage.... Hugs hun.

Brown eyed girl is of no use to me.....except I do love Van Morrison, have since I was 18 at least. Anyway......flirting, dating websites.....not for me I dont think! One thing I absolutely detest in this life is people who lie or mislead, and so if it happens I loose all trust in something. I am not ready to be mucked around, I am too genuine for that BS......tells me also I am maybe a little too fragile still emotionally for this.

Think I will just stick to building lego with Weeman.

Itchy

Finished the four computer upgrades to Windows 8 Professional and Media Center. Finally.

Mirage, I hope it all works out for what is best for you. Not you both, you. If he gets included in the home you create then that is his luck. The future isn't scary, it is the result of today's sober action, thinking, reacting, proacting. Today is ripe, pick it and enjoy it while you can.

LoftyIdeals

I havent posted in awhile, mostly because I've been drinking. Even tonight. I'm in a bad way of denial, an alcoholic terms. But, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I've been drinking since September. Mostly in the vein of "can't beat 'em, so join 'em". I was ostracised in my "real life" as a non-drinker, and my closest soulmates were here. That didn't seem right to me. I tried AA again, and made only superficial relationships, only around drinking and sobriety. It had rewards, but seemed contrived. So, I started drinking again. Now, I sit here, after a full bottle of wine, and two vodka and tonics, and a couple smokes, and I think, this is how its always been. I have a vague feeling of reward of self in my 13 months of sobriety, and it was not a full life.

So...if I want to live a full life in the world we live, how do I do that sober? I'm not an idiot, just a numbskull, which is what I have always been. I know my Lord, and know He has my back. But, I tend to think about my drinking in a scientific way. I have problems; ADD, affective personality disorder, etc. And I can't care less. I'm a freak, I guess.

Here's the truth. I am focused only on me. I have been a giver, both drinking and sober, and one is not better than the other to me. I don't know why I'm rambling, but I wonder; really wonder.

I admire the sobriety I read on this site, but I also wonder the personal cost of it for each of us. Are we fooling ourselves? Are we alienating ourselves from society, are we judging others? It's weird. I have a lot of thinking to do. And, I'm glad to be able to post here. I really respect each of you. But, still, I wonder.

Take care....each of you.

ReadyAndAble

That does not sound like this Manz:

I'm guessing something not so good happened in the intervening 21 hours... You OK? Is there some particular liar we should know about? Cans of whoop-case can now be ordered over the internet... In any event, glad you've got your Weeman there. That's the real deal.

Mirage, way to regain your balance. In my experience, the bad stuff—the really bad stuff—cannot be washed away with any amount of alcohol. It just caused me to wallow in it, to give center stage the very thoughts I was trying to escape.

I think that whatever happens, you are going to look back at this time with a sense of pride. These are the times that try our souls, as they say, and you're more than proving your mettle. You might not see it, but that's just because you're still in it. From a distance, it's very clear.

ReadyAndAble

Damned if I know. Everyone has a different path in life, Lofty, and I'm still trying to map out mine. But I ain't gonna get there drunk, that's for sure.

To me, a full life goes way beyond recovery. Recovery to me was just about ending my addiction. That doesn't guarantee happiness. It did remove a giant roadblock standing between me and the path forward—but I still have to travel the path, you know?

Putting down the bottle restored my freedom and a certain measure of self-respect. But finding my way in the world, deciding what kind of person I want to be, what will fulfill me... those are separate questions. And the same questions everyone faces. We're a part of society the way I see it, not apart from it. Alcoholism makes me different than the majority of people. So does the color of my eyes. So does my taste in music. We're all different from each other in many different ways; it's one of the many ways in which we're all the same.

Glad you're back, Lofty. I hope you stick around, drinking or not.

ReadyAndAble

That was supposed to be "whoop-a$$"... Lol, either Apple or SR has an awfully low threshold for profanity...

Itchy

Lofty,
In short, drinking is just curling up in a corner, and avoiding life. I agree with R&A in that getting sober just gives the room to move forward. Instead of being cornered.

Life is great! Sobriety is only hard when we start to deal with fixing what we broke or didn't maintain while drunk. Full life? Drinking? Lofty, I hope you get your head back straight.

What do you want?

InParticular

There is no way in hell that I am more alienated now than I was when I was drinking. I had my head completely in the sand and didn't even realize it. Personal cost.....I don't know, I'm finally about to finish a program that I dropped out of three years ago from drinking, and have real relationships with my family for the first time ever.....you do the math.

I hope you can figure it out Lofty. It was a good step coming here.

Mirage, there's lots of good advice here so I won't add my two cents. Just know I think you are incredibly strong to be going through this with your head up. Don't ever let them make you lose your step.

instant

Lofty- glad you posted- for me the is no doubt that sobriety is the road I want to go down.

Both drinking and sobriety are only places to be- they are the also the directions in which we travel.

I am coming up two years sober in May. There is no doubt I still have work to do to build my life. I have plans to do that, things coming up I have in place- these things are achievable, but take effort and commitment- I need to get out my comfort zone.

I can't buy the 'life being something less' without alcohol line- it doesn't tally with my experience.

I wish you well whatever you choose

newby1961

Hi Overs,

Lofty so good to see your post I often wondered how you were, and where you went? I sure didn't want to jump to any conclusions. Just cause people take a break from posting it doesn't always mean they returned back to drinking. I see though by your post you have, and so I pray this torment you feel goes away. The only way though I know for it to go away is, to put the plug in the jug.

I know the feeling all to well of feeling like I don't belong, or fit in AA and most of the time that is just my head, or my disease trying to get me to return to drinking. So thoughts can be very powerful and in the last few years if it wasn't for SR I may have gone back, because I stopped going to lots of meeting like I was. I have since started going back no matter what my head tries to tell me. The bottom line is, this is a fatal disease and I don't want to go back to a life where suicide seems like the only option, cause I can't stop drinking.
Even if I don't fit in AA, which is a lie, but lets just say I don't, well who cares the hell I lived out there earned me my seat, and I am not giving it up for anything or anyone at least for today.
I like waking up with hope and not all that gloom and doom, but I had to get willing to fight for my sobriety no matter what. There are no more excuses for me.
I pray you get your fighting spirit back, and I am quite sure lots of others on here will be praying for you to.

frances2011

Hi Lofty--Glad to see you. I live in the sober world. And am happy about that. Come join us. It's not always easy, or pretty, or fair, but it's Real. Lots of good folks here who are rooting for you. IMO, and having known you a fair while, your words sound to me like your AV talking.

Manz, doll, how you are having a good evening!

Up early, but not to run. Very. Cold. Out!

frances2011

Mirage, I feel like's Pip's thought about doubling down and doubling up on our recovery when it seems like it all feels too much. Twice as much energy is needed to keep us grounded in the same Present moment.

Just for Today. That's all we can do.

Here's the advice I give myself: Be gentle with yourself and let yourself rest. Try to get some sunshine on your face. LOTS of water. Nutritious food. Silly goofy movie. A comic book that makes me giggle (Calvin & Hobbes. Get Fuzzy.) Booze is poison to me.

Sending you Light and picturing myself walking next to you today.

LoftyIdeals

You folks are too kind, as usual. I think I have a good bit to chew on here. Thanks.

Kablume

mirage, I wish I could take your pain away. I know for me that I have to walk through the situation and the pain to get to the other side. Staying sober is the only way I have a chance to survive it. I become a stronger person for it even though I don't feel it when I'm going through it.

Lofty, I'm glad you decided to post. Taking the first step by saying what you are going through is the first step to recovery. Best wishes to you.

Sending both of you peace and strength.

pipparina

baby it's cold out there. I ran this morning, and although my quads and butt were beet red when I came home (and that was with two layers of wool!), it felt good to be a warrior today.

Lofty- keep reading here. You will find your way, hopefully sober, to a meaningful life. At first, I though sobriety boring since so much drama was missing. But I truly enjoy my quiet life.

mirage

Man, you guys make me cry! You all have such wise words, it amazes me. I swear, ya'll might keep me sober just cuz I don't want to have to leave this thread! lol You really have no idea how much your words and encouragement mean to me right now, for real. You may feel like you have nothing else to offer, but every time I read a nugget of support, it helps. I need more face to face friends, I know that. But for now, I have you. ha.

Hello my Lofty..good to see you. I'm sorry to hear your confusion, and I do understand it. You weren't truly happy sober and you're sure not happy NOT sober, so what to do? Here's my take on it...your happiness doesn't have anything to do with you being sober right now. You've tried it both ways, and both ways, you're unhappy. My guess is that you felt better about yourself sober, tho, and I'm pretty sure you have a better shot at happiness if you're not taking a depressant most nights of the week.

Who the hell ostracized you for not drinking?? What are we, 17? Screw them. And be careful not to project those kinds of feelings onto yourself. Maybe YOU were just uncomfortable sober, and you felt excluded because of how you felt. I don't know, I'm not there, I'm just offering that up to consider.

I'm not sure what "personal cost" you're talking about. God knows I'm not always happy that I can't tie one one once in awhile, but 97.2% of the time, I'm damn glad I'm out of that vicious drunken circle of drinking and being sad about it. I haven't looked in the mirror in the morning and thought "wtf, Linda? When are you gonna stop getting drunk?" for a while now, and I'm really thankful for that. I really haven't given up much positive except for a life long habit that I was REALLY comfortable with, but that was bad for my body and mind. It's hard to stop doing something you've ALWAYS done, I get it. But don't confuse giving up an addiction and habit with "alienating ourselves". Who really cares what's in our glass? The answer SHOULD be, "only the person holding the glass." Personally, I think you should alienate yourself from the jackasses that you felt were ostracizing you.

As far as AA, if it's not fitting your needs, find something else. It doesn't have to be that, or nothing. I know I don't have to tell you that. But maybe because you're a spiritual guy, you feel like the solution to this has to be spiritual. It doesn't. It doesn't have to involve a higher power if that's not working right now. Try thinking of it like maybe god wants you to find a different way to recover. Look at it scientifically if you want. Try RR. Find a SMART meeting. Get hypnotized. Think of it in addiction terms. Try it all, hon.

Ok, that was probably substantially more than what was necessary, but there ya go. My best to you, bud. Stay in touch.

Itchy

Mirage wrote:
That's what I did, and it worked. I also had almost all my friends who drank accept me but a couple tried that peer pressure on me too. Look, I am doing pretty well, but I am getting to where I am going to have to risk a neck vetrbrae replacement surgery, and two disk repairs at the lowest lumbar area, which doesn't always work out. Today, this minute I could sit here throwing a self pity party, bemoaning my terrible lot in life. I actually see folks lifting weights or running, neither of which can I do now. I could be bitter but it is a bit hard to be bitter when I have a thousand things I can do. If the surgery puts me in a wheelchair, my only problem is going to be building a ramp to be able to get in and out. I am way too young for any of that, so I am going to have to man up and let the doc cut. Drinking I would have used it as an excuse to do nothing, and wallowed in self pity. Sober I have things to decide after thinking them through several times. Then making the best of every situation good or bad.

Perhaps you will be miserable sober. A wiser man than me wrote words that I carried with me most of my life as a truth:

" Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain”
*William Faulkner*

We all make that choice for everything that counts. Childbirth, love, raising children, marriage, self defense, military service, competitive activities, and growing older.

Alcohol takes away the pain of living, until it takes that away too.

Purplecatlover

Lofty, I'm glad you posted. Your posts always helped me.
As someone who just made it to 1 yr, I understand. I have the "can't beat em join em" issue. I live w/an active alcoholic.
Some days, watching him drink makes me so happy to be sober & some days, I feel like the fight is too much.
Life is too much. There is so much distance growing between us. I don't know what to do most of the time. I lost my job & have felt so alone, although I know my God is with me.
Then, I've come to realize He wants me to lean on Him. To Need Him, to want Him more than anything. Maybe, my troubles, loneliness, & heartaches are the catalyst to draw me deeper into a relationship with my Lord.
When I stopped fighting & surrendered to Him, I have that peace that passes all understanding.
Life is not easy but you don't have drink to enjoy it. Praying for you.

I apologize to anyone, if my spiritual ideas offend. This is just my experience.

ReadyAndAble

Sorry to hear the surgery's needed Itch, but hopeful it will get you back in fighting shape. I have no doubt you'll continue to make the best of every step along the way.