Class of June 10-Part 6
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Thanks Lyddie and Dee, I will do that. I don't think moving will affect my sobriety. I was driving today and just happen to zone in on a sign ad for some kind of tequila. My first thought was gross! It got me thinking, before when I had stopped drinking I still wished I could, I missed it. It was like I had one of those things attached to me that the police use to monitor criminals drinking. I was like well I want to drink but I can't because I have so many days etc. The point is I still thought about alcohol wishfully. This time there is none of that, I don't want to drink, don't miss the taste. Its kind of like when you realize what a jerk your ex boyfriend really was. One day you just wake up and say huh, I am over him. Thank God we didn't stay together! That's how I feel about alcohol. I wouldn't go back to it now, no matter where I live.
I do love LA though, The weather is perfect and there is so much to do and see. I will miss it. The thing is there is no chance of X and I getting back together. Eventually this has to end. Its not good for either of us to live in the same house. We don't scream and yell but we don't really like each others company. Eventually it will all come to a head and not be pretty, I would rather leave before that happens. Also, what happens if he meets someone he really likes. I have no problem with him dating just not while were in the same house. Not because I am jealous or anything it would just be too complicated. Living in LA is too expensive and I have so much more support in GA. In this economy it would be nice to know I always have a place to live with my animals and DD.
Sorry I am just thinking out loud. It will work out the way it is supposed to. I have faith
Night.
DAY 25
I do love LA though, The weather is perfect and there is so much to do and see. I will miss it. The thing is there is no chance of X and I getting back together. Eventually this has to end. Its not good for either of us to live in the same house. We don't scream and yell but we don't really like each others company. Eventually it will all come to a head and not be pretty, I would rather leave before that happens. Also, what happens if he meets someone he really likes. I have no problem with him dating just not while were in the same house. Not because I am jealous or anything it would just be too complicated. Living in LA is too expensive and I have so much more support in GA. In this economy it would be nice to know I always have a place to live with my animals and DD.
Sorry I am just thinking out loud. It will work out the way it is supposed to. I have faith
Night.
DAY 25
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 67
Hi Beth, sorry to weigh in on this so late, but I agree with Lyddie and Dee that pros and cons are good to list. Then you can get a sense of where your heart is as well. I think you are leaning toward going to back to Atlanta after reading your last post. My initial reaction was that it sounded like a great opportunity for you, but only you know if it's a step in the right direction. I'm a firm believer in the concept that we all have the answers to the big questions, we just need to uncover what we think/feel/know. I think you will figure it out and it will be the right decision.
I'm exhausted so will make this quick. Such a long day and it's after midnight now. I had to work all day -- it was a stressful work day, but a good one. Then yoga (yeah!) where the class had a theme of "letting go" which I was able to apply in more than one area of my life, and lastly shopping at Target and the grocery store, home to eat something, shower and now bed. I'm so tired. I'll be more upbeat in the morning.
I did make it to my all time record (through 25 days of sobriety .. yeah!!) I didn't have any doubts this time that it would be a stumbling block for me again. Last time I got to Day 25 I foolishly agreed to meet a friend at a bar (what was I thinking? Duh!!!) I sat down and promptly ordered a beer. My girlfriend never showed up (she got her days mixed up) so I stayed there any how and met a guy about 15 years younger than me and hooked up. STUPID!!!! I just feel that I'm in such a different place right now, I can't explain it .... I think you understand what I'm talking about, Beth.
Okay, must really crash. Work again tomorrow. Weekend just around the corner
I'm exhausted so will make this quick. Such a long day and it's after midnight now. I had to work all day -- it was a stressful work day, but a good one. Then yoga (yeah!) where the class had a theme of "letting go" which I was able to apply in more than one area of my life, and lastly shopping at Target and the grocery store, home to eat something, shower and now bed. I'm so tired. I'll be more upbeat in the morning.
I did make it to my all time record (through 25 days of sobriety .. yeah!!) I didn't have any doubts this time that it would be a stumbling block for me again. Last time I got to Day 25 I foolishly agreed to meet a friend at a bar (what was I thinking? Duh!!!) I sat down and promptly ordered a beer. My girlfriend never showed up (she got her days mixed up) so I stayed there any how and met a guy about 15 years younger than me and hooked up. STUPID!!!! I just feel that I'm in such a different place right now, I can't explain it .... I think you understand what I'm talking about, Beth.
Okay, must really crash. Work again tomorrow. Weekend just around the corner
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 1,223
Hey Laura I am glad you made it! I kind of figured you would 5 more days till 1 month! I feel like that will be a huge turning point for you. Don't you hate randomly thinking about the dumb things we did when we were drunk. I mean when your young and you do those things at least you have an excuse but when it's 20 years later and your still doing them, not so much.
Have you started reading the book yet? I really think it will help you.
The townhouse really is a great opportunity but I really wanted to stay in LA for 1 more year. I don't know if that is a great idea either because by then dd will be old enough to know the difference when we do move back. I don't want her to get use to her dad being around everyday. I mean I do, but it will just be so much harder on her when he isn't. I told X he could come to atl for every holiday and we could visit in him in the summers. I don't know the whole thing is making me exhausted and physically sick right now. I got up at 4 am this morning because I woke up and my brain immediately started racing. I got out of bed and started laundry, cleaned up and made coffee. I am going to be pretty tired today.
Thanks for all the advice. I am going to try to not think about it and just let the answer come to me.
Have a good day
DAY 26
5 more days till 1 month! I feel like that will be a huge turning point for you. Don't you hate randomly thinking about the dumb things we did when we were drunk. I mean when your young and you do those things at least you have an excuse but when it's 20 years later and your still doing them, not so much.Have you started reading the book yet? I really think it will help you.
The townhouse really is a great opportunity but I really wanted to stay in LA for 1 more year. I don't know if that is a great idea either because by then dd will be old enough to know the difference when we do move back. I don't want her to get use to her dad being around everyday. I mean I do, but it will just be so much harder on her when he isn't. I told X he could come to atl for every holiday and we could visit in him in the summers. I don't know the whole thing is making me exhausted and physically sick right now. I got up at 4 am this morning because I woke up and my brain immediately started racing. I got out of bed and started laundry, cleaned up and made coffee. I am going to be pretty tired today.
Thanks for all the advice. I am going to try to not think about it and just let the answer come to me.
Have a good day
DAY 26
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 67
Hope you're doing okay, Beth. Yes, the answer WILL come to you!
I'm up late and shouldn't be. Have to get up early to take the kids to camp. At least I don't have to work tomorrow. Tomorrow (actually today now) is my birthday! Woo hoo! I'm going to have a great weekend for myself. I've got a lot planned and it's all for me! Yeah!
Beth, the book arrived today. It looks good. I haven't had time to read it yet, but looks like a quick read. Maybe this weekend. Will let you know what I think.
Not one thought of drinking today. So that's good. It definitely does get easier with "practice." That is sooooo true. So I'll wake up on my b'day without a hangover tomorrow. Tired, yes, because I stayed up so late, but at least no hangover!!!
I'm up late and shouldn't be. Have to get up early to take the kids to camp. At least I don't have to work tomorrow. Tomorrow (actually today now) is my birthday! Woo hoo! I'm going to have a great weekend for myself. I've got a lot planned and it's all for me! Yeah!
Beth, the book arrived today. It looks good. I haven't had time to read it yet, but looks like a quick read. Maybe this weekend. Will let you know what I think.
Not one thought of drinking today. So that's good. It definitely does get easier with "practice." That is sooooo true. So I'll wake up on my b'day without a hangover tomorrow. Tired, yes, because I stayed up so late, but at least no hangover!!!
2
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 67
Thanks so much Dee and Beth for the b'day wishes. It was a great, busy long day. Overall it was good with a few hiccups. But overall, very very good. I'll write more tomorrow, but I am very tired right now!!! Day 27 The start of a new year ...
The start of a new year ...
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 1,223
Good Morning, I have had a very unproductive week. Too many things on my mind to get anything done. I hate that. I am going to do something fun with dd today because I have not mentally been able to get outside my head. I have no thoughts of drinking, it is not a go to problem solver for me anymore.
Laura I hope you got some rest and have a great weekend
DAY 28
Laura I hope you got some rest and have a great weekend
DAY 28
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 67
Just checking in... I'm having a lazy day and need to get a few things done! There's still time, so I must get moving. Day 28 is a good thing! Take it easy this weekend, Beth, I think sometimes we are both too hard on ourselves to be productive. As long as we are both not drinking, we are making progress, right?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: los angeles, ca
Posts: 1,223
Hey guys, we just got back from the beach. We had a good time! I feel pretty good. It was a beautiful day in LA. It's days like this that make me want to stay forever...
I think I am going to dedicate the month of August for all good and healthy things for me. I need the balance.
I hope everyone is well
Night.
DAY 28
I think I am going to dedicate the month of August for all good and healthy things for me. I need the balance.
I hope everyone is well
Night.
DAY 28
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Posts: 1,223
Hey Laura, I know I am so hard on myself if I don't feel like playing with dd. Sometimes you just need some alone time. I figure it is going to take a year of sobriety just to start being more relaxed and level headed. So yes everyday sober is progress, and a day closer to peace, patience and strength! I wish the days would HURRY up already! LOL! I hope you're having a calm weekend
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 67
Hey Beth, I had intended to have a calm relaxed weekend, but it has been kind of hectic. Long story short, I decided I needed to get a new laptop for my birthday (in addition to the Internet Radio, some lotion, a necklace, a manicure/pedicure, some feather extensions in my hair, LOL!) but the laptop has really taken over my time this weekend.
I realize now how disorganized I have been over the past 5 years. It's because of the kids, my divorce, and of course, the drinking. The drinking has kept me in this state of not being able to accomplish anything, not being on top of things. Well, I'm starting to climb out of that hole and this new computer represents a fresh start for me and a chance to get organized.
I have spent all weekend copying files from 4 other computers (some old and damaged, some that the kids used, etc. ) and just deleted stuff I don't need and organizing the stuff I do onto my new hard drive. The photos have been the worst. So many to sort through and organize into folders. But I'm doing it and have made a lot of progress this weekend. I'm finally taking back my life and it feels great
Today I bought some software and plan to install it soon. Microsoft Office, of course, and a photo editing software. But I also got an organization software that allows me to get even more organized. You can create an address book, Christmas card lists, calendars, schedules, even things like storing all of your passwords for things that you need. I think this is going to be an evolution in getting organized and on top of things that used to feel overwhelming. I'm changing from a weak helpless person into a strong, organized one!!
Three other quick things: On my actual birthday (thanks so much Dee and Beth for remembering me) I heard from a lot of friends, old and new. Everyone was so nice it really lifted my spirits. I even got an email from the guy who moderates the SMART meeting I go to. It was really nice. It said something like, "All of your friends at SMART Recovery are thinking of you on your birthday. Keep up the good work. You have so much going for you." It really made me want to keep going.
One other thing: long story short, I got a nice bottle of wine as a gift on my birthday from a nice, well meaning neighbor who knew nothing of my problems with drinking. I thanked him and then kind of freaked out about what to do with it. I knew I wasn't in danger of drinking it, so I tucked it away in my closet and gave myself a day to think it over. Just in the last few hours, I decided what I had to do with it. I gave it to my ex when he came to drop off the kids today. He's nice, he deserves it, and he doesn't have a problem with wine so he should drink it -- not me. So that's what I did. I gave it away before I could have any more temptations with it. When my neighbor asks me how I liked it (and he will, I see him walking my dog a lot) I'll just have to lie and say it was great. I doubt he'll ever do that again and if he does, I'll tell him later on something else. I really don't want to go into my drinking problem with him. I don't want the whole neighborhood knowing this about me.
Lastly, I went to yoga this morning and it was fantastic. I was really "on" with my balance poses and the teacher even noticed and said, "Beautiful, Laura" as I hit one of the more difficult balance poses. I felt really great.
Beth, I have noticed that my nails are so much healthier without alcohol. Have you noticed that? A while back my Mom told me that my nails looked like "an old lady's". They don't anymore
I realize now how disorganized I have been over the past 5 years. It's because of the kids, my divorce, and of course, the drinking. The drinking has kept me in this state of not being able to accomplish anything, not being on top of things. Well, I'm starting to climb out of that hole and this new computer represents a fresh start for me and a chance to get organized.
I have spent all weekend copying files from 4 other computers (some old and damaged, some that the kids used, etc. ) and just deleted stuff I don't need and organizing the stuff I do onto my new hard drive. The photos have been the worst. So many to sort through and organize into folders. But I'm doing it and have made a lot of progress this weekend. I'm finally taking back my life and it feels great
Today I bought some software and plan to install it soon. Microsoft Office, of course, and a photo editing software. But I also got an organization software that allows me to get even more organized. You can create an address book, Christmas card lists, calendars, schedules, even things like storing all of your passwords for things that you need. I think this is going to be an evolution in getting organized and on top of things that used to feel overwhelming. I'm changing from a weak helpless person into a strong, organized one!!
Three other quick things: On my actual birthday (thanks so much Dee and Beth for remembering me) I heard from a lot of friends, old and new. Everyone was so nice it really lifted my spirits. I even got an email from the guy who moderates the SMART meeting I go to. It was really nice. It said something like, "All of your friends at SMART Recovery are thinking of you on your birthday. Keep up the good work. You have so much going for you." It really made me want to keep going.
One other thing: long story short, I got a nice bottle of wine as a gift on my birthday from a nice, well meaning neighbor who knew nothing of my problems with drinking. I thanked him and then kind of freaked out about what to do with it. I knew I wasn't in danger of drinking it, so I tucked it away in my closet and gave myself a day to think it over. Just in the last few hours, I decided what I had to do with it. I gave it to my ex when he came to drop off the kids today. He's nice, he deserves it, and he doesn't have a problem with wine so he should drink it -- not me. So that's what I did. I gave it away before I could have any more temptations with it. When my neighbor asks me how I liked it (and he will, I see him walking my dog a lot) I'll just have to lie and say it was great. I doubt he'll ever do that again and if he does, I'll tell him later on something else. I really don't want to go into my drinking problem with him. I don't want the whole neighborhood knowing this about me.
Lastly, I went to yoga this morning and it was fantastic. I was really "on" with my balance poses and the teacher even noticed and said, "Beautiful, Laura" as I hit one of the more difficult balance poses. I felt really great.
Beth, I have noticed that my nails are so much healthier without alcohol. Have you noticed that? A while back my Mom told me that my nails looked like "an old lady's". They don't anymore
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 67
Hey guys, so busy this weekend. Ugh. Finally finished organizing my photos and files from 4 different computer onto one. It was not really fun, but it was satisfying in many ways. It was also therapeutic looking through old pictures, remembering all the things that have happened in the last five years since my old laptop was purchased, and seeing how far I've progressed. It really felt good to get all that sorted and just move on.
I actually created a photo folder called "ex-boyfriends." In it, I put one (just one) picture of every guy I've been involved with since my divorce. It was kind of like putting them in a box and tying a neat little bow on it and filing it away. Closure, you could say.
I've been so busy with this project that I've really lost track of the days and the sobriety counting thing, etc. I'm thinking we're on Day 30 tomorrow, Beth? That is a huge milestone for me. I'm in unchartered territory at this point. It has been surprisingly easier beyond Day 25, my previous record (x2).
Anyway, hope you all had a great day and weekend!
I actually created a photo folder called "ex-boyfriends." In it, I put one (just one) picture of every guy I've been involved with since my divorce. It was kind of like putting them in a box and tying a neat little bow on it and filing it away. Closure, you could say.
I've been so busy with this project that I've really lost track of the days and the sobriety counting thing, etc. I'm thinking we're on Day 30 tomorrow, Beth? That is a huge milestone for me. I'm in unchartered territory at this point. It has been surprisingly easier beyond Day 25, my previous record (x2).
Anyway, hope you all had a great day and weekend!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Laura...Happy Belated Birthday! Way to go on giving away the bottle of wine. That speaks volumes of your committment to a new way of life.
Beth...making time for ourselves is so important. I used to think I created that escape time when I drank, it numbed me as I went thru some of the routine of my day. That was such an illusion. So, slowly I am still learning how to take care of myself.
Wishing everyone here a good week!
Beth...making time for ourselves is so important. I used to think I created that escape time when I drank, it numbed me as I went thru some of the routine of my day. That was such an illusion. So, slowly I am still learning how to take care of myself.
Wishing everyone here a good week!
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