Class of March 2012 Part 3
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Class of March 2012 Part 3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 631
Vinyl,
Thank you for this post. It makes me realize that I need to get back on my feet again too. This justifying I am doing is nothing more than addiction speaking. I cannot dance with the Devil like this. Moderation for me will only lead to excess.
I just got up from a nap and asked myself why I have had a few beers lately. I have forced myself not to face it, but I really want to know why. I think part of it is because I quit hydrocodone the day after I quit drinking, so March 26th for drinking and March 27th for hydrocodone. I think I have totally used that as an excuse to "celebrate that I at least quit one thing." That is total BS. My AV has been telling me, "But you have done so well quitting hydrocodone, maybe 2 things at once is too much." Again, total BS.
My life goal needs to be, for once, to be COMPLETELY clean and sober. I have not been 100% clean and sober since I was 14 years old. One day/year it has been this, another day or year it has been that. I have ALWAYS wanted to be 100% sober, but I see my attempts lately about the drinking to be very partial. I have explained it away as nothing because "drinking was never my drug of choice." Yes, maybe not, but I have always had it around as a companion to something else.
I think I need to do more deep, hard looking into myself. Something is just not right. I feel like the John Lennon quote, "I always need some drug to survive." Maybe I am afraid of what true sobriety would be? Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it?
I don't know if you guys remember, but I picked my Lexus up from the repair place yesterday. 7K of damage but it is just a car. I thought about what would have happened to my family if the worst had happened. Yet I just paid my small deductible and drove my car away. I thought how easily cars and things can get "fixed" and how proud we can be of something stupid like that. Then I thought how difficult it is for me to get "fixed".
We have to stick together as a group. This group has given me hope and took me to 29 days of sobriety. I want to quit and do not want to continue to drink. Yesterday I thought of AA and the "All that is required for membership is the desire to quit." I have had the desire before, but have gone astray the past week. But it is only a week. I have a lifetime ahead of me. I have to keep on quitting until it sticks. I know it will. I have GOT to learn this day to day thing and quit looking to seemingly impossible future dates or being annoyed to think of a lifetime of never drinking again.
I make a pledge to really try again. I already had my three beers today before my earlier post and nap but will start again THIS MOMENT, not tomorrow. Every sober hour of the day counts.
Last date drinking: Today, May 3rd, 2012, 3:30 pm. This has been crap and I know it. I promise to do better. I promise to proudly post every day from now on. The time is now. I can't even wait until tomorrow. I want this NOW.
Sorry for letting everyone down. I promise to be a true, posting, dependable member of this forum again. I DO have the desire to quit and WILL quit. Have quit. I may only have a whopping 3 hours since those stupid 3 beers but I don't have to face another day lying to myself and being scared to post on here out of shame.
Lee
Thank you for this post. It makes me realize that I need to get back on my feet again too. This justifying I am doing is nothing more than addiction speaking. I cannot dance with the Devil like this. Moderation for me will only lead to excess.
I just got up from a nap and asked myself why I have had a few beers lately. I have forced myself not to face it, but I really want to know why. I think part of it is because I quit hydrocodone the day after I quit drinking, so March 26th for drinking and March 27th for hydrocodone. I think I have totally used that as an excuse to "celebrate that I at least quit one thing." That is total BS. My AV has been telling me, "But you have done so well quitting hydrocodone, maybe 2 things at once is too much." Again, total BS.
My life goal needs to be, for once, to be COMPLETELY clean and sober. I have not been 100% clean and sober since I was 14 years old. One day/year it has been this, another day or year it has been that. I have ALWAYS wanted to be 100% sober, but I see my attempts lately about the drinking to be very partial. I have explained it away as nothing because "drinking was never my drug of choice." Yes, maybe not, but I have always had it around as a companion to something else.
I think I need to do more deep, hard looking into myself. Something is just not right. I feel like the John Lennon quote, "I always need some drug to survive." Maybe I am afraid of what true sobriety would be? Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it?
I don't know if you guys remember, but I picked my Lexus up from the repair place yesterday. 7K of damage but it is just a car. I thought about what would have happened to my family if the worst had happened. Yet I just paid my small deductible and drove my car away. I thought how easily cars and things can get "fixed" and how proud we can be of something stupid like that. Then I thought how difficult it is for me to get "fixed".
We have to stick together as a group. This group has given me hope and took me to 29 days of sobriety. I want to quit and do not want to continue to drink. Yesterday I thought of AA and the "All that is required for membership is the desire to quit." I have had the desire before, but have gone astray the past week. But it is only a week. I have a lifetime ahead of me. I have to keep on quitting until it sticks. I know it will. I have GOT to learn this day to day thing and quit looking to seemingly impossible future dates or being annoyed to think of a lifetime of never drinking again.
I make a pledge to really try again. I already had my three beers today before my earlier post and nap but will start again THIS MOMENT, not tomorrow. Every sober hour of the day counts.
Last date drinking: Today, May 3rd, 2012, 3:30 pm. This has been crap and I know it. I promise to do better. I promise to proudly post every day from now on. The time is now. I can't even wait until tomorrow. I want this NOW.
Sorry for letting everyone down. I promise to be a true, posting, dependable member of this forum again. I DO have the desire to quit and WILL quit. Have quit. I may only have a whopping 3 hours since those stupid 3 beers but I don't have to face another day lying to myself and being scared to post on here out of shame.
Lee
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
What do you think is causing the temptation Vinyl? Sometimes I find if I can figure out why I'm less bothered by it. 98% of the time I can put it down to a conditioned response. But I agree with Dee on the AV thing, don't engage...I always ended up losing that 'argument'.
Sorry to hear that INH and Lee
Are you forgetting the bad times maybe? Sometimes it's not a bad idea to remember negative stuff. I have this thing right now telling me that if I started drinking again that I could moderate it...seriously I don't know where this **** comes from! I guess maybe it's because I have successfully stopped for a few months and this is literally the longest time I've been without drinking since I was 14. However I intensely don't want to. I think I've been sick of drinking for longer than I thought but just didn't think I could not.
Do you really want to be able to drink socially? For me I really can't see the point because social drinking is just a few right? But saying that I haven't been going out too much. I may have this all to come...
Sending hugs to everyone who's struggling xxx
Sorry to hear that INH and Lee
Are you forgetting the bad times maybe? Sometimes it's not a bad idea to remember negative stuff. I have this thing right now telling me that if I started drinking again that I could moderate it...seriously I don't know where this **** comes from! I guess maybe it's because I have successfully stopped for a few months and this is literally the longest time I've been without drinking since I was 14. However I intensely don't want to. I think I've been sick of drinking for longer than I thought but just didn't think I could not. Do you really want to be able to drink socially? For me I really can't see the point because social drinking is just a few right? But saying that I haven't been going out too much. I may have this all to come...
Sending hugs to everyone who's struggling xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 631
I think you are right, Hypo, that it is good to sometimes think of the negatives of the past, but for me I think that AV is just so damned good at telling me that the past "wasn't that bad". I am a pro at BS'ing myself and also at telling myself that I was never a daily drinker so I could not be an alcoholic. Back to semantics over and over with me. I constantly debate the alcoholic thing..the AM I OR AREN'T I? But every time I do that I think of a friend of mine who is in AA who ALWAYS tells me "Non-problem drinkers don't count drinks and days in between and continually ask themselves if they are an alcoholic" anymore that I think people who do not suffer from anything else gives it a bit of mind. I like chocolate but I don't go around wondering if I eat too much chocolate. Somebody probably does, but not me. I'm not a gambler and walk by anything related to gambling (even lottery tickets) and pay them no mind. I used to be so hardcore into cigarette smoking but have gone 15 years and cannot even remember what it was like to have one.....so I think your points are super valid and spot on. Thanks. Lee
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I've battled with the am I aren't I thing too, all my life and never more so than when I quit...it's a real stumbler. I almost think if we got rid of the word alcoholic then this would be much easier. You can compare yourself to other people and think you're okay or you can just think purely about yourself and your own relationship with alcohol and what you want to change about it. My family don't really believe me but I'm having to trust myself on this one. It's hard and it's frustrating but it's not impossible x
ANewBeginning
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,822
Hey my friends... sorry I haven't been on lately... vacation and all...
Keep trying you guys who have slipped up as of late. It's worth it. It REALLY is!
I'm now officially at 64 days! I thought about having a drink a little bit ago... bought hubby some corona... I dont' need it though... it's just a want and I have the power to say no. We all do. So, like I said -- keep trying
Gotta go, I'll right more when I get back home... maybe Sunday or Monday.
Peace and hope to all of you!
Keep trying you guys who have slipped up as of late. It's worth it. It REALLY is!
I'm now officially at 64 days! I thought about having a drink a little bit ago... bought hubby some corona... I dont' need it though... it's just a want and I have the power to say no. We all do. So, like I said -- keep trying
Gotta go, I'll right more when I get back home... maybe Sunday or Monday.
Peace and hope to all of you!
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
Its really hitting for me how much more tired I feel since I picked back up. It has only been three days but I suppose I got used to the well rested feeling I had before, even if I wasn't exactly getting as much sleep as I needed it did feel better. Yesterday was volleyball and I did drink a little but today there is no social excuse for me to drink, so here is shooting to go for it again. The plan is to stay at work till late, (of course crusing SR as well) and then hopefully the mail that came in yesterday evening brought my computer parts and other things that I ordered. When I do finally go home I am going to "lock myself away" in my room for the night and assemble my computer, or clean if the mail didn't bring my parts. Either way I am giving this another crack as I once again realize that it isn't making me happy, while I have not been drinking enough to make me miserable again I will eventually and I don't want to go back there. So here is to waking up Saturday morning fresh and sober.
Have a good Friday everyone.
Have a good Friday everyone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 631
OK, so I am for real, this is day #1, and I am excited. To start on a Friday is actually a good day for me, although many people would dread the weekend. I can get plenty of rest and when dreaded Monday comes it will be day #4, so not so dreaded after all!
I am going to go work out the moment I get home today and I have several projects I need to do around the house this weekend as well as yard work. No laziness this weekend! I feel like I have newfound hope and a new drive to do this. I can't fret over dropping the ball, I just have to keep picking it up again. This time I will put more energy into my recovery. I have learned it is not going to be quite so easy as I thought. Which, actually, is a good thing. Most good things in life I have found take work.
Happy Friday, everyone! Here's to day #1 for me and strength for all of you....we are all on this path together!
lee
I am going to go work out the moment I get home today and I have several projects I need to do around the house this weekend as well as yard work. No laziness this weekend! I feel like I have newfound hope and a new drive to do this. I can't fret over dropping the ball, I just have to keep picking it up again. This time I will put more energy into my recovery. I have learned it is not going to be quite so easy as I thought. Which, actually, is a good thing. Most good things in life I have found take work.
Happy Friday, everyone! Here's to day #1 for me and strength for all of you....we are all on this path together!
lee
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
Right there with you Leemzer, it is the pits to be feeling even the incling of those emotions and feelings that I had over and over again before and today I am noticing them. Not anywhere near as bad as then because I haven't been drinking as much but enought that I know what it is and don't like it. I need to elliminate drinking as a possibility again. I dont know when I changed my mind from I never drink, but at some point I did.
Drinking does not exist, in fact i don't even know what it is. At least that is what I am going to tell myself until I believe it.
Drinking does not exist, in fact i don't even know what it is. At least that is what I am going to tell myself until I believe it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Well, I made it, it is the weekend. Oh yes. There were lows, highs, a few tears, but another week is under my belt.
Guys, I'm thinking that the fact that most of us have been thinking the same thing lately is the whole reason these Class Of... threads are here (another thing to thank you for, Dee...) - the novelty has worn off, that burning, frightened drive that we stared off with, and now we're left with the reality.
This week I've wanted to go back to the booze. Not to crash, not to relapse, to go right back and be a drinker again. It was easier. I've battled it all week, and it hasn't exactly gone away, but I'm here and I'm not giving up.
Lee and INH, you're amazing (the rest of you too, but you know...). You started this for a reason. You came here for a reason, and you keep coming back for a reason. I'm so proud of both of you for being so honest and clear about what's been happening, and that you're going to wake up tomorrow clear and easy.
Good luck all...
Love you,
Still
xx
Guys, I'm thinking that the fact that most of us have been thinking the same thing lately is the whole reason these Class Of... threads are here (another thing to thank you for, Dee...) - the novelty has worn off, that burning, frightened drive that we stared off with, and now we're left with the reality.
This week I've wanted to go back to the booze. Not to crash, not to relapse, to go right back and be a drinker again. It was easier. I've battled it all week, and it hasn't exactly gone away, but I'm here and I'm not giving up.
Lee and INH, you're amazing (the rest of you too, but you know...). You started this for a reason. You came here for a reason, and you keep coming back for a reason. I'm so proud of both of you for being so honest and clear about what's been happening, and that you're going to wake up tomorrow clear and easy.
Good luck all...
Love you,
Still
xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi guys!
Just discovered this place, have always been rather slow at working my way round anything vaguely technical like the Internet!
So pleased to have caught up with people who started their journeys at the same time as me, and so heartening to hear your brave and honest posts.
I'm 4 weeks sober today, but started my battle for sobriety in march, slipped up after 10 days then picked myself up again.
The feelings of wanting to pick up again come and go with me, and they happen so unexpectedly and out of the blue!
I'm resisting so far but guess all of us are just moments away from drinking when that feeling strikes.
Good luck to you all, and it feels great to have found you again xxx
Just discovered this place, have always been rather slow at working my way round anything vaguely technical like the Internet!
So pleased to have caught up with people who started their journeys at the same time as me, and so heartening to hear your brave and honest posts.
I'm 4 weeks sober today, but started my battle for sobriety in march, slipped up after 10 days then picked myself up again.
The feelings of wanting to pick up again come and go with me, and they happen so unexpectedly and out of the blue!
I'm resisting so far but guess all of us are just moments away from drinking when that feeling strikes.
Good luck to you all, and it feels great to have found you again xxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Welcome Jeni26 glad to have you on our forum!
SS -- Yea it's weird that this last week has been such a struggle for me as well. I keep telling myself... it will pass and I'll feel better. Today it's true!
Lee + INH -- Hang in there guys you know it WILL get easier!
Have a good friday everyone!
SS -- Yea it's weird that this last week has been such a struggle for me as well. I keep telling myself... it will pass and I'll feel better. Today it's true!
Lee + INH -- Hang in there guys you know it WILL get easier!
Have a good friday everyone!
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
Welcome Jeni, I am sure there is room for one more on this bus somewhere make yourself at home.
Just got a call from my boss letting me know he was gone and instantly my freaking brain says "cool now you can bring some beers into the office while you work on this boring stuff" What the hell is that? Who thinks that? haha man I need to reread my book again that was nuts. I can tell I am back to square one in a manner but at the same time I have a few more lessons and a butt load more confidence I mean heck I made it 5 weeks before and it was actually pretty easy. This bull$hit isn't getting me again. Tonight might be an all nighter as I am thinking about getting a red bull just to give me something to hold onto and drink. As I do that I will have to walk by the beer fridge, I plan to pull a Jedi mind trick on myself meaning imagine that the beers aren't there it is an empty fridge because beer dosen't exist right?
(sugestive hand wave) "These are not the beverages you are looking for"
It makes me smile at least, I am going nuts posting though so sorry if I am hoging all the board space with my inane babble it is helping me distract myself.
On a negative note my computer parts didn't come in Oh well I will have to wait till next week I guess.
Just got a call from my boss letting me know he was gone and instantly my freaking brain says "cool now you can bring some beers into the office while you work on this boring stuff" What the hell is that? Who thinks that? haha man I need to reread my book again that was nuts. I can tell I am back to square one in a manner but at the same time I have a few more lessons and a butt load more confidence I mean heck I made it 5 weeks before and it was actually pretty easy. This bull$hit isn't getting me again. Tonight might be an all nighter as I am thinking about getting a red bull just to give me something to hold onto and drink. As I do that I will have to walk by the beer fridge, I plan to pull a Jedi mind trick on myself meaning imagine that the beers aren't there it is an empty fridge because beer dosen't exist right?
(sugestive hand wave) "These are not the beverages you are looking for"
It makes me smile at least, I am going nuts posting though so sorry if I am hoging all the board space with my inane babble it is helping me distract myself.On a negative note my computer parts didn't come in
Oh well I will have to wait till next week I guess.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
INH, that's brilliant - it's so cool to hear you bouncing around again. You were really down for a while there dude - it's no wonder you started eyeing up the bottle. Look back over some of your posts, man - you really went through the wringer with your job.
And Jeni, hey! Welcome girl
And Job, it always does!
Still
xx
And Jeni, hey! Welcome girl
And Job, it always does!
Still
xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome back to the Marchers Jeni
And thanks Lee, though I think I haven't so much grown as reverted to my 12 year old self before I started drinking Well, nearly.
It really seems that absolutely everyone has thoughts of drinking moderately again and those 'oh, I wasn't that bad feelings'. I almost wish I hadn't been so good at hiding it so I had someone to remind me. But then I've been intensely avoiding people. That's something I'm going to have to face this weekend. I'm seeing my mum tomorrow, who doesn't quite believe me, and my best friend on monday, who doesn't know the reason I quit, and perversely is the person who has given me the hardest time about not drinking. He's not even a drinker, his version of too much to drink is 3 or 4 vodka and cokes. I'm less bothered that I might be tempted to drink than that I might get snappy if anyone gives me a hard time.
Well done on the 64 days R4R and good look on your day ones INH and Lee
And thanks Lee, though I think I haven't so much grown as reverted to my 12 year old self before I started drinking
Well, nearly.It really seems that absolutely everyone has thoughts of drinking moderately again and those 'oh, I wasn't that bad feelings'. I almost wish I hadn't been so good at hiding it so I had someone to remind me. But then I've been intensely avoiding people. That's something I'm going to have to face this weekend. I'm seeing my mum tomorrow, who doesn't quite believe me, and my best friend on monday, who doesn't know the reason I quit, and perversely is the person who has given me the hardest time about not drinking. He's not even a drinker, his version of too much to drink is 3 or 4 vodka and cokes. I'm less bothered that I might be tempted to drink than that I might get snappy if anyone gives me a hard time.
Well done on the 64 days R4R and good look on your day ones INH and Lee
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
