Chino

I had to take responsibility for that while sober. I only have one bad drunk experience but all the rest were stone cold sober. Awareness is a double edged sword at times.

Hey, being truthful about how you feel, especially without nastiness, is a good thing! It is what it is. I have a friend who's never told her family the truth so they always think she's selfish. Her lies perpetuate the problem and create a greater distance.

Impurrfect

((((Kevin))) - I think what you did is a good thing. What they will do with the info is up for grabs, but at least they know why you're having a problem with them.

We got an a/c in back DT and it works!!! Of course our brand new computers froze up on me (only mine) and I got frustrated, but D fixed them and the customers were more than nice about the delay.

It was a good day, though still getting used to the computers. Have not gotten my money yet, but M is supposed to be at work and I will do whatever it takes to get the $49 back.

I am basking in gratitude for my SR friends. So many have helped me, in one way or another, and I am just amazed. One of my friends here is an author, I asked for the name of her book, and she said she realized my financial status, so is just going to send it to me.

I also am looking for an adjunct to my career..becoming a Peer Support Specialist that is an advocate for the mentally ill and addicts. It won't happen any time soon, but with my degree, that certification, I'm sure to get a job and do what I want to do...help people.

Just overflowing with gratitude, tonight

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

Well i do wonder everyone, if i don't depend on SR too much?

Today i am learning to accept my indecisiveness in certain areas of life. I don't want it. indecisiveness but i guess when there, we gotta say yes that is so [in a certain area or aspect] and move on.

So i am very grateful for the knowledge i have.

Impurrfect

(((Kevin))) - one may say I'm addicted to SR, but I do come here often, read a lot through various forums, and I gain a lot of knowledge and insight, so I just consider it part of my recovery.

When going to bed and plugging in my phone to the charger, realized I'd gotten a text from D at midnight, saying "call me at work 911" and my first thought was "OMG, what did I do wrong NOW?" This is a long-seated thing..back from one of my first bosses that never spoke to any of us unless we did something wrong.

I texted her (not calling ANYONE at 3a.m.) and she called me back. The girl working the register, he drawer was $16 short, possibility of someone scamming her with a $20 (the old slip-a-roo) and it was busy and she is new. Has nothing to do with me, but since D is taking her girls to the Aquarium and wasn't sure her phone will work, told her I'd ask Monjour if he'd heard from her and tell him what's going on, as I am planning on talking to him anyway. Again, she was my cheerleader about MY money, and that just feels darned good.

I feel it is a gift of recovery. In the past, if someone got on my nerves or acted in a way I didn't like, I'd just let it fester. Today, I try recovery tools to see if the situation can't be changed, and as a result, I have friends who have my back, and I theirs. There are others I've let go, and had good reason, and I'm fine with that.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Chino

Kevin, I depended on SR heavily at first, along with my therapist and meetings. I swapped my addiction to my daughter with every recovery resource I could find. I stick around now because I need the constant reminders, inspiration, and honestly, I'm just a newbie to recovery in the grand scheme of things.

Amy, your gratitude and humility inspires me

LeadHatter

Thanks for your support Chino and Amy.

today i have been in the chatroom. I met a rather interesting fellow sober 15 years.

Just now i am resisting the urge to 'curry favor' incorrectly in the wrong direction[s] so to speak. It is my habit thinking versus my educated mind.

Have watched 5-10 minutes of a tv show today.

BigDreams1

(((Kevin)))) The best advice I got here in SR is to be gentle with yourself in your recovery. You've spent a lot more time not in recovery than you have in it...so it will take a while to get where you want to be. Progress not perfection!
(((Amy))) I wish I could find the gratitude you have found. This weekend, especially, I have been letting 10 years of pent up anger and hurt out on everyone around me. I can't figure out what triggered it...but there it is. There will probably have to be apologies from me...but at least now I can function after a weekend like this, rather than be bedridden from guilt for my behavior. I had a codie slip..but I am picking myself up, dusting myself off...and starting all over again
(((Chino))) Interesting that you too struggle with the invisibility factor. So interesting that that seems to be a trait of us codies. Do we try to control so much because then we feel we can force people to stay with us and notice us? Hmmmm.
(((Gypsy))) Thanks for the readings darling. Your journey continues to inspire me.

Graduation weekend. Went to 6 parties last night 15 today, 1 tommorow, and 2 plus 2 retirement parties next weekend.....love my students...but this is wearing me out a bit.

Chino

Annie, I've been thinking about what you said all day long, and I still can't get a grip on it. It's like a slippery fish in my hands. For as far back as I can remember, I did whatever I had to do to get attention. I didn't want constant attention, just someone to notice me every now and then. As I got older, every time I was ignored, I made sure I got their attention. Like, how dare you ignore me? I don't ask for much, the least you can do is pay attention when I ask or do something out of the ordinary.

Now that I think about it some more, I guess I was performing as much as I was participating in whatever.

Lots to think about, and thank you!

Impurrfect

(((Annie))) - I learned the gratitude from mom. As she was told she would die within 10 years when I was born, she went out of her way to find gratitude, and I guess it rubbed of on me.

long, busy day at wok, but i DID get my money back

Got disturbing news from a customer. Two restaurants have been robbed in the DT widow (where i work)....pulls up and puts a gun in there face, I'm alread plans on what do to if something slimarl to this situation...drop money, and while picking it up, will set the sinlent alarm

I am really sleepy -worked 10 hours straing, any my back is killing me, abut I'm sure I'll be fine tomorow.

Hugs nd prayers,

amy

Impurrfect

Dad just woke me up, in tears. His "friend", C, died this morning. She had recently had heart surgery, is a severe diabetic, but still....I am numb and in shock. Despite my dislike for the situtation, I did love C. Her son, T, was home and was going to check in rehab tomorrow. C's mom has now lost all 3 of her kids, and she was stuck like glue to C, after C's dad died. I hurt for her foster daughter and granddaughter.

Hell, I hurt for everyone, including myself, but am really worried about dad. He is on his way down there, and I will go to the funeral. I feel there will be an autopsy, as she recently had 2 heart surgeries.

I know this has nothing to do with codie, but since it's been an "issue" for quite a while in my life, I just wanted you to know.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

Well i have a calmness today [and a half of yesterday]. Ha.

Calm not use to that of lately!!!!!!!!I guess i am playing the 'whens is it/is it going to be invaded/polluted by noisy people next door.

My mother tells me she and my father understand regarding my recent messages. That was their response.

So?

Chino

(((Amy))), my condolences to all. My thoughts about your dad has to do with all the stress and upheaval of change. Though he came to you for only a moment before leaving, I'm glad you were able to be there for him. He must be feeling very lonely right now, besides sad over his loss

LeadHatter

Well i feel crazy. Solutions anyone? IDK. Trying to practice giving generously but feel cross when it seems others don't help as much as i do. Im not directing this at us here i get lots of help from here. This is a more general vent at life. Irrational i know. Meanwhile having just told my own parents i'm afraid of them. Whaaaat.

You know im glad to have this board. Sometimes i get replies. Often i do.

Even writing it all down helps. Do you all think sr=blessed i do

Im sorry also for your recent difficulties Amy.

Bravery

Woke up feeling incredibly sad these past few days. I can't get out of bed and I just want to cry and sob. I have nothing to do with my day. I feel so tired and empty.

LeadHatter

Bravery i feel like this, i mean i got things [to do] but they seem next too difficult for me. Part of me feeling i have nothing to do is because i choose wisely who to spend time with. Maybe you can relate.

So as much as you are in pain your posting helps me so i thank you for it. I have wanted to cry at times also. Maybe it will pass for you.

Impurrfect

Sorry guys, but I'm just not in a place I can give any advice or suggestions. Just got off the phone with T. Didn't realize that C had JUST had a "new" heart surgery on MONDAY and only few doctors do it. I encouraged T to get an autopsy, as I just feel it needs to be investigated.

I also told him of a place Tess told me about that helps out when someone dies. Not so sure it's MONEY, but they have lawyers they work with, and T's gonna need that, as he has to figure out what to do with her house.

Dad went to the store to get cinnamon rolls and has had 3, already. That's his coping method. When I called, didn't realize but I was actually talking to the dad of the girl I graduated nursing school with (Laura is T's cousin). Haven't seen her since Brit's mama was a bridesmaid in T's first wedding, and I prayed that the french braid I put in her hair wouldn't fall out...just lots of memories.

I'm going to start studying soon. We are all breaking out in tears, at various times, but this is normal. I've also talked to aunt Phyllis and she said someone once told her "Grief and Guilt have no place being together...dump the guilt" so I am doing that. I HAVE felt guilty about all the dinners I missed, but I was taking care of me, staying out of situations that I felt were unhealthy, and aunt Phyllis agreed.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

Amy im glad to see you posting. Im sorry your finding it hard. You seem like a kind person so I have just said a prayer for you

Gypsy Feet

(((Amy)))) Kevin, a big part of my recovery was learning to give only what I wanted to give from the heart, expecting nothing in return.

Too tired from camping to post much

annie I sure do like it when you make it here to post

Gypsy Feet

Sunday, May 15, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Taking Risks

Take a risk. Take a chance.

We do not have to indulge in obviously foolhardy or self-defeating risks, but we can allow ourselves to take positive risks in recovery. We cannot afford to keep ourselves paralyzed.

We do not have to keep ourselves stymied and trapped out of fear of making a mistake or failing. Naturally, we will make mistakes and fail from time to time. That's part of being fully alive. There are no guarantees. If we are waiting for guaranteed courses of action, we may spend much of our life waiting.

We do not have to shame ourselves or accept shame from anyone else, even those in recovery, for making mistakes. The goal of recovery is not to live life perfectly. The goal of recovery is to live, learn our lessons, and make overall progress.

Take a risk. Do not always wait for a guarantee. We don't have to listen to "I told you so." Dust yourself off after a mistake, and then move on to the success.

God, help me begin to take healthy risks. Help me let go of my fear of failure, and help me let go of my fear of success. Help me let go of my fear of fully living my life, and help me start experiencing all parts of this journey.

LeadHatter

Well for sure helping as an art. To help without patronizing is a skill indeed.

I am able to do that for sure.

I don't resent my helping just today there were others present and i wondered why they were not helping me with the helping. I expect too much of other people. I guess i today i assumed others would pitch in so when they did not i felt hurt abused neglected.

Rational or not its how i felt. I will learn and move on

Learning to live without the ever present coddling/abusing family is a big thing for me right now but i guess my side of the street is not pristine so. Thanks Lisa your dancing people i likey kevin