Mariposa18

Charles, Lisa and Warren~ Thank you so much for your support and for listening. I feel better today. Took a BodyPump class this morning ( 60 minutes of weight training, LOVE IT!) and will be going to my Daughter's school soon to help with the Book Fair =)

Today I want to take some time and write a list of things I'd like to accomplish and work on. Dreams I may have let fall by the wayside all these years. I'm not putting a time limit on things anymore, like I have been doing. I had told myself I'd be at my goal weight by November 1st, not there, but I'm working out on a regular basis and eating healthy. Whether I get there next month or 4 months from now, what matters is that I don't give up.

I'm immensely thankful for all of you. I feel blessed to have you *ALL* in my life~

XOXO

Gypsy Feet

I'm glad your feeling better suz<3 I am still pulling out of a tail spin, I posted on it in the womens forum. (sorry boys :P)

I hear tell that difficult periods are a big part of learning and growth, so I am trying to be patient and quiet and ride this out. I feel very un-me though, which sucks balls!!

Everything here is well, job and room mate are good. Maybe thats what is giving me the time to worry about stupid meaningless bull. . .

Gypsy Feet

Testify!!

Be safe, see you when your plugged back in=)

Suz, I'm out of town Sunday morning so can I congratulate you on 11 months tonight? I know its early, but whooooooooopppiiieeee!!!!

Such a trip that our "first birthdays" are coming up.

I've been to two meetings today, and may go to a third tonight. I am after something, I'll let you know when I find it

<3

Mariposa18

Thanks Lisa =) Love you lots Girl~

I feel bad even posting this. I don't know what is wrong with me, my moods are so up and down its absolutely ridiculous. Right now I would kill for a bottle of wine, been feeling that devil on my shoulder way too often lately. I feel myself trying to rationalize something I know I shouldn't do.

I'm such a mess...

Mariposa18

I feel like I"m made of thread and that I'm being pulled apart one by one...why am I feeling like this now? WTF?! I went to bed around 4pm and slept for over an hour. I'm awake and all I want to do is go back to sleep.

Shouldn't I be feeling happy and accomplished? I'm also suddenly very annoyed whenever I hear anyone referring to any kind of "higher power" and that is NOT like me at ALL!!!!!

I think I need to stay here and read for a while...

Gypsy Feet

ya, I hit a weird wall this month too, hence the meetings. I reckon if we just don't drink, we don't have to worry about that part, but the construction of our sober coping skills sure is hard some days.

Mariposa18

Lisa~ I've yet to go to a meeting or get any kind of counseling. When I feel like this I tell myself "You need help" then I feel better and tell myself I'm just fine alone. But days like today, I seriously question why I even bother...

I won't drink, no matter how badly I want this pain to stop, no matter how much I want to forget the world.

How are your meetings going? Do you still enjoy them?

Gypsy Feet

enjoy is a funny word=) I almost hate them, but I learn sooooo much at each one. Sometimes, I don't hear anything I think even sticks, and then hours later revelations sink in. I know for me, the time has come to learn new thought processes. See Suz, when things are good, we are fine. But when we are hurting, lost or scared, we have always been able to hide. After the guy decided he couldn't continue dating me, I went through an absolute storm of self doubt, fear, anger, uhg and so much more. It took 8 days of posting here, talking to people here, reading recovery books and meetings before I came back from the ledge and figured some things out.

I can think of the guy with the vaguest sense of chagrin over the sent emails, gratitude for the lessons, and good will towards him now, and 8 days ago I might have run him over in my car if he crossed in front of it=)

The thing I see at meetings that I may come to enjoy, is that the people who have been there along time have made friends, they are all super happy to see each other. Its sort of like our class, only with real life hugs

Mariposa18

I thought I had developed some skills for coping...apparently not because I dove head first into the Halloween candy! lol Whatever, that fun size Snickers made me feel better dang it!

I totally understand what you mean Lisa and you are 100% right. I'm feel so scared of walking into an AA meeting. I know nobody there will judge me and I'm pretty sure it will help. BUT all this time I've done it on my own and with you guys, you would think being almost at a year would make it EASIER to do it alone. Guess Not =( I've barely spoken to my Husband the past two days, I just don't know what to tell him. I did tell him yesterday that I was having a hard time with my Sobriety thing right now but that I didn't want to talk about it. I know he's worried, but I really don't know what to tell him! That I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin because I want to numb every part of me? That I would rather be asleep than deal with things? That I'm petrified when I get in my car because of the self harming thoughts?

I know I need to talk to him, I just don't want to unload this all on him for the upteenth time. I often wonder how he's not tired of me by now.

ETA: I found my journal from this time last year. I was in the middle of my breakdown with drinking, realizing it was bad and needing to stop but it was progressing. This month is when I had a few false starts, my final drink, found SR. I'm sure this HAS to have something to do with how I'm feeling. I just wish I could process it and feel better.

Mariposa18

Was feeling better earlier today, then right back to hell.

I swear if this doesn't change soon, I'm going to stay in bed until next year!

Gypsy Feet

Suz, you know the saying, nothing changes if nothing changes honey? It might be time to shake things up, therapy, AA, or something to change things.

hang in there <3

Glad the move went well warren, thing about 2 bedrooms is, they are soooo much easier to clean!

Dee74

I think GF might be on to something Suz...

remember when we'd drink, feel bad, then after a while we'd feel ok and not do anything about it....and it'd happen all over again?

Maybe it's time to change the pattern?


D

Mariposa18

Dee and Lisa~ Thank you, for the love and support. I agree, something has to change or I will end up where I last want to be. Today has been difficult, being pulled into Family chaos which I want no part of. Will do some reading on the Codie thread for sure.

BTW, Lisa, what recovery books have you read that helped?

Gypsy Feet

reading the big book from AA right now, and codependent no more of course. My first 3-4 months of sobriety I went to the local library and checked out every book they had on recovery and spiritual repair, but I am sorry I don't have the names.

Mariposa18

Lisa~ I've seen the Big Book at my local library, I can pick it up tomorrow. I'll just look through while I'm there and pick up anything else that catches my eye =)

The Family drama (nothing to do with me, but with pain in the a** little Brother) left me feeling icky, so I dragged my butt to the Gym for some Zumba with a Friend. I sweat like crazy and feel immensely better right now. Working out helps me so much I may just become a Gym rat! Going to watch "V" soon, CAN'T WAIT! I was a huge fan of the series in the '80's...yep, I'm a Sci-Fi Girl! lol

Lots of Love to all of you~ XOXO

Gypsy Feet

I totally forgot about the gym, it keeps me sane lots! I meet my "sponsor" tomorrow, I'll let you know what I think. She looks like my granny, so it might be hard to tell her all my bad stuff haha

Mariposa18

OMG, I am livid right now! So what happened today was that My Mom called me telling me about the drama with little Brother, he kept calling her AT WORK with his BS, she finally broke down and asked me to call him and ask him to leave her alone, stop calling her and for him not to go to the house. I didn't want to, but like a dumba** I did, because I could hear the desperation in her voice.

SO, I just got a text from Little Brother. Telling me I was rude when I called him today and he will go to my Mother's house whenever he pleases, that whoever has a problem with it can tell him to his face. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm so over him and his issues and I'm so pissed right now that after feeling better and having a nice dinner with Hubby I am now pissed all over again. I'm shaking I"m so angry...

Gypsy Feet

ick, sounds like a nightmare. I would retype that whole post in the codie section, those girls are so smart in how to handle family bs, go do it now!!

I met with my sponsor today and it was. . .anti climactic. I am suppose to start a resentment list, but I don't know that I have any, meh.

Hang in there Suz, it really isn't your problem honey, its between the two of them.

Mariposa18

Lisa~ Did you think it would go differently? I guess what I"m asking is did you think it would be kind of an AHA moment when you met with her? Am I making sense?

You are right, their problem has nothing to do with me, but my Mom put me in the middle. I re-posted in the Codie thread, but I'll say it here as well. I've began to notice I have a LOT of resentment/anger/whatever, towards my Brother, my Dad and even my Mom. I feel my Brother has always been put first, like his neediness and drama has always trumped my needs. If I sit and think about it I can come up with endless situations in which I've felt like the "less cared for" child. *sigh*

Mariposa18

Quick Update~ Little Brother and Mom spoke, don't know what about because Mom wouldn't tell me (although I know it wasn't good, she sounded upset) . BUT, get this, Little Brother told her it wasn't fair for her to put me in the middle, if she had something to tell him to tell him herself, not have me call him for her. She told him he was absolutely right and she told me she was sorry for putting me in the middle. Let me tell you, that's the last thing I expected. I did text him and apologize, told him I loved him, he said the same. So even though him and my Mom aren't in the best of terms, I at least know I won't be getting pulled into it anymore (let's hope!)

Looking forward to getting a great workout in tomorrow morning, since I did WAY too much stress eating the past few days. I'm going to do my best from now on to not let myself get so upset over things/people I cannot control. I'm taking the wonderful advice given here and on the Codie thread and detaching, work on myself, and look into therapy and/or meetings.

Thanks for letting me vent here so much lately, it really has been my saving grace.

XOXO~