Codependency and Beyond Part 5
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Kevin)) - so glad your mom is going to be okay. I understand the tears of gratitude. Sometimes they hit me out of the blue. BTW, I've read Melody's books so many times, I know parts of them by heart.
((Kendra)) - I'm glad you're getting help, too. I remember having a lot of the same feelings. That's about the time I bought my first copy of "codependent no more" and thought it was a great book, but I wasn't ready to do anything about my codie-ness.
((Lisa)) ((Grateful)) ((IO)) ((SG)) ((HG)) ((everyone else))
I found out, last night, that my hours at work have been cut. Not sure what to think. It's good, because I don't have to do all the clean up, and I'm not there after we're closed. It's not good because I miss some prime tip time. I'm trying to just have faith that this is what's supposed to be happening.
Once again, I feel like I'm stumbling along the path in darkness; however, at least when I'm ready to get out, I'll have a good foundation and some experience, so I'll have a good idea of what decisions to make in my life. I hope that made sense...half asleep here
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Kendra)) - I'm glad you're getting help, too. I remember having a lot of the same feelings. That's about the time I bought my first copy of "codependent no more" and thought it was a great book, but I wasn't ready to do anything about my codie-ness.
((Lisa)) ((Grateful)) ((IO)) ((SG)) ((HG)) ((everyone else))
I found out, last night, that my hours at work have been cut. Not sure what to think. It's good, because I don't have to do all the clean up, and I'm not there after we're closed. It's not good because I miss some prime tip time. I'm trying to just have faith that this is what's supposed to be happening.
Once again, I feel like I'm stumbling along the path in darkness; however, at least when I'm ready to get out, I'll have a good foundation and some experience, so I'll have a good idea of what decisions to make in my life. I hope that made sense...half asleep here
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Amy your job sounds like such a stress, I truly hope you can square your financial needs with the reduced hours.
Kevin I am glad your mom is o.k., and I am glad you were shown the light. I look forward to the time when you can come a share a small step forward in your relations with your daughter, as I believe you and she will find your way back to each other.
I have the house to myself today, and I didn't realize til this morning that is EXACTLY what I need. Someone else must have figured it out for me
Kevin I am glad your mom is o.k., and I am glad you were shown the light. I look forward to the time when you can come a share a small step forward in your relations with your daughter, as I believe you and she will find your way back to each other.
I have the house to myself today, and I didn't realize til this morning that is EXACTLY what I need. Someone else must have figured it out for me
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
June 6
The Gift Of Readiness
We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Step Six of Al-Anon
We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, an openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves - God.
The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.
The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.
Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.
God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me to know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self-defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.
The Gift Of Readiness
We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Step Six of Al-Anon
We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, an openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves - God.
The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.
The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.
Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.
God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me to know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self-defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,557
Kev,
Your Mum and your daughter are very lucky to have you for a son and a father. I hope you get a chance to get back to Britain to see your Mum again too. And, I continue to pray for you and your daughter.
Eyes,
I love 'alone' time too!
Your Mum and your daughter are very lucky to have you for a son and a father. I hope you get a chance to get back to Britain to see your Mum again too. And, I continue to pray for you and your daughter.
Eyes,
I love 'alone' time too!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi everyone....
I just came inside from doing some yard work at the new house!!! I love it! I have lived in so many apartments for years now that it's just fantastic to have a yard....even though I'm not really living here until after the wedding...
Hello, Kevin! I hope you will be able to see your Mum soon. Personally, I think grateful tears are the best kind.
Lisa, enjoy the alone time! I hope your daughter keeps you posted during her trip. That would be fun!
Amy, I'm so sorry to hear about your continued frustrations. I hope everything works out with the insurance or that some other options open up soon!
Hugs to one and all! HG
I just came inside from doing some yard work at the new house!!! I love it! I have lived in so many apartments for years now that it's just fantastic to have a yard....even though I'm not really living here until after the wedding...
Hello, Kevin! I hope you will be able to see your Mum soon. Personally, I think grateful tears are the best kind.
Lisa, enjoy the alone time! I hope your daughter keeps you posted during her trip. That would be fun!
Amy, I'm so sorry to hear about your continued frustrations. I hope everything works out with the insurance or that some other options open up soon!
Hugs to one and all! HG
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,795
Thnaks ((((everyone)))) Thsi is amazing to me I thought I had done most of the work and here I go again. But this is different, regardless of teh joy pain difficult or ease I am glad to be looking at myself and relationships.
Sending you all a hug, back to brekky
Kevin
Sending you all a hug, back to brekky
Kevin
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I am in the midst of a great and powerful period of change, learning and growth. As I type this I am overwhelmed by it all and in tears. Today I have been helping my daughter pack. As I am grieving for the loss of "child", I am also appreciating the flavor of my emotions newly sober and first felt. I am throwing beginner's prayers upward for my child's safe passage, and realizing she never belonged to me, I was only care taking for a time. I also realize my mother must have grieved terribly for me, as I was a troubled child and gone from the nest much sooner.
As I sit in the eye of this storm of change, my husband's brother who is near and dear to me calls. His oldest step son has been in an accident, and will not make it. He is the same age as my daughter. I just found this post in the spiritual forums, it moved me and I would like to share
Children
And a woman who held a babe against
her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for
itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not
to you.
You may give them your love but not your thougts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make
them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with
yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living
arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the
infinite, and He bends you with His might that His
arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for
gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He
loves also the bow that is stable.
~Kahlil Gibran
You have all given me gifts, I am so grateful to have found you.
As I sit in the eye of this storm of change, my husband's brother who is near and dear to me calls. His oldest step son has been in an accident, and will not make it. He is the same age as my daughter. I just found this post in the spiritual forums, it moved me and I would like to share
Children
And a woman who held a babe against
her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for
itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not
to you.
You may give them your love but not your thougts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make
them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with
yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living
arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the
infinite, and He bends you with His might that His
arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for
gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He
loves also the bow that is stable.
~Kahlil Gibran
You have all given me gifts, I am so grateful to have found you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Lisa, huge hugs for a sad mother's heart. I can only just imagine how hard it is to let go of a precious child! Prayers going out for your BIL's child and family....it is extra sad when they leave us soooo young.
:praying
HG
:praying
HG
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language of letting go by Melody Beattie
June 7
Into Orbit
It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to , or cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
- Codependent No More
I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change....She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am and then she'll be able to love...Nobody's been able to do that....Nobody's ever really given him a chance....Nobody's ever really believed in him before...
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we are in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us.
It will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him...Nobody has seen what I see in her...It's a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough....Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do....
Its a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.
WE have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
June 7
Into Orbit
It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to , or cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
- Codependent No More
I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change....She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am and then she'll be able to love...Nobody's been able to do that....Nobody's ever really given him a chance....Nobody's ever really believed in him before...
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we are in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us.
It will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him...Nobody has seen what I see in her...It's a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough....Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do....
Its a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.
WE have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
Last edited by grateful2b; 06-07-2009 at 06:32 AM.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Lisa
my mother's heart aches for yours....what gifts you give your child...the gifts of love, faith and hope...
your share has really helped me today...as I began reading through your post I thought of Gibran and his passage on children..... I have all his books and know this passage practically by heart....and further down there it was....and tho I know it , I needed to be reminded of it; these days it should be on the fridge
....thank you, Lisa....I admire so much how you are moving through this very difficult time....I did not realize until I saw it on another of your posts that she will be moving 1500 miles away...
a reminder that I need to savor each moment I manage to have with my daughter, no matter what is going on...
Prayers for your brother-in-law and his family and all who loved this young man...
hugs and prayers for you, Lisa...
my mother's heart aches for yours....what gifts you give your child...the gifts of love, faith and hope...your share has really helped me today...as I began reading through your post I thought of Gibran and his passage on children..... I have all his books and know this passage practically by heart....and further down there it was....and tho I know it , I needed to be reminded of it; these days it should be on the fridge
....thank you, Lisa....I admire so much how you are moving through this very difficult time....I did not realize until I saw it on another of your posts that she will be moving 1500 miles away...a reminder that I need to savor each moment I manage to have with my daughter, no matter what is going on...
Prayers for your brother-in-law and his family and all who loved this young man...
hugs and prayers for you, Lisa...
Last edited by grateful2b; 06-07-2009 at 06:54 AM.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
ok, so I woke up this morning and realized that this feeling of dread I have been waking up with for a while now, is depression (dread; there's more to it than that, but for the sake of space)...I had wondered about it, but my codie mind did not want to yield.... ...but now I am pretty sure I am dealing with a good deal more than the emotions connected to my mom's passing....and my daughter's up and down journey with alcohol...
I have been feeling slowly better and better, like walking out of a huge storm cloud...
but now that the air is clearing, I can see that I am depressed and tomorrow I will march my self off to my doc and get some anti d's....
I really don't like taking anti d's, but I need them, period, end of story..
Phaleron, Firestorm
)...I had wondered about it, but my codie mind did not want to yield.... ...but now I am pretty sure I am dealing with a good deal more than the emotions connected to my mom's passing....and my daughter's up and down journey with alcohol...I have been feeling slowly better and better, like walking out of a huge storm cloud...
but now that the air is clearing, I can see that I am depressed and tomorrow I will march my self off to my doc and get some anti d's....
I really don't like taking anti d's, but I need them, period, end of story..
Phaleron, Firestorm
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Originally Posted by uglyeyes 
I am throwing beginner's prayers upward for my child's safe passage, and realizing she never belonged to me, I was only care taking for a time. I also realize my mother must have grieved terribly for me, as I was a troubled child and gone from the nest much sooner.
As I sit in the eye of this storm of change, my husband's brother who is near and dear to me calls. His oldest step son has been in an accident, and will not make it.
.........
You are the bows from which your children as living
arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the
infinite, and He bends you with His might that His
arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for
gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He
loves also the bow that is stable.
~Kahlil Gibran
.
As I sit in the eye of this storm of change, my husband's brother who is near and dear to me calls. His oldest step son has been in an accident, and will not make it.
.........
You are the bows from which your children as living
arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the
infinite, and He bends you with His might that His
arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for
gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He
loves also the bow that is stable.
~Kahlil Gibran
.
Your post moved me in a powerful way today. I too, was shown this about my son.
That he never "mine"....but lent to me for a time. I need to be reminded often
of this as I tend to "take him back" after I "let go."
But grieving is and feeling sadness is natural..it doesn't mean worry. It is "missing."
The missing is the hard part.
I pray for your brother in law's step son..and the entire family now.
I don't know how I would handle such a situation..none of us ever really do.
And, thank you for posting the Kahbran poem..I love the last parts the best.
In a way..they seem to say to me that God allows a lot of "bending" in our lives
as parents..for the sake of our children. But He will not allow us to break.
Thank you again.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((grateful)))) I'm glad that you have recognized this and are on the way to get the help you need! You deserve to take care of yourself!!
I really do need to go out and buy some Gibran when I have a bit of money. I do love his work.
I hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend. I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and it hit me how much I miss going! My fiance even asked all about it and said he wished that he were in town to go too!! Tuesday night is the CoDA meeting, and I plan to go to that, too.
Thank you all for this place and for sharing your stories and struggles. It helps me more than you can know!
Hugs, HG
I really do need to go out and buy some Gibran when I have a bit of money. I do love his work.
I hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend. I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and it hit me how much I miss going! My fiance even asked all about it and said he wished that he were in town to go too!! Tuesday night is the CoDA meeting, and I plan to go to that, too.
Thank you all for this place and for sharing your stories and struggles. It helps me more than you can know!
Hugs, HG
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Grateful)))
Thanks for today's reading..
All I can say about is.. been there, done that!
" If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we are in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us.
It will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized. "
Nuff said on this end except... it is true.
Thanks for today's reading..
All I can say about is.. been there, done that!
" If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we are in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us.
It will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized. "
Nuff said on this end except... it is true.
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