grateful2b

BigDreams...
I had been on the rollercoaster for so long with her, getting my hopes up as she seemed to be making progress, only to have them dashed as she would relapse yet again..so may false starts..which is why I was neither relieved or excited..there will be time enough for that.
It has been eight years..
I *know now that she will eventually get there..but she has a way to go..
I am quietly grateful that she is making progress now, but I know better now than to get ahead of myself at a little bit of seemingly good news..when that could all change tomorrow..
I will be relieved and deeply grateful when my daughter has finally got her life back, but I am in the meantime trying to live in the moment..when I see her, I am able to support her and cheer her on..
but this is her process, and only she has any control over how it will go..this I have learned, to surrender to, and it has given me peace..
detaching from my daughter does affect my love for her in any way...
detaching from her for me, means detaching from the outcome of the consequences of her choices for her life..
and for me, letting her go, letting her have her life, turned out to be something wonderful...letting her go has given her budding wings..
only when I finally let her go, and left her to fix her own life, did she stir and begin her healing process, tentatively for sure and with many false starts..but begin the process she did...

I found out today that she is in the process of signing up for a codependents course and is that much closer to getting into a rehab here in Ottawa...I am quietly encouraged.....hugs, Grateful

nogard

hi everyone, I have jumped in as I think I need to learn about codependency. I am looking at my current and past relationships.

Just reading for now as I try to take this all in.

Kevin

grateful2b

Kev!...so glad you stopped by

grateful2b

should have written: detaching from my daughter does 'not affect my love for her in any way..
and also wanted to add that the focus of my detachment at this point is about the 'timetable of her recovery...

nogard

Thanks

I was prompted when I saw this thread as my daughter has not spoken to me for 10 months, she gives many reasons but I think the over roding one is that she has found teh courage now that I am clean to stand up to me. She says I terrorised her when I was using and yes I did. She aslo says I still do which is not so but it is taking me time to to find different wasy to respond.

I was terrified 10 months ago when she started to get unwell again and was frantic to find her and talk to her, in my scamble and pushing she pushed me away and I have since then given her the space, I write an email to her every few weeks and talk to her daily (in my head). My realationship with my daughter was teh healthiest one I had when I was using, so imagine the rest!

Recently everything seems to be about relationships for me and I am learning a lot very fast and not all of it by making every mistake there is There is always hope. I am in the right thread.

Kevin

grateful2b

((Kev)), I am sorry you are estranged from your daughter...and I really appreciate your honest and thoughtful share of your relationship with her.
Parenting is tough enough when life is normal...
Your love for your daughter and respect for her process is very evident, and you are so right, there is always hope.
I like what you said: "Recently everything seems to be about relationships for me and I am learning a lot very fast and not all of it by making every mistake there is" that is exciting to me and it sounds like you are open and right where you need to be in your process..
My daughter and I have been through so much as well, and went through a very difficult period where we were estranged for a long time.
It has been my experience that when we are brave enough to do the work, the healing does come with time..hugs, Grateful

IO Storm

Kev))))

I haven't been around here for awhile. Family matters..then I was ill. And then my

brother visited from out of state for two weeks. I was on SR a little..now things are

settling down.

Anna))) Sorry about the concerns with your father. I hope he gets moved and

everything settles down for him as well.

SG))) I am sorry for the loss of your friend, Marilyn..and I will keep her family in

my prayers.

Amy))) A tantrum in your situation ..good grief..who wouldn't? Big girls do cry.

You have been so strong and worked your codependency program so well..I

admire you too! But things have to give sometimes...it's all right to let go!

When I've done that...yep..I call my sponsor and tell her..she says the same thing

every time.."Did you drink or use today?" "No." "Then you've done good!"

Grateful)))))

Such a wonderful example you are...and show of detaching in love. You truly

work this thing. Thank you for showing me, because I sure need an example.

IO Storm

UE..

I can relate to this!

And it is true..things will change when they change. You will know when it is time.

Gypsy Feet

((Kevin))
I started my "difficult" phase at 15, and mostly wanted nothing to do with my mom til I found out I was preggers and in a world of trouble at 21. My daughter is just now, at 21, demanding her life back from me. It hurts and I miss her, I feel for you. I have gained as much from this thread as I have from giving up the bottle, welcome

Welcome back IO, glad things are settling down=)

Impurrfect

((Kevin)) - good to see you here!! My stepmom/one stepsister have similar issues as you and your daughter. They will go months without speaking (I live with dad and stepmom, stepsister lives 10 miles away). I've had to put strong boundaries up in order not to be dragged into the middle. It is all over my stepsister being angry at her mom for things from the past. This thread has helped me work through my codie stuff, tremendously, and I'm glad you're here!

Yesterday, stepmom told Brit that dad was kicking them out (not true). Brit had just come from the counselor (thank God) but still had a smart mouth. I got in between the 3 of them, put the focus BACK on my stepmom, and it died down very quickly. I went in and talked to Brit and was actually amazed at how quickly it was resolved compared to the last time. Work was a little better than home, as far as tension goes.

I am giving myself a treat, though Anvil and I always e-mail each other and when she and Hank drove to WI when Hank's dad was dying, she was e-mailing me from the road, and sending pictures from her blackberry. I've wanted one ever since. I was going to wait until Dec. when my contract runs out, but found out I can get one now So, I'm getting Brit a pink camera (her's broke) to complete her birthday present, and I'm buying ME a blackberry!! I'm actually looking at it as an investment toward my new and better future

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

I came across this quote this morning and thought I would share
We learn as much from sorrow as from joy, as much from illness as from health, from handicapped as from advantaged - and indeed perhaps more
Pearl S. Buck

grateful2b

Amy, that is exciting!....giving yourself a treat and getting yourself a blackberry...

Lisa, I love what you said: "Try and keep the peace with me and be peaceful to those in my life."

Sher, you are missed when you are not here...glad you are feeling better and things are going okay with mom...thank you for your appreciation and encouragement

grateful2b

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

June 2

Owning Our Power

We don't have to give others so much power and ourselves so little. We don't have to give others so much credit and ours so little. In recovery from codependency, we learn there's a big difference between humility and discounting ourselves.

When others act irresponsibly and attempt to blame their problems on us, we no longer feel guilty. We let them face their own consequences.

When others talk nonsense, we don't question our own thinking.

When others try to manipulate or exploit us, we know it's okay to feel anger and distrust and to say no to the plan.

When others tell us that we want something that we really don't want, or someone tells us that we don't want something that we really do want, we trust ourselves. When others tell us things we don't believe, we know it's okay to trust our instincts.

We can even change our mind later.

We don't have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers, friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom we're in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may have more information than we have, and may appear more confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals. Our magic is not in them. Our magic, our light, is in us. And it is as bright a light as theirs.

We are not second-class citizens. By owning our own power, we don't have to discount others. But we don't discount ourselves either.

Today, I will own my power with people. I will let myself know what I know, feel what I feel, believe what I believe, and see what I see. I will be open to changing and learning from others and experience, but I will trust and validate myself too. I will stand in my own truth.

grateful2b

I love this passage....it reminds me of a time when I did not know I was an equal, or that I had a voice...and the hard fought battle to be free to be me, warts and all...
and I am grateful that today I can stand in my truth and allow others the same freedom.

grateful2b

Sher, meant to say..."hope things are going okay with your mom"

Anna

I love that reading also, Grateful.

In the ongoing drama with my dad/brother/nephew, I know my own voice and where I stand. The questions that I had, have been answered and I am no longer questioning myself. It's wonderful.


And, further to Grateful's quote, "We learn as much from sorrow as from joy, as much from illness as from health, from handicapped as from advantaged - and indeed perhaps more."
Pearl S. Buck

has anyone read the new book by Elizabeth Lesser called Broken Open - How Difficult Times Can Help Us To Grow?

I'm half way through now and really getting a lot out of it.

Seren

Hi everyone,

I realize I'm kind of persona non-grata on the boards right now, but I wanted to stop by and offer special hugs to Amy and Lisa. I'm sorry to hear all that you are going through and hope that your worlds get sunnier soon.

Best,
HG

grateful2b

(((hg)))

Anna

HG, take care of yourself and I hope you feel better.

Gypsy Feet

HG you are missed!

Anna, I can't keep up with all of the books people recommend here (of course most of my reading is in the hot tub with my used-book 50 cent thrillers). I am just looking forward to finally getting a copy of codependent no more in the mail any day whooopie!