Codependency and Beyond Part 4
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Codependency and Beyond Part 4
Here is the Link to Part 3:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 17
Letting Things Happen
We do not have to work so hard at gaining insights. Yes, we're learning that painful and disappointing things happen, often for reason and a higher purpose. Yes, these things often work out for good. But we don't have to spend so much time and energy figuring out the purpose and plan for each detail of our life. That's hypervigilence!
Sometimes, the car doesn't start. Sometimes, the dishwasher breaks. Sometimes, we catch a cold. Sometimes, we run out of hot water. Sometimes, we have a bad day. While it helps to achieve acceptance and gratitude for these irritating annoyances, we don't have to process everything and figure out if it's in the scheme of things.
If we need to recognize a particular insight or awareness, we will be guided in that direction. Certainly, we want to watch for patterns. But often, the big insights and the significant processing happen naturally.
We don't have to question every occurence to see how it fits into the Plan - the awareness, the insight, the potential for personal growth - will reveal itself to us. Perhaps the lesson is to learn to solve our problems without always knowing their significance. Perhaps the lesson is to trust ourselves to live, and experience, life.
Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. i will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will trust my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 17
Letting Things Happen
We do not have to work so hard at gaining insights. Yes, we're learning that painful and disappointing things happen, often for reason and a higher purpose. Yes, these things often work out for good. But we don't have to spend so much time and energy figuring out the purpose and plan for each detail of our life. That's hypervigilence!
Sometimes, the car doesn't start. Sometimes, the dishwasher breaks. Sometimes, we catch a cold. Sometimes, we run out of hot water. Sometimes, we have a bad day. While it helps to achieve acceptance and gratitude for these irritating annoyances, we don't have to process everything and figure out if it's in the scheme of things.
If we need to recognize a particular insight or awareness, we will be guided in that direction. Certainly, we want to watch for patterns. But often, the big insights and the significant processing happen naturally.
We don't have to question every occurence to see how it fits into the Plan - the awareness, the insight, the potential for personal growth - will reveal itself to us. Perhaps the lesson is to learn to solve our problems without always knowing their significance. Perhaps the lesson is to trust ourselves to live, and experience, life.
Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. i will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will trust my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time.
Last edited by Anna; 04-17-2009 at 10:39 AM.
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Grateful,
This reading really fits me right now. I have been struggling with some minor health problems and I have found that I am over-analyzing things. Reading your post made me remember that oftentimes, when I let go of something, the answer comes to me. The harder I try to get a hold of it, the more elusive it is.
Tena,
I am sorry that the divorce is taking its toll on you. I know how much you cared for Danny and that you had planned a future together, and it didn't work out the way you hoped.
This reading really fits me right now. I have been struggling with some minor health problems and I have found that I am over-analyzing things. Reading your post made me remember that oftentimes, when I let go of something, the answer comes to me. The harder I try to get a hold of it, the more elusive it is.
Tena,
I am sorry that the divorce is taking its toll on you. I know how much you cared for Danny and that you had planned a future together, and it didn't work out the way you hoped.
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Anna, that is so true!
(((Live))) I , too, had no relationship with my mother for all of my life...
It was only in the last twenty years that we have had an adult relationship...and in the last year, it evolved into a lovely woman's friendship...
the nature of our relationship for my young life was very abusive...she has since passed recently and I am very grateful for the healing that took place in each of our lives with one another...I feel like we did the work we came to do with each other , you know?
I am so glad that you are enjoying such a loving relationship with your mom, Live....that is a blessing for sure...prayers that her healing is swift!
I am so sorry about your divorce....such a big challenge ...sending prayers serenity your way
I admire your clarity of personal purpose in spite of what is going on around you..
and I am so glad you have come to join us here:ghug2
(((Live))) I , too, had no relationship with my mother for all of my life...
It was only in the last twenty years that we have had an adult relationship...and in the last year, it evolved into a lovely woman's friendship...
the nature of our relationship for my young life was very abusive...she has since passed recently and I am very grateful for the healing that took place in each of our lives with one another...I feel like we did the work we came to do with each other , you know?
I am so glad that you are enjoying such a loving relationship with your mom, Live....that is a blessing for sure...prayers that her healing is swift!
I am so sorry about your divorce....such a big challenge ...sending prayers serenity your way
I admire your clarity of personal purpose in spite of what is going on around you..
and I am so glad you have come to join us here:ghug2
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Yesterday's reading hit home with me, it said we are learning to take care of ourselves INSTEAD of obsessively focusing on another person. It seems all my life, I have been obsessively focusing on everyone else. Worry, Worry, and more Worry. Always a knot in my stomache. Also feeling so responsible for others and their happiness.
Thank God, that I have realized what I have been doing and have started really living and learning to take care of myself...
Thank God, that I have realized what I have been doing and have started really living and learning to take care of myself...
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Originally Posted by SerenityGirl 
Also feeling so responsible for others and their happiness.
Taking care of myself first is such a new concept for me. I don't really know how to do it very well just yet...
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 18
Freedom
Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children. As adults, we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.
Some of us don't recognize that caretaking and not setting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.
Some of us don't understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.
Some of us don't know that we hold the key to our own freedom. That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves. When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk through.
Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.
April 18
Freedom
Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children. As adults, we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.
Some of us don't recognize that caretaking and not setting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.
Some of us don't understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.
Some of us don't know that we hold the key to our own freedom. That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves. When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk through.
Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.
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(((Grateful))) Thank you for this reading on Freedom! I wrote a letter to my future addict stepson yesterday and mailed it. I think that my reason for sending it was to let him know where I stood on the issues (so to speak), and because I feel as though I now have a right to speak to him on my own behalf. I have no expectations from him whatsoever.....but maybe, just maybe, I felt as though it would provide me with some measure of freedom.
Hugs to all, HG
Hugs to all, HG
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((CoDie)) It has been a totally new concept for me too. I just thought it was so selfish to not feel responsible for others. But the truth is we are not responsible for others happiness, they are. We are responsible for our own. I thought that I couldn't be happy and content till everyone else is, but that doesn't seem to be happening so I better start making myself happy. Life is too darn short!!!! Have you got the book Codependency no More by Melodie Beattie, its has been very helpful to me..
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Codependency: I am She as You are He as You are Me and We are All Together
I found this article on another site, and it's such a good article, I wanted to share it with you all. 
Codependency: I am She as You are He as You are Me and We are All Together | Depression On My Mind
Do any of you have a physical reminder to keep your codependency behaviors in check? Although I've been working for years on my codependent issues, like the author, I really have to have a handy reminder to keep my codependent behaviors in check. She has her red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos in a box on a shelf in the closet. Now that my son is out of prison again, it's time for me to start wearing my Ruby Recovery Ring again.
How about you?
Or is there any other feedback you'd like to share about this article?
Shalom!
Codependency: I am She as You are He as You are Me and We are All Together
By Christine Stapleton
April 17, 2009
Where do I end and you begin?
You could be a stranger and I would not know. Your problems are mine. Your consequences are my challenges. “I will take care of that.” ”You don’t have to worry about it.” ” Lemme see what I can do.”
This is my codependency. It is masked in selflessness and martyrdom. “Go ahead. I didn’t want it anyway.” “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” “I would never think of…”
I will offer advice and directions when you don’t want it. I will push and pull you at the same time. I am like a tick - I will dig my fingernails into your psyche and suck out your free will. No matter what you do to me, you cannot get rid of me. I will mask all my demands in good intentions. I will take care of all your needs — even the ones you do not know you have — and you will feel guilty. I will mirror your feelings.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough. You will embarrass me if you praise me. I will resent you if you don’t let me help. I will never ask ask for anything and I will lavish gifts and favors on you. “Let’s do what you want to do.” “Why don’t we go to your favorite restaurant?” “That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”
Someday I’m gonna make some man a wonderful doormat.
I had heard about codependency. It sounded like psycho-babble. Then, on April 27, 2006, I fell into the darkest hole I could have imagined. To get out I needed medicine and a new way of living. Not just eating better and getting more exercise. I needed a new paradigm. I needed to be willing to accept that my good deeds were often bad. My right was wrong. Your free-will was not mine. And God forbid - I deserved more.
I went to co-dependency camp at a treatment center. The cost was about $3,000 (including airfare) and I had never spent that much money on myself. I cringed with guilt. I was scared. It was excruciating but thrilling work. It was as if the clouds had parted and I could see what a complete #$%&@^ I had been. I could also see that I deserved more - like those red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos at Nordstrom and maybe even a manicure! Wow.
Three years later I am still working on my codependency. I will will never stop. But today I recognize my codependency. I stop those old behaviors before they get out of hand. I ask my friends to help me. I keep the red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos in a box on a shelf in my closet. Sometimes I wear them for no reason at all. I deserve it.
Christine Stapleton has been a reporter for The Palm Beach Post for 23 years and in 2006, began writing a column entitled, Kicking Depression.
By Christine Stapleton
April 17, 2009
Where do I end and you begin?
You could be a stranger and I would not know. Your problems are mine. Your consequences are my challenges. “I will take care of that.” ”You don’t have to worry about it.” ” Lemme see what I can do.”
This is my codependency. It is masked in selflessness and martyrdom. “Go ahead. I didn’t want it anyway.” “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” “I would never think of…”
I will offer advice and directions when you don’t want it. I will push and pull you at the same time. I am like a tick - I will dig my fingernails into your psyche and suck out your free will. No matter what you do to me, you cannot get rid of me. I will mask all my demands in good intentions. I will take care of all your needs — even the ones you do not know you have — and you will feel guilty. I will mirror your feelings.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough. You will embarrass me if you praise me. I will resent you if you don’t let me help. I will never ask ask for anything and I will lavish gifts and favors on you. “Let’s do what you want to do.” “Why don’t we go to your favorite restaurant?” “That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”
Someday I’m gonna make some man a wonderful doormat.
I had heard about codependency. It sounded like psycho-babble. Then, on April 27, 2006, I fell into the darkest hole I could have imagined. To get out I needed medicine and a new way of living. Not just eating better and getting more exercise. I needed a new paradigm. I needed to be willing to accept that my good deeds were often bad. My right was wrong. Your free-will was not mine. And God forbid - I deserved more.
I went to co-dependency camp at a treatment center. The cost was about $3,000 (including airfare) and I had never spent that much money on myself. I cringed with guilt. I was scared. It was excruciating but thrilling work. It was as if the clouds had parted and I could see what a complete #$%&@^ I had been. I could also see that I deserved more - like those red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos at Nordstrom and maybe even a manicure! Wow.
Three years later I am still working on my codependency. I will will never stop. But today I recognize my codependency. I stop those old behaviors before they get out of hand. I ask my friends to help me. I keep the red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos in a box on a shelf in my closet. Sometimes I wear them for no reason at all. I deserve it.
Christine Stapleton has been a reporter for The Palm Beach Post for 23 years and in 2006, began writing a column entitled, Kicking Depression.
Do any of you have a physical reminder to keep your codependency behaviors in check? Although I've been working for years on my codependent issues, like the author, I really have to have a handy reminder to keep my codependent behaviors in check. She has her red, patent-leather, pointy-toed stilettos in a box on a shelf in the closet. Now that my son is out of prison again, it's time for me to start wearing my Ruby Recovery Ring again.
How about you?
Or is there any other feedback you'd like to share about this article?
Shalom!
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Location: Dancing in the Light
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Teach,
I am really a newbie at this Codependency stuff, and have only just realized that I still had issues with that. A physical reminder is a really good idea. I find that sometimes I caught by surprise and if I had something to remind me constantly, that would help me a lot.
I am really a newbie at this Codependency stuff, and have only just realized that I still had issues with that. A physical reminder is a really good idea. I find that sometimes I caught by surprise and if I had something to remind me constantly, that would help me a lot.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Teach, thank you so much for this article...excellent!!
My daughter is my physical reminder..
she has been my teacher..
she has taught me about love and it was she who blew the cover off my codie self...and her presence in my life provides me with wonderful practice in my recovery...
what a blessing and a gift..
My daughter is my physical reminder..
she has been my teacher..
she has taught me about love and it was she who blew the cover off my codie self...and her presence in my life provides me with wonderful practice in my recovery...
what a blessing and a gift..
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps by Melody Beattie
"Step two is my favorite, because of the sanity clause. When I question God's existence or involvement, this Step assures me that Grace happens" -Jack W
STEP TWO
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
-Step Two of CoDA
I love the Second Step. When I began recovery from codependency, I was devastated by the behavior of people around me. I had abandoned my own life and myself. The things I was doing to make people "see the light" were insane.
I was out of control.
After I surrendered to the First Step by accepting and admitting my powerlessness and unmanageability, the Second Step brought fresh air and hope.
Now I've been recovering for awhile, but I still love this Step. On those days when I forget what I know about recovery, when my mind whirls, when shame returns, when anger, resentment, or old messages begin controlling me, when I forget it's okay to be who I am and that it's okay to own my power, when I panic or become fearful, when I start obsessively looking to others to make me feel or make me real, I know what to do.
I go back to the First Step to get my bearings and remember who I am. Then I go on to the Second Step to become all I'm capable of becoming.
The Second Step puts us on track - a new track - a course that holds more power and direction than we have on our own. It is the transition Step. It takes us from where where we are to where we want to go.
All we are asked to do now is believe. In fact, all we are asked to do is "come to believe." We do that by opening our minds and hearts and connecting with other recovering people.
*Step One can be found in Codependency and Beyond part 3, page 13, post #314...
"Step two is my favorite, because of the sanity clause. When I question God's existence or involvement, this Step assures me that Grace happens" -Jack W
STEP TWO
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
-Step Two of CoDA
I love the Second Step. When I began recovery from codependency, I was devastated by the behavior of people around me. I had abandoned my own life and myself. The things I was doing to make people "see the light" were insane.
I was out of control.
After I surrendered to the First Step by accepting and admitting my powerlessness and unmanageability, the Second Step brought fresh air and hope.
Now I've been recovering for awhile, but I still love this Step. On those days when I forget what I know about recovery, when my mind whirls, when shame returns, when anger, resentment, or old messages begin controlling me, when I forget it's okay to be who I am and that it's okay to own my power, when I panic or become fearful, when I start obsessively looking to others to make me feel or make me real, I know what to do.
I go back to the First Step to get my bearings and remember who I am. Then I go on to the Second Step to become all I'm capable of becoming.
The Second Step puts us on track - a new track - a course that holds more power and direction than we have on our own. It is the transition Step. It takes us from where where we are to where we want to go.
All we are asked to do now is believe. In fact, all we are asked to do is "come to believe." We do that by opening our minds and hearts and connecting with other recovering people.
*Step One can be found in Codependency and Beyond part 3, page 13, post #314...
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Originally Posted by grateful2b
Teach, thank you so much for this article...excellent!!
My daughter is my physical reminder..
she has been my teacher..
she has taught me about love and it was she who blew the cover off my codie self...and her presence in my life provides me with wonderful practice in my recovery...
what a blessing and a gift..
My daughter is my physical reminder..
she has been my teacher..
she has taught me about love and it was she who blew the cover off my codie self...and her presence in my life provides me with wonderful practice in my recovery...
what a blessing and a gift..
and I am happy for that....it keeps my recovery vibrant and fresh....
oh and Anna, I love your new avatar!
(((Amy)))
(((Lisa)))
Last edited by grateful2b; 04-18-2009 at 01:28 PM.
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((Teach)) - great article!! Now you've got me thinking about something as a reminder
Work was interesting, last night. M let the 2 girls who were supposed to stay until closing, with me, go home. I felt she did it out of spite, as I've been honest about the transactions regarding money missing, therefore NOT covering her a$$. In the past, other people (including me) have jumped in, done the work of others, stayed extra hours.
Maybe we're all hitting bottoms, or we're just tired, but there were no volunteers to stay late. M ended up staying with me and even though we close the dining room at 3, we didn't get it clean until almost 4:30 and she still had to do her mgr duties. She was a tremendous help, though, and I am grateful. I just don't think she'll be letting anyone go home early anymore
BTW, I do have next Fri. off...yeah!! Things are really getting tense, there, so I'm working overtime at not getting dragged into it. My buddy who makes the shakes, his favorite saying is "it's okay" in his lovely accent...we say this about a million times a day, and he has no idea how much he helps me!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Work was interesting, last night. M let the 2 girls who were supposed to stay until closing, with me, go home. I felt she did it out of spite, as I've been honest about the transactions regarding money missing, therefore NOT covering her a$$. In the past, other people (including me) have jumped in, done the work of others, stayed extra hours.
Maybe we're all hitting bottoms, or we're just tired, but there were no volunteers to stay late. M ended up staying with me and even though we close the dining room at 3, we didn't get it clean until almost 4:30 and she still had to do her mgr duties. She was a tremendous help, though, and I am grateful. I just don't think she'll be letting anyone go home early anymore
BTW, I do have next Fri. off...yeah!! Things are really getting tense, there, so I'm working overtime at not getting dragged into it. My buddy who makes the shakes, his favorite saying is "it's okay" in his lovely accent...we say this about a million times a day, and he has no idea how much he helps me!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: BC Canada
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((Teach)) Thankyou for the article, very helpful, thats a good idea about the physical reminder. ((Grateful)) Thankyou for the writing on Step two, I definitely need help to restore me to sanity.
((Anna, Amy,Codie,
Lisa, Fall, HG))
((Anna, Amy,Codie,
Lisa, Fall, HG))
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Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Please know,
when I bought myself the Ruby Recovery Ring,
I never thought it would become the tailsman that it is today.
It was the very first thing I bought for myself
Years after my divorce
and it was *just for me.*
There was no purpose for it.
It didn't bring value to the house.
It didn't pay a bill.
Or worse, an overdue bill left to me by my ex....
This was *just for me.*
And yea, I felt guilty
And glad at the same time.
And my friend Ann
helped me to recognize that
it was ok;
that I deserved it.
And I did
I came to realize that slowly.
Thank you Ann!
Shalom!
when I bought myself the Ruby Recovery Ring,
I never thought it would become the tailsman that it is today.
It was the very first thing I bought for myself
Years after my divorce
and it was *just for me.*
There was no purpose for it.
It didn't bring value to the house.
It didn't pay a bill.
Or worse, an overdue bill left to me by my ex....
This was *just for me.*
And yea, I felt guilty
And glad at the same time.
And my friend Ann
helped me to recognize that
it was ok;
that I deserved it.
And I did
I came to realize that slowly.
Thank you Ann!
Shalom!
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