Codependency and Beyond Part 4
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Dev)) - I'm sorry, sweetie.
((Live)) - I can imagine the nightmares are pretty bad. I hope you find a way to get past them.
At first I thought that I was still lousy at the waiting game. However, I just realized that I have improved, as most of the time I am pretty calm while I'm at the "in-between" stage. Of course it also depends on my hormones and how much sleep I've had
Yesterday, hormones AND lack of sleep ganged up on me, so today I have slept. Stress is increasing in both my jobs, but so far home is okay. I'm trying to do my part, NOT jump in and "fix" everything by doing someone else's job, and set aside enough time for me.
It's all codie work. Time to put all those recovery tools to work
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Live)) - I can imagine the nightmares are pretty bad. I hope you find a way to get past them.
At first I thought that I was still lousy at the waiting game. However, I just realized that I have improved, as most of the time I am pretty calm while I'm at the "in-between" stage. Of course it also depends on my hormones and how much sleep I've had
Yesterday, hormones AND lack of sleep ganged up on me, so today I have slept. Stress is increasing in both my jobs, but so far home is okay. I'm trying to do my part, NOT jump in and "fix" everything by doing someone else's job, and set aside enough time for me.
It's all codie work. Time to put all those recovery tools to work
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Today's reading was good for me. I have NEVER been good at waiting for anything. I ALL to often make a serious decision based on my emotions that I'm feeling at that moment. Here lately my emotions change with the wind.... but my consequence from the split decisions often last much longer then the emotion that fueled it. I have a hard time trusting the process. Plus, I have really hurt other people that my rash decisions involve..... Then the clean up (if possible) takes a lot more time and energy then if I just have waited... Got all the FACTS... or just road out the emotions. This is a BIG issue for me....
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Thanks Grateful for today's reading, I have always had a problem with waiting too, feeling anxious. But it sure is alot better than it use to be when I was drinking or taking codeine.
I have realized that my life has been on hold, waiting for things to get better in others lives, instead of living my life. I am determined not to live like that anymore...
I was thinking about the lady I know who is dying of cancer, I believe that she has been codependent also, always worrying about her children and grandchildren and helping them out so much. When I talk to her now, she is so terrified of not being there for her kids. That's her main concern. Which I totally understand, I know I would be the same way. But I think it would be so much better if she felt that her kids would do just fine, then she could pass away in peace. I think when I pray for her, thats what I will pray for.
I have realized that my life has been on hold, waiting for things to get better in others lives, instead of living my life. I am determined not to live like that anymore...
I was thinking about the lady I know who is dying of cancer, I believe that she has been codependent also, always worrying about her children and grandchildren and helping them out so much. When I talk to her now, she is so terrified of not being there for her kids. That's her main concern. Which I totally understand, I know I would be the same way. But I think it would be so much better if she felt that her kids would do just fine, then she could pass away in peace. I think when I pray for her, thats what I will pray for.
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Another wonderful reading!
Waiting is something I have been learning. I always felt compelled to make snap decisions and I couldn't deal with being undecided. Somehow, it seemed lazy to me. So, I rush around. Now, I am trying to learn to live without having all the ends tied up.
Dev,
I am sorry that you're caught up in bureaucracy and inflexibility. That's tough!
(((Amy)))
Kendra,
I let my emotions rule me for so much of my life. I thought that's just how it was. Omigosh, you have learned a lot. Good for you!
SG,
Prayers for your friend!
Waiting is something I have been learning. I always felt compelled to make snap decisions and I couldn't deal with being undecided. Somehow, it seemed lazy to me. So, I rush around. Now, I am trying to learn to live without having all the ends tied up.
Dev,
I am sorry that you're caught up in bureaucracy and inflexibility. That's tough!
(((Amy)))
Kendra,
I let my emotions rule me for so much of my life. I thought that's just how it was. Omigosh, you have learned a lot. Good for you!
SG,
Prayers for your friend!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by SerenityGirl 
I have realized that my life has been on hold, waiting for things to get better in others lives, instead of living my life. I am determined not to live like that anymore...
Thanks Ann for the complement....
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
:ghug2: Everyone..with your sorows and struggles tonight.
And so sorry about your friend, SG.
And Anna..I was wondering how your girl is doing..you rarely say anything about
yourself, so..I'm asking.
And Dev..
I am sorry about your disappointment..truly.
I..am better.
Much love,
Sher
And so sorry about your friend, SG.
And Anna..I was wondering how your girl is doing..you rarely say anything about
yourself, so..I'm asking.
And Dev..
I am sorry about your disappointment..truly.
I..am better.
Much love,
Sher
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
What are some of the BEST books you have read on CoDie issues? I don't have that much money and can't just go buy all of them. I know I can go to the library but I like to write and highlight in my selfhelp books....
I already have The Language of Letting Go/ Journal... I read that one along with Hope for Today every morning....
Thanks!!
I already have The Language of Letting Go/ Journal... I read that one along with Hope for Today every morning....
Thanks!!
Last edited by CoDieNOmore; 04-22-2009 at 07:06 AM. Reason: forgot a word
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by CoDieNOmore
What are some of the BEST books you have read on CoDie issues? I don't have that much money and can't just go buy all of them. I know I can go to the library but I like to write and highlight in my selfhelp books....
I already have The Language of Letting Go/ Journal... I read that one along with Hope for Today every morning....
Thanks!!
I already have The Language of Letting Go/ Journal... I read that one along with Hope for Today every morning....
Thanks!!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Oh gosh...she as written so many wonderful books...
For me, her essential readings are:
Codependent No More
Beyond Codependency
The Language of Letting Go
The Codependent's Guide To The Twelve Steps
I also have - Choices ...Taking Control OF Your Life And Making It Matter.....one of my favorites
as well as - Playing By Heart.....Taking Care OF Yourself No Matter What
and lastly - The Lessons OF Love - Rediscovering Our Passion For Life When It All Seems Too Hard To Take - one of her earlier books
She has written so many more....
oh and she recently released her new rewrite of Codependent No More...
Kendra, her website is at HOME and you can find a list of all her books there....hugs
For me, her essential readings are:
Codependent No More
Beyond Codependency
The Language of Letting Go
The Codependent's Guide To The Twelve Steps
I also have - Choices ...Taking Control OF Your Life And Making It Matter.....one of my favorites
as well as - Playing By Heart.....Taking Care OF Yourself No Matter What
and lastly - The Lessons OF Love - Rediscovering Our Passion For Life When It All Seems Too Hard To Take - one of her earlier books
She has written so many more....
oh and she recently released her new rewrite of Codependent No More...
Kendra, her website is at HOME and you can find a list of all her books there....hugs
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
April 22
Coping With Stress
Inevitably, there are times of stress in our lives, no matter how long we've been in recovery.
Sometimes, the stress is outside or around us. We're feeling balanced, but our circumstances are stressful. Sometimes, the stress is within: we feel out of balance.
When the stress is external and internal, we experience our most difficult times.
During stressful times , we can only rely more heavily on our support systems. Our friends and groups can help us feel more balanced and peaceful in spite of our stressful conditions.
Affirming that the events taking place are a temporarily uncomfortable part of a good, solid plan can help. We can assure ourselves that we will get through. We won't be destroyed. We won't crumble or go under.
It helps to go back to the basics - to focus on detachment, dealing with feelings, and taking life one day at a time.
Our most important focus during times of stress is taking care of ourselves. We are better able to cope with the most irregular circumstances, we are better able to be there for others, if we are taking care of ourselves. We can ask ourselves regularly: what do we need to do to take care of ourselves? What might help us feel better or more comfortable?
Self-care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. Bur taking care of ourselves always works.
Today, I will remember that there is no situation that can't be benefited by taking care of myself.
April 22
Coping With Stress
Inevitably, there are times of stress in our lives, no matter how long we've been in recovery.
Sometimes, the stress is outside or around us. We're feeling balanced, but our circumstances are stressful. Sometimes, the stress is within: we feel out of balance.
When the stress is external and internal, we experience our most difficult times.
During stressful times , we can only rely more heavily on our support systems. Our friends and groups can help us feel more balanced and peaceful in spite of our stressful conditions.
Affirming that the events taking place are a temporarily uncomfortable part of a good, solid plan can help. We can assure ourselves that we will get through. We won't be destroyed. We won't crumble or go under.
It helps to go back to the basics - to focus on detachment, dealing with feelings, and taking life one day at a time.
Our most important focus during times of stress is taking care of ourselves. We are better able to cope with the most irregular circumstances, we are better able to be there for others, if we are taking care of ourselves. We can ask ourselves regularly: what do we need to do to take care of ourselves? What might help us feel better or more comfortable?
Self-care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. Bur taking care of ourselves always works.
Today, I will remember that there is no situation that can't be benefited by taking care of myself.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
It helps to go back to the basics - to focus on detachment, dealing with feelings, and taking life one day at a time.
Self-care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. But taking care of ourselves always works.
*It doesn't matter how much recovery I have under my belt; I never know when life will require me to go back to Step one yet again..
I love knowing that going back to the basics will always allow me to regain my peace and equilbirium.
Self-care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. But taking care of ourselves always works.
*It doesn't matter how much recovery I have under my belt; I never know when life will require me to go back to Step one yet again..
I love knowing that going back to the basics will always allow me to regain my peace and equilbirium.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Extreme stress is often one of my downfalls. Instead of dealing with it I will just quit whatever I think is causing it. This has including school.... God willing, I will be back in school this fall and I need to come up with a plan for dealing with the stress and fear that my classes often bring up in me.......
I have a confession to make.... I had insecure thoughts about my bf's ex today. They were just out of nowhere. I was able to realize that this was in my own head since nothing has really happened lately to trigger those feelings. Anyway..... She goes to a chatroom I used to go to every morning. I don't really go there much anymore since she started coming in and blasting her ex, my now bf in the room... She knew who I am in the room. She likes to play games like that.... Well I decided to pop in the room today... Ok, I wanted to cause some discomfort for her.... and say things that OMG I just wanna say and have never said.... I was a good girl and just talked about the fact my nails were wet.... simple small talk... She went on and gave me advice on nails and the fact her nails were long and wonderful... She plays games sideways using her son and so forth. However, I wanted to bate her and then shoot straight from the hip and let everyone in the room get a real look at the games and lies she does. So, in fact I wanted to bring myself down to her level and level her out....
In My heart I knew this would just add gas to a small flame and would end up causing me a lot of pain.... But OMG, how I would love to just give her a peace of my mind...
What do you all do when your mind just makes stuff up and affects your emotions?
I have a confession to make.... I had insecure thoughts about my bf's ex today. They were just out of nowhere. I was able to realize that this was in my own head since nothing has really happened lately to trigger those feelings. Anyway..... She goes to a chatroom I used to go to every morning. I don't really go there much anymore since she started coming in and blasting her ex, my now bf in the room... She knew who I am in the room. She likes to play games like that.... Well I decided to pop in the room today... Ok, I wanted to cause some discomfort for her.... and say things that OMG I just wanna say and have never said.... I was a good girl and just talked about the fact my nails were wet.... simple small talk... She went on and gave me advice on nails and the fact her nails were long and wonderful... She plays games sideways using her son and so forth. However, I wanted to bate her and then shoot straight from the hip and let everyone in the room get a real look at the games and lies she does. So, in fact I wanted to bring myself down to her level and level her out....
In My heart I knew this would just add gas to a small flame and would end up causing me a lot of pain.... But OMG, how I would love to just give her a peace of my mind...
What do you all do when your mind just makes stuff up and affects your emotions?
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Kendra, I really appreciate your honesty...and I could relate to so much of what you shared
I have struggled with anxiety for years and when I find myself struggling over something or someone whether it is my issue or theirs, the work is the same...I try to keep the focus on me and work through my feelings honestly....
I journal, do self talk, meditate, or talk it over with a friend or in therapy if necessary...and detachment, detachment.....where necessary.
I have struggled with anxiety for years and when I find myself struggling over something or someone whether it is my issue or theirs, the work is the same...I try to keep the focus on me and work through my feelings honestly....
I journal, do self talk, meditate, or talk it over with a friend or in therapy if necessary...and detachment, detachment.....where necessary.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Kendra 
First..
Codepedency No More
Beyond Codendency
Excellent starter books..by Melody.
I can relate to what you are going through..I went through it..for 17 years with the
last two relationships, both toxic. And when I got drunk..I let loose.
It got real ugly.
Finally..in sobriety..I had to leave the last one. I will never put myself in that situation
again. Because I know my own pattern..in order to escape the pain, I create more
pain. I don't know what a healthy relationship even "looks like."
I am single now..and observe other people a lot. I watch the way a good husband
treats his wife..such as my sponsor's treats her. Such respect and affection.
I want that.
For you..try to detach..as Grateful said. Detach, in love.
And the books are fantastic. I wish I had kept them and read them more than once.
I wish the best for you, K!
First..
Codepedency No More
Beyond Codendency
Excellent starter books..by Melody.
I can relate to what you are going through..I went through it..for 17 years with the
last two relationships, both toxic. And when I got drunk..I let loose.
It got real ugly.
Finally..in sobriety..I had to leave the last one. I will never put myself in that situation
again. Because I know my own pattern..in order to escape the pain, I create more
pain. I don't know what a healthy relationship even "looks like."
I am single now..and observe other people a lot. I watch the way a good husband
treats his wife..such as my sponsor's treats her. Such respect and affection.
I want that.
For you..try to detach..as Grateful said. Detach, in love.
And the books are fantastic. I wish I had kept them and read them more than once.
I wish the best for you, K!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
New to this
I have just recently come to the realization that I am a Co-Dependant parent with my son.
He was a star at everything right through his senior year...3 sport varsity athete...valedictorian..,and an appointment to the Air force academy. He didn't drink, went to church, and was the all american boy. However...I ran interference for him on everything. I cleaned his room, I got extra credit for him, I ran to school on the weekend to get his books if he forgot them, I asked for favors for letters of recommendation for him....basically he went along for the ride. I thought I was helping him...giving him down time by taking on a lot of the busy work myself. But I am devasted to find out that I handicapped him by not letting him make mistakes...and learn...on his own.
He ran into several setbacks this last year...four major injuries...so he had to delay entry into the academy for a year...but at least he got reappointed...the only thing he had to do was keep his grades at a 2.0 and keep his nose clean.
WEll...my straight A student got Bs, Cs, and Ds...and got caught smoking pot.
He threw away 400 thousdand dollars in scholarships and may now have a record...and a horrible GPA.
I am so devasted and I am lost as to what to do....I am nearing depression.
Help?
He was a star at everything right through his senior year...3 sport varsity athete...valedictorian..,and an appointment to the Air force academy. He didn't drink, went to church, and was the all american boy. However...I ran interference for him on everything. I cleaned his room, I got extra credit for him, I ran to school on the weekend to get his books if he forgot them, I asked for favors for letters of recommendation for him....basically he went along for the ride. I thought I was helping him...giving him down time by taking on a lot of the busy work myself. But I am devasted to find out that I handicapped him by not letting him make mistakes...and learn...on his own.
He ran into several setbacks this last year...four major injuries...so he had to delay entry into the academy for a year...but at least he got reappointed...the only thing he had to do was keep his grades at a 2.0 and keep his nose clean.
WEll...my straight A student got Bs, Cs, and Ds...and got caught smoking pot.
He threw away 400 thousdand dollars in scholarships and may now have a record...and a horrible GPA.
I am so devasted and I am lost as to what to do....I am nearing depression.
Help?
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Kendra, I was on my way out the door earlier but just wanted to add that I love that you are so candid and aware of what you would like to do, while at the same time knowing the consequences and choosing not too...that is huge...
I have been a codie all my life, but I didn't know it.
I eventually discovered, through a prolonged life crisis, that I was. I declared.. in true codie fashion.."I can fix that"
I still have anxiety from time to time, and my PTSD can make my life challenging but I have learned to detach..
Detachment has been a priceless tool for me and the most important one in my toolbox..I learned to let go of people I loved, people I liked, and those I don't particularly care for. I learned by detaching, to separate my process from everyone else's.. and like IO says, detach with Love....
.... I get a codie thump on the head if I am not paying attention to my codie stuff, and then its back to the toolbox and Step one for a tweaking
...that is huge...I have been a codie all my life, but I didn't know it.
I eventually discovered, through a prolonged life crisis, that I was. I declared.. in true codie fashion.."I can fix that"
I still have anxiety from time to time, and my PTSD can make my life challenging but I have learned to detach..
Detachment has been a priceless tool for me and the most important one in my toolbox..I learned to let go of people I loved, people I liked, and those I don't particularly care for. I learned by detaching, to separate my process from everyone else's.. and like IO says, detach with Love....
.... I get a codie thump on the head if I am not paying attention to my codie stuff, and then its back to the toolbox and Step one for a tweaking
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
BigDreams, Welcome to SR and our thread!
boy, do I hear you on this...
I am sorry that your son is struggling..it is hard for us to see the dreams we have for them die...
I am a single parent and I ran interference for my daughter far too much when she was growing up..she is a childhood cancer survivor....and she has struggled because of it..
many years later, I came face to face with the reason why...and that was tough to see...but the good news is, I was able to turn things around and undo some of the damage, by doing the codie work, healing my self and in turn setting an example that has had an impact on her...and she is now healing her life...
I had to learn to live in today and learn to do things differently and move forward...we cannot change the past...I had to let it go...
BigDreams I am glad you are here with us
boy, do I hear you on this...
I am sorry that your son is struggling..it is hard for us to see the dreams we have for them die...
I am a single parent and I ran interference for my daughter far too much when she was growing up..she is a childhood cancer survivor....and she has struggled because of it..
many years later, I came face to face with the reason why...and that was tough to see...but the good news is, I was able to turn things around and undo some of the damage, by doing the codie work, healing my self and in turn setting an example that has had an impact on her...and she is now healing her life...
I had to learn to live in today and learn to do things differently and move forward...we cannot change the past...I had to let it go...
BigDreams I am glad you are here with us
Last edited by grateful2b; 04-22-2009 at 12:15 PM.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Thanks for the feedback Grateful and IO. I heard something funny about detaching with love in my ACoA meeting last night. One lady said she knew how to detach with F You but had no clue about the love one. Another person shared that when they need to detach the say to themselves.... bless you and help me..... I thought that was helpful.... This detachment stuff is really hard for me.... I'm just starting to come to terms with my CoDie stuff even tho ppl had shared with me this personal pearl with me every time another one of my unhealthy relationships came to a end. I just was never ready to hear it then....
Has anyone read the new codepency no more book? What is different in it then the first one??
Welcome BigDreams to SR and this thread... I'm also new to the Codie recovery and I have found this site and thread a life saver. I wish you all the best on your journey to recovery and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.....
You are amongst friends....
Be Well
:ghug3
Has anyone read the new codepency no more book? What is different in it then the first one??
Welcome BigDreams to SR and this thread... I'm also new to the Codie recovery and I have found this site and thread a life saver. I wish you all the best on your journey to recovery and I'm looking forward to getting to know you.....
You are amongst friends....
Be Well
:ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
10 Storm,
Thanks so much for asking.
My daughter is doing really well and hopefully the little guy will make his appearance in the next two weeks. Things seem to be good right now, so we are cautiously optimistic. Right now, it looks like he may be able to breathe when he is born, which is hugely exciting. One thing I know for sure, is that this little guy has already taught me a lot about life and letting go.
Grateful,
You are an amazing role model for your daughter, and for all of us who are struggling with codependency issues. Thank you for generously sharing with us.
Kendra,
You're darn right, detaching is hard. It feels 'wrong' at first, and we have to get over that. Each of us is on our own path, our own journey.
Thanks so much for asking.
My daughter is doing really well and hopefully the little guy will make his appearance in the next two weeks. Things seem to be good right now, so we are cautiously optimistic. Right now, it looks like he may be able to breathe when he is born, which is hugely exciting. One thing I know for sure, is that this little guy has already taught me a lot about life and letting go.
Grateful,
You are an amazing role model for your daughter, and for all of us who are struggling with codependency issues. Thank you for generously sharing with us.
Kendra,
You're darn right, detaching is hard. It feels 'wrong' at first, and we have to get over that. Each of us is on our own path, our own journey.
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