grateful2b

..lol...I built my codie career on relationships with men....yikes...
it wasn't until my daughters cancer and later on her battle with addictions that the brutal truth of my codieness came screaming to the surface finally....I had no clue up until then...and I am grateful to her for that...
and I have had to deal with the impact that my codie addiction has had on her throughout her life...and in turn.....forgive myself

Live

I am grateful to each of you and this thread. I feel like being here is going to have a great and wonderful influence and impact in my life. I have also just begun counseling, so with these two resources I hope that I can unlearn my self-defeating, repetitive habits. Getting depressed is NOT a solution!
Today I will think about deadlines. I have set a deadline for today to not give into totally depression behaviors. I phoned to check in with mom, no answer, that worries me...so I left a message for sis. (my phone was dead yesterday...my fault).
I am going to work on cleaning up my room, that will feel good in more ways than one.
And I want to give myself credit for doing a good job sticking to my healthier eating plan. And I am going to get really really clear with the guy next door that when I say I am only interested in friends that is non-negotiable. I am going to make notes for my counseling session Wednesday. Those are all simple and easy things...but that is where
I am at.

grateful2b

I have BP2 and PTSD so I totally understand the truth and importance of these two statements!
((Live)), I pray that everything is okay with your mom...keep us posted...

grateful2b

...should have read: "it wasn't until twenty years later with my daughters cancer and later on ..."

Anna

I think this thread is amazing!

I know we are all learning a lot. Live, setting goals and deadlines for yourself is a great idea. I love to make a list, and then feel satisfied as I cross off each item. You're doing really well!

Hugs to everyone!

SerenityGirl

((Codie)) What you said gave me a twinge of guilt. I have wondered for years if I did the right thing getting together with my now husband. I was separated from my first husband an alcoholic, I had my four children, met now husband in the AA program, at the time I was working my own program in AA and very confused I guess you could say. I was told not to get involved with anyone till I was sober a year, did I listen, NOOO. Anyway, my focus was on him, instead of my own recovery, also I put him first ahead of my children, just so I wouldn't be alone. I didn't neglect my children, but I didn't put their welfare first because he was still drinking off and on and I put my kids through all that, after all we went through with their father. I have had alot of guilt over the years because of that, but I have forgiven myself, staying stuck feeling guilty just made things worse. Over the years I have struggled with being in the middle between my children and my husband. My husband does get along with the children for the most part now, but a couple of my kids still resent him. So I wonder sometimes if things would have been better if I would have raised the kids on my own. I have also been told that I am lucky to find someone who wanted to marry me when I had four kids, so whose to know...sorry I didn't expect this to be so long...I just wanted Codie to know I understand how she feels....

IO Storm

I caught up on the thread..but now my mom (84) is talking..and I can't concentrate

on individual hugs or much else. It happens..sometimes.

Just know that I care about all of you.

I'm okay. A tad down..but nothing major.

I'll come back when I have some quiet time.

:ghug2:

grateful2b

:ghug3

Gypsy Feet

the thing is, the guilt and second guessing come which ever way you roll! I told my daughter from the moment she was born that she was my whole life, and my reason for living. It was true at the time, she lifted me out of a bad place. When I met my husband I made it very clear to him that it was my baby and I against the world, but he could come along for the ride as a less than equal participant.

Today I am living my life for me, I have too. I got so darn lost along the way, its all I can do to find my own way now=) Thank you again for your shares, and for today's reading WOW! I have (because of past readings on this thread) given myself permission not to rush any decisions with my SO. My deadline is roughly 6 months, we will see how I feel then. We are both putzing along rather content with our strange living arrangement, and when I practice praying I ask for clarity to come when it's suppose to.

hugs to you all, happy monday

CoDieNOmore

Thanks for the great replies. SG, thanks for your kind words. It's always very healing to know that someone else has been there done that. My son is 21 now with children of his own. I feel like my grandchildren are my 2nd chance to get it right....

Anna

Uglyeyes,

I love what you said about giving yourself permission to not rush into a decision. I try to do the same thing. I let myself know that it's okay if I don't have the answer today, right at this moment.

10 Storm,

I hope you feel better!

grateful2b

Lisa, that is a very good point
Kendra, what you have brought to the thread has been very helpful to me...
SG, you never need be concerned about writing too much on this thread..
((Kendra and SG)), I empathize with you both...my situation is the flip side of yours
I am a single parent and without going into it, my codieness resulted in my daughter growing up without a father...
and I felt guilty for a long time until I learned to forgive myself and accept that God knew better than I...and it turns out, he did

Seren

Ugh....deadlines and decisions....my problems arise when I still can't make a decision even after I have set deadline after deadline! What if I make the wrong decision?!! What if I lose out on something great by choosing something else?!!

I do have some good news to share!!!! I'm going to be a step Grandmother!!! About one month after my wedding in October, my future step-daughter and her husband are going to have their first child!!!! They were at the doctor's office yesterday and were able to hear the heartbeat!!! Yay!

Hugs to all, HG

SerenityGirl

Congratulations ((HG)) a Step Grandmother!!

(((Storm)))

I am going to be all by myself for a couple of weeks, except for Sammy and Angel, my dog and kitty. My husband has gone to his sister's husbands funeral, he was 83, and has had a lengthly illness. My husband will be staying to visit with other family for a while. I am actually going to enjoy my time alone, it will be like a retreat for me.

grateful2b

HG..what wonderfully exciting time!! your wedding followed by the birth of your stepchild...you are truly blessed and I am thrilled for you!

SG... a retreat sounds wonderful!

grateful2b

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

April 21

Waiting

Wait. If the time is not right, the way is not clear, the answer or decision not consistent, wait.

We may feel a sense of urgency. We may want to resolve the issue by doing something - anything now, but that action is not in our best interest.

Living with confusion or unsolved problems is difficult. It is easier to resolve things. But making a decision too soon, doing something before its time, means we may have to go back and redo it.

If the time is not right, wait. If the way is not clear, do not plunge forward. If the answer or decision feels muddy, wait.

In this new way of life, there is a Guiding Force. We do not ever have to move too soon or move out of harmony. Waiting is an action - a positive, forceful action.


Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent, ill-timed decision.

We do not have to pressure ourselves by insisting that we do or know something before its time. When it is time, we will know. We will move into that time naturally and harmoniously. We will have peace and consistency. We will feel empowered in a way we do not feel today.

Deal with the panic, the urgency, the fear; do not let them control or dictate decisions.

Waiting isn't easy. It isn't fun. But waiting is often necessary to get what we want. It is not deadtime; it is not downtime. The answer will come. The power will come. The time will come. And it will be right.

Today, I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself. I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until the time is right. God, help me to let go of my fear, urgency, and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right. Help me learn timing.

IO Storm

Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent, ill-timed decision.


Yes!

I believe and have experienced this. And it is difficult to not fall back into my old

pattern of beating myself up for not rushing around half cocked (lol) just for the sake of

doing "something." I thought I was "lazy" if I didn't act..and act quickly.

Then came the guilt..and it is pretty hard to love yourself and practice self care

living in this manner.

It is then that I get into all kinds of serious emotinal trouble.

In the recent past..if I wasn't fixing something, I was yakking it up..fixing things with

my mouth, and the results were not what I wanted. Ever.

I usually had to regroup..and many times, make amends as my actions were based

on self. Today..I've slowed that train down. And I remember I am on for the ride, I

am not the Conductor.

Great reading today, Grateful!

Freedom1990

I needed that reading today.

I made a decision today and called the mental health center where I go to counseling at. I've been back in counseling since late 2007 when my depression hit hard again.

I like my counselor-I've had him off and on over the years and he's a decent guy.

However, he recently got promoted, which his new duties take up a great deal of his time. He's not taking new clients, but still seeing old ones such as me.

However, once a month is not cutting it for me right now, and that's as often as he can see me. I'm starting with a new female counselor on the 30th of this month, and she should be able to see me weekly.

My inner critic keeps popping up and beating me to death, and I'm tired of it. I need to work through that.

I was denied an incomplete in another class. This particular instructor works full-time overseeing a medical coding department at a medical center, plus teaching long-distance education classes.

She doesn't want to do the 'extra' paperwork for an incomplete.

I have two chapters left, and I'll get both done tomorrow because at this point I just need to have it done. I told her I was too exhausted physically and mentally to contest her decision, but I felt her email was a clear communication that it was an inconvenience for her to do the paperwork, and that my current needs weren't taken into consideration. I left it at that. It was the best that I could do.

grateful2b

oh ((Dev))..shoot, I am sorry about the other incomplete....but I love your self-care around it..

Live

DeVon.....dang! Sorry!

I read a book yesterday about the wisdom of waiting as a rational decision! Even when our feeling are begging us to do elsewise!
I can hope that someday I can experience the waiting peacefully!

IT is hard to discern! False waiting is often a symptom of my being stuck in depression.

Today I am very,very tired of the nightmares that have been torturing me.
Maybe it is time to change my sleep med tomorrow?

I have been dreaming about my son along with the devastation of divorce.