Codependency and Beyond Part 3
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
G2B you are in my thoughts honey. I learned so much going through the end process with my Grand father, and when it is all over you will have time to reflect and learn and appreciate the life your mom had as I am sure you did with your dad, but this part is so hard.
Fall~ Your relationship sounds so destructive and stressful, I hope you find your way to a more peaceful, loving path soon.
Fall~ Your relationship sounds so destructive and stressful, I hope you find your way to a more peaceful, loving path soon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Grateful))) What you were saying about acceptance of what is (your health) and also realizing it really is ok when you can't, is huge..it must give you a great sense of relief.
You have been so helpful and caring to everyone here, now you need support to get through this difficult time.
You have been so helpful and caring to everyone here, now you need support to get through this difficult time.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Thank you Lisa
(((SG))), I am sorry for your loss....
It is a bit of a relief to let go of that expectation of myself, and with this latest episode with my PTSD, I was saying to my sister today, that when I am in it, my anxiety and fear and feelings of isolation really color my thinking and feelings and so all I can do is batten down the hatches until it passes..
(((SG))), I am sorry for your loss....
It is a bit of a relief to let go of that expectation of myself, and with this latest episode with my PTSD, I was saying to my sister today, that when I am in it, my anxiety and fear and feelings of isolation really color my thinking and feelings and so all I can do is batten down the hatches until it passes..
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,520
Grateful,
You have had so much going on in your life. I think it's good that you are kind of 'stopping' and taking care. I think detaching is SO hard to do, especially when you are in physical contact and especially in the case of your daughter. It seems like there are some bumps in the road with those relationships at the moment, but you will soon regain your equilibrium.
It must be so hard to know that you are not able to see your mother at this point in her life. Is it possible for you travel to where she is? But, then again, that would definitely add to the stress of your situation. And, of course, you know and your mother knows the bond between the two of you, so you can be with her in spirit.
I have been struggling the last couple of days. It's along the lines of what you were talking about Grateful, about the conditions of our bodies and minds. There is extra stress in my life as my daughter is in the last two months of a scary pregnancy and we are all nervous about what will happen at the birth. It's going to be frightening. As my son-in-law says, despite the large number of doctors and nurses in the room, you will be able to hear a pin drop, until the little guy takes his first breath, if he can. I have remained optimistic throughout, but I am finding my anxiety is increasing as the date comes nearer. And, I have my annual checkup in a few weeks and I am a basket-case at that time. So, it makes it much harder to deal with daily stuff that goes on. Thanks for letting me get this out, guys!
You have had so much going on in your life. I think it's good that you are kind of 'stopping' and taking care. I think detaching is SO hard to do, especially when you are in physical contact and especially in the case of your daughter. It seems like there are some bumps in the road with those relationships at the moment, but you will soon regain your equilibrium.
It must be so hard to know that you are not able to see your mother at this point in her life. Is it possible for you travel to where she is? But, then again, that would definitely add to the stress of your situation. And, of course, you know and your mother knows the bond between the two of you, so you can be with her in spirit.
I have been struggling the last couple of days. It's along the lines of what you were talking about Grateful, about the conditions of our bodies and minds. There is extra stress in my life as my daughter is in the last two months of a scary pregnancy and we are all nervous about what will happen at the birth. It's going to be frightening. As my son-in-law says, despite the large number of doctors and nurses in the room, you will be able to hear a pin drop, until the little guy takes his first breath, if he can. I have remained optimistic throughout, but I am finding my anxiety is increasing as the date comes nearer. And, I have my annual checkup in a few weeks and I am a basket-case at that time. So, it makes it much harder to deal with daily stuff that goes on. Thanks for letting me get this out, guys!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Thank you, Anna, as I was saying to my sister today...I will see what unfolds in the way of an opportunity presenting itself for me to travel to where she is...if it is meant to be , it will be...
when all of this started, I was at peace with the reality that I might not see her again, as we have a bond that is beyond that of mother/daughter...
I think just the stress of everything, has me feeling the loss more acutely and when I am back to myself, my peace will return...
(((Anna))) you and your family and the wee one are in my prayers ...I can't imagine how hard this is..the not knowing and the fear of the worst outcome....and all we can do is try and stay in the present.......
prayers that your check up will give you a clean bill of health...
when all of this started, I was at peace with the reality that I might not see her again, as we have a bond that is beyond that of mother/daughter...
I think just the stress of everything, has me feeling the loss more acutely and when I am back to myself, my peace will return...
(((Anna))) you and your family and the wee one are in my prayers ...I can't imagine how hard this is..the not knowing and the fear of the worst outcome....and all we can do is try and stay in the present.......
prayers that your check up will give you a clean bill of health...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Anna))) and (((Grateful)))
Lots and lots of hugs, prayers and love coming your way. I am on my way to work, and you both just helped me put this stuff into perspective. Yes, it stresses me out a bit, but it's just a job. I've gotten through so many worse things...death of my mom, Brit's mom, dad's cancer 20 years ago...this is a piece of cake. I know that, no matter what is going on in our lives, it's important to us, but today I needed the reminder that "this isn't life or death, Amy, it's just a job!!!" Thank you!!!
I'm so glad we all have each other to bounce off our thoughts, worries, and joys. I never come here, that I don't get exactly what I need to hear.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Lots and lots of hugs, prayers and love coming your way. I am on my way to work, and you both just helped me put this stuff into perspective. Yes, it stresses me out a bit, but it's just a job. I've gotten through so many worse things...death of my mom, Brit's mom, dad's cancer 20 years ago...this is a piece of cake. I know that, no matter what is going on in our lives, it's important to us, but today I needed the reminder that "this isn't life or death, Amy, it's just a job!!!" Thank you!!!
I'm so glad we all have each other to bounce off our thoughts, worries, and joys. I never come here, that I don't get exactly what I need to hear.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Good point Anna. If it affects us on a daily basis..it is important. To us.
Amy)) You have been through a lot. But job stress is tough too.
Each one of us has our own special and unique heartaches, and challenges.
It is just where we are and what is happening in life at the moment..
Grateful))) I am sorry about your mama. I know with my BP issues the mind can
take off running and is difficult to bring under control at times, even when I'm
fairly stable. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
Anna..
I didn't know about your daughter and grandbaby..good grief. I will pray,
dear Anna.
And Fall)))
Only you will know when and if you have had enough, or if you can continue the way
things are. I do see similarities. He did PM people here posing as me, also.
And some other things. You have not had the violence. But I feel for you so very much.
I empathize with your posts.. I pray you find your path, and your peace.
I didn't mean to leave a friend out here.
I'm tired..my sis and I went to a neat air show. I am sun burnt and a really good sort
of tired.
:ghug2:
Amy)) You have been through a lot. But job stress is tough too.
Each one of us has our own special and unique heartaches, and challenges.
It is just where we are and what is happening in life at the moment..
Grateful))) I am sorry about your mama. I know with my BP issues the mind can
take off running and is difficult to bring under control at times, even when I'm
fairly stable. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
Anna..
I didn't know about your daughter and grandbaby..good grief. I will pray,
dear Anna.
And Fall)))
Only you will know when and if you have had enough, or if you can continue the way
things are. I do see similarities. He did PM people here posing as me, also.
And some other things. You have not had the violence. But I feel for you so very much.
I empathize with your posts.. I pray you find your path, and your peace.
I didn't mean to leave a friend out here.
I'm tired..my sis and I went to a neat air show. I am sun burnt and a really good sort
of tired.
:ghug2:
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Well, I still have a ways to go in not letting work "get" to me. The good news is, boss was there when I got there, and we were joking and laughing, as if nothing had happened, so I must not be in trouble?!
It was just one of those nights..tips were terrible for everyone, one of the newer servers is a smart-a$$, and $50 came up missing from the cash register. I'm grateful that my managers have always given me access to the registers and never, once, had the thought that I would take money.
I had sent dad an e-mail, shortly before my 2-year b'day. I know it's weird to send someone an e-mail when you live in the same house. However, we both are better at communicating our most heartfelt thoughts in writing, and he is horrible about keeping up with papers, but great at saving e-mails.
I just told him how much I loved and appreciated him. I also told him that I knew we had butted heads about stepmom, and that I was really trying to stay out of the whole situation, but that it was hard for me, as I saw red flags (due to my history) and sometimes I slipped. I also told him that I knew I over-reacted to some things, since the robbery, due to the PTSD, but I was working on it with some friends, here at SR.
He told me yesterday, he had just found the e-mail and read it, and how much it meant to him. He had been feeling really, really "down in the dumps" and said it was just what he needed to "hear". My first thought was what we'd been talking about here...timing. I told him that, though I'd sent the e-mail over a week ago, he'd obviously read it just when he needed to.
I am about to go to sleep, and hope everyone has a good day.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It was just one of those nights..tips were terrible for everyone, one of the newer servers is a smart-a$$, and $50 came up missing from the cash register. I'm grateful that my managers have always given me access to the registers and never, once, had the thought that I would take money.
I had sent dad an e-mail, shortly before my 2-year b'day. I know it's weird to send someone an e-mail when you live in the same house. However, we both are better at communicating our most heartfelt thoughts in writing, and he is horrible about keeping up with papers, but great at saving e-mails.
I just told him how much I loved and appreciated him. I also told him that I knew we had butted heads about stepmom, and that I was really trying to stay out of the whole situation, but that it was hard for me, as I saw red flags (due to my history) and sometimes I slipped. I also told him that I knew I over-reacted to some things, since the robbery, due to the PTSD, but I was working on it with some friends, here at SR.
He told me yesterday, he had just found the e-mail and read it, and how much it meant to him. He had been feeling really, really "down in the dumps" and said it was just what he needed to "hear". My first thought was what we'd been talking about here...timing. I told him that, though I'd sent the e-mail over a week ago, he'd obviously read it just when he needed to.
I am about to go to sleep, and hope everyone has a good day.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Grateful, I hope that you are feeling a bit better today. I dated a man for a while who suffered from PTSD because of his service in Vietnam. I have seen it first hand and can only say that yes, battening down the hatches seems to be the way to go. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Miss Anna, I'm thrilled to learn of the coming little one! I hope that the remainder of the preganancy will be smooth and that the "birthday" will be joyous. Take care of yourself in the meantime! You need to be ready for extra hugs!!
IO, May the peace continue and the hearing go well! How do things look today?
Amy, I'm glad to hear that at least things have eased (with the management) a bit even though last night sounds like a bit of a let down. :ghug3
One of the aspects of co-dependency that I have been struggling with a lot lately is self-esteem. I wrote a funding proposal back in October and just learned on Friday that I was granted the 2 -year fellowship funding. I should be thrilled, right? All I keep thinking is: How can they give this to me? Don't they know how incompetent I truly am?!
I have a bit of work to do (OK.. alot of work) on myself yet..........
Hugs and prayers for you all! HG
Miss Anna, I'm thrilled to learn of the coming little one! I hope that the remainder of the preganancy will be smooth and that the "birthday" will be joyous. Take care of yourself in the meantime! You need to be ready for extra hugs!!
IO, May the peace continue and the hearing go well! How do things look today?
Amy, I'm glad to hear that at least things have eased (with the management) a bit even though last night sounds like a bit of a let down. :ghug3
One of the aspects of co-dependency that I have been struggling with a lot lately is self-esteem. I wrote a funding proposal back in October and just learned on Friday that I was granted the 2 -year fellowship funding. I should be thrilled, right? All I keep thinking is: How can they give this to me? Don't they know how incompetent I truly am?!
I have a bit of work to do (OK.. alot of work) on myself yet..........
Hugs and prayers for you all! HG
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,520
Amy, I am so glad things settled down for you at work.
Hydrogirl, I am so proud of you getting the fellowship funding. That is a huge accomplishment. Today, pat yourself on the back!
And, I am actually having two grandchildren this year!! The blessings of recovery at their very best. My daughter's baby is due May 5th. She lives near me. My son's baby is due in September. They live on the west coast. So, babies everywhere!!! How lucky am I!
Hydrogirl's post reminded me of this poem that I absolutely love:
Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Derek Walcott
Hydrogirl, I am so proud of you getting the fellowship funding. That is a huge accomplishment. Today, pat yourself on the back!
And, I am actually having two grandchildren this year!! The blessings of recovery at their very best. My daughter's baby is due May 5th. She lives near me. My son's baby is due in September. They live on the west coast. So, babies everywhere!!! How lucky am I!
Hydrogirl's post reminded me of this poem that I absolutely love:
Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Derek Walcott
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by 51anna 
Sit. Feast on your life.
Each of us have a life imbued with beauty to reflect on. To indulge in, and allow that reminder of what precious beauty there has been and in fact is in our life to fuel us, to sustain us, to motivate us to proceed on.
I notice that, despite the difficulties each of us struggle with here, we all seem to know well the importance of seeing the bright side, and even if we can't see it at the moment, we all know it's there, waiting to be recognized. And if we can't see it in ourselves we can see it in another, reminding us that it is present in life. And that's beautiful.
Today I am reminded of the precious love of family and those close and dear to us. I look forward to spending a couple hours this early spring-like day with my family, we will cook together, feast together, and play games together for the afternoon. I'm so fortuante to have the family I do, and I do not take them for granted, for I know they are not a given.
Good reading from you all here today. Wishing you all peace, strength, and happiness this day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Western N.Y.
Posts: 595
Hydrogirl,, I sometimes follow this thread due to some of my ACOA issues that had to be separated from my BPII. One of my major issues was low self esteem which in my case I covered with alcohol and drugs. Once that false courage was removed it came out full force and never facing it I carried it well into my sobority.
The point is the majority of my low self esteem was rooted in the fear of failure from not being good enough that was imprinted into my subconscious from a very young age. I had
to understand, this is what is important [ I was not born with low self esteem, but was taught it.] It was painful work that had to be done changing those beliefs before I could remove my fear of trying something difficult. HG It is so worth the effort to find the cause.
I am now able to have some success trying something new and challenging, which is just amazing to me. My only problem is criticizing myself for all the years I wasted by not facing my fear sooner. In many dysfunctional family's low self esteem is learned behavior.
The point is the majority of my low self esteem was rooted in the fear of failure from not being good enough that was imprinted into my subconscious from a very young age. I had
to understand, this is what is important [ I was not born with low self esteem, but was taught it.] It was painful work that had to be done changing those beliefs before I could remove my fear of trying something difficult. HG It is so worth the effort to find the cause.
I am now able to have some success trying something new and challenging, which is just amazing to me. My only problem is criticizing myself for all the years I wasted by not facing my fear sooner. In many dysfunctional family's low self esteem is learned behavior.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 15
Removing The Victim
"Don't others see how much I'm hurting?" "Can't they see I need help?" "Don't they care?"
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us , it's because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not yet reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for an awareness in another that we have not yet had.
It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
March 15
Removing The Victim
"Don't others see how much I'm hurting?" "Can't they see I need help?" "Don't they care?"
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us , it's because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not yet reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for an awareness in another that we have not yet had.
It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
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