Codependency and Beyond Part 3
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Timing.....wow, G2B, nice and, dare I say, timely topic! My fiance and I are reeling just a bit from the unexpected intrusion of the financial shenanigans of his AS.
My fiance and his son are "Sr" and "Jr", so there is concern that his son has done something using his name and credit based on items being forwarded to his duplex that are clearly his son's but do not have the "Jr" designation. He is looking into his credit reports and so on, so we should know something soon. Maybe not entirely unexpected, but it still felt as though it came from out of nowhere!
But, we are trying to remain calm and find out exactly what is going on before reacting!
Hugs to all! HG
My fiance and his son are "Sr" and "Jr", so there is concern that his son has done something using his name and credit based on items being forwarded to his duplex that are clearly his son's but do not have the "Jr" designation. He is looking into his credit reports and so on, so we should know something soon. Maybe not entirely unexpected, but it still felt as though it came from out of nowhere!
But, we are trying to remain calm and find out exactly what is going on before reacting!
Hugs to all! HG
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Originally Posted by grateful2b 
yes, ditto! on the venting...
((Dev)) hope you managed to escape the bug
((Dev)) hope you managed to escape the bug
:ghug2
HG, I am continually impressed by how you and your partner support one another in doing the next right thing, as you deal with the challenges relating to his son...
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Dev, excellent !...... I'm a little envious
hopefully , I will be right behind you...
I have been using dollar store reading glasses since breaking mine..lol.....can't wait to get a pair that I can properly see out of!
hopefully , I will be right behind you...
I have been using dollar store reading glasses since breaking mine..lol.....can't wait to get a pair that I can properly see out of!
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Location: BC Canada
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Hugs to you too,((Devon.)) Happy that you can see now with your new glasses.
((Grateful))((Amy)) sounds like your getting organized there. Glad your both having a great day...
((HG)) hope everything works out for you and your partner with his son.
Everything is peaceful in my life TODAY, thank goodness....
((Grateful))((Amy)) sounds like your getting organized there. Glad your both having a great day...
((HG)) hope everything works out for you and your partner with his son.
Everything is peaceful in my life TODAY, thank goodness....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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You are reading from Beyond Codependency..
In recovery,
we stop enduring life and begin to live it.
Instead of obsessively trying to control others, we learn to detach. Instead of allowing others to hurt and use us, we set boundaries. Instead of reacting, we learn to relax, and let things settle into place.
We replace tunnel vision with perspective. We forego worrying and denial, and learn constructive problem solving skills. We learn to feel and express feelings; we learn to value what we want and need; we stop punishing ourselves for other people's problems, nonsense, and insanity. We stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, and we stop expecting perfection from others.
We stop reacting to the powerfully dysfunctional systems so many of us have been affected by. We stop getting tangled up in craziness. We acquire the art of removing ourselves as victims.
We stop taking care of other people and we take care of ourselves. We learn to be good to ourselves, to have fun and enjoy life. We learn to feel good about what we've accomplished. We stop focusing on what's wrong and we notice what's right. We learn to function in relationships. We learn to love ourselves, so we can better love others.
In recovery,
we stop enduring life and begin to live it.
Instead of obsessively trying to control others, we learn to detach. Instead of allowing others to hurt and use us, we set boundaries. Instead of reacting, we learn to relax, and let things settle into place.
We replace tunnel vision with perspective. We forego worrying and denial, and learn constructive problem solving skills. We learn to feel and express feelings; we learn to value what we want and need; we stop punishing ourselves for other people's problems, nonsense, and insanity. We stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, and we stop expecting perfection from others.
We stop reacting to the powerfully dysfunctional systems so many of us have been affected by. We stop getting tangled up in craziness. We acquire the art of removing ourselves as victims.
We stop taking care of other people and we take care of ourselves. We learn to be good to ourselves, to have fun and enjoy life. We learn to feel good about what we've accomplished. We stop focusing on what's wrong and we notice what's right. We learn to function in relationships. We learn to love ourselves, so we can better love others.
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Grateful, those words 'In recovery, we stop enduring life and begin to live it' just brought tears to my eyes. I endured my life for so many years, with emotional and physical pain and it was so sad. I kept thinking that maybe somehow everything would become perfect and I could begin to live my life. Well, of course, everything is never perfect but I am living and loving my life. Thanks to recovery and you lovely ladies.
Amy, so glad that you got the paperwork straightened out. Sometimes I do a job I have been stressing out, and am so surprised that it was so easy to get out of the way. By the way, I had a butter-loving cat for a long time too! LOL.
DeVon, I hope you don't get the flu. Our area here has had a wave of flu the past month or so, as the weather changes. I'm so glad you can see again!
Hydrogirl, good for you for not reacting to the financial issue, at least not yet. My old self reacted first and thought second. That's just not good.
Serenitygirl, glad you're having a serene day!
I got a new dentist a year ago when I moved to this city and have only seen her for checkups. Even then, it's pretty clear that money-making is the goal of the office. Today I had to have work done and she was quite incompetent. So, once I finish up this work with her, I will begin to dentist-shop. This is something I would have had trouble with in the past because of guilt feelings or being unsure of myself. But, I am comfortable making this decision.
Amy, so glad that you got the paperwork straightened out. Sometimes I do a job I have been stressing out, and am so surprised that it was so easy to get out of the way. By the way, I had a butter-loving cat for a long time too! LOL.
DeVon, I hope you don't get the flu. Our area here has had a wave of flu the past month or so, as the weather changes. I'm so glad you can see again!
Hydrogirl, good for you for not reacting to the financial issue, at least not yet. My old self reacted first and thought second. That's just not good.
Serenitygirl, glad you're having a serene day!
I got a new dentist a year ago when I moved to this city and have only seen her for checkups. Even then, it's pretty clear that money-making is the goal of the office. Today I had to have work done and she was quite incompetent. So, once I finish up this work with her, I will begin to dentist-shop. This is something I would have had trouble with in the past because of guilt feelings or being unsure of myself. But, I am comfortable making this decision.
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Posts: 4,555
Anna , ..I am one of those people who were traumatized as a kid...yikes..I have been without a good one for a little bit..
I am in the process of looking for a dentist who is gentle and specializes in people like me ..got a ton of work needing to be done
I hope you find someone for you, Anna..
I am in the process of looking for a dentist who is gentle and specializes in people like me ..got a ton of work needing to be done
I hope you find someone for you, Anna..
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((Anna)) - In the "old days" I would have continued to go to someone incompetent, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings....sheez!!!
Well, I am more than halfway through with the stores for this month (merchandising work). My court fees are on their way!! I went by a Ford dealership, so decided to go ahead and get spare keys for my car, since I haven't had one since my keys were stolen by the robbers. I'd gotten some from Home Depot, but found out I had the kind that had to be "programmed".
Two keys and a headlight cost $196 Luckily, I had the money. I didn't get the other things done I was going to take care of, because it took an hour just to get the keys. At least now I don't have to worry about being stranded, somewhere, with no way to start my car.
It DOES feel good to get these couple of things done. The court fees is the last thing that was hanging over my head from the "crack days". I still have the felony thing to take care of, but I know, for a fact, that there is NO possibility of any warrants out on me, no tickets hanging over my head. Even with the felony, I have papers, signed by judge, that say I'm NOT a felon, so I feel like I'm finally putting a big part of my past behind me.
((HG)) - I think you and your fiance' are doing great. I was an idiot, and responded to a scam on the internet that I THOUGHT was my bank. I caught it, right away, closed my account and called the 3 credit reporting agencies. They put a fraud alert on my file, and NO ONE could access my report, or open any new lines of credit without contacting me, specifically...your fiance' may want to consider that. They do it, for free, for 90 days, and you can extend it, if you need to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Well, I am more than halfway through with the stores for this month (merchandising work). My court fees are on their way!!
I went by a Ford dealership, so decided to go ahead and get spare keys for my car, since I haven't had one since my keys were stolen by the robbers. I'd gotten some from Home Depot, but found out I had the kind that had to be "programmed".Two keys and a headlight cost $196
Luckily, I had the money. I didn't get the other things done I was going to take care of, because it took an hour just to get the keys. At least now I don't have to worry about being stranded, somewhere, with no way to start my car.It DOES feel good to get these couple of things done. The court fees is the last thing that was hanging over my head from the "crack days". I still have the felony thing to take care of, but I know, for a fact, that there is NO possibility of any warrants out on me, no tickets hanging over my head. Even with the felony, I have papers, signed by judge, that say I'm NOT a felon, so I feel like I'm finally putting a big part of my past behind me.
((HG)) - I think you and your fiance' are doing great. I was an idiot, and responded to a scam on the internet that I THOUGHT was my bank. I caught it, right away, closed my account and called the 3 credit reporting agencies. They put a fraud alert on my file, and NO ONE could access my report, or open any new lines of credit without contacting me, specifically...your fiance' may want to consider that. They do it, for free, for 90 days, and you can extend it, if you need to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Posts: 95
(((Grateful)))
despite all that's going on in your life you still make time to post for us such meaningful readings. Know they are graciously appreciated. Thinking of you as you tend to your mother.
Life...and the hard balls it throws us! That faux pas brought such a smile to my all too serious face tonight! Thanks.
I've not been able to write for a couple days and, oh my, there's so much to respond to! And it's gettting late and I must be up at 4am so I won't be able to respond as directly to what's been shared as I'd prefer. In summary I'll say to all that the support and approaches you all share to how you're choosing to deal with what life deals you is an inspiration. Even when we stumble and fall, that just shows we're still struggling. Still learning. It's all very Real.
Today's reading from Beyond Codependency hits dead on center with where my thinking is at right now, and so it's very good to read this reassurance that I'm on the right path. It's a learned path, not the one I would follow of my own accord, because I've not known of this path. This path of how to let go, let others deal with their own troubles, while I deal with my own.
I don't need to control, or worry about the paths others take or the choices others make. That's for them to determine. It's only mine to determine how I'll allow them and their decisions to affect me. So long as my boundaries are well defined, no-one can hurt me.
That's not to say I won't allow others to be close so they can't hurt me. on the contrary, I prefer to hold others close, and let them do what they will. But if I'm secure in myself, nothing they can do will hurt me. They can scorn me or insult me or belittle me or try to emotionally manipulate me, but if I'm secure in myself none of that can harm me. On the contrary, perhaps I can find in myself the compassion to see how what they're doing is harming themselves, how in their attempts to hurt me they're only serving a weakness in themselves, and doing harm in that.
There is some such serious insanity in some people close to me that I'm dealing with right now, from jealousy to hurt feelings to failed expectations, and a couple of these people have been downright mean in their attempts to make me feel bad about how I've let them down.
But it's not my fault they're feeling as they do, and certainly not my fault they're behaving so immaturely and rudely as they are. My initial reaction is to lash back, to throw a mud pie back in their face for what they've said or done to me. But NO! That's not right! I refrain. And you know what, in doing the right thing, in not reacting but instead allowing, in not taking on their reactions and instead trying to extend patience and tolerance and forgiveness, I feel much better about myself, and I give them opportunity to come back around to hopefully a calmer, more loving place. At least then they're not reacting to my bad reaction!
No more getting "tangled up in craziness."
I love this final paragraph from the reading:
We stop taking care of other people and we take care of ourselves. We learn to be good to ourselves, to have fun and enjoy life. We learn to feel good about what we've accomplished. We stop focusing on what's wrong and we notice what's right. We learn to function in relationships. We learn to love ourselves, so we can better love others.
With peace to you all, I bid you all good night!
despite all that's going on in your life you still make time to post for us such meaningful readings. Know they are graciously appreciated. Thinking of you as you tend to your mother.
Life...and the hard balls it throws us! That faux pas brought such a smile to my all too serious face tonight! Thanks.
I've not been able to write for a couple days and, oh my, there's so much to respond to! And it's gettting late and I must be up at 4am so I won't be able to respond as directly to what's been shared as I'd prefer. In summary I'll say to all that the support and approaches you all share to how you're choosing to deal with what life deals you is an inspiration. Even when we stumble and fall, that just shows we're still struggling. Still learning. It's all very Real.
Today's reading from Beyond Codependency hits dead on center with where my thinking is at right now, and so it's very good to read this reassurance that I'm on the right path. It's a learned path, not the one I would follow of my own accord, because I've not known of this path. This path of how to let go, let others deal with their own troubles, while I deal with my own.
I don't need to control, or worry about the paths others take or the choices others make. That's for them to determine. It's only mine to determine how I'll allow them and their decisions to affect me. So long as my boundaries are well defined, no-one can hurt me.
That's not to say I won't allow others to be close so they can't hurt me. on the contrary, I prefer to hold others close, and let them do what they will. But if I'm secure in myself, nothing they can do will hurt me. They can scorn me or insult me or belittle me or try to emotionally manipulate me, but if I'm secure in myself none of that can harm me. On the contrary, perhaps I can find in myself the compassion to see how what they're doing is harming themselves, how in their attempts to hurt me they're only serving a weakness in themselves, and doing harm in that.
There is some such serious insanity in some people close to me that I'm dealing with right now, from jealousy to hurt feelings to failed expectations, and a couple of these people have been downright mean in their attempts to make me feel bad about how I've let them down.
But it's not my fault they're feeling as they do, and certainly not my fault they're behaving so immaturely and rudely as they are. My initial reaction is to lash back, to throw a mud pie back in their face for what they've said or done to me. But NO! That's not right! I refrain. And you know what, in doing the right thing, in not reacting but instead allowing, in not taking on their reactions and instead trying to extend patience and tolerance and forgiveness, I feel much better about myself, and I give them opportunity to come back around to hopefully a calmer, more loving place. At least then they're not reacting to my bad reaction!
No more getting "tangled up in craziness."
I love this final paragraph from the reading:
We stop taking care of other people and we take care of ourselves. We learn to be good to ourselves, to have fun and enjoy life. We learn to feel good about what we've accomplished. We stop focusing on what's wrong and we notice what's right. We learn to function in relationships. We learn to love ourselves, so we can better love others.
With peace to you all, I bid you all good night!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Thanks ((Grateful)) for the reading. It is excellent, I really do want to enjoy my life everyday...now
before I kept waiting for some problem to be solved or for someone to change so I could finally be happy. Well, now I realize that there is always going to be some problem or situation I have to deal with, that's life. But I have the choice to be content inspite of what's going on, I can take care of myself, detach, set boundaries, whatever I need to do...so I don't let the problem take over my life.
before I kept waiting for some problem to be solved or for someone to change so I could finally be happy. Well, now I realize that there is always going to be some problem or situation I have to deal with, that's life. But I have the choice to be content inspite of what's going on, I can take care of myself, detach, set boundaries, whatever I need to do...so I don't let the problem take over my life.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by 51anna
I got a new dentist a year ago when I moved to this city and have only seen her for checkups. Even then, it's pretty clear that money-making is the goal of the office. Today I had to have work done and she was quite incompetent. So, once I finish up this work with her, I will begin to dentist-shop. This is something I would have had trouble with in the past because of guilt feelings or being unsure of myself. But, I am comfortable making this decision.
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
((HG)) - I think you and your fiance' are doing great. I was an idiot, and responded to a scam on the internet that I THOUGHT was my bank. I caught it, right away, closed my account and called the 3 credit reporting agencies. They put a fraud alert on my file, and NO ONE could access my report, or open any new lines of credit without contacting me, specifically...your fiance' may want to consider that. They do it, for free, for 90 days, and you can extend it, if you need to.
I'm so glad that the final loose ends are now tied up! What a sense of satisfaction that must provide!
(((Fall))) I'm sorry to hear that others are reacting to your efforts to detach. The good news is: It probably means you are doing something right! I hope that the chaos will end soon!
Hugs to all, and special prayers to Grateful's Mom and family and for IO Storm and her "plan implementation"!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((SG)) - I, too, spent much of my life, thinking I'd be happy, once something happened. I was overweight, most of my life, so usually it was "I'll be happy once I lose weight". Even had the A I spent 20 years with, tell me he'd marry me if I got to a certain weight..I had the sense to tell him "yeah, well then you'll find something ELSE about me that you'll want to change!"
I'm happy with me, these days, but I do get frustrated with trying to find a better job and fighting against a felony I don't really have. In that respect, I just keep reminding myself that a) if I hadn't done the drugs, it wouldn't even be an issue, and b) this is all part of HP's plan, so just chill
Maybe I'm needing to learn some lessons on THIS job in preparation for the next one, right?
In the meantime, I'm trying to eat my cereal and toast before the cats realize I have it
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm happy with me, these days, but I do get frustrated with trying to find a better job and fighting against a felony I don't really have. In that respect, I just keep reminding myself that a) if I hadn't done the drugs, it wouldn't even be an issue, and b) this is all part of HP's plan, so just chill
Maybe I'm needing to learn some lessons on THIS job in preparation for the next one, right?
In the meantime, I'm trying to eat my cereal and toast before the cats realize I have it
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 13
Clarity And Direction
In spite of our best efforts to work our programs and lean on God's guidance, we sometimes don't understand what's going on in our life. We trust, wait, pray, listen to people, listen to ourselves, and the answer still does not come.
During those times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be , even though that place may feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction.
We are being changed, healed and transformed at levels deeper than we can imagine. Good things, beyond our capacity to imagine, are being prepared and brought to us. We are being led and guided.
We can become peaceful. We do not have to act in haste or urgency just to relieve our discomfort, just to get an answer. We can wait until our mind is peaceful. We can wait for clear direction. Clarity will come.
The answer will come, and it will be good for us and those around us.
Today, God, help me know I am being guided into what's good about life, especially when I feel confused and without direction. Help me trust enough to wait until my mind and vision are clear and consistent. Help me know that clarity will come.
March 13
Clarity And Direction
In spite of our best efforts to work our programs and lean on God's guidance, we sometimes don't understand what's going on in our life. We trust, wait, pray, listen to people, listen to ourselves, and the answer still does not come.
During those times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be , even though that place may feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction.
We are being changed, healed and transformed at levels deeper than we can imagine. Good things, beyond our capacity to imagine, are being prepared and brought to us. We are being led and guided.
We can become peaceful. We do not have to act in haste or urgency just to relieve our discomfort, just to get an answer. We can wait until our mind is peaceful. We can wait for clear direction. Clarity will come.
The answer will come, and it will be good for us and those around us.
Today, God, help me know I am being guided into what's good about life, especially when I feel confused and without direction. Help me trust enough to wait until my mind and vision are clear and consistent. Help me know that clarity will come.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me
I cannot see the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.
Not till the looms are silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
I cannot see the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.
Not till the looms are silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Impurrfect)) I'm so glad that you are feeling good about yourself these days, because you definitely should. You are doing an amazing job in your recovery and thats most important. The other things will work out for the best in time. For myself, I have to always remember to trust that God has a plan for me and I just have to do my part one day at a time.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by espresso
My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me
I cannot see the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.
Not till the looms are silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
I cannot see the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.
Not till the looms are silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
The reading for today is just what I needed..
And thanks Jo (espresso) too.
I have been sharing on my "old" threads..as I have been busy, only a few people
here have I been able to share with privately what has been going on.
I filed a protective order against the harassing, stalking ex..he was served
by the Sheriff's Dept. yesterday. So it is out in the open. But just typing
now, is causing my hands to shake. I am sorry..I haven't been able to
reach out and give back to you..but I will now.
Because I know, that what I give..comes back. Every single time.
I love each and every single one of you.
I covet your prayers, and your thoughts..as I pray for all of you.
This really inspired me today.
"We are being changed, healed and transformed at levels deeper than we can imagine. Good things, beyond our capacity to imagine, are being prepared and brought to us. We are being led and guided."
:ghug2:
And thanks Jo (espresso) too.
I have been sharing on my "old" threads..as I have been busy, only a few people
here have I been able to share with privately what has been going on.
I filed a protective order against the harassing, stalking ex..he was served
by the Sheriff's Dept. yesterday. So it is out in the open. But just typing
now, is causing my hands to shake. I am sorry..I haven't been able to
reach out and give back to you..but I will now.
Because I know, that what I give..comes back. Every single time.
I love each and every single one of you.
I covet your prayers, and your thoughts..as I pray for all of you.
This really inspired me today.
"We are being changed, healed and transformed at levels deeper than we can imagine. Good things, beyond our capacity to imagine, are being prepared and brought to us. We are being led and guided."
:ghug2:
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