Codependency and Beyond Part 3
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
That sounds horrid IO, I hope it gets better soon.
I had a bitter-sweet epiphany yesterday (sorry for the re-post Suz=) at the dentist's of all places. He wanted to know how I had lost so much weight since last time I was there. We got talking about gym's, whole wheat, frozen yogurt etc and the more we talked the more dorky-excited we both got. He is in the same "life phase" as me. Do they call this mid-life? Well anyway, I said something to him about my daughter hating all the gourmet health food I make, and driving home it hit me. I am in the process of growing up, or growing old, or settling into this new child free, 40+ me. She doesn't belong in that phase. She is in the 21, lots of friends, 5 offers every night, road trips, fast food, I'm a grown up and I like it phase, and thats were she belongs. I cried a bit, but it was at least 50% out of joy for us both.
Love for you all~
I had a bitter-sweet epiphany yesterday (sorry for the re-post Suz=) at the dentist's of all places. He wanted to know how I had lost so much weight since last time I was there. We got talking about gym's, whole wheat, frozen yogurt etc and the more we talked the more dorky-excited we both got. He is in the same "life phase" as me. Do they call this mid-life? Well anyway, I said something to him about my daughter hating all the gourmet health food I make, and driving home it hit me. I am in the process of growing up, or growing old, or settling into this new child free, 40+ me. She doesn't belong in that phase. She is in the 21, lots of friends, 5 offers every night, road trips, fast food, I'm a grown up and I like it phase, and thats were she belongs. I cried a bit, but it was at least 50% out of joy for us both.
Love for you all~
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
g2b)))
SG)))
Lisa)))
Thank you all.
:ghug2:
I couldn't talk about it before..as he could (most likely) be browsing and searching
posts. It wasn't safe until I had the order. He is permanently banned from
SR..but has snuck back a couple of times. The mods and admin have been very
supportive. I just had to wait..
I pray the Court will grant an order for several years..it's not over yet.
The hearing is on the 27th. At least..with the temporary, if he bothers me
in any way..he will will go to jail.
Well, 'nuff about this mess.
Looking at today's reading again..(all of it was great, btw) i loved this part too..
"During those times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be , even though that place may feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction."
I believe that this storm in my life can be a catalyst for change. This is how I am going
to choose to look at it..my sponsor says in a way this is part of clearing wreckage.
After all..I, me..no one else made these choices in a relationship that has come back
to haunt me. I did. I have to deal with what is happening now, however distasteful
the situation. But when I clear away any wreckage..with each attempt, it frees a path
for something new, healthy..and God sent to arrive.
Jo's poem says..
"The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."
I will look for and appreciate the gold and silver when I see them..so much more now.
:ghug2:
SG)))
Lisa)))
Thank you all.
:ghug2:
I couldn't talk about it before..as he could (most likely) be browsing and searching
posts. It wasn't safe until I had the order. He is permanently banned from
SR..but has snuck back a couple of times. The mods and admin have been very
supportive. I just had to wait..
I pray the Court will grant an order for several years..it's not over yet.
The hearing is on the 27th. At least..with the temporary, if he bothers me
in any way..he will will go to jail.
Well, 'nuff about this mess.
Looking at today's reading again..(all of it was great, btw) i loved this part too..
"During those times, we need to understand that we are right where we need to be , even though that place may feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our life does have purpose and direction."
I believe that this storm in my life can be a catalyst for change. This is how I am going
to choose to look at it..my sponsor says in a way this is part of clearing wreckage.
After all..I, me..no one else made these choices in a relationship that has come back
to haunt me. I did. I have to deal with what is happening now, however distasteful
the situation. But when I clear away any wreckage..with each attempt, it frees a path
for something new, healthy..and God sent to arrive.
Jo's poem says..
"The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."
I will look for and appreciate the gold and silver when I see them..so much more now.
:ghug2:
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((IO))) - I'm sorry you're going through this, but very glad you got the order!
((Lisa)) - I can imagine it's hard to let your "baby" grow up. Brit isn't even my child, but I'm having a hard time accepting that she will be 16 in July.
Well, I went to work and so far, so good. I did find out that my boss's boss is apparently just "itching for something" to "get" my boss on. I'm not going to do/say anything unless I get backed into a corner, and then it will only be facts that have affected me. I found myself slipping back into my codie ways, big time, last night....people pleasing (coworkers), guilt trips, for no reason, etc. I will have to give myself a pep talk, tonight, before going into work.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Lisa)) - I can imagine it's hard to let your "baby" grow up. Brit isn't even my child, but I'm having a hard time accepting that she will be 16 in July.
Well, I went to work and so far, so good. I did find out that my boss's boss is apparently just "itching for something" to "get" my boss on. I'm not going to do/say anything unless I get backed into a corner, and then it will only be facts that have affected me. I found myself slipping back into my codie ways, big time, last night....people pleasing (coworkers), guilt trips, for no reason, etc. I will have to give myself a pep talk, tonight, before going into work.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Wow! So much going on!!
(((((IO))))) You have been and will continue to be in my prayers as you deal with all of this. I thought it might be something along those lines, and am glad to know that the order is in place and you are safe!!
(((Lisa))) I guess the dentist is a good a place as any to have an epiphany!
(((Amy))) It's a shame that you have been placed in the center of what might be described as workplace personality politics. I hope that today is better for you!
I hope it is a good morning for all. Hugs, HG
(((((IO))))) You have been and will continue to be in my prayers as you deal with all of this. I thought it might be something along those lines, and am glad to know that the order is in place and you are safe!!
(((Lisa))) I guess the dentist is a good a place as any to have an epiphany!
(((Amy))) It's a shame that you have been placed in the center of what might be described as workplace personality politics. I hope that today is better for you!
I hope it is a good morning for all. Hugs, HG
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Amy, slipping back into the people-pleasing ways happens to me when I'm stressed, too. The good thing is that you clearly recognize it, and you know why it's happening. I hope things settle down for you.
Sher, I know you've had a long road to get to this point, so I hope that you find this resolution is a relief for you.
Sher, I know you've had a long road to get to this point, so I hope that you find this resolution is a relief for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 95
Lisa, I loved reading of your "epiphany." Those moments of inspiration, they can carry us far.
IO Storm, your story, what you're going through, chills me. Because I'm in such a similar situation. I don't know what to do. A couple weeks ago I caught him in the act of driving around looking for me (he had to drive 55 miles out of his way to be there, no reason to be there, so it was obvious what he was doing.) I drove up behind him and called his cell phone. He stammered for a reason for being there, coming up with a bad lie, and then defended it for the rest of the day before admitting that yes, he was trying to catch me in the act of the awful sin of... writing at the library! He's so worried I'm writing to "guys", or even here at SR, that I'm looking for another boyfriend, or spending time talking to other guys. Aaargh! It seems like stalking to me. The same old behaviors that he's so trying to change are still right there, the questioning of me, the doubting, the daily worry that I'm looking to go out and date (dammit, I'm nearly 4 months pregnant with a business to run, all I want is some peace! The LAST thing I want is another relationship!) He, too, has written here at SR. He's posed as me and written to my friends! He still obsesses over the fact I talk with my male friends, who have been my friends for decades. Long before I met him. He thinks about them more than I do, and in negative ways. I'm then expected to answer to his fears. I don't want to argue about it any more. He's going to counseling for his issues. He finalized the divorce that's been lingering for 5 years. He's trying to quit smoking. He's sincerely wanting to do the right thing. And yet, every day is a struggle.
Yesterday I succumbed to the pressure. Both he, and a long term friend of mine, are terribly jealous of the other. It makes me sick, because in my friend I just want a friend, who is what a friend is. One who listens and cares and to whom I listen and care about. And in my mate I want a mate, not one who wants to control and intimidate me, but one who cares, supports, encourages. As I would be able to also so offer to him.
But those two have clashed from day one. Each wanting the other out of my life. When neither has the right or reason to expect such a thing! This past week it all came to a head. My friend told me that's it, I've made my decision to have this child, my mate's child, and that now I'll be forever "owned", and what I need now isn't a friend, it's a babysitter. He scolded me for the way I deal with life is like a "bad 8-year old" who avoids her responsiblities to her friends. The message was filled with jealousy. It made me sick.
Meanwhile, my mate continues to hound me about my friends and family, about what I'm saying to them, writing to them, whether or not I'm being "too friendly," if I'm looking for other guys.
I just blew up! I YELLED at my mate on the phone, that I'm TIRED of dealing with the miserable jealousies, and if that's the way it's going to be you and he both can F-off! And hung up, crying.
Well that was a meltdown. Not very calm or peaceful or reasonable even.
1/2 hour later the mate drove over and we talked for an hour, I calmed down, he seemed to understand my frustration. I worry I'm going to have to battle his jealousies and doubts and distrust for a lifetime if I stay with this. I can't, and won't, do that. I've detached significiantly in recent months and have found peace in that, only getting riled when the jealousies and questioning is right there in my face. I keep telling him I can't and won't deal with it. Such is why I now live alone. Needing this place of peace that is my home.
Anyway...
Good luck with the hearing IO. It's a very tough thing you're going through. Scary too, I'm sure. Thanks for sharing what you're doing, where you're at with it.
To the rest of you, as always, thanks for continued writing here, I gather strength from reading of your successes, and learn from your mistakes. We're all learning together. It's wonderful that way.
Grateful...how's your mom doing?
IO Storm, your story, what you're going through, chills me. Because I'm in such a similar situation. I don't know what to do. A couple weeks ago I caught him in the act of driving around looking for me (he had to drive 55 miles out of his way to be there, no reason to be there, so it was obvious what he was doing.) I drove up behind him and called his cell phone. He stammered for a reason for being there, coming up with a bad lie, and then defended it for the rest of the day before admitting that yes, he was trying to catch me in the act of the awful sin of... writing at the library! He's so worried I'm writing to "guys", or even here at SR, that I'm looking for another boyfriend, or spending time talking to other guys. Aaargh! It seems like stalking to me. The same old behaviors that he's so trying to change are still right there, the questioning of me, the doubting, the daily worry that I'm looking to go out and date (dammit, I'm nearly 4 months pregnant with a business to run, all I want is some peace! The LAST thing I want is another relationship!) He, too, has written here at SR. He's posed as me and written to my friends! He still obsesses over the fact I talk with my male friends, who have been my friends for decades. Long before I met him. He thinks about them more than I do, and in negative ways. I'm then expected to answer to his fears. I don't want to argue about it any more. He's going to counseling for his issues. He finalized the divorce that's been lingering for 5 years. He's trying to quit smoking. He's sincerely wanting to do the right thing. And yet, every day is a struggle.
Yesterday I succumbed to the pressure. Both he, and a long term friend of mine, are terribly jealous of the other. It makes me sick, because in my friend I just want a friend, who is what a friend is. One who listens and cares and to whom I listen and care about. And in my mate I want a mate, not one who wants to control and intimidate me, but one who cares, supports, encourages. As I would be able to also so offer to him.
But those two have clashed from day one. Each wanting the other out of my life. When neither has the right or reason to expect such a thing! This past week it all came to a head. My friend told me that's it, I've made my decision to have this child, my mate's child, and that now I'll be forever "owned", and what I need now isn't a friend, it's a babysitter. He scolded me for the way I deal with life is like a "bad 8-year old" who avoids her responsiblities to her friends. The message was filled with jealousy. It made me sick.
Meanwhile, my mate continues to hound me about my friends and family, about what I'm saying to them, writing to them, whether or not I'm being "too friendly," if I'm looking for other guys.
I just blew up! I YELLED at my mate on the phone, that I'm TIRED of dealing with the miserable jealousies, and if that's the way it's going to be you and he both can F-off! And hung up, crying.
Well that was a meltdown. Not very calm or peaceful or reasonable even.
1/2 hour later the mate drove over and we talked for an hour, I calmed down, he seemed to understand my frustration. I worry I'm going to have to battle his jealousies and doubts and distrust for a lifetime if I stay with this. I can't, and won't, do that. I've detached significiantly in recent months and have found peace in that, only getting riled when the jealousies and questioning is right there in my face. I keep telling him I can't and won't deal with it. Such is why I now live alone. Needing this place of peace that is my home.
Anyway...
Good luck with the hearing IO. It's a very tough thing you're going through. Scary too, I'm sure. Thanks for sharing what you're doing, where you're at with it.
To the rest of you, as always, thanks for continued writing here, I gather strength from reading of your successes, and learn from your mistakes. We're all learning together. It's wonderful that way.
Grateful...how's your mom doing?
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 14
Trusting Ourselves
Trust can be one of the most confusing concepts in recovery. Who do we trust? For what?
The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that's happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn't trust ourselves.
There will be some who tell us we cannot trust ourselves, we are off base and out of whack. There are those who would benefit by our mistrusting ourselves.
Fear and doubt are our enemies. Panic is our enemy. Confusion is our opposition.
Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but we were wrong? We accept them, and trust anyway.
We know what is best for us. We know what is right for us. If we are wrong, if we need to change our mind, we will be guided into that - but only by trusting where we are today.
We can look to others for support and reinforcement, but trust in ourselves is essential.
Do not trust fear. Do not trust panic..We can trust ourselves, stand in our own truth, stand in our own light. We have it now. Already. We have all the light we need for today. And tomorrow's light shall be given to us then.
Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth.
God, help me let go of fear, doubt, and confusion - the enemies of self-trust. Help me go forward in peace and confidence. Help me grow in trust for myself and You, one day at a time, one experience at a time.
March 14
Trusting Ourselves
Trust can be one of the most confusing concepts in recovery. Who do we trust? For what?
The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves. The most detrimental thing that's happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn't trust ourselves.
There will be some who tell us we cannot trust ourselves, we are off base and out of whack. There are those who would benefit by our mistrusting ourselves.
Fear and doubt are our enemies. Panic is our enemy. Confusion is our opposition.
Self-trust is a healing gift we can give ourselves. How do we acquire it? We learn it. What do we do about our mistakes, about those times we thought we could trust ourselves but we were wrong? We accept them, and trust anyway.
We know what is best for us. We know what is right for us. If we are wrong, if we need to change our mind, we will be guided into that - but only by trusting where we are today.
We can look to others for support and reinforcement, but trust in ourselves is essential.
Do not trust fear. Do not trust panic..We can trust ourselves, stand in our own truth, stand in our own light. We have it now. Already. We have all the light we need for today. And tomorrow's light shall be given to us then.
Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust. Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do. When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth.
God, help me let go of fear, doubt, and confusion - the enemies of self-trust. Help me go forward in peace and confidence. Help me grow in trust for myself and You, one day at a time, one experience at a time.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
.... We have all the light we need for today. And tomorrow's light shall be given to us then.
...... When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth......
I needed to be reminded of this today...
I have been struggling for the last day or two....
I have given turned off the phone and given myself a time out, and some time within, so that I can process some of what is on my plate right now..
I feel guilty that I have not been able to do much of anything for my mom except through the sibs...and I am fearful that I may not ever see her again , because she is fading fast and miles away. Fall:hug, thank you for asking.
I feel deep sadness when I see the broken man my brother has become, and it triggers the stress and fear of the last 8 years my AD has lived and reminds me of how at risk she still is...
My brother came expecting me to be his savior, and outwardly I held the line but inwardly I allowed that expectation to mess with my serenity..even as I said no repeatedly where I needed to...damm guilt..
And all of this came crashing in yesterday. My PTSD is all riled up and I have been in a fibro flare since he arrived..
I know that my brother's constant coming and going,( his belongings were stored here), challenged my ability to have some distance, but he is now staying with my sister for the rest of the month, and I am grateful for that.
..so, as I climb down off of my need to be all things to all people perch
I am already starting to feel a little bit better....... as I sift through what is not really mine, and bring the focus back to me.
This is all so humbling...and God has me right where he wants me...and with a little celestial thump on the head...."I got this, dont'cha know..."
I will post more when I know more
...... When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that God will guide us into truth......
I needed to be reminded of this today...
I have been struggling for the last day or two....
I have given turned off the phone and given myself a time out, and some time within, so that I can process some of what is on my plate right now..
I feel guilty that I have not been able to do much of anything for my mom except through the sibs...and I am fearful that I may not ever see her again , because she is fading fast and miles away. Fall:hug, thank you for asking.
I feel deep sadness when I see the broken man my brother has become, and it triggers the stress and fear of the last 8 years my AD has lived and reminds me of how at risk she still is...
My brother came expecting me to be his savior, and outwardly I held the line but inwardly I allowed that expectation to mess with my serenity..even as I said no repeatedly where I needed to...damm guilt..
And all of this came crashing in yesterday. My PTSD is all riled up and I have been in a fibro flare since he arrived..
I know that my brother's constant coming and going,( his belongings were stored here), challenged my ability to have some distance, but he is now staying with my sister for the rest of the month, and I am grateful for that.
..so, as I climb down off of my need to be all things to all people perch
I am already starting to feel a little bit better....... as I sift through what is not really mine, and bring the focus back to me.
This is all so humbling...and God has me right where he wants me...and with a little celestial thump on the head...."I got this, dont'cha know..."
I will post more when I know more
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((Sher))) I am so glad you now have a sense of safety here again and can post freely..my prayers that the legal issues will work out to your highest good.
(((Amy))) my love and prayers as you manouver through difficulties at work...
(((Fall))) When I hear of your mate , it takes me back to 26 years ago...my major concern for about my daughter's father was how controlling and possessive he was, and the biggest reason why I chose to go it alone and have her on my own...Haven't regretted it ever...and all these years later after meeting him, she finally got to see and understand that I made the best decision or her and I...
I really appreciate and empathize with your spot...
(((Amy))) my love and prayers as you manouver through difficulties at work...
(((Fall))) When I hear of your mate , it takes me back to 26 years ago...my major concern for about my daughter's father was how controlling and possessive he was, and the biggest reason why I chose to go it alone and have her on my own...Haven't regretted it ever...and all these years later after meeting him, she finally got to see and understand that I made the best decision or her and I...
I really appreciate and empathize with your spot...
Last edited by grateful2b; 03-14-2009 at 08:10 AM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Grateful)) I went through the same situation as you when my Mom turned for the worse, I wasn't able to be there either. My Mom was in Calgary, I had been out to visit her a month earlier. I remember feeling guilty, I know it's very hard to go through...my brother and sister were there with her...
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((SG))) thanks so much for that, it is really helpful and a comfort to me, to hear about your experience...
I know that with all that has been going on, my PTSD and BP2 have been triggered by all the stress and have left me feeling overloaded......not much I can do about that, except accept it...which is the best thing I can do...
I need to do a lot of self care right now and in a bit I will be good..
Something that has been popping up for me lately is acceptance of what is, who I am in relationship to my health and brain chemistry issues and who I no longer am...
I think one of the parallels for my brother and I was him realizing that I wasn't the person I was when he left 30 years ago...you know, wonderwoman and he wasn't the whole, mentally and physically healthy young man that left here 30 years ago.
On a good day I am content and happy and quite proud of where I have landed in life...
But this whole experience is challenging the strength and security of my hula hoop as people expect the old me.....in the midst of a crisis....to be and do...and its my job to let them know I can't
I know I can't and this has been, apart from the obvious challenges, also about reminding myself that it is okay that I can't.
btw, you guys, I am glad I can come here and share this..it is helping me to process through:ghug2
..Mariposa
I know that with all that has been going on, my PTSD and BP2 have been triggered by all the stress and have left me feeling overloaded......not much I can do about that, except accept it...which is the best thing I can do...
I need to do a lot of self care right now and in a bit I will be good..
Something that has been popping up for me lately is acceptance of what is, who I am in relationship to my health and brain chemistry issues and who I no longer am...
I think one of the parallels for my brother and I was him realizing that I wasn't the person I was when he left 30 years ago...you know, wonderwoman
and he wasn't the whole, mentally and physically healthy young man that left here 30 years ago. On a good day I am content and happy and quite proud of where I have landed in life...
But this whole experience is challenging the strength and security of my hula hoop as people expect the old me.....in the midst of a crisis....to be and do...and its my job to let them know I can't
I know I can't and this has been, apart from the obvious challenges, also about reminding myself that it is okay that I can't.
btw, you guys, I am glad I can come here and share this..it is helping me to process through:ghug2
..Mariposa
Last edited by grateful2b; 03-14-2009 at 10:09 AM.
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