shutterbug

Well, today and yesterday have been very emotional and very healing all in the same.

If you feel up to going on a "Jerry Springer" kind of ride with me…you might find this long post interesting…not sure though….but I definitely need as much feedback as I can get on these kind of situations which I think are how TRUE healing can begin to take place because by the end of this post you will find, I have come to some significant moments of clarity as to why depression and insecurity has kept me from ever being able to maintain a healthy relationship with someone or with myself. So if you feel up to it….please share your thoughts on this whole situation and where I can hopefully go from here. Thanks for everyone who takes the time to follow this crazy adventure in recovery with me. I love you guys and dont’ know what I’d do without you….

Anyway, as I've posted here before, my core issues with my depression right now seems to be my severe insecurity and self-loathing. I never realized until today...how that can impact other's lives negatively and that's why the people in my life tend to abandon, and often exile me, when I need them the most. -> because I'm bringing them down with me without realizing it.

A while back, when I first discovered how sick I was and started on my path toward recovery, my 2 best friends ostracized me from their lives. What a blow that was to an already fragile self-esteem and feelings of being unlovable and even unlikeable.

Well, it’s happening again with a friend who I recently re-connected with this week. We very briefly dated in high school and even though he’s unavailable….he is the biggest flirt in the world and always convinces me to play along and let loose and have a little fun with him….a little harmless, non-physical indulgence if you will.

Well, two days ago…he was able to talk me into a little phone fun…which is something I’m not very experienced with and felt insecure about doing. And I even hate that I’m telling you guys this…but I don’t know how to explain the situation unless I tell you the details like this…sorry. But anyway…Whatever I did…well did the trick, but there were no bells and whistles for him…know what I mean? So being the insecure being that I am, and needing constant affirmations in my life right now, I e-mailed him and asked him about it cause he seemed a bit disappointed in my part of the play. And him being the frank and honest person he is, gently tried to tell me the truth saying…the following:

" You did just fine!....Just fine! It's tough to critique someone regarding something of that nature. I look at it like this....if it makes a person or persons hit their....well....spot....then I believe it was good enough for "phone" purposes....Now ....in live "physical" performances ....well...thats worth striving towards constant improvement, but not to say I would go.....OH MY GOSH....I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT or anything like that....I try not to complain about sex or sexual fun in any caliber."

Well I, of course, took that to be a nice way of really saying ….YOU STINK!!!!!!!! THAT WAS JUST AWFUL!!!

I tried not to let it get to me b/c I was appreciative that he felt he could be honest, but as the day wore on…it started eating at me and my mind started twisting his words so that it put me in the most negative light possible.

(Bear with me here guys….you know it takes me a while to explain things in my life…..)

Anyway…here was the e-mail I sent him after the thoughts had lingered on me for a while: (warning*- it’s a little graphic….but just a little…but if I can’t talk about these things with you guys, people who don’t even know me in real life, then I have no one. I’m a bit uncomfortable about even you guys even reading this [especially one of you in particular], but I feel I must show you the truth of how my mind turned something insignificant in to such disastrous thinking which, by the end of last night, had me suicidal and self-injuring for an hour straight)

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Hey J.B.....just woke up from a 3 hour nap and figured I'd check my mail...and here you are! You early birds...I don't know how you people do it. I mean everyone who has to be up and already going strong at the work day just about the same time, my body and mind is winding down for the day. And of course you "normal" people prolly don't understand my sleeping habits (problems) either...lol.

Well, I can tell that I disappointed. Did the trick, but nothing special just the same. That's okay. Thanks for being honest! Wow, that's so awesome to have a guy tell me the truth when the truth about things like that are uncomfortable to talk about. I appreciate it. I don't like to not be good at things (anything, but especially when it come to things like that) and the only way to know is if people tell you right? Right. B.R. (my ex alcoholic) was the only one I've ever "talked" with like that on the phone or during the act and he was very specific in the things he wanted me to say and how he wanted me to say them so my experience with that is minimal. Now I know that I really need to work on the verbal stuff or cut it out all together...lol. I just enjoy more to be in the act and go with the flow. Well, I guess that's not entirely true because I love, love, LOVE for a guy to whisper things and breath in my ear during....well during anything. I guess I just don't feel comfortable being the one doing the talking because I never can think of what to say. But heck...maybe I'm bad a the acts themselves too and maybe nobody's ever had the balls...lol...to tell me the truth? Well, naw, that's not the case because B.R. was pretty damn honest about what he liked when it came to that and most everything in life and he's been with (didn't find this all out until I was obsessed in love with him already), but by his own admission he's been with thousands of women and by other guys accounts he's been with tens of thousands of women and he said I wasn't the best he'd ever had, which I didn't take offense to, but that I definitely among the top ranks, which tells me that I must be doing something right in the physical realm because it's no exaggeration to say that he's practically gone home with a different girl every night of his life since he was about 21 and he's 39 now...and many nights he went home with more than one. Women hated him and wouldn't give him the time of day growing up, but then everything changed in his early 20's and now it's almost like a trance that falls over a woman when he's around. it's the damnedest thing I've ever been through or seen in action in my life cause he's not even that great looking to be getting such quantity. He literally just snaps his fingers or walks up to a girl, grabs her pulls her in with a passionate kiss...and he's got her wrapped around his little finger and everything else, even the most prudish of girls have no hesitation to go straight to it. don't understand it. Dad or anyone else never did either...ask him (dad) about B.R. and his way of getting women sometimes and he'll tell you that it's like some kind of unnatural thing that doesn’t make sense. Anyway, don't know why I'm telling you all this. Guess I just started thinking that maybe I was lacking in that area too....but no...Bret enjoyed being with me too much so if he thought I was even marginal then I would have taken even that as a huge complement. So *raspberry* guess you'll never know!...LOL

{I cut out a lot of gibberish about career stuff, but the gest of it is he was saying how he hated his job b/c it’s so boring and is thinking of going back to college for a nursing degree or for his masters but that he doesn’t really know how he would do that because he would be giving up a great high-paying job…and him and my sister work for the same government air base…so I said the following...and you'll see why this is ...and you'll see why this is pertanent a little later}

I don't know what I would do in your situation though, because of having a family and all and already making such good money. That would be a tough choice. Could you do like what my sis is doing now? She's getting her master's degree online. And until she got moved into a different department where they are now keeping her busy all the time, she WAS able to do her course work online while she was at work..

Anyway, my awake time is over and I must return to sleep. This is how my life has been for the past several months and I'm about to go nuts...I sleep for 2-3 hours then up and hour...then it just continues like that back and forth, up, down, up down and I seem to not have any control over it. I try to just stay up many times, but the sleepiness just overcomes me and there's nothing I can do but succumb to it...and besides...what else do I have going on in my life right now...nothing...so I sleep...and e-mail. What a life, huh! Well, I'm actually just enjoying it while I can because I doubt I will ever allow myself to take this much time off from work again until I become a millionaire or retire or die...lol.

Hope you get to e-mail me back today....and give me something I can smile about! or else!
Hugs,
Jen
P.S. Me? Be good? After the place you sent my mind to yesterday? I DON'T THINK SO!! It had been so long since I had had ANY kind of interaction like that...and it's like eating chips...you can't just have one, because one just makes you want more.....LOL.
So now I'm in "bad" Jenna mode...hahaha. *sly grin*
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So….almost immediately after I sent that e-mail…I started rehashing everything I had written and how it would come across and I panicked and sent this one right after…..

(Titled) PLEASE READ THIS LETTER FIRST:

Dear J.B.

hey....I just realized I sent you a pretty stupid, stupid letter a little bit ago...so just delete it please would ya cause I believe I also said some pretty embarrassing stuff, specially at the end. Sorry. I had just woken up and didn't expect you to have written me and so, in my defense, I was still half asleep when I wrote that. Anyway, I went to lay down and go back to sleep and suddenly I flashed back to some of the things I had written...well, I'm embarrassed now...sorry...talk to you later. Jen
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okay….we’re getting close the important part of this whole thread so bear with me a bit longer please.

So I went to my sisters house later that night to visit my nephews and such and at one point I mentioned to my sis that J.B. (who she just met for the first time last weekend) has been thinking about his job there and about school and that I had told him how she was going at it. And out of that….after I went home…I ended up sleeping on it all for a about 3 hours before e-mailing him this following letter early this morning:

(Titled) Write me back…k

Hey J.B.

Hey just real (maybe) quick. I talked to my sis last night about how you are bored in your job and also thinking about whether or not to go after your masters...and her response was pretty much, "Why wouldn't he...(the government) will pay for tuition."
Didn't know if you knew that or not....she said she actually only ends up paying like $75 a class or a semester or something...I'm not sure. You'll have to ask her more about it. She also said that you can get (the government) to pay off some of the school loans that you already have, maybe too. She said for you to just look her up on the network or whatever.
You may have already talked to her by now since she said she was gunna try to look you up.
I just want to make sure and make somethings clear....which I'm sure I dont' really need to...but I want to be for certain that you understand me on this.....Ummm.....okay, I got no problem with you and my sis talking as much as you want and all that, but under no circumstances will I be able to feel comfortable with you talking to her with the heavy flirting like you do with me. Her being my little sis and all, I would just prefer to not have to worry about that.
I guess the main reason why I felt in necessary to tell you this is because (my sis) is on the very verge of divorce and when she first told me she met you at the VFW...she seemed a little too happy about it, but I blew it off and didn't think anything of it. Until last night when I mentioned that you and the VFW and she went so far as to compliment you to me about your singing. Well that, on it's own, is enough to tell me that she is at least a little interested in you because my sister NEVER speaks good or complements ANYONE that happens to be a friend or even an acquaintance of mine. I dont' understand it, but that's just how she's ALWAYS been....disapproving.
Then when I was talking about you being so bored up there...she really perked up when she realized you also worked at (the gov’t base) and she wanted to know what shift and what building and was it her same building and what was your middle name so she could look you up on the system and talk to you and all that....well....that's just not normal for her to act that way.
So....talk to her all you want and if you want to start flirting with her that is obviously your decision and I won't try and stop you in any other way that what I am saying now....and that is....if you really want to talk and act that way with her....then don't even think about talking with me like that too! Please....and I don't want to find out suddenly...out of the blue or from some other source that you and my sister have been consorting about un-be-announced to me. Just continue to be straight and honest with me and every thing will be all good…. nuff said?
Anyway....sorry, if I seem a little more than just a bit over-reacting about all that, but I'd rather just lay out all my thoughts about it right now....so that I feel comfortable in knowing that my thoughts or opinions on such a matter will never be a question....because now you know how I feel.
Besides that....I don't really know what to talk about at the moment. I'm wondering if you got the 2 e-mails I sent you yesterday, cause I figured I would have already heard back from you...and if you deleted the first one...like I asked. Which you prolly didn't and that's okay if you didn't b/c I wouldn't have deleted it without reading it either if somebody told me that....LOL.
I just kinda feel like I'm walking on egg shells with you a tad bit because I'm not sure what you feel comfortable with me talking about and what you don't.
It's frigging FREEZING in here! Burrr
I'm so very insecure about things....you know that...and so I don't know if I haven't heard back from you yet because you've just been busy OR you're actually OVERLY disappointed in how things went with me the other day on the phone OR if maybe the whole thing freaked you out too much OR something else. I dunno...and my mind always imagines and decides that it has to be what ever the worst case scenario is. So if you could just appease me by giving me the honest answer when I hound you with stupid questions like this...I would greatly appreciate it.
Any who...did you know that Santa is gay, his wife is a drag queen and I would even mention what he does with the raindeer...lol...just being silly. (got that from a friend today…lol)
Hey remember we were talking about Stella's bar the other day and I said I could never go out there...well that wasn't true...I wasn't thinking straight. If it's karaoke night out there then it's a pretty safe bet that dip wad (B.R.) won't ever be there since he hates karaoke with a big passion. So not that you were going to invite me out with you anyway...but if you ever do decide to go out there...and want some company along....I would be happy to oblige
Well if you write me back in the next several hours (before 2:30 p.m. then I will write you back another letter)
TTFN......Ta Ta For Now,
Toodles,
Jen
A.K.A.....your cheezy "phone a friend" gal pal ;P
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shutterbug

Well guys here comes the finale (even though it's a rather long finale):…Here's his response to those 3 e-mails and then my "moments of clarity" that came when I responded as to my reasoning behind the things I had said in those three e-mails.

(Title): RE: Write me back…k

WOW! My, My, My! You're gonna have to slow down a bit here! We've gone from having routine/casual email chats to the idea that I didn't think our phone conversation (the other day) was worth a darn and that I'm after your sister OR she's after me all of sudden. Good Gosh....what happened there!
First, I told you what I felt about our phone conversation in the second to the last email I sent you when you specifically asked me how I felt you did and how I felt about all that. I told you that I am not the type to critique people on that sort of thing nor was I the type to be overly critical about physical encounters either. Somehow you took that from what it was to me implying that I thought it was awful or boring or bad in some sort of way. I don't know how that happened, but it did. Now...all of a sudden I have a list of instructions outlining how my code of conduct should be when interacting with your sister who, mind you, I have only spoke to, in brief, and that was at your father's request. I'm a bit confused at to what inspired all this and more specifically the whole "her being my little sis and all, I would just prefer not to have to worry about that (my heavy flirting and all)." I am only capable of perceiving that and many of your other requests concerning her in one of two ways. 1) Either you are severely protective of your "adult" little sis...implying I am some bad individual crouched and prepared to attack and corrupt her OR 2) there is some unexplained and unjustified jealousy hovering in the wings here that I am quite unaware of. Anyhow, I'm just a bit blind-sided by all this seeing how I have done nothing AT ALL to instigate anything AT ALL in light of your sister. By the way....as of 11:00 A.M. this morning...I have not received any sort of an email for her and besides....she would need to know my middle initial anyhow cus there are like 10 to 15 of J.B’s in the Global Address book. Another point of concern I have, would be that during the whole time you were talking with your sister about me and getting the impression that she was sparking some interest in whatever way you feel she was doing......why didn't you tell her to not talk to me and that her talking to me bothers you so much to the degree you indicate. I'm not trying to sound b*tchy here....but I'm just a bit confused with all the stirred emotions, paranoia, and impatience that have developed in a matter of like .....1 1/2 days.
As for the schooling....(I’ve deleted this long section of his writing since carries no doesnt’ have any info that you guys would need to know about)…..

Well...its lunch time and I have to run ....but I wanted to get this sent to you so you wouldn't think there is some mysterious plot or hatred out there against ya that you didn't know about. LOL! Anyhow...I'll talk at ya later.
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So I felt sick at my stomach as I read this above letter because….this is the kind of reaction one has to a crazy person…so I tried to compose myself and wrote this final e-mail to him:

(Titled) Sorry…please forgive me…I’m not well

okay...I must offer a HUGE apology to you! SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Really...my thoughts and emotions about all these things, must have come off much stronger in my writing...than they are in reality. I guess. But I can definitely see why I've freaked you out.
About the phone thing....well, I didn’t' expect I would have any reaction to your answer to my question about "how I did". I really didn't, but obviously I did feel a reaction. I could tell that it did the trick, but wasn't anything special. And I am really glad to know that....really, I am....because I'm really big into wanting to be considered as being exceptionally good at all my performances in the sexual realm. I suppose there is a lot of childhood crap behind that feeling of wanting so badly to really, really please a man....not just get him off instead, but I won't go into all that right now, but will later if you want me to. But I guess the bottom line is that, I'm not able to hear real, honest, answers about questions like that about what kind of job I did like I thought I could....without it cutting deep into my ego of myself. And I guess I just felt stupid for 2 reasons....1. because I seemed to have enjoyed it much more than you were able to....which I automatically take full responsibility for...that's just my own problems in how I judge myself so harshly all the time. AND 2. I didn’t' like the fact that it took me so much longer than you to reach that point...well...and I guess there is a 3. here.....I've never had phone sex with anyone who I haven't already been physical with...so there was more confidence, or comfort, or something that I felt because of already knowing that person on that kind of intimate level.
I dont' know if I'm making any gosh darn sense here, but I'm trying. J.B, maybe I’m just too much of a crazy person, like everyone else seems to think I am...I don't know....your reaction sure makes me feel like I'm acting crazy, but I suppose that it would seem that way to anyone...not just you...so I don't know.
Let me just explain that ....well, I dont' know how much I've explained my mental health issues to you yet, but right now (and for about the past 2 weeks) I've REALLY been loathing myself in every possible way. I mean...I've even felt hurt by people in my online support group who have been in my type of depressive states before and are just trying to help. But my mind is ill. I won't deny that. And right now...if I read ANY kind of possible way that something can be construed in a negative light toward me right now....I automatically see things in that kind of light, because that's just where my head is right now....very negative about myself, so it's hard for me not to think that others are being overly critical of me as well, even if what they said was completely innocent and without judgment....I twist things around in my head so that their intentions...no matter how benign...seem negative toward me. I can only imagine how all this must sound to you.
Does any of that make sense?
I just enjoyed our phone thing a lot...A LOT....and its something that I would enjoy doing again every so often if you would so desire that also...cause despite my obvious apprehensions here...it was a lot of fun....but I don't think I will feel comfortable really now, because I will be scared of what to say or what not to say....even more than I usually am in life about things....especially things like that. There's just a lot of anxiety that I deal with on a daily basis about things...and unfortunately this is no exception at the moment.
I'm sorry for even being me...I really am. I didn't mean to stress you out about anything. That's the very LAST thing I wanted to do. I'm majority sorry J.B. I'm just crazy I guess.
As for the thing with (my sis)....again....right now, my mind is in that "worst case scenario" kind of thinking. And i just started thinking, "OMGosh....what IF this, this and this....and that kind of "what if" is what caused my very specific opinions about that whole situation. It's not that I think you’re some big awful predator and I have to protect my adult sis who is QUITE CABABLE of taking care of herself. There is a little bit of jealousy when it comes to her (on both sides)....long, long, LONG story. So I just know I couldn't handle it if like, a month or two or three went by and, me and her were talking and somehow I came to realize that you flirt heavily with her like you do with me too. I mean...J.B., you just have to understand that my whole life has seemed like one big Jerry Springer episode...and I'm just completely exhausted of having things in my life turn out that way. What I said to you....well....it really didn't have much to do with you and therefore I should have just kept it to myself. I'm sorry again here. Like I said....my mind is in the "worst case possible frame of mind so it must be true or will become true," kind of thinking right now. I guess you might say I'm really, overly "on guard" about things right now and always expecting the worst to happen.
I question EVERYTHING i do and say right now....and need constant approval from people so that I can be reminded that my inner thinking is really off....instead of feeling confirmed in that kind of thinking about myself. I hate that about myself right now. I hate that I need constant affirmations from people in my life. I guess that's why...well....never mind.
J.B. if I lose your friendship over me acting this way...well that would suck, but I would understand because I'm just not very well right now. Last year when all this depression sh*t really got started...I lost my very best friend in the whole world....L.S.....you've probably at least seen him around the VFW....he's got a really good voice too and plays piano and guitar like not many others can’t. I loved him to death. I wasn't IN love with him, but he was my bestest bro. We even felt comfortable enough with each other that we would lay on the couch and cuddle up and watch a movie or even sleep in the same bed together or on the floor next to each other....and it didn't mean anything except that we were affectionate friends. Anyway, New years Day after we had had our traditional new years drunken slumber party that night....the next day when he sobered up....he began being a real a**hole around me and I called him on it. And he went off on me and refused to talk to me anymore after that. He just totally flipped out on me for no reason and then he even started telling people that he didn't want to hang out with me anymore because I was wanting us to be boyfriend and girlfriend and that I was acting like a jealous girlfriend. Well, truth is that he has more mental problems than I could ever dream of having...and I didn't want that kind of relationship with him. I wanted things to stay strictly platonic with him. Although, when I called him on his rude and hurtful actions that day...I can see how he could have chosen to taken it in that "OMGosh...she's acting like we've been screwing for weeks or months or something" kind of way. But that wasn't the case. I can explain it in more detail if you want...just ask and I'll tell you. Anyway, that's been what...nearly 10 months now...and he still refuses to say two words to me or even "hi"....as if I'm some totally horrible person that he now hates and despises and the last thing he would ever want to do is hang around someone like me again...See J.B., since I was a child....everyone I've ever come to care about....even people I thought were my best friends (guys and girls) and even my mom and dad and....well....everyone...they all end up deserting me or completely abandoning me. That's where much of my insecurities comes from...because you probably won't believe this, but I've never felt really loved unconditionally by ANYONE in my life. I'm just not lovable. That's sad....believe me...I know all too well, but it is the reality of who I am that always makes people want to run away from me. Nobody has ever wanted me....truly wanted me...except (my ex-fiancé)....and he's a sick, child molesting, b*st*rd. NO ONE else....HAS EVER stuck by me during times that I really needed somebody to care about ME. I'm always taking care of everyone else...in hopes that when I need people they might return a small portion of that back to me, but they don't. Like I said, I'm just not a lovable person that people want to be around for very long. That's a fact....so how fragile would your ego be...if you had felt that hurt, unloved and unwanted all your life? (there is of course a great many more things that I can't possibly explain it all here and now, that have added to me feeling this way, but some of those things include stuff I’ve endured like severe mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse throughout my childhood.) So I suppose the best way to describe myself in that respect is like that of "damaged goods." Maybe the cuts are so deep that they will never be able to heal. God I hope not because I've been working my a** off this past year to try my damnedest to "fix" myself. There is NOTHING anyone can say or do to help me do this...it's just gunna take me a lot of time, hard work and prayers to overcome....myself.
Hell...and that's how you seem to be reacting to me right now too....just like L.S.’s did…like the same "OMGosh...she's acting like we've been screwing for weeks or months or something," kind of way. And I can see where my words have made you think that too...but that's not it....it's just my own mental demons beating up my self-esteem and me trying to fend off any future attacks my ego might could possibly run into. I guess I'm being very overly protective of myself. That's probably the best way to explain it all.
You are very right...you HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG - NOTHING. And again, I'm terribly sorry for dragging you into the hell that is my mind right now.
And unfortunately, me and my sis don't have the kind of relationship where we can talk about things like "feelings" so I didn't even think to mention anything to her. Well, and because i think it's cool that she thinks your so cool, because like I said...she's never approved of any of my friends...guys or girls. And also....I didn't start thinking about things on that level until later after I had left her house last night. And also...because I'm not the kind of person who goes around telling people...."hey, I've got my reasons, but it bothers me that you want to become buddy, buddy with my bud so would you mind not doing that"...... I'm just not that kind of person. I'm not going to tell any body who they can or can't talk to, but IF I think it might affect me in some negative way....even some vague, way off down the road, almost completely unlikely way....then I'm gunna try to make sure that doesn't happen by telling people how I'm feeling....like I did with you in that last letter. Because I'm so overly sensitive to things right now that I just can't handle any real drama...even if there’s a 99.9999 percent chance that nothing will happen. I still HAVE to prepare myself for that .0001 percent chance of it becoming a reality situation in my life.
Like I said, I know how stupid and crazy and impatient and irrational and totally whacked all this sounds and I know that I am most likely all those things. I don't know what else to say about all that right now. Except that it's probably all true and therefore I completely understand if you don't want to continue talking to me any more....that will hurt some, I have to be honest, but that would still be completely understandable. This illness of mine seems to bring other people in my life down with it and no body deserves that......hell I know i sure as hell don't...and I'm the one with the problems here. You and others are just innocent by-standers getting hit in the face with it from time to time....and I don't even know how my mom has been able to continue to handle all my emotional problems and reactions this past year.

I guess that's why there are so many support groups for "families and friends of bipolars." Because no body knows how to handle the over-emotional, extremely reactive ways we tend to get at times....especially in times of severe depression (as in my case) or severe mania .(AND THIS JUST MAKES ME FEEL EVEN WORSE BECAUSE THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION HERE IS THAT ANYONE WHO WANT TO TRULY TRY AND MAINTAIN A FRIENDSHIP WITH ME RIGHT NOW….NEEDS SOME KIND OF THERAPY OF THEIR OWN JUST TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE BEING A TRUE FRIEND TO A BIPOLAR!!!!!!! How sick is that?….that if anyone cares enough about me…then they have to have be willing to do the whole therapy thing to understand me and the way my illnesses make me act and react? ….i didn’t put this bit in my letter to him though, these bold thoughts I’ve added just for you guys)

Well, I have to run for now...and besides I don't know what more I can say. This is just me right now. I'm completely wishy washy and overly sensitive and I think about things WAY too much right now and see everything as something to feel negativity about myself for....that's just the reality of my life at the moment. So I guess...there's nothing more to say besides "what ya see is what ya get....take it or leave it." its up to you and you have to do what's healthiest for you right now and not worry about me or my irrational, paranoid, almost delusional thinking and actions. Don't let me cause any upset in your life ....so therefore it’s sad, but true...but that really just tells me that you would probably be very wise to just keep your distance from me. That's not what I want, of course. But I've already impacted 2 of my other best friends lives in this kind of extreme way...and I don't want to bring anyone else down with me anymore...it's hard enough dealing with the "imagined" wrongs I feel I'm always inflicting on people....let-alone, the true wrongs I know I am inflicting or have inflicted on others. I just beat myself up until I'm a total bloody pulp that’s left...that's all. J.B., I'm just barely fell like I'm a shell of a person right now. It brings tears just thinking about how much pain I BRING ON myself. And not knowing how to get out of that and be able to feel like I can even live with myself and the person I appear to be to others. I'm tired of feeling this way all my life...I honestly dont' know how much longer I can take it all.
I'm sorry...you dont' know how truly sorry I am. Maybe some day I will get better and we will be able to still have some kind of friendship then...I don't know, but probably not. I fear that I may be this way for the rest of my life...I dont' know.....I hate myself so much. And the last thing I want to do is cause anyone else to need therapy because of having to deal with me and my craziness.
got to go now. I'm sorry. PLEASE forgive me for inadvertently bringing all this nonsense onto you....I'm just crazy....I see that now...I'm more crazy than I had even realized until just now....My doc once told me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself about being crazy because I'm not psychotic, but rather I'm just neurotic and that just means I have a few unique quirks about me and the way I think.... But the severe paranoia and other things that have become more clear to me now....well that's definitely psychotic...so maybe I am destined to be that "crazy" person people fear being around so much.
Really got to go now. I dont' know what I'm gunna do about all this, but don't worry, I'll be fine. I've got a pretty good system of support from people who know what I'm going through right now. I will just turn these realizations about myself over to them and let them help me deal with them all. It will be a healthy thing in the end, because I will be able to start really working on why I think the way I do and try to figure out if and how I can change all this. It's not your place or your job or obligation or ANYTHING to stick with me and deal with this kind of sh*t. So please don't worry about anything ....okay. Just let go and don't worry about me...I'll be fine....okay.
Thanks for all the smiles and laughs...J.B....you really are a wonderful person!
Hugs and God Bless,
Jenna
________________________

Okay…that’s pretty much everything except that luckily I had a depression/bipolar group therapy session to go to as soon as I finished the above e-mail and sent it. The 2 other girls who came to this very first meeting of this new effort of group therapy said they both TOTALLY knew exactly where I was coming from (Although, I didn’t go into any of the details about my sis or the phone play or anything). I just explained how I realized how my self-loathing and insecurities….become self-fulfilling prophecies on their own and it’s a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to step out of.

My therapist made a great analogy that: she knows of several people who are truly afraid of dogs and because of their fears, the dogs senses their fear and then the person usually ends up actually getting bit. Where, like with her for example…she’s never been scared or apprehensive about petting a dog…so she never gets bit…except once when she was 5 and stuck her hand into a car window to pet a dog she didn’t know.

That analogy makes a lot of sense to me…and why all my relationships fall apart so easily and often…b/c I expect that people won’t love me and will hurt me or "bite me" if you will….so I’m highly apprehensive and on guard….too guarded so that it ends up causing the exact opposite of what I want….they all back away from me instead of coming in closer and getting comfortable with just being around each other without there being any fear involved.

Does that make sense?

Well then I asked….how to you STOP being afraid of being emotionally hurt? There are clear cut ways for people to get over fear of dogs….because the object of their fear is a very physical thing that you can clearly see, define and approach a little bit at a time until you become actually comfortable being around the dog and petting it and cuddling or playing fetch or whatever.….

Love and emotions and relationships are NOT that easy. You can’t see exactly what you have to do to "fix" your fears of being hurt because it’s all in your mind…there’s not some magical formula of how to proceed so that the end result will be to get rid of that fear. At least not that I’m aware of anyway.

And then there’s the whole "magic pill" kind of thinking that most of us have dealt with where we just expect to be able to search enough to be able to find that one, easy, "Oh…Okay…so I just do A, B and C in that order and I’m cured!"

That’s the hard part I think I’m having trouble with. I definitely believe my thinking is healthier than it was a year ago…when my final e-mail response to J.B. would probably have been to tell him off for being so "un-understanding" and jumping to conclusions about where my words and thoughts were coming from.. But now, I can greatly respect the fact that he even cared enough to not get mad at me and do the same thing. Instead, he wrote me and asked me to clarify….something that my other 2 former best friends never bothered to do. They didn’t WANT to try to understand because either they just couldn’t for their own reasons or they just didn’t really care enough to try and understand. I don’t know, but I felt lucky that he gave me a chance to TRY and explain things as best as I could. So in that regard…I’ve definitely come a long way from a year ago.

Another thing we discussed in group was how people like us often feel like burdens to the people who do care enough about us to want to understand and help us through the rough patches. I said yea…why should or would ANYONE want to go through all the trouble of attending group therapy and learning about my illness just so they can be my friend? That’s just not fair to them?

And she said…."Well might there actually be some things that they might gain from having you as a friend in return?"

And of course my answer is yes because I do believe that I am a very loving and giving person and have recently discovered that I actually CAN be fun to be around and interact with more than I would have ever guessed (actually, I’ve always believed the total opposite of that). But still….and we didn’t get to go this far in therapy, but…..still that seems like a lot for somebody to go through to be MY friend, when there are a lot of other people out there who are just as loving and caring and fun as I am…and even more so…who the person wouldn’t HAVE to deal with this stuff with them. So why spend their time and energy with me instead of someone else like me without the baggage…to put it a little simpler?

Well, I’ve felt a little shaky today by all of this, of course, but I also feel some empowerment by realizing how my actions and feelings affect the lives of others so much so that it comes back around to me in the negative way that I was trying to avoid in the first place….so…that’s what I’m gunna think on for a few more days or weeks or months, years….however long it takes.

This is the end of a chapter that I intend to include in my book someday….so PLEASE share ANY thoughts or feelings that you may be having on this whole complicated, but important aspect of the affects of depression and low self-esteem set a person up for failure in friendships and romantic relationships..

My eyes feel like they’ve been open and I just pray I can continue to build on this for my continued efforts toward total recovery of heart, spirit, body, mind and soul.

God Bless you all for being with me right now….and for reading through this exhausting, in-depth look at this subject in my life.

May we all find lots of love, self-esteem and self-respect within ourselves and from learning from others here at SR.

Hugs,
Jenna

P.S. I’ve smoked a WHOLE pack of cigs in the 3 hours it’s taken me to put this all together….LOL…so I gotta make a smoke run now! And when I get back, I’m gunna give my mind a rest and just find a movie or something to watch to try and give my brain a rest for today… cause I feel like I’ve just made it to the top of the first major mountain that stands in my way toward total recovery. Whew….what a climb!

shutterbug

One more quick thing/question....At the end of his main letter he wrote:

"Well...its lunch time and I have to run ....but I wanted to get this sent to you so you wouldn't think there is some mysterious plot or hatred out there against ya that you didn't know about. LOL! Anyhow...I'll talk at ya later."

My old, highly trained, P-doc use to have me taking what I believe was 100 mg of Seroguel daily (or what is Abilify?...I can't remember what the Abilify was for...) for mild paranoia because I had told him that when I'm in situations like at work and two or more people would be huddled together talking quietly....I would automatically start wondering and thinking that they were talking about me....like I thought I had E.S.P. or something LOL.

Anyway...this new (state provided) P-doc...who I've questioned her competence from the get-go for several reasons I won't bore you with, but she took me off of the meds for paranoia (she said taking 5 different kind of meds at the same time was too much and that she only wanted me on four different ones). So I was like..."Ok, sure"...because I never really thought my mild parania had much affect on my life. I've now been off that med for about 5/6 months.

If you've read this thread...and in looking directly at his comments in this particular spot...do you guys think I should ask my doc to put me back on something for paranoia?

It just struck me by surprize that he would make such a statement...about thinking people people are plotting against me...because i don't think he really knows very much about mental health and well...and yet, that's pretty much the definition of severe parania wrapped up in his one little sentence to me?

So I'm thinking I must have more of a problem with paranoia than I'm realizing and should get back on the meds....Anyone agree?

ryanjosef

we tend to take things in a diferent way then most, we see things diferently then most therefor our reactions are misunderstood and read differently then what we had in mind. We are not paraniod or nuts or phsycotic we are just misunderstood on many levels. We are insicure beings every one is insicure about one thing or another. the best thing we can do in situations that didnt go as well as we would have like well we go on and find something to replace the bad i know that its not always possable to do this. Do not let this bother or hurt you this is like throwing a marble into a pond the splash and ripple are on the pond a fleeting moment that is quikly gone focus your heart upword twards the surface insted at the bottom where the marble lyes. Oki
Grassa hoppa. And there are freinds out there that love you no matter what but thats what TRUE friends are and do.

shutterbug

guys....gosh I re-read this whole thing from start to finish and I'm such a slow reader that it took me more than 30 minutes to get to the end....I'm sorry for dragging anyone through such nonsense.

I thought I was feeling okay about an hour or two ago when I have finally finished all of this mess, but I'm doing REALLY, REALLY bad right now.

Ryan...and to everyone else....gosh...I know how trivial this big damn thread of bull-sh*t sounds...and in reality...it really really is....

I don't really know how to explain it, but this little, tiny, itsy-bitsy slam to my ego that started this whole ordeal....was just the last little hair landing on the camels back and sending me out of control.

I don't understand why all of this has triggered such dangerous emotions and feeling and thoughts in me right now...I really thought I was fine just a little bit ago, but now...I'm really kinda scared that I'm alone at the moment. I'm scared of myself and what I might do. I've never felt like this before. I mean, yeah...I've had intrusive suicidal thoughts more times than I care to count..

But NOTHING like how I am feeling right now....I feel worthless and like I dont' even deserve to be taking up space on this earth or using up other people's air from my body being alive and functioning at this moment.

I don't even know what I'm saying or thinking or feeling anymore...I just feel like I'm totally loosing control of myself. I actually FEEL like I'm loosing my mind and not making any sense about anything and no body really cares...and I'm so impatient and I even see things like... other people having lives and because of that them not having enough time to talk to me and help me immediately...as a sign that they don't really give a **** about me or else they would KNOW that I need them and I need them NOW.

God I am pathetic. and totally not even making sense to myself anymore...I can't even imagine what all this f***ing Sh*t must look like to others....I think I would be totally doing the world a favor right now if I went down town and climbed to the top of one of the oldest buildings in town and leap off of it. At least maybe I would feel some freedom for a moment as my body fell freely as the wind rushes over me. All I would have to do is close my eyes, count to 3, 4, 5...and ....it's all over. ALL of it! And there's no surviving a 10 story fall onto concrete so I dont' have to worry about f***ing even that up and ending up lying in a hosptial bed or paralysed from the neck down for the rest of my life being kept alive by machines and feeding tubes. I've never understood how people "attempt" to kill themselves....what's there to attempt? I mean...you either want to do it or you don't and if your gunna do it...why not do it right...! Just my thoughts on the subject. Not that anybody cares. I know a lot of people who would be glad to see me gone adn not wasting their time anymore. Hell I'm even wasting the time of who ever is reading these words right now. so I'm not going to write any more here. I'm gunna sit here for a few minutes and see if somebody cares enough to e-mail me soon and see if maybe they can somehow make me feel any better...which I doubt...but I only feel like waiting for a few minutes, because everytime I hit "check mail" on me e-mail and it keeps coming back up with J.B.'s last e-mail starring right in my face....I just can't take that right now.

So maybe I can just make myself go to sleep somehow....I don't know...starting not to even care...

shutterbug

update....coast is clear at the moment...the whatever kind of break-down I was having earlier let up about as quick as it came on.

I've got my mind off of all this stuff finally and will have to keep it that way until I am better equipped to deal with it without freaking out and hating myself even more and more...over stupid stuff.

Sorry for wasting server space with this thread.

Pray for me still though...if you would,
Jenna

Bozo

Step One-STOP WORRYING about what other people think.

Step Two-STOP BEATING yourself up.

Just for today, practice those two simple things.

KatieRose

Jenna,

I'll be praying for you for as long as you need me too. Feel free to vent. I'm always here to listen.

Katie

bikewench

Jenna....

all our thoughts are valid...

I get times as well when I start thinking that no one wants to hear about my shyte...

but.. deep down... I know that I have to get it out... so that I can look at it...
it's amazing the insights I've had after I've puked my brains all over this place... ;o)
sometimes I just go back and delete it if I can catch it before the edit goes off....lol


and...

sometimes.... it helps other people that are thinking the exact same thing... and it gives them courage to write down the tripe in their heads...
that's how we get well....

baby steps gurl...
your doing good.

Don W

shutterbug, Don't ever feel sorry for sharing here. I don't care about the length. To keep that much stuff bottled up would be far worse. Those of us that read it, do it by choice. This is because we care about you. I might be off base saying this but, I think you need to replace the microscope you're useing to view your life, with binoculars. When I read your responses to others with problems you sound like a different person.
I think this is like myself for a long time. I needed to get outside myself. I still have problems with it but, my outlook on life changes when I turn the binoculars around. Believe me I understand this is difficult. However, people come in and out of our lives. After they leave there is only YOU. This is why building a strong foundation is important. By getting all this out in the open, this is what you're doing. Look at this like building a house. You build a strong foundation. Then you start framing in. This is what you are doing now. Like the framing of a house, you really can't see the progress.When we dought ourself, we cling onto everything and everyone for dear life. We feel we've lost a piece of ourself when they leave. That is because we took on a piece of them to fill a gap. This is like taking a piece from another puzzle to replace a missing piece. You might get it to fit but, you'll never be whole. I did and still do this. A friend would move on and I'd convice myself it was because of me. I would then over compensate by changing to attract them back. I would sell my soal to keep someone from leaving. Then like you feel guilt and embarrassed and even angry that I did it. Someone described me one time as somebody running around with umbilical cord in hand, looking to plug into someone. I was angry at the time but, came to believe it was true. You see, I needed someone to fill the empty void in my life. The void however, could only be filled by myself. Be yourself, I don't think that phone call thing was you. I suggest that you set standards for you. People will either like you or not but, to change the standards to try and keep someone in your life won't work. Even if they stayed, you'd have to continue to be someone else. I was 2 people for many years. I think one of the more shamefull things was putting up with someone that was predjudice. My Granddaughter's and Grandson's father is from Jamiaca. I would sit with this guy that would say all kinds of bad things about blacks. Although I didn't join in, I didn't say anything or move away. I thought the friendship was so important, I lowered my standards to keep it. I'd be so filled with shame after that I'd drink even more. I guess what I'm saying is, if this person was being a friend because of the phone sex thing, I don't think he was a true friend. He used your low self esteem to take advantage of you. Like I said, I could be off base but, so much of what you post refects my posts when I first came around. You have many friends here. And our friendship is unconditional. You can be you here. Don W

splendra

((jenna)))

Has anyone ever told you that you are a very good writer? I have always loved reading your stuff cause you use your words so well. The only parts I have trouble with is when you say bad things about yourself so could you please cut that next time you write? Cause I think you are a very intelegent articulate person who also has a big heart and I just can't stand it when whatever voice it is that says bad things about you right here in front of God and everybody. You seem to refer to yourself and actions as stupid so stop it okay? Okay! I said Okay?

Don W

splendra, I'll 3rd that OKAY! Strange how the meanest person to us in many cases is ourselves. We'll give everyone else the benifit of the dought. Us? it is always hard ball.
Even when we say we did something good, we throw a "BUT" in there. Thank God we make progress. Only it takes others at times to see it. Jenna? We see it in you. I've had some success with affirmation. Each time I think or talk badly about myself I speak up and contridict it. Of course sometimes I forget and talk out loud in public to myself. Of course there is a reward. I get the whole seat on the bus to myself. Don W

Pip56

My dear Jenna, Tonight I have not been lonely as I have spent all evening with you! I reread all your posts AGAIN up to page 6 then something happened and I couldn't get the rest of the pages up. I was rereading them for inspiration because YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION. YOU ARE A WINNER. Reading again about what you have come through and what you have overcome is awesome. Then I came to the new posts hoping to hear how you are currently doing (Think I am begining to understand the
different sites etc.) Although I am sorry you are beating yourself with a big stick I am full of admiration for your honesty and the work you are doing to better understand yourself. You gave me great comfort and encouragement. I will pass you on some information about the things I am interested in in the personal development area but at the minute my stuff is all boxed up as I am having major renevations done in my home. That's a story all on its own. So I will have to ask for your patience on that part. However you might want to check out a book by John Bradshaw called Homecoming. Jenna you are a truely valuable person. Thank you for being the you you are because you have entered my life in a very precious way.

shutterbug

Bozo...for me...especially right now...me trying to stop worrying and beating myself up is about as hard as trying to tell myself to stop breathing so much and to stop eating ---> just not gunna happen no matter how much I try. But you're absolutely right in knowing that's what I really need to do.

It's like when I was talking to a girl a while back and I was bitching about my weight and

((((((SCREAM)))))))))!!!!!!! i just lost like a whole page of journaling....I'm mad cuz I don't feel like typing it all out again!

I'm gunna have to let it go for now...and try and come back some other time and repeat it all....man and I hot right now....I could just throw something!

shutterbug

Ok...let's try again. What I was trying to say was:

Bozo...for me...especially right now...me trying to stop worrying and beating myself up is about as hard as trying to tell myself to stop breathing so much and to stop eating ---> just not gunna happen no matter how much I try. But you're absolutely right in knowing that's what I really need to do.

It's like when I was talking to a girl a while back and I was bitching about my weight and not having any energy to clean up my house (my environment). I know that working on these 2 issues would REALLY help me feel much better all the way around, but there was/is no amount of will power that is gunna make me able to do ANY thing about these 2 issues right now. She even went so far as to say something to the fact as "buck up and just do it" - which pissed me off cuz I'm tired of people not understanding and thinking it's all out of laziness and lack of will power! She was telling me that she understood my situation b/c she's dealing with depression too...but I wanted to scream at her that she didn't have a CLUE what REAL major -depression is like! I mean...this is how I "tried" to explain it....in that I literally sit here day after day trying to psych myself into getting up and getting at least a few things done. People try to say to pick one thing and then do that, then pick 3 more things then do them...then so on and before you know it...you're off to the races...right? Well I use to be able to do that where if I could just make myself get up and get going that I would build up steam and find myself energized and motivated to do more ( a lot actually...cuz once I really get going I often go non-stop all through the night until I feel I have completed at least all the major tasks I wanted to get to). Well that just doesnt' work that way anymore for me (at least not right now).

After psyching myself out to just get up and tend to one small thing (like taking out the trash) well...I could make myself do that one thing...but then wanting to move on to getting a load of laundry in the washing machine, but being completely exhausted from taking out the trash that I had to sit back down. It’s the damnedest thing. It’s like I have the body of a 90-year-old (or older)….I liken it to that of what a cancer patient must be going through in the hight of chemo (kemo? Sp?). The generaly public/society would never look at a cancer patient who’s undergoing an extreme battery of kemo treatments and say, "You’re just lazy and don’t have enough will power to get out of bed and take care of your life!" and it boggles me that the majority of people see me that way…..but I can’t tell them, "hey, just imagine that I have cancer and have that same kind of understanding for me." Comparing myself to a cancer patient looks bad on me b/c people can now say, "She’s depressed, so what, but NOW she’s saying that’s like having cancer! I’ve been depressed before and it’s not like that - not even close. How dare she try to get sympathy by telling people such a grossly exaggerated thing?!"

I mean, even among this forum and among the group therapies I’ve been involved in…there are only a handful of people who I feel truly understand what it’s like to live in this body and mind of mine right now. That’s a hard pill to swallow because that means so few people REALLY can even try and grasp it all…and therefor understand why my life is such a total mess and why I put myself down so much and beat myself up. Because damn it! I’m superwoman! And it’s just a matter of tapping into those super natural powers!

Anyway, it must sound outragious to say…but I wish people could view my disease just like they would view somebody with severe cancer….because I can’t imagine anything feeling or being any more hellish than this is. It’s all I can do right now to even be sitting up and typing this….and anything I’m ever able to do more than this…means that I have REALLY pushed myself (or I’ve flipped into hypomania). It just makes me want to cry right now. I mean…hell…my damn hairs even falling out from being so stressed! And WHAT in God’s name could "I" have to be STRESSED about (I don’t work, my mom worries about my bills for me and I really have no true responsibilities other than feeding and watering myself!)

Anyway…just one of my many soapboxes in life….and the saddest part is that I even know exactly what it’s like to be on the other side of the shoe and not be able to understand all this….because I was completely un-understanding with my aunt who was in this exact same situation before she died. And GOD!!! Know I feel like a total ass for not being able to even give her the benefit of the doubt. I just thought she had completely stopped trying and that it was also a result of the prescription addiction….I now know that the prescription overdosing was the only way she was able to find some relief from this hell. Because as much as I hate addictive scripts….the last few days have REALLY sent my mind wanting to go to the doc for some Xanex or something…and some of you know how much I dispise that drug. My dad once had a script for a true "happy" pill several years ago…I had a really bad day, bad headache and was so miserable that he gave me half of one of these tiny pills…within a matter of minutes…I felt on top of the world, energized, motivated, ready to take on anything that could come my way and have a smile on my face through it all! I decided right then and there that I could NEVER get a prescription to that med b/c I would definitely become addicted to it. But these last several days have had me thinking that the risk would be worth it just to even be able to escape this hell for an hour or so….and I could just keep a close watch and limit myself on taking them. I don’t think I will get a script from a doc…but if this continues much longer…it might be between taking a highly-potentially, addictive med OR killing myself. So I don’t know anything any more than those 2 things to try and give me a little bit of relief. And my faith is wavering a little because prayer doesn’t seem to be helping me either….things just keep getting worse.

Don….you are absolutely right in that I am two different people trapped in the same mind. EVERYTHING in my life is a constant internal debate….even something as small as, "what is my favorite color!" The constant back and forth game of tennis in my head is about to send me flying out of control. I am literally 2 polar opposites right now. With others, I turn myself into this co-dependent, overly helpful, mental-illness guro…but with myself I have no sympathy or understanding because I am living it all and hold myself up to such impossible standards that none of my research, therapy, knowledge, caring heart has no affect on me. I need to turn the microscope into a telescope and start looking at the beautiful stars in the sky and the infineate number of possiblities out there instead of looking deep into the earth bound mud puddle and disecting every little peice of dirt that’s all wet and mushy, black and dirty. It just seems like God has only chosen to equip me with the microscope right now and that I can’t afford to buy a telescope (cause I purposely damaged the last one I had because the dreaming seemed to not be meant for me….my dreams always lead to disappointment and heartache…so therefore I try to forget and surpress my own dreams in favor of trying to help others find theirs. Just because my dreams are hopelessly lost to me….that doestn’ mean that others are in the same boat so if I can’t have MY dreams…I want to help others find THEIRS….makes sense?) Every time I dare to dream, especially about love….I get punched in the face and get my teeth knocked out….well, imagine a little, broken girl with no teeth left to knock out…she wouldn’t dare risk doing anything that would get the crap beaten out of her again…instead she would try to do the opposite…the most LEAST likely thing to keep her from being hurt again. Well, I guess, putting myself down and then lifting others up…is my opposite direction from potential hurt.

Just like this little insignificant phone thing….it was only a slap in the face, but it still hurt and brought my mind back to all the beatings I have received in my life. It makes me want to go even more inside of myself and hide from the world because everytime I even go along with someone else just to have a bit of fun…well….the result is to detrimental to my well-being. SO if I just stop pinning after love and friendship and just keep to myself…then no one can ever hurt me again…right? Right!

And in dealing with others who are hurting….all I want to do is give them what I can’t have or haven’t had in my life….love and support and understanding. If I can’t have it…at least it feels a little nice to be able to give some of that to others. Perhaps for the same reason I’ve wanted a child so much for about 5 years now….because I want to love and care for a child like no body did for me.

And here’s another thing that’s on my mind: I feel ungrateful for not appriciating what things I HAVE had in my life….because I truly have been blessed in many ways with the things I’ve been able to do and acoomplish. I mean, I’ve done more in my relatively short 29 years than most people will get to do in a life time. Just my jobs alone have given me that. I mean, here I was in college attending big college football and basketball games from the closest vantage points available (right on the side lines where only the players and cheerleaders are otherwise allowed) all while not only did I not pay a dime to get into the game when other people paid big money just to even sit high in the stands, but I was actually getting paid to be there! I’ve stood backstage at concerts, met famous people, personally know my state’s govenor and family, my pics are even framed and in the govenor’s mansion and I’ve even attended a pool party with them all in their pool that’s in the shape of my state. How many people can say they’ve done that?!!!! Heck even when I go to a carnival or fair…all I have to do is tell the farris wheel operator that I want to take pics of the scene from a high vantage point and he lets me ride for free….everything I attend as a photojournalist works that way. Heck, even RIGHT NOW there’s a job opening for a photojournalist who is comfortable spending days and weeks camping, hiking, skiing, fishing, hunting, cycling, climbing and everything else outdoorsy that people pay big money to do during their vacation times…and if I was physically fit still, I would even pay big money to do myself…and yet here’s a job opening right up my alley that would allow me not only to do it all for free, but bring in a paycheck for doing it too!! And not only that…because of my "talents" many of those things bring in big awards and recognition’s for my work! I am truly blessed that I have the ability to do a job that isn’t real work….it’s total fun! And to be good at what I do. (And see how and why I feel so egotistical all the time!?!)

So WHAT IN THE WORLD do "I" have to b*tch about!!!!!!!!!!! There are people all over the world RIGHT NOW who will NEVER be able to have half of that in their entire lives. And who have truly been physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, abused….much, much more than I could ever imagine.

And I always hesitate talking about this part of my life because of appearing ungrateful and egotistical all in the same moment…but my work/career/passion of photography/my accomplishments are all such a HUGE part of my life and what makes me feel even half-way like being in this world. And even also: I feel God is calling me to use the journalist and compassionate talents he’s given me along with these traumatic lessons about mental illness/addictions/co-dependency/abuse to help others not to feel alone in all this pain. I have felt called for a while now to write books to help people like us…but that I HAVE to go through all of this in order to be successful in that. In my best moments I feel I am destined to change a lot of people’s lives and bring this illness out of the closet and educate society about how truly destroying this crap is…and that THESE THINGS are all part of why teenage suicide is one of the number one killers in America. I literally have aspirations of saving people’s lives…..HOW EGOTISTICAL IS THAT!!!!!!) And even now, here at SR alone, I feel bad about myself for not having the energy to focus on helping very many other people because I’m too busy using the small amount of energy I have in dealing with my own life!

So Don….the point I’m getting to (in a long, drawn-out way) is that YES!!! I am two different people. My life and my thinking is one giant YING-YANG!!!!! And I’m about to not be able to handle it much longer cause the constant battle in my brain is just TOO much and is always going…and is quickly building up into what feels like world war III!!

KatieRose…..THANK YOU!!!!!

Bikewench…you said: "but.. deep down... I know that I have to get it out... so that I can look at it...
it's amazing the insights I've had after I've puked my brains all over this place... ;o)
sometimes I just go back and delete it if I can catch it before the edit goes off....lol"

I also know that I have to get this junk out of my trunk and that it eventually helps in some small way or another…and I have had insights which I’m so thankful for…and that it’s much easier for me to type these thoughts somewhere than to write them by hand in my journal….but I never can make myself go back and delete any of it. I have so many thoughts that always go through my head that I’m afraid that I might miss something if I don’t keep everything I write. (And well, I’m one big giant pack rat on all fronts…I just can’t throw anything out…or even give it away…LOL) And of course, it sometimes helps when you guys yell at me and tell me to start being realistic with myself and stop being so impatient. And of course just knowing that people care enough to read my ramblings and such and even go beyond that to offer me love, compassion and encouragement. I’m grateful for all of that even though I may not always sound like I am. So thanks for all who listen and all who respond! Cause that’s what I can’t do for myself…compassion and encouragement…so I can only get that from others…and since so few people care enough to give it that just brings me down more because it strengthens my own self-hatred….so all of you who put up with me and care that much are all I really have to hang onto right now. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Don…I’m building my house, but it keeps raining and getting the wood wet and then I have to try and be patient while it all dries out so I can start working on it again before the sky starts growing black and preparing to dump all over me again…haha….it feels like it’s such a long, slow process that my house will never be finished and I often feel like giving up and sometimes wish the dark clouds would bring a F5 tornado to rip it all apart so that I won’t have to deal with it any more…I could finally give up then….

And yeah…I feel and see myself clinging onto the support posts (that are other people and things) so that the tornado doesn’t completely blow me away with everything else.

You said…"A friend would move on and I'd convince myself it was because of me. I would then over compensate by changing to attract them back. I would sell my soul to keep someone from leaving. Then like you feel guilt and embarrassed and even angry that I did it. Someone described me one time as somebody running around with umbilical cord in hand, looking to plug into someone."

That’s exactly IT!!! I haven’t found the other belly button to plug my umbilical cord onto yet!

But I don’t know how to plug that thing into myself…and I’ve even tried plugging it into God like ever other Christian will tell us is the real secret to filling that void. So actually, I fill more like I’m just wandering around blind with my umbilical cord in my hand and actually afraid now to plug it into someone or something….because ever time I’ve attempted that in the past, I’ve caught a horrible virus from it. So I’m just basically walking around lost and weak….wanting desperately to plug it in…but too afraid to even try any more cause I’m convinced that I’ll never find the right puzzle pieces to fit and make me whole – until I’m dead and hopefully in the arms of my Lord and being healed by his grace. I really think that this reality/world IS hell!!!!! and our job is to either give up and let it overcome us or never give up and continue trying to find our way out until we either do or the world ends all together. It’s a never ending battle.

And you said this: "I think one of the more shameful things was putting up with someone that was prejudice."….I did this too in my last relationship. I’ve NEVER let anyone say the "N" word around me, not my mom or any of my friends…I would tell them that it’s not all right to talk like that around me and if they wanted to be around me then they would have to not talk like that. But with Bret….I fought him on it at first (really the ONLY thing we fought about and never could agree on)…but he just continued to tell me that he worried about me because I trusted black people so much and I was gunna seriously get hurt someday if I didn’t learn to be careful around them. He said he had even had a best friend who was black and he called him a "N" too….and therefore he’s not ever gunna stop using that word. And even though he had this best friend, he said that person was an exception to the norm and that all I have to do is pick up the paper or turn on the news and see that most crimes are committed by blacks…that they are genetically more aggressive and crap like that. Well, we fought each other tooth and nail for the longest time because he truly believed I was gunna be my overly trusting self and get myself into a situation that would get me raped or killed. He honestly believed that and desperately tried to teach me how to protect myself by not being too trusting. Anyway…toward the end of our relationship (this is the part that I’m ashamed of) I started finding myself not fighting with him about it any more and just telling him that he was right….and inside I was honestly trying to find ways to come to agree with him about things…because I loved him THAT much….well, actually it was more of a nasty obsession. But THAT, the way I was trying to change my thinking to match his a little more closely….that was not me AT ALL!!!

You also said, "if this person was being a friend because of the phone sex thing, I don't think he was a true friend. He used your low self esteem to take advantage of you." Well, he wasn’t just being a friend b/c of the phone sex thing…that was just something he really wanted to do with me b/c of our teenage history together (cuz I came REALLY close to loosing my virginity with him…but didn’t and he didn’t understand it AT ALL at the time….he still hadn’t understood it until this year when we started hanging out together…cuz that was one of the first things I talked to him about…was some questions I carried around all these years about that). I had been like a teen-age fantasy to him and I it crushed him when I told him no…after doing just about everything else…And right now, he’s at a point in his other relationship where it’s gotten cold in the bedroom…so anyway…that kind of explains all that. I think everything would have been fine if I would have stuck by my guns and only gone ahead on the straight and narrow with him like my inner self was telling me I should be doing. But there was a part of me that still wanted to "be" with him and having him desire me so much was a big turn on and made me really feel good about myself (and I think you guys can understand why I had a need to feel good about myself right now…and he did REALLY make me feel that way….he is very attracted to me even with the weight and I never thought anybody besides my psycho ex-fiancé would). He made me feel beautiful, sexy and desired….I mean here was somebody who actually wanted to be around ME!!!

I think my immediate and intense reactions after the phone thing (which would have eventually led to much more and then I would have REALLY felt bad about myself for doing that)…well I think it all scared him away because he was afraid of what I might REALLY do if things ever continued or went further. I told him how emotional I am and that sex always makes me become even more emotional about a person. And he has real reasons to be afraid that as crazy as I am…that I might some day show up at his house and go crazy or something and ruin his current relationship and make life really difficult for him I wouldn’t do such a thing…but I can see why he would be scared that I could be very easily capable of doing things like that.

So I haven’t heard a word from him since I sent that last letter telling him that it would probably be in his best interest to back away from me and not have to deal with my craziness right now. I was hoping that he wouldn’t though…because he does have some life experience with bipolars and such…and I thought if ANY non-bipolar would be able to understand me…that he would and would chose to remain friends…so I am still hurting that he has apparently chosen to not take a chance on anything causing him real problems. I’ve even thought over the last couple of days about writing him another letter and telling him basically what I just said and that I understand him making the choice he has….and am thankful that he even ASKED me to explain my actions whereas my other 2 friends didn’t even care enough to give me that…and just tell him how it still hurts regardless…and that I wish he could have least written me back and told me about his decision and his thinking about why that’s the best decision for him…BUT…then that thought is immediately followed by…"would that really help anything at all?" Well, I think the answer is that it couldn’t result in anything that would help me feel better and would most likely make me hurt even more…so for now anyway…I’ve decided to leave it all alone…just hurts a lot though because it’s just one more confirmation that people don’t ever stick around in my life….and that (at least the last 3 friends) HAS been my fault. Anyway, I can’t talk about that much more because I’m already starting to cry. He DID use my low self-esteem to take advantage of me though….but I don’t think it was something he did on purpose.

Splendra and Don…I understand why you both want me to stop talking bad about myself…but if I stop writing it down…it’s still gunna remain in my head and in my head there’s nobody else there to tell me that I’m wrong in my thinking about myself (even though when you guys tell me that it’s hard for me to believe it)

For example: Splendra…you said: "Has anyone ever told you that you are a very good writer? I have always loved reading your stuff cause you use your words so well. The only parts I have trouble with is when you say bad things about yourself so could you please cut that next time you write?"

At first it really made me feel good that you said you think I’m a good writer and that you enjoy reading my stuff because of how I use my words….but my second thought is this…"naw…she’s just saying that because she knows I’m a writer by trade and therefore looking at the things I’ve "boasted" about and trying to make me feel better by trying to reinforce that thinking.. Then I think…well, even if I’m wrong about her motivations for saying such things….then she is the only one who thought that enough to say anything to me about it in more than a year of me writing on here. I know that I don’t worry about my writing as much as I worry about just trying to explain myself…but I figured that SOMEBODY would have said something already about the way I write if I actually was a decent writer…so nope…I must not be as decent as I even had hoped might possibly be true."

And my next thought falls to your next sentence and takes me back to J.B. (the phone guy) telling me not to talk bad about myself either…that instead I should try more to be "upbeat" because it makes it easier on other people and that’s why HE is upbeat all the time, because it’s more comfortable for people to WANT to be around somebody who’s not so negative all the time…so he just jokes a lot and makes people smile and laugh all the time instead. And then, of course, he told me that I think too much.

Well all that all of those things say to me is that nobody likes me when I am being myself because the way I talk about myself here is the reality of things (actually it doesn’t’ even come close to how really bad things are in my head). And if I’m not writing here about my true thoughts about myself and my life then I’m keeping them bottled up. Me being negative about myself all the time is the true REALITY of what it is like to be ME right now. I can’t help that…I can’t change my thinking about all this right now. So people here are telling me to be myself and not worry about what OTHERS think of me…but then nobody wants to hear the REAL me. It hurts. It’s that ying-yang, tug of war thing going on again inside me.

And I’ve tried what Don said somewhere about when I think a negative thought about myself then to immediately SPEAK the complete opposite of that. I was actually over-joyed when a lovely woman in my day-treatment program told me this and how much it really worked for her. BUT THEN, I tried doing it…even within the last couple of days I tried it again…and it feels completely fake and like a huge lie…and it’s really, really hard and totally uncomfortable for me to say those things. My old day-treatment therapist even talked to me about being able to look in the mirror and like the person I see….just thinking about looking in the mirror and examining myself makes me cry now….cause that stuff is NOT TRUE. I hate people who lie….so how can I possibly make myself lie to myself every day…and especially lie to myself outloud? It just feels TOO uncomfortable and wrong to make myself say or think the opposite of how I feel and think. Because that’s just NOT me.

See…this whole long post is one big representation of how my mind works on a daily/hourly basis about myself…in constant mayhem…I never get a break from hashing through EVERYTHING in my life! I’m so very tired of it all.

Anyway, I’m too tired to type any more and this is more than plenty for anybody to want to read when it has nothing to do with them or their situation or life…so later..

P.S….I LOVE the new Carl’s Jr. Commercial with the guy shaking the Cow to promote the restaurant now offering milk shakes. I LOVE IT!!!! Makes me really like that guy in the commercial because what fun he must be to be around to feel comfortable being that silly on national television…makes me really attracted to him. Then my next thought….he must be an alcoholic or addict cause 99.9 percent of all the guys I’m ever attracted to are one or the other….Anyway, I wish I had that commercial on tape because it’s my favorite of all time! I ALWAYS notice it when it comes on….the advertising guru/genius who came up with that one…I’m thankful too…cause at least there’s one thing to make me smile today.

HUGS,
Jenna

splendra

(((jenna)))

I believe I am very well qualified to say that you write well....If I have not praised your writing skills before please forgive me. I did not know for a fact that you are a professional writer but, it certainly does show that you are a very good writer.

I do not waste my typing on false compliments besides what possible ulterior motive could I have for saying you write well? Maybe you do not trust people saying something good about you....

I am also a writer and a big reader as well. I read at least 10 books a week. I am a very fast reader. So write girl write....

shutterbug

Pip...wanted to make a post just specifially to yours. Cant' thank you enough for your comments. I will have to hash more about what you and Splendra have said about my writing/journaling....cus I just can't contemplate somebody reading all my writtings once let alone twice! I’m really boggled by that.

As for the different sites….I think I am calling this thread "Part 2" of my on-going journal and talks with you guys (cuz the other one had gotten too long anyway…and well it’s the beginning of the second year of my struggles…so it’s fitting I think to start a new one…just not too happy about the way I’ve started out on this one -but that’s the reality of things I guess)

Thank you for saying I’m an inspiration to you…that’s ulitimately what I wish for…is to help others who are going through these things….I just don’t have the energy to ACTIVELY do much helping others…so if somebody gets ANYTHING out of my ramblings…then that does make me feel like it’s not all been in vain and that it’s better that I post it all here instead of keeping it tucked away in a computer file somewhere. So thanks much for helping me feel and believe that I should continue writing here.

No worries about any hurry to find the personal development stuff. Take your time sis. I’m just an information guru when it comes to all this stuff…it’s really about the only thing I feel any motivation for in life right now (except for talking with my new and bestest best friend every day for the past month who I am completely and totally in love with). I try to make myself read around in my books I have…but it takes less energy some how when I get the info straight from people who can understand some of what my life is like right now. Anyway…really, really glad to have you come into my life and my recovery efforts…your background of education in this whole area is something I look forward to learning from as you have the time and energy to share it here….and don’t feel like you have to post it only in my threads (cus the majority of people who prolly could use the beneficial things you have access to…prolly don’t have the energy to drudge through my threads…cus I talks 2 much… So please….post topical threads of your own as you feel like it…it will not only help me and others, but it will help you too to be able to see feedback from them!

Yeah, the big stick, I think, is even the "unknown entity" of what’s even chasing me around in my dreams every night.

Oh…for you and all others….when I’m jabbering and say a word or words that anybody doesnt’ understand the meaning to….don’t pay it no mind…cus usually I think I make up my own words…LOL! Cus some of them I’ve tried looking up in the dictionary and they don’t seem to exist (at least not in my small copy)…funny one though -Ã* "unconscienceness" ( I know that "unconscience" is a word and I know that "conscienceness" is a word, but put the two together and I think that’s my own made-up word…..LOL …the spell check in Word doesn’t even recognize it as a real word….lol….actually I see now that Word doesn’t recognize ANY of those three? The only one it will bring up is "conscienceless." Hummm…gunna hafta think about that a little. Although, I did pick up a lot of words from my peers and editors while working as a writer for 3 years…and the giant dictionary we had at work was about a foot in width…so maybe they do exist…I dunno…don’t really care much either…just don’t want ya’ll to think I’m ‘all knowing’ or anything like that…cus I’m not.

Hey…tell me all about the renevations at your home when and if you feel up to it…I like things like that…I like to dream about things that hopefully some day I will get to do too…like my sis turning a small bedroom into a luxury bath with a hot tub and all….that kind of stuff doesn’t make me feel jealous or down on myself…just gives me ideas of what kinds of things I would enjoy aspiring to…and I like having goals and things to work toward and dream of. So I would really like to hear about all the fun things you are doing!

I will have to ask my mom if she will check the "homecoming" book out of the library for me. I forgot to take a bunch of photog books back and owe like $30 in fines now…LOL…I think my mom will check ONE out for me (but of course I flat out borrowed her library card and racked up like $10 in late fees on her card, but I gave her the money for it right away. I think she will be okay with checking just one out for me though).

You too have entered my life "in a very precious way"…(what lovely words!). I thank God for everyone of my friends in life and most especially my SR friends….especially ones like you who I immediately feel a connection to and feel that you can truly "understand" me in ways that most people can’t….no offense to those who can’t (cause it’s like my ex, Bret, was telling me one time….that he was thankful that I couldn’t understand him in the way that one of his ex’s could because to be able to understand madness, you have to have personal knowledge of that madness…so it always saddens me when I do feel that connection with somebody, but also lifts me because I don’t feel alone in it all)…so thanks for finding SR and for reaching out to me!)

Must go for now so I can still have at least a little bit more writing in me for my bestest friend…who I know always understands when I can’t write him as much as usual, but I still love to write him so much that I want to write him all day, everyday…just had to make myself come and spend time writing here in SR today….thank you ALL for being here for me!

HUGS,
Jenna

Pip56

Jenna, Great to hear from you. I have just had the most horrible experience. I have been sitting at the computer for hours and wrote you a very detailed post. I went to put a poem in at the end. I hit the tab key to make an indent and lost the whole lot. The good news is that my husband has shown me how to write the stuff into a Word document and then paste it in. So this will be a shortened version but hopefully will have the same gist. Firstly I do sense a real strong connection with you…�to be able to understand madness you have to have personal knowledge of that madness…so it always saddens me when I do feel that connection with somebody but also lifts me because I don’t feel alone in it all. I think that is brill because at least we are being real. I would rather have that than the masks so many people wear. I do not think it is outrageous for you to say, “I wish people could view my disease just like they would view somebody with severe cancer…because I can’t imagine anything feeling or being more hellish than this. My daughter is 33. I am 56…sounds ancient. I may be depressed but I’m young at heart. Anyway recently my daughter spent a day with me when I was having a really rough day. She went home to her partner and said to him in such a serious tone, “I wish I could get my mum a brain transplant�. She said it with such conviction that he actually replied with the question, “Can you get brain transplants�. I wish!
When I read, “I don’t think I will get a script from a doc…but if this continues much longer…it might be between taking a highly-potentially addictive med OR killing myself�. I thought that sounds as terminal as any cancer. You went on to say, “Prayer doesn’t seem to be helping me either…things just keep getting worse. Two things I want to share with you on this on and I am most definitely not preaching but someone once said to me, “When we are down to nothing God is up to something�. Lets hope so. The other thing was that my best friends sister is dying of cancer. The doctor’s have given her all the treatment they can and she was going down hill fast. She lives in South Africa and She Val was on the phone with her and Joyce said that although she was dying she just couldn’t buy into the God bit. She said she had no faith. So Val told her not to worry about that saying she would have faith for both of them. Plus Val had lots of believers praying, so she told Joyce there was faith around her in abundance. Guess what, Joyce has taken a turn for the better.
Now I get pretty confused about the God bit myself. However I have been getting great comfort from the works of a woman call Pema Chodron. She is one of the first Americans to be fully ordained as a Buddhist nun. I agree with the blurb on her CD that claims she “has a rare gift for making Tibetan Budddhism accessible to Western seekers. The CD is called, “The Pema Chodron Audio Collection Pure Meditation*Good Medicine*From Fear to Fearlessness. Plus she has a great book called, “The Wisdom of No Escape. How to love yourself and your world. I got them from Amazon, so anytime you can afford a treat I highly recommend them
You asked me to tell you about the renovations at my home..“I would like to hear about all the fun things you are doing�…Jenna it is a nightmare.
I was retired out off work on early retirement due to my depression. It was heartbreaking as I loved my job. The depression was/is all consuming and I just didn’t have the energy. I was lucky to get a lump sum and got a new kitchen installed. My old one was literally falling apart. You may have well taken the words out of my mouth when you said, “I literally sit here day after day trying to psych myself into getting up and getting at least a few things done�. I have never been a great housekeeper and I am a real hoarder. Every room was choked to the gills. The electrician who put the kitchen in was doing some rewiring and alerted me to dry rot. I got a builder out to check the house, which is 95 years old. It needs so much work done JUST TO KEEP IT STANDING that we have had to take out a remortage. I had used my lump sum to get the new kitchen, clear up a load of bills and put my son, 22 through university. It is totally depressing to have to take out the remortage at this stage in our lives. But heck when I think of the Tsunami and the hurricanes in America I know there would be people willing to swap places with me.
So my wonderful daughter has been coming to my home and hauling me off my ass and forcing me to clear my clutter. I still had every essay I ever wrote during my studies, from 1976, notes upon notes from my teaching, every birthday card, Christmas card etc etc etc. Sadly though every room was also booby-trapped my stuff belonging to the son I lost. What we have done is gathered them all together and I will get some pretty little boxes to put them in. I still have all his cloths. He is dead 7 years on the 21st October. I can’t bear to part with them, so I am going to ask my husband to box them up for me. I don’t even want to see them. I will let go when I am ready.
So the builders reckon the work in the house will take about 2 months. We are still searching around for the best deal we can get. However the whole house will have to be cleared and the contents put into storage. All this is happening on top of me going into a Rehab programme. I go in on the 10th October. The programme lasts for 2 months. So it will be brilliant if we can get the workmen sorted out asap then maybe the majority of the work can take place whilst I am in Rehab…I’ll keep you posted. Below is a poem that was quoted in the John Bradshaw book, “Homecoming�. I can’t remember who wrote it but it is something I would like to aspire to…I want to get to chapter 5.
Hope we all do. Wow loosing my first post has turned into a real learning curve.


Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

1) I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost...I am hopeless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

shutterbug

Hi guys….boy did I step into it this time. I’m a total mental and emotional wreck right now. I don’t understand how I keep doing this to myself. All I want to do is continually better myself. I try to be the best person, best Christian, best friend, sis, aunt, worker, human….everything I can. I try my best not to hurt other people, but sometimes my weaknesses and low self-esteem always seem to put me in situations where I end up doing exactly that…and hurting myself in the process to.

I was worried about my codie behaviors and thinking in relation to an online friendship with a man who has a whole family and our friendship originally began in July. It’s been a very wonderful, almost daily friendship since, but my worst fears have happened…I fell head over heels for him and am now struggling with those feelings. We immediately formed a connection b/c of having the bipolar illness in common. As many of you know….it’s hard to find other people who can really understand what we are going through unless they have been there themselves in some way, shape or form. I don’t know what I would have done without his support and caring over this past month. I knew that things were starting to get out of hand when I started waking up thinking about him and ended up going to bed thinking about him too. I was becoming obsessed and I know this isn’t healthy for me. I haven’t kept up with my Al-anon recoveries and I thought I would pop my head into the Friends and Family forum and give kind of a detailed summery of why I have come to love him so much and I was hoping that other codies would help give me some knowledge and guidence. Instead I just happened to pop my head and thread into (unrealizingly) a whole bunch of people dealing with infidelity from their SO’s and they started ripping me a new one for being that "other" person even though all that has happened is talks…and not even sex talks…just loving and caring about each other. I mean…I hope that at least you guys can understand who I was so drawn to someone who was supporting me in such a constant way and helping to lift my very low self-esteem. He made me feel loved, beautiful, cared about, and secure in that he would never stop being a friend…a true friend.

Anyway…I always unconsciencely get myself involved with and attached to guys who are incapable of giving me a real and loving relationship…a healthy and happy relationship. I’m starting to really, seriously think that something like that just isn’t apart of God’s plan for my life and that I just need to come to grips with the fact that I will be an old spinster for the rest of my life on earth. But then, I go back in my mind to a Bible verse a lovely girl shared with me that says to ask and ye shall receive…for when we speak are desires with our lips in prayer, God will grant us the things we want most…and what do I want most….the most perfect husband and then children that I can possibly find. So, the only reason why I can think that God hasn’t answered those prayers for me is because to have a family of my own is not in his will for me….which of course is what I always pray for above ALL other things, no matter what. So I can only think that if God wants me to be a spinster…then there must be some reason that I have yet to discover. Maybe because of my sister’s fast approaching divorce…maybe I’m meant to be completely unattatched so that I can move in with her and help with my beautiful twin nephews and let them fill the aching for love I’ve always felt. Since I can’t have kids of my own (b/c no husband)….I can pour my love out onto them. Maybe that’s what’s in the plan…or who knows?

I just know that I didn’t expect to get knocked down so hard today. I’m only striving to live the kind of life I’m suppose to…but people just can’t understand that that means falling down sometimes, and learning from those falls….and that’s what helps us all grow in life…right?

Well anyway, I totally feel like scum now from the mean and cruel, but honest, things they posted. I dont’ blame them….I should have never posted it in the first place…I just didnt’ know what else to do and that forum is what brought me to SR originally and helped me so much to get that very toxic late-stage alcoholic and sexoholic out of my life….so I figured I would find solas in there again….boy was I wrong! Everybody seemed to have dumped all their own emotional baggage on top of me….like I was the only human in a 100 miles and walked into vampires nest. It’s not that they hate me or anything….just a natural reaction to jump after me…make sense? I don’t know I just feel like an even more horrible person than I have been feeling lately. Makes me wonder….how much can one person hate themselves? Is there a breaking point? Is that what suicide eventually all comes down to? I dont’ know. I feel so broken (as iff I didn’t already) that I’m seriously thinking about hiding under my covers for the next 20+ years. I mean, if I don’t let ANYONE into my life then I won’t ever have to worry about hurting anybody with my unhealthy ways, thinking, actions…whatever. Now I understand why people develop phobias about going out into the world…why risk it. I’ll just stay here, drowned myself in t.v., books when I have the energy and only venture out when I must for counseling and doctors appointments and occationally to see my nephews…at least they won’t hurt me (not at least until they get older anyway). I hate my life…and I’m sorry I whine so much…please forgive me…but I know of no other place to go for help and to get these things out. They are literally killing me. I wish I did have cancer b/c at least I would feel comfort in knowing there IS an end to this and that I wouldn’t go to hell for it being at my own hands. Hey, maybe subconsciencely that’s why I haven’t been able to make myself quit smoking, even after the emphazima diagnosis and the almost dying thing…who knows…I sure in the hell don’t know anything.

Jenna

P.S. Don…I’d like to take back my comment to you in another thread about that I thought it would be fun to moderate in the codie forums….ex-nay on the codie-aye! Nope, not ever….I even feel SOOOO stupid for even thinking…let alone SAYing that! What was I thinking! I’ll NEVER be well enough to handle myself …and especially won’t ever be well enough to help others handle their emotions and such! See…why I continually say I’m stupid! Because I am! I AM! Today has just been one more confirmation out of many that I truly am…anyway….glad I have at least this one place wher you guys at least try really super hard not to make me feel that way…doesnt’ work, but I really appreciate that fact that you try…especially when you see how hopeless it is to even try…you guys are truly all great people and I am blessed to have this place where I don’t feel judged and condemned for being me and being human.


P.S. ((((PIP))) That's for the great response and hello. I want to reply I've just got to put my head under the covers for a while...but maybe I will feel more like it later tonight or in the morning.