shutterbug

Well, today and yesterday have been very emotional and very healing all in the same.

If you feel up to going on a "Jerry Springer" kind of ride with me…you might find this long post interesting…not sure though….but I definitely need as much feedback as I can get on these kind of situations which I think are how TRUE healing can begin to take place because by the end of this post you will find, I have come to some significant moments of clarity as to why depression and insecurity has kept me from ever being able to maintain a healthy relationship with someone or with myself. So if you feel up to it….please share your thoughts on this whole situation and where I can hopefully go from here. Thanks for everyone who takes the time to follow this crazy adventure in recovery with me. I love you guys and dont’ know what I’d do without you….

Anyway, as I've posted here before, my core issues with my depression right now seems to be my severe insecurity and self-loathing. I never realized until today...how that can impact other's lives negatively and that's why the people in my life tend to abandon, and often exile me, when I need them the most. -> because I'm bringing them down with me without realizing it.

A while back, when I first discovered how sick I was and started on my path toward recovery, my 2 best friends ostracized me from their lives. What a blow that was to an already fragile self-esteem and feelings of being unlovable and even unlikeable.

Well, it’s happening again with a friend who I recently re-connected with this week. We very briefly dated in high school and even though he’s unavailable….he is the biggest flirt in the world and always convinces me to play along and let loose and have a little fun with him….a little harmless, non-physical indulgence if you will.

Well, two days ago…he was able to talk me into a little phone fun…which is something I’m not very experienced with and felt insecure about doing. And I even hate that I’m telling you guys this…but I don’t know how to explain the situation unless I tell you the details like this…sorry. But anyway…Whatever I did…well did the trick, but there were no bells and whistles for him…know what I mean? So being the insecure being that I am, and needing constant affirmations in my life right now, I e-mailed him and asked him about it cause he seemed a bit disappointed in my part of the play. And him being the frank and honest person he is, gently tried to tell me the truth saying…the following:

" You did just fine!....Just fine! It's tough to critique someone regarding something of that nature. I look at it like this....if it makes a person or persons hit their....well....spot....then I believe it was good enough for "phone" purposes....Now ....in live "physical" performances ....well...thats worth striving towards constant improvement, but not to say I would go.....OH MY GOSH....I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT or anything like that....I try not to complain about sex or sexual fun in any caliber."

Well I, of course, took that to be a nice way of really saying ….YOU STINK!!!!!!!! THAT WAS JUST AWFUL!!!

I tried not to let it get to me b/c I was appreciative that he felt he could be honest, but as the day wore on…it started eating at me and my mind started twisting his words so that it put me in the most negative light possible.

(Bear with me here guys….you know it takes me a while to explain things in my life…..)

Anyway…here was the e-mail I sent him after the thoughts had lingered on me for a while: (warning*- it’s a little graphic….but just a little…but if I can’t talk about these things with you guys, people who don’t even know me in real life, then I have no one. I’m a bit uncomfortable about even you guys even reading this [especially one of you in particular], but I feel I must show you the truth of how my mind turned something insignificant in to such disastrous thinking which, by the end of last night, had me suicidal and self-injuring for an hour straight)

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Hey J.B.....just woke up from a 3 hour nap and figured I'd check my mail...and here you are! You early birds...I don't know how you people do it. I mean everyone who has to be up and already going strong at the work day just about the same time, my body and mind is winding down for the day. And of course you "normal" people prolly don't understand my sleeping habits (problems) either...lol.

Well, I can tell that I disappointed. Did the trick, but nothing special just the same. That's okay. Thanks for being honest! Wow, that's so awesome to have a guy tell me the truth when the truth about things like that are uncomfortable to talk about. I appreciate it. I don't like to not be good at things (anything, but especially when it come to things like that) and the only way to know is if people tell you right? Right. B.R. (my ex alcoholic) was the only one I've ever "talked" with like that on the phone or during the act and he was very specific in the things he wanted me to say and how he wanted me to say them so my experience with that is minimal. Now I know that I really need to work on the verbal stuff or cut it out all together...lol. I just enjoy more to be in the act and go with the flow. Well, I guess that's not entirely true because I love, love, LOVE for a guy to whisper things and breath in my ear during....well during anything. I guess I just don't feel comfortable being the one doing the talking because I never can think of what to say. But heck...maybe I'm bad a the acts themselves too and maybe nobody's ever had the balls...lol...to tell me the truth? Well, naw, that's not the case because B.R. was pretty damn honest about what he liked when it came to that and most everything in life and he's been with (didn't find this all out until I was obsessed in love with him already), but by his own admission he's been with thousands of women and by other guys accounts he's been with tens of thousands of women and he said I wasn't the best he'd ever had, which I didn't take offense to, but that I definitely among the top ranks, which tells me that I must be doing something right in the physical realm because it's no exaggeration to say that he's practically gone home with a different girl every night of his life since he was about 21 and he's 39 now...and many nights he went home with more than one. Women hated him and wouldn't give him the time of day growing up, but then everything changed in his early 20's and now it's almost like a trance that falls over a woman when he's around. it's the damnedest thing I've ever been through or seen in action in my life cause he's not even that great looking to be getting such quantity. He literally just snaps his fingers or walks up to a girl, grabs her pulls her in with a passionate kiss...and he's got her wrapped around his little finger and everything else, even the most prudish of girls have no hesitation to go straight to it. don't understand it. Dad or anyone else never did either...ask him (dad) about B.R. and his way of getting women sometimes and he'll tell you that it's like some kind of unnatural thing that doesn’t make sense. Anyway, don't know why I'm telling you all this. Guess I just started thinking that maybe I was lacking in that area too....but no...Bret enjoyed being with me too much so if he thought I was even marginal then I would have taken even that as a huge complement. So *raspberry* guess you'll never know!...LOL

{I cut out a lot of gibberish about career stuff, but the gest of it is he was saying how he hated his job b/c it’s so boring and is thinking of going back to college for a nursing degree or for his masters but that he doesn’t really know how he would do that because he would be giving up a great high-paying job…and him and my sister work for the same government air base…so I said the following...and you'll see why this is ...and you'll see why this is pertanent a little later}

I don't know what I would do in your situation though, because of having a family and all and already making such good money. That would be a tough choice. Could you do like what my sis is doing now? She's getting her master's degree online. And until she got moved into a different department where they are now keeping her busy all the time, she WAS able to do her course work online while she was at work..

Anyway, my awake time is over and I must return to sleep. This is how my life has been for the past several months and I'm about to go nuts...I sleep for 2-3 hours then up and hour...then it just continues like that back and forth, up, down, up down and I seem to not have any control over it. I try to just stay up many times, but the sleepiness just overcomes me and there's nothing I can do but succumb to it...and besides...what else do I have going on in my life right now...nothing...so I sleep...and e-mail. What a life, huh! Well, I'm actually just enjoying it while I can because I doubt I will ever allow myself to take this much time off from work again until I become a millionaire or retire or die...lol.

Hope you get to e-mail me back today....and give me something I can smile about! or else!
Hugs,
Jen
P.S. Me? Be good? After the place you sent my mind to yesterday? I DON'T THINK SO!! It had been so long since I had had ANY kind of interaction like that...and it's like eating chips...you can't just have one, because one just makes you want more.....LOL.
So now I'm in "bad" Jenna mode...hahaha. *sly grin*
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So….almost immediately after I sent that e-mail…I started rehashing everything I had written and how it would come across and I panicked and sent this one right after…..

(Titled) PLEASE READ THIS LETTER FIRST:

Dear J.B.

hey....I just realized I sent you a pretty stupid, stupid letter a little bit ago...so just delete it please would ya cause I believe I also said some pretty embarrassing stuff, specially at the end. Sorry. I had just woken up and didn't expect you to have written me and so, in my defense, I was still half asleep when I wrote that. Anyway, I went to lay down and go back to sleep and suddenly I flashed back to some of the things I had written...well, I'm embarrassed now...sorry...talk to you later. Jen
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okay….we’re getting close the important part of this whole thread so bear with me a bit longer please.

So I went to my sisters house later that night to visit my nephews and such and at one point I mentioned to my sis that J.B. (who she just met for the first time last weekend) has been thinking about his job there and about school and that I had told him how she was going at it. And out of that….after I went home…I ended up sleeping on it all for a about 3 hours before e-mailing him this following letter early this morning:

(Titled) Write me back…k

Hey J.B.

Hey just real (maybe) quick. I talked to my sis last night about how you are bored in your job and also thinking about whether or not to go after your masters...and her response was pretty much, "Why wouldn't he...(the government) will pay for tuition."
Didn't know if you knew that or not....she said she actually only ends up paying like $75 a class or a semester or something...I'm not sure. You'll have to ask her more about it. She also said that you can get (the government) to pay off some of the school loans that you already have, maybe too. She said for you to just look her up on the network or whatever.
You may have already talked to her by now since she said she was gunna try to look you up.
I just want to make sure and make somethings clear....which I'm sure I dont' really need to...but I want to be for certain that you understand me on this.....Ummm.....okay, I got no problem with you and my sis talking as much as you want and all that, but under no circumstances will I be able to feel comfortable with you talking to her with the heavy flirting like you do with me. Her being my little sis and all, I would just prefer to not have to worry about that.
I guess the main reason why I felt in necessary to tell you this is because (my sis) is on the very verge of divorce and when she first told me she met you at the VFW...she seemed a little too happy about it, but I blew it off and didn't think anything of it. Until last night when I mentioned that you and the VFW and she went so far as to compliment you to me about your singing. Well that, on it's own, is enough to tell me that she is at least a little interested in you because my sister NEVER speaks good or complements ANYONE that happens to be a friend or even an acquaintance of mine. I dont' understand it, but that's just how she's ALWAYS been....disapproving.
Then when I was talking about you being so bored up there...she really perked up when she realized you also worked at (the gov’t base) and she wanted to know what shift and what building and was it her same building and what was your middle name so she could look you up on the system and talk to you and all that....well....that's just not normal for her to act that way.
So....talk to her all you want and if you want to start flirting with her that is obviously your decision and I won't try and stop you in any other way that what I am saying now....and that is....if you really want to talk and act that way with her....then don't even think about talking with me like that too! Please....and I don't want to find out suddenly...out of the blue or from some other source that you and my sister have been consorting about un-be-announced to me. Just continue to be straight and honest with me and every thing will be all good…. nuff said?
Anyway....sorry, if I seem a little more than just a bit over-reacting about all that, but I'd rather just lay out all my thoughts about it right now....so that I feel comfortable in knowing that my thoughts or opinions on such a matter will never be a question....because now you know how I feel.
Besides that....I don't really know what to talk about at the moment. I'm wondering if you got the 2 e-mails I sent you yesterday, cause I figured I would have already heard back from you...and if you deleted the first one...like I asked. Which you prolly didn't and that's okay if you didn't b/c I wouldn't have deleted it without reading it either if somebody told me that....LOL.
I just kinda feel like I'm walking on egg shells with you a tad bit because I'm not sure what you feel comfortable with me talking about and what you don't.
It's frigging FREEZING in here! Burrr
I'm so very insecure about things....you know that...and so I don't know if I haven't heard back from you yet because you've just been busy OR you're actually OVERLY disappointed in how things went with me the other day on the phone OR if maybe the whole thing freaked you out too much OR something else. I dunno...and my mind always imagines and decides that it has to be what ever the worst case scenario is. So if you could just appease me by giving me the honest answer when I hound you with stupid questions like this...I would greatly appreciate it.
Any who...did you know that Santa is gay, his wife is a drag queen and I would even mention what he does with the raindeer...lol...just being silly. (got that from a friend today…lol)
Hey remember we were talking about Stella's bar the other day and I said I could never go out there...well that wasn't true...I wasn't thinking straight. If it's karaoke night out there then it's a pretty safe bet that dip wad (B.R.) won't ever be there since he hates karaoke with a big passion. So not that you were going to invite me out with you anyway...but if you ever do decide to go out there...and want some company along....I would be happy to oblige
Well if you write me back in the next several hours (before 2:30 p.m. then I will write you back another letter)
TTFN......Ta Ta For Now,
Toodles,
Jen
A.K.A.....your cheezy "phone a friend" gal pal ;P
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