guys....gosh I re-read this whole thing from start to finish and I'm such a slow reader that it took me more than 30 minutes to get to the end....I'm sorry for dragging anyone through such nonsense.
I thought I was feeling okay about an hour or two ago when I have finally finished all of this mess, but I'm doing REALLY, REALLY bad right now.
Ryan...and to everyone else....gosh...I know how trivial this big damn thread of bull-sh*t sounds...and in reality...it really really is....
I don't really know how to explain it, but this little, tiny, itsy-bitsy slam to my ego that started this whole ordeal....was just the last little hair landing on the camels back and sending me out of control.
I don't understand why all of this has triggered such dangerous emotions and feeling and thoughts in me right now...I really thought I was fine just a little bit ago, but now...I'm really kinda scared that I'm alone at the moment. I'm scared of myself and what I might do. I've never felt like this before. I mean, yeah...I've had intrusive suicidal thoughts more times than I care to count..
But NOTHING like how I am feeling right now....I feel worthless and like I dont' even deserve to be taking up space on this earth or using up other people's air from my body being alive and functioning at this moment.
I don't even know what I'm saying or thinking or feeling anymore...I just feel like I'm totally loosing control of myself. I actually FEEL like I'm loosing my mind and not making any sense about anything and no body really cares...and I'm so impatient and I even see things like... other people having lives and because of that them not having enough time to talk to me and help me immediately...as a sign that they don't really give a **** about me or else they would KNOW that I need them and I need them NOW.
God I am pathetic. and totally not even making sense to myself anymore...I can't even imagine what all this f***ing Sh*t must look like to others....I think I would be totally doing the world a favor right now if I went down town and climbed to the top of one of the oldest buildings in town and leap off of it. At least maybe I would feel some freedom for a moment as my body fell freely as the wind rushes over me. All I would have to do is close my eyes, count to 3, 4, 5...and ....it's all over. ALL of it! And there's no surviving a 10 story fall onto concrete so I dont' have to worry about f***ing even that up and ending up lying in a hosptial bed or paralysed from the neck down for the rest of my life being kept alive by machines and feeding tubes. I've never understood how people "attempt" to kill themselves....what's there to attempt? I mean...you either want to do it or you don't and if your gunna do it...why not do it right...! Just my thoughts on the subject. Not that anybody cares. I know a lot of people who would be glad to see me gone adn not wasting their time anymore. Hell I'm even wasting the time of who ever is reading these words right now. so I'm not going to write any more here. I'm gunna sit here for a few minutes and see if somebody cares enough to e-mail me soon and see if maybe they can somehow make me feel any better...which I doubt...but I only feel like waiting for a few minutes, because everytime I hit "check mail" on me e-mail and it keeps coming back up with J.B.'s last e-mail starring right in my face....I just can't take that right now.
So maybe I can just make myself go to sleep somehow....I don't know...starting not to even care...