Hi guys….boy did I step into it this time. I’m a total mental and emotional wreck right now. I don’t understand how I keep doing this to myself. All I want to do is continually better myself. I try to be the best person, best Christian, best friend, sis, aunt, worker, human….everything I can. I try my best not to hurt other people, but sometimes my weaknesses and low self-esteem always seem to put me in situations where I end up doing exactly that…and hurting myself in the process to.
I was worried about my codie behaviors and thinking in relation to an online friendship with a man who has a whole family and our friendship originally began in July. It’s been a very wonderful, almost daily friendship since, but my worst fears have happened…I fell head over heels for him and am now struggling with those feelings. We immediately formed a connection b/c of having the bipolar illness in common. As many of you know….it’s hard to find other people who can really understand what we are going through unless they have been there themselves in some way, shape or form. I don’t know what I would have done without his support and caring over this past month. I knew that things were starting to get out of hand when I started waking up thinking about him and ended up going to bed thinking about him too. I was becoming obsessed and I know this isn’t healthy for me. I haven’t kept up with my Al-anon recoveries and I thought I would pop my head into the Friends and Family forum and give kind of a detailed summery of why I have come to love him so much and I was hoping that other codies would help give me some knowledge and guidence. Instead I just happened to pop my head and thread into (unrealizingly) a whole bunch of people dealing with infidelity from their SO’s and they started ripping me a new one for being that "other" person even though all that has happened is talks…and not even sex talks…just loving and caring about each other. I mean…I hope that at least you guys can understand who I was so drawn to someone who was supporting me in such a constant way and helping to lift my very low self-esteem. He made me feel loved, beautiful, cared about, and secure in that he would never stop being a friend…a true friend.
Anyway…I always unconsciencely get myself involved with and attached to guys who are incapable of giving me a real and loving relationship…a healthy and happy relationship. I’m starting to really, seriously think that something like that just isn’t apart of God’s plan for my life and that I just need to come to grips with the fact that I will be an old spinster for the rest of my life on earth. But then, I go back in my mind to a Bible verse a lovely girl shared with me that says to ask and ye shall receive…for when we speak are desires with our lips in prayer, God will grant us the things we want most…and what do I want most….the most perfect husband and then children that I can possibly find. So, the only reason why I can think that God hasn’t answered those prayers for me is because to have a family of my own is not in his will for me….which of course is what I always pray for above ALL other things, no matter what. So I can only think that if God wants me to be a spinster…then there must be some reason that I have yet to discover. Maybe because of my sister’s fast approaching divorce…maybe I’m meant to be completely unattatched so that I can move in with her and help with my beautiful twin nephews and let them fill the aching for love I’ve always felt. Since I can’t have kids of my own (b/c no husband)….I can pour my love out onto them. Maybe that’s what’s in the plan…or who knows?
I just know that I didn’t expect to get knocked down so hard today. I’m only striving to live the kind of life I’m suppose to…but people just can’t understand that that means falling down sometimes, and learning from those falls….and that’s what helps us all grow in life…right?
Well anyway, I totally feel like scum now from the mean and cruel, but honest, things they posted. I dont’ blame them….I should have never posted it in the first place…I just didnt’ know what else to do and that forum is what brought me to SR originally and helped me so much to get that very toxic late-stage alcoholic and sexoholic out of my life….so I figured I would find solas in there again….boy was I wrong! Everybody seemed to have dumped all their own emotional baggage on top of me….like I was the only human in a 100 miles and walked into vampires nest. It’s not that they hate me or anything….just a natural reaction to jump after me…make sense? I don’t know I just feel like an even more horrible person than I have been feeling lately. Makes me wonder….how much can one person hate themselves? Is there a breaking point? Is that what suicide eventually all comes down to? I dont’ know. I feel so broken (as iff I didn’t already) that I’m seriously thinking about hiding under my covers for the next 20+ years. I mean, if I don’t let ANYONE into my life then I won’t ever have to worry about hurting anybody with my unhealthy ways, thinking, actions…whatever. Now I understand why people develop phobias about going out into the world…why risk it. I’ll just stay here, drowned myself in t.v., books when I have the energy and only venture out when I must for counseling and doctors appointments and occationally to see my nephews…at least they won’t hurt me (not at least until they get older anyway). I hate my life…and I’m sorry I whine so much…please forgive me…but I know of no other place to go for help and to get these things out. They are literally killing me. I wish I did have cancer b/c at least I would feel comfort in knowing there IS an end to this and that I wouldn’t go to hell for it being at my own hands. Hey, maybe subconsciencely that’s why I haven’t been able to make myself quit smoking, even after the emphazima diagnosis and the almost dying thing…who knows…I sure in the hell don’t know anything.
Jenna
P.S. Don…I’d like to take back my comment to you in another thread about that I thought it would be fun to moderate in the codie forums….ex-nay on the codie-aye! Nope, not ever….I even feel SOOOO stupid for even thinking…let alone SAYing that! What was I thinking! I’ll NEVER be well enough to handle myself …and especially won’t ever be well enough to help others handle their emotions and such! See…why I continually say I’m stupid! Because I am! I AM! Today has just been one more confirmation out of many that I truly am…anyway….glad I have at least this one place wher you guys at least try really super hard not to make me feel that way…doesnt’ work, but I really appreciate that fact that you try…especially when you see how hopeless it is to even try…you guys are truly all great people and I am blessed to have this place where I don’t feel judged and condemned for being me and being human.
P.S. ((((PIP))) That's for the great response and hello. I want to reply I've just got to put my head under the covers for a while...but maybe I will feel more like it later tonight or in the morning.