Well guys here comes the finale (even though it's a rather long finale):…Here's his response to those 3 e-mails and then my "moments of clarity" that came when I responded as to my reasoning behind the things I had said in those three e-mails.
(Title): RE: Write me back…k
WOW! My, My, My! You're gonna have to slow down a bit here! We've gone from having routine/casual email chats to the idea that I didn't think our phone conversation (the other day) was worth a darn and that I'm after your sister OR she's after me all of sudden. Good Gosh....what happened there!
First, I told you what I felt about our phone conversation in the second to the last email I sent you when you specifically asked me how I felt you did and how I felt about all that. I told you that I am not the type to critique people on that sort of thing nor was I the type to be overly critical about physical encounters either. Somehow you took that from what it was to me implying that I thought it was awful or boring or bad in some sort of way. I don't know how that happened, but it did. Now...all of a sudden I have a list of instructions outlining how my code of conduct should be when interacting with your sister who, mind you, I have only spoke to, in brief, and that was at your father's request. I'm a bit confused at to what inspired all this and more specifically the whole "her being my little sis and all, I would just prefer not to have to worry about that (my heavy flirting and all)." I am only capable of perceiving that and many of your other requests concerning her in one of two ways. 1) Either you are severely protective of your "adult" little sis...implying I am some bad individual crouched and prepared to attack and corrupt her OR 2) there is some unexplained and unjustified jealousy hovering in the wings here that I am quite unaware of. Anyhow, I'm just a bit blind-sided by all this seeing how I have done nothing AT ALL to instigate anything AT ALL in light of your sister. By the way....as of 11:00 A.M. this morning...I have not received any sort of an email for her and besides....she would need to know my middle initial anyhow cus there are like 10 to 15 of J.B’s in the Global Address book. Another point of concern I have, would be that during the whole time you were talking with your sister about me and getting the impression that she was sparking some interest in whatever way you feel she was doing......why didn't you tell her to not talk to me and that her talking to me bothers you so much to the degree you indicate. I'm not trying to sound b*tchy here....but I'm just a bit confused with all the stirred emotions, paranoia, and impatience that have developed in a matter of like .....1 1/2 days.
As for the schooling....(I’ve deleted this long section of his writing since carries no doesnt’ have any info that you guys would need to know about)…..
Well...its lunch time and I have to run ....but I wanted to get this sent to you so you wouldn't think there is some mysterious plot or hatred out there against ya that you didn't know about. LOL! Anyhow...I'll talk at ya later.
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So I felt sick at my stomach as I read this above letter because….this is the kind of reaction one has to a crazy person…so I tried to compose myself and wrote this final e-mail to him:
(Titled) Sorry…please forgive me…I’m not well
okay...I must offer a HUGE apology to you! SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Really...my thoughts and emotions about all these things, must have come off much stronger in my writing...than they are in reality. I guess. But I can definitely see why I've freaked you out.
About the phone thing....well, I didn’t' expect I would have any reaction to your answer to my question about "how I did". I really didn't, but obviously I did feel a reaction. I could tell that it did the trick, but wasn't anything special. And I am really glad to know that....really, I am....because I'm really big into wanting to be considered as being exceptionally good at all my performances in the sexual realm. I suppose there is a lot of childhood crap behind that feeling of wanting so badly to really, really please a man....not just get him off instead, but I won't go into all that right now, but will later if you want me to. But I guess the bottom line is that, I'm not able to hear real, honest, answers about questions like that about what kind of job I did like I thought I could....without it cutting deep into my ego of myself. And I guess I just felt stupid for 2 reasons....1. because I seemed to have enjoyed it much more than you were able to....which I automatically take full responsibility for...that's just my own problems in how I judge myself so harshly all the time. AND 2. I didn’t' like the fact that it took me so much longer than you to reach that point...well...and I guess there is a 3. here.....I've never had phone sex with anyone who I haven't already been physical with...so there was more confidence, or comfort, or something that I felt because of already knowing that person on that kind of intimate level.
I dont' know if I'm making any gosh darn sense here, but I'm trying. J.B, maybe I’m just too much of a crazy person, like everyone else seems to think I am...I don't know....your reaction sure makes me feel like I'm acting crazy, but I suppose that it would seem that way to anyone...not just you...so I don't know.
Let me just explain that ....well, I dont' know how much I've explained my mental health issues to you yet, but right now (and for about the past 2 weeks) I've REALLY been loathing myself in every possible way. I mean...I've even felt hurt by people in my online support group who have been in my type of depressive states before and are just trying to help. But my mind is ill. I won't deny that. And right now...if I read ANY kind of possible way that something can be construed in a negative light toward me right now....I automatically see things in that kind of light, because that's just where my head is right now....very negative about myself, so it's hard for me not to think that others are being overly critical of me as well, even if what they said was completely innocent and without judgment....I twist things around in my head so that their intentions...no matter how benign...seem negative toward me. I can only imagine how all this must sound to you.
Does any of that make sense?
I just enjoyed our phone thing a lot...A LOT....and its something that I would enjoy doing again every so often if you would so desire that also...cause despite my obvious apprehensions here...it was a lot of fun....but I don't think I will feel comfortable really now, because I will be scared of what to say or what not to say....even more than I usually am in life about things....especially things like that. There's just a lot of anxiety that I deal with on a daily basis about things...and unfortunately this is no exception at the moment.
I'm sorry for even being me...I really am. I didn't mean to stress you out about anything. That's the very LAST thing I wanted to do. I'm majority sorry J.B. I'm just crazy I guess.
As for the thing with (my sis)....again....right now, my mind is in that "worst case scenario" kind of thinking. And i just started thinking, "OMGosh....what IF this, this and this....and that kind of "what if" is what caused my very specific opinions about that whole situation. It's not that I think you’re some big awful predator and I have to protect my adult sis who is QUITE CABABLE of taking care of herself. There is a little bit of jealousy when it comes to her (on both sides)....long, long, LONG story. So I just know I couldn't handle it if like, a month or two or three went by and, me and her were talking and somehow I came to realize that you flirt heavily with her like you do with me too. I mean...J.B., you just have to understand that my whole life has seemed like one big Jerry Springer episode...and I'm just completely exhausted of having things in my life turn out that way. What I said to you....well....it really didn't have much to do with you and therefore I should have just kept it to myself. I'm sorry again here. Like I said....my mind is in the "worst case possible frame of mind so it must be true or will become true," kind of thinking right now. I guess you might say I'm really, overly "on guard" about things right now and always expecting the worst to happen.
I question EVERYTHING i do and say right now....and need constant approval from people so that I can be reminded that my inner thinking is really off....instead of feeling confirmed in that kind of thinking about myself. I hate that about myself right now. I hate that I need constant affirmations from people in my life. I guess that's why...well....never mind.
J.B. if I lose your friendship over me acting this way...well that would suck, but I would understand because I'm just not very well right now. Last year when all this depression sh*t really got started...I lost my very best friend in the whole world....L.S.....you've probably at least seen him around the VFW....he's got a really good voice too and plays piano and guitar like not many others can’t. I loved him to death. I wasn't IN love with him, but he was my bestest bro. We even felt comfortable enough with each other that we would lay on the couch and cuddle up and watch a movie or even sleep in the same bed together or on the floor next to each other....and it didn't mean anything except that we were affectionate friends. Anyway, New years Day after we had had our traditional new years drunken slumber party that night....the next day when he sobered up....he began being a real a**hole around me and I called him on it. And he went off on me and refused to talk to me anymore after that. He just totally flipped out on me for no reason and then he even started telling people that he didn't want to hang out with me anymore because I was wanting us to be boyfriend and girlfriend and that I was acting like a jealous girlfriend. Well, truth is that he has more mental problems than I could ever dream of having...and I didn't want that kind of relationship with him. I wanted things to stay strictly platonic with him. Although, when I called him on his rude and hurtful actions that day...I can see how he could have chosen to taken it in that "OMGosh...she's acting like we've been screwing for weeks or months or something" kind of way. But that wasn't the case. I can explain it in more detail if you want...just ask and I'll tell you. Anyway, that's been what...nearly 10 months now...and he still refuses to say two words to me or even "hi"....as if I'm some totally horrible person that he now hates and despises and the last thing he would ever want to do is hang around someone like me again...See J.B., since I was a child....everyone I've ever come to care about....even people I thought were my best friends (guys and girls) and even my mom and dad and....well....everyone...they all end up deserting me or completely abandoning me. That's where much of my insecurities comes from...because you probably won't believe this, but I've never felt really loved unconditionally by ANYONE in my life. I'm just not lovable. That's sad....believe me...I know all too well, but it is the reality of who I am that always makes people want to run away from me. Nobody has ever wanted me....truly wanted me...except (my ex-fiancé)....and he's a sick, child molesting, b*st*rd. NO ONE else....HAS EVER stuck by me during times that I really needed somebody to care about ME. I'm always taking care of everyone else...in hopes that when I need people they might return a small portion of that back to me, but they don't. Like I said, I'm just not a lovable person that people want to be around for very long. That's a fact....so how fragile would your ego be...if you had felt that hurt, unloved and unwanted all your life? (there is of course a great many more things that I can't possibly explain it all here and now, that have added to me feeling this way, but some of those things include stuff I’ve endured like severe mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse throughout my childhood.) So I suppose the best way to describe myself in that respect is like that of "damaged goods." Maybe the cuts are so deep that they will never be able to heal. God I hope not because I've been working my a** off this past year to try my damnedest to "fix" myself. There is NOTHING anyone can say or do to help me do this...it's just gunna take me a lot of time, hard work and prayers to overcome....myself.
Hell...and that's how you seem to be reacting to me right now too....just like L.S.’s did…like the same "OMGosh...she's acting like we've been screwing for weeks or months or something," kind of way. And I can see where my words have made you think that too...but that's not it....it's just my own mental demons beating up my self-esteem and me trying to fend off any future attacks my ego might could possibly run into. I guess I'm being very overly protective of myself. That's probably the best way to explain it all.
You are very right...you HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG - NOTHING. And again, I'm terribly sorry for dragging you into the hell that is my mind right now.
And unfortunately, me and my sis don't have the kind of relationship where we can talk about things like "feelings" so I didn't even think to mention anything to her. Well, and because i think it's cool that she thinks your so cool, because like I said...she's never approved of any of my friends...guys or girls. And also....I didn't start thinking about things on that level until later after I had left her house last night. And also...because I'm not the kind of person who goes around telling people...."hey, I've got my reasons, but it bothers me that you want to become buddy, buddy with my bud so would you mind not doing that"...... I'm just not that kind of person. I'm not going to tell any body who they can or can't talk to, but IF I think it might affect me in some negative way....even some vague, way off down the road, almost completely unlikely way....then I'm gunna try to make sure that doesn't happen by telling people how I'm feeling....like I did with you in that last letter. Because I'm so overly sensitive to things right now that I just can't handle any real drama...even if there’s a 99.9999 percent chance that nothing will happen. I still HAVE to prepare myself for that .0001 percent chance of it becoming a reality situation in my life.
Like I said, I know how stupid and crazy and impatient and irrational and totally whacked all this sounds and I know that I am most likely all those things. I don't know what else to say about all that right now. Except that it's probably all true and therefore I completely understand if you don't want to continue talking to me any more....that will hurt some, I have to be honest, but that would still be completely understandable. This illness of mine seems to bring other people in my life down with it and no body deserves that......hell I know i sure as hell don't...and I'm the one with the problems here. You and others are just innocent by-standers getting hit in the face with it from time to time....and I don't even know how my mom has been able to continue to handle all my emotional problems and reactions this past year.
I guess that's why there are so many support groups for "families and friends of bipolars." Because no body knows how to handle the over-emotional, extremely reactive ways we tend to get at times....especially in times of severe depression (as in my case) or severe mania .(AND THIS JUST MAKES ME FEEL EVEN WORSE BECAUSE THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION HERE IS THAT ANYONE WHO WANT TO TRULY TRY AND MAINTAIN A FRIENDSHIP WITH ME RIGHT NOW….NEEDS SOME KIND OF THERAPY OF THEIR OWN JUST TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE BEING A TRUE FRIEND TO A BIPOLAR!!!!!!! How sick is that?….that if anyone cares enough about me…then they have to have be willing to do the whole therapy thing to understand me and the way my illnesses make me act and react? ….i didn’t put this bit in my letter to him though, these bold thoughts I’ve added just for you guys)
Well, I have to run for now...and besides I don't know what more I can say. This is just me right now. I'm completely wishy washy and overly sensitive and I think about things WAY too much right now and see everything as something to feel negativity about myself for....that's just the reality of my life at the moment. So I guess...there's nothing more to say besides "what ya see is what ya get....take it or leave it." its up to you and you have to do what's healthiest for you right now and not worry about me or my irrational, paranoid, almost delusional thinking and actions. Don't let me cause any upset in your life ....so therefore it’s sad, but true...but that really just tells me that you would probably be very wise to just keep your distance from me. That's not what I want, of course. But I've already impacted 2 of my other best friends lives in this kind of extreme way...and I don't want to bring anyone else down with me anymore...it's hard enough dealing with the "imagined" wrongs I feel I'm always inflicting on people....let-alone, the true wrongs I know I am inflicting or have inflicted on others. I just beat myself up until I'm a total bloody pulp that’s left...that's all. J.B., I'm just barely fell like I'm a shell of a person right now. It brings tears just thinking about how much pain I BRING ON myself. And not knowing how to get out of that and be able to feel like I can even live with myself and the person I appear to be to others. I'm tired of feeling this way all my life...I honestly dont' know how much longer I can take it all.
I'm sorry...you dont' know how truly sorry I am. Maybe some day I will get better and we will be able to still have some kind of friendship then...I don't know, but probably not. I fear that I may be this way for the rest of my life...I dont' know.....I hate myself so much. And the last thing I want to do is cause anyone else to need therapy because of having to deal with me and my craziness.
got to go now. I'm sorry. PLEASE forgive me for inadvertently bringing all this nonsense onto you....I'm just crazy....I see that now...I'm more crazy than I had even realized until just now....My doc once told me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself about being crazy because I'm not psychotic, but rather I'm just neurotic and that just means I have a few unique quirks about me and the way I think.... But the severe paranoia and other things that have become more clear to me now....well that's definitely psychotic...so maybe I am destined to be that "crazy" person people fear being around so much.
Really got to go now. I dont' know what I'm gunna do about all this, but don't worry, I'll be fine. I've got a pretty good system of support from people who know what I'm going through right now. I will just turn these realizations about myself over to them and let them help me deal with them all. It will be a healthy thing in the end, because I will be able to start really working on why I think the way I do and try to figure out if and how I can change all this. It's not your place or your job or obligation or ANYTHING to stick with me and deal with this kind of sh*t. So please don't worry about anything ....okay. Just let go and don't worry about me...I'll be fine....okay.
Thanks for all the smiles and laughs...J.B....you really are a wonderful person!
Hugs and God Bless,
Jenna
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Okay…that’s pretty much everything except that luckily I had a depression/bipolar group therapy session to go to as soon as I finished the above e-mail and sent it. The 2 other girls who came to this very first meeting of this new effort of group therapy said they both TOTALLY knew exactly where I was coming from (Although, I didn’t go into any of the details about my sis or the phone play or anything). I just explained how I realized how my self-loathing and insecurities….become self-fulfilling prophecies on their own and it’s a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to step out of.
My therapist made a great analogy that: she knows of several people who are truly afraid of dogs and because of their fears, the dogs senses their fear and then the person usually ends up actually getting bit. Where, like with her for example…she’s never been scared or apprehensive about petting a dog…so she never gets bit…except once when she was 5 and stuck her hand into a car window to pet a dog she didn’t know.
That analogy makes a lot of sense to me…and why all my relationships fall apart so easily and often…b/c I expect that people won’t love me and will hurt me or "bite me" if you will….so I’m highly apprehensive and on guard….too guarded so that it ends up causing the exact opposite of what I want….they all back away from me instead of coming in closer and getting comfortable with just being around each other without there being any fear involved.
Does that make sense?
Well then I asked….how to you STOP being afraid of being emotionally hurt? There are clear cut ways for people to get over fear of dogs….because the object of their fear is a very physical thing that you can clearly see, define and approach a little bit at a time until you become actually comfortable being around the dog and petting it and cuddling or playing fetch or whatever.….
Love and emotions and relationships are NOT that easy. You can’t see exactly what you have to do to "fix" your fears of being hurt because it’s all in your mind…there’s not some magical formula of how to proceed so that the end result will be to get rid of that fear. At least not that I’m aware of anyway.
And then there’s the whole "magic pill" kind of thinking that most of us have dealt with where we just expect to be able to search enough to be able to find that one, easy, "Oh…Okay…so I just do A, B and C in that order and I’m cured!"
That’s the hard part I think I’m having trouble with. I definitely believe my thinking is healthier than it was a year ago…when my final e-mail response to J.B. would probably have been to tell him off for being so "un-understanding" and jumping to conclusions about where my words and thoughts were coming from.. But now, I can greatly respect the fact that he even cared enough to not get mad at me and do the same thing. Instead, he wrote me and asked me to clarify….something that my other 2 former best friends never bothered to do. They didn’t WANT to try to understand because either they just couldn’t for their own reasons or they just didn’t really care enough to try and understand. I don’t know, but I felt lucky that he gave me a chance to TRY and explain things as best as I could. So in that regard…I’ve definitely come a long way from a year ago.
Another thing we discussed in group was how people like us often feel like burdens to the people who do care enough about us to want to understand and help us through the rough patches. I said yea…why should or would ANYONE want to go through all the trouble of attending group therapy and learning about my illness just so they can be my friend? That’s just not fair to them?
And she said…."Well might there actually be some things that they might gain from having you as a friend in return?"
And of course my answer is yes because I do believe that I am a very loving and giving person and have recently discovered that I actually CAN be fun to be around and interact with more than I would have ever guessed (actually, I’ve always believed the total opposite of that). But still….and we didn’t get to go this far in therapy, but…..still that seems like a lot for somebody to go through to be MY friend, when there are a lot of other people out there who are just as loving and caring and fun as I am…and even more so…who the person wouldn’t HAVE to deal with this stuff with them. So why spend their time and energy with me instead of someone else like me without the baggage…to put it a little simpler?
Well, I’ve felt a little shaky today by all of this, of course, but I also feel some empowerment by realizing how my actions and feelings affect the lives of others so much so that it comes back around to me in the negative way that I was trying to avoid in the first place….so…that’s what I’m gunna think on for a few more days or weeks or months, years….however long it takes.
This is the end of a chapter that I intend to include in my book someday….so PLEASE share ANY thoughts or feelings that you may be having on this whole complicated, but important aspect of the affects of depression and low self-esteem set a person up for failure in friendships and romantic relationships..
My eyes feel like they’ve been open and I just pray I can continue to build on this for my continued efforts toward total recovery of heart, spirit, body, mind and soul.
God Bless you all for being with me right now….and for reading through this exhausting, in-depth look at this subject in my life.
May we all find lots of love, self-esteem and self-respect within ourselves and from learning from others here at SR.
Hugs,
Jenna
P.S. I’ve smoked a WHOLE pack of cigs in the 3 hours it’s taken me to put this all together….LOL…so I gotta make a smoke run now! And when I get back, I’m gunna give my mind a rest and just find a movie or something to watch to try and give my brain a rest for today… cause I feel like I’ve just made it to the top of the first major mountain that stands in my way toward total recovery. Whew….what a climb!