pedagogue

Well....now you have an even more important reason to quit.

-pedagogue

shutterbug

still smoking unfortunatly, but I'm going over to my sis's tonight to sell my last 4 cartons of cigs to my brother-in-law. I'm going to use the money to buy some nicotine patches. I just wish those things weren't so darn expensive.

I've been missing my morning dose of meds as of late and I think that's why I've been feeling more depressed than I was. I'm going to have to work harder to take all my meds, but it's hard.

Life....I don't see the joy in it. I feel so alone, so very bored and unmotivated to do anything. There are so many things to do, that have to be done or need to be done, but NO, none, zip energy to do them.

I haven't even felt like reading lately or going to Al-anon mtgs or to my therapist. I've still been doing all those (except Al-anon b/c it makes me feel more alone right now), but with alot of effort and I'm tired.

Suicidal thoughts, that's all - thoughts, are back but not as bad as they were.

I'm tired of my job again....it's like it's all happening all over again. Struggling to get out of bed, even when I've slept for 12 hours or longer. I was doing good at starting to be able to keep my house up (de cluttered and not so trashed out) and then everything fell out from under me again.

I pray I don't have to live the rest of my life this way. I want to quit working so bad right now. I have NOTHING to live for anymore! I mean why am I suppose to go on living like this? Feeling so helpless, ugly, unlovable, tired, resentful, jealous of others, fat, guilty, sad, angry, BORED! Nothing is fun, nothing! I want to bring my ex-alcholic back just to have something to do or think about or at least dream about and occationaly have a few happy moments cuddled up with him. But I can't, I know that. (especially, since he has an STD now!)

Life just seems too hard and so unfair. My memory and concentration levels are down again. My finances and dropped into a black pit of negative numbers. I don't even enjoy visiting my twin nephews b/c it drains me so.

But I digress, I know I have to keep going and will. Why? I don't know. I just know I have to and I resent that very much. I just want to have something to live for. Something that makes me feel alive again, I can't do this on my own, but yet I know I have to. I just wish I had somebody to cuddle with again. Someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I just feel so utterly and completely alone....I keep praying for God's will to be done in my life, but I hope that means someone at some point to hold me and make me feel loved and cherished and important to someone.

pedagogue

shutterbug- Ya always got us at SR. Right now you are down, and it is important that you recognize that this is simply just a phase, and it will get better. I know what you mean about not having everyone around. People go through these periods, and they make them appreciate their relationships that much more, when they come around. Please be careful in regard to your suicidal thoughts. I know you are saying they are just thoughts, but that is something that you really need to keep your therapist aware of. There are plenty of things to live for; some of them are just harder to see now.

Please feel free to drop me a line anytime if you want to chat.

-pedagogue

shutterbug

Yeah, it's really hard to think of anything to look forward to right now. I start crying just thinking about it.

I was in such a horrible funk last night. I wanted to go shopping to ease the pain, but I have given control of all my money over to my mom for this reason and I didn't have any money except $10 so I went and spent that - which helped a tiny bit. I don't understand the connection between bipolar and shopping? But I know there's times when I feel like I'm just going to die or melt away if I don't get to go buy some things for myself. I didn't use to be like this when I was with someone. I would buy things for them instead, but not to any kind of extreme like I spend money now.

Last week I got myself into a huge mess and with the about $300 in overdraft fees, I had NOTHING left of my paycheck when it went into my bank last Friday. So my mom couldn't pay any of my bills and I've been just sucking it up, but it's very hard. I mean, I only bring home $1,200 a month as it is and to having nothing because I was so absent minded to write bad checks...well, it hurts. I'm tired of struggling for finances and my job and my life and well...everything all at the same time. I'm SICK of it.

Oh, and I've started shaking worse than I was. My meds are making me LOOK crazy now! It the worst in the morning when I first wake up. My whole body shakes and I don't' know why. I hate the way it feels.

anyway I'm going to go home early from work today and sleep some more. I will try to write on Monday and let you know how the weekend went.

Thanks for listening Peda. It's good to know that somebody cares.

shutterbug

Live, I'm so very jealous that you and others have people to worry about things like what you are going through with your bf. I don't have anybody right now and it's so damn lonely. I'm not willing to just go to anybody and I'm not willing to change who I am anymore and well, that slims down the picken's for friends and boyfriends and well...I don't know. I know I'm a good person and deserve to be loved...I just have a hard time making myself believe that. I don't' think I'm lovable at all. I hate myself so why shouldn't everyone else.

Sorry, just venting a little bit of my inner tourment.

pedagogue

You need to gather some 'proof' for yourself that you are indeed worthy of love/attention/praise/etc. Right now you aren't really aware of all of the positives, and you are just focusing on the negatives.

The first thing you need to do is commit to writing down 3 things every day that YOU did that were positive, or that you were proud of. Do this for a week, (without skipping days!), and then review everything you wrote. This is an excerise that you should do for an extended period of time, because it took awhile for you to think like this, and it will take awhile for you to change it.

-pedagogue

Live

Shutterbug, I understand.
I am very afraid of depression and the way it makes me feel.
And I have tried every trick in the book to learn to deal with loneliness (I was alone for a very long time), and some days were okay and some weren't. But it is natural to want others, we are made that way. It's very hard feeling so alienated.
But I will say that struggling with all this has made me a strong woman. I quit picking on myself and started patting myself on the back. I use all kinds of tricks. I don't make a to-do list. But when I do something, I write it down and put a line through it. Things like that. And, books have always been some of my best friends. I worked in the hospitality business for awhile and I worked in sales for awhile too, and through that I came to the habit of saying "Hi, how are you with a big smile" to anyone who gets within 10 feet of me. I have kept that habit and recommend it. People perceive you as friendly, and this can lead to little chats and sometime more, like invitations. Even if they don't it makes me feel more social and friendly.
Big hugs through cyberspace,
live

pedagogue

There have been studies done on this, and there is actually a chemical change in your brain when you smile in instances like this. (which is a good thing). It really DOES make a difference.

Great advice.

-pedagogue

shutterbug

Thanks guys, I know I will get out of this eventually and thanks for the tools.


Good things about today
1). I made it to my therapist appointment today even thought I didn't want to go.
2.) I'm wearing the same clothes as yesterday, but I dont' care much what anyone thinks
3.) I pushed the button on my washing machine to make it go.

My therapist is helping me. I'm going back to day treatment tomorrow for a least a few days and taking sick days at work. This should help some. At least I will have people around me who understand.

I just am not looking forward to calling my boss and telling him I'm not coming in.

Bad things about today
1. I cried
2. I spent money I didn't have on shopping and trying to fill some materialist void that isn't there.
3. I didn't shower
4. I hate that I spent money on stupid junk.
5. I want to spend more money on stupid junk.
6. I coulddn't completely do a load of laundry
7. I could go on and on and on.....

Jenna

pedagogue

The object of my suggestion was to concentrate on the positives, not list twice as many negative. We'll have none of that! Positive lists only....

-pedagogue

shutterbug

yeAh, you are right. I was being pretty negative, but that was the place I was in....Negative City.

I went into the hospital again for three days and got out sunday. i'm in day treatment again now. i'm feeling ok at the moment, but yesterday and thursday were bad days.

i'm at my sisters (the only way my doc would let me out of the hospital) now and her computer is hard to type on.

i'm feeling more alone than ever though. my life seems pointless and a burdon to others. I'm still having suciadal thoughts, but i'm not voicing those thoughts again right now, because that's what got me put in the hospital. my doc is making me angry. I told him how tired I was and he told me to quit smoking and lose weight b/c that's why i'm tired. bull sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!! it's called A MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are also telling me to find a new job, take back control over my finances and move to a bigger town! now this would be all fine and dandy if I wasn't going through a MAJOR DEPESSIVE EPISODE!!!!!!!!

shutterbug

i'VE GOT two 17-month-old twins climbing all over me and the computer cords so I can't just I have to worry about loosing all my typing as I go. which is

1. one positive thing in my life today -- my twin nephews
2. I took a relaxing bath tonight
3. I got up and went to treatment today even thought i felt like hammered doggie do.

there's a lot more negative than postive so it's hard to come up with those.

I forgot to mention that I chopped my hair off a couple of weeks ago. It is shoulder lenth now. My hair was long enough that I was able to donate it to locks of love so I quess i can be thankful for that...and everyone really likes it.i've never gotten so many compliments before. it's kinda weird.

shutterbug

i'm thankful for you and live. you are the only ones who seem to care how i'm really doing (or not doing, rather) It means a lot to me that you guys care enough to read my rantings and respond to me. I wish I had more friends like you guys.

i'm so alone in this world. How do I stop feeling so unworthy and so unloved? how do i get out of this? How do I make new friends who will be there even when I'm sick?

Anyway, I rarely feel like checking in on anyother forums or threads so keep me posted on what's going on with you guys. PLEASE?????

Wolfstarr

((((shutterbug))))

I care, really I do. Honest.
You aren't alone...I have a candle burning for YOU right this very minute.

Smile and "Hi how are you?"...Live, I am going to try that tomorrow...I know when people do that to me, I feel great.
Thanks...and Jenna--hugs dear heart.

pedagogue

I agree with Wolfstarr....couldn't have said it better myself.

-pedagogue

shutterbug

I found out today that I've been fired from my job...they've already cleaned out my desk!

boy, when it rains it pours!



P.S. thanks Wolfstar

Live

My posts keep getting dumped.

Jenna,
After I took a leave of absence for depression I was fired from a job I liked and was good at.
It felt like a failure and a loss.
Looking back, it was a good thing. I was cut loose from something that wasn't healthy for me.
I know that you are very talented, however for months you have viewed your job with dread.
Maybe it was well past time to stop putting yourself through that.
Your health and well-being is more important.

I was unwell for quite a while. It was only with the proper treatment, support and time that has changed.

One thing I have to say. If your suicidal thoughts include plans, you belong in the hospital. I don't give a damn what it costs. That is what bankruptcy is for. Call it disaster relief. It isn't going to hurt our economy and it isn't immoral. It is for situations such as these that it is for.

Even tho' I have professional qualifications, I took an interim job as a convenience store clerk. It was FUN! No stress. Not even deciding on what to wear. I love uniforms! And I got to say Hi! How are you to about 400 people a day. And so many people were so friendly to me. Yeah, I know, the income doesn't cut it, but it held me for the interim. I have often underemployed myself when I needed a break. I especially like the ones that involve physical activity too. Great for working out stress and a good kind of tired.

Two years ago I was too shattered to believe in anything. That has turned around 180 per cent. Other people had dreams for me that I could not imagine. And I find myself more surprised than anyone to be living them.

It took time, proper treatment, and time. And slowly, slowly, slowly, each step got a little stronger. So, for now, I and others here will believe in you.
And for all of us, your health comes first.

love, hugs,
live/Tena

pedagogue

I took a position last year that was well below where I was previously....but it was like I took 9 months off. Much less responsibility, regular hours (8:30-4:30pm), and it gave me time to relax for the first time in quite a few years.

Sometimes unexpected change is best. I know I would have kept grinding 80-90hr weeks at my previous job if I wasn't forced to make a decision (corp. restructuring...and I bailed)

At first I thought it was a bad thing...but after some time to think about it...it was exactly waht I needed, because it gave me time to concentrate on myself.

-pedagogue

Kahlia

OK-There is only ONE option...get to a mental health professinal. You probably are going through a depressive state but as we know, you can become manic in about two minutes. You need to be on a med for BiPolar Disease....there are several......Geodon, Abilify etc....they are mood stabilizers. I am on Wellbutrin XL, I stopped taking seroquel because of side effects and my WONDERFUL internest gave me ativan 0.5mgs every 6 hours. I also take Klonopin for panic attacks. YES, I am aware that benzodiazapines are highly addictive but I also know I could NOT function, think, take a bath, comb my hair. I would just feel like YELLING at everyone. My Dr-psych. told me I was having a BiPolar II episode...mania mixed with depression. I would just start feeling really wonderful and then hit rock bottom. As far as getting help-you need to fast. There are many women's centers in your area that offer counseling on a sliding scale fee. I told my collegues at work that I was BiPolar and they finally figured out that I had been ILL......it can be done. there is a stigma attached to mental health issues-sad.....BiPolar disease is a chemical imbalance in the brain-you were born with it. I would imagine if you search your family, somone else has or had it. I know what you are going through and also had a person who actually "led" me into the Dr's office. I was just that out of it.....I am now functioning and not well but better. I have no issue with telling someone that I am BiPolar, it is NOT my fault. I could not take a leave from work as I talked to the Social security board and they said that I would have to be off one year in order to qualify for SS....I decided to tough it out. Once my meds started working, I was like a different person.....it can cripple you, emotionally. I pray you find the help you so need and keep posting as talking helps a lot. I DO understand everything you are saying and then some you have not said yet......email me or private message me. You need someone you can talk to who is bipolar. Everyone here is GREAT. You just need someone who really understands what you are dealing with.......Blessings to you, my bipolar friend........kahlia

Kahlia

Had to re-post....didn't know you lost your job...then you do not need those people is they cannot help and understand. Another job will come along...there are many of them. I know is seems as though there is no light after that but there will be. You are taking baby steps...that is a start and a start always leads to the finish line.......Kahlia