shutterbug

Live,
Well, I got some cheese at Christmas. Thanks for thinking of me during your wonderful party. I had fun with you.


Pedagugoe,
thanks for the scheduled "date with myself" advice. I'm planning to date myself soon. hee hee. Hey, how do you do the multi-quote thing in your responses?

Bekah,
It's very nice to meet you. I'm currently on Lamictal and Effexor for my moods and depression. I've been told that there's no problem of weight gain with the Lamictal and the Effexor, well I've been told it actually helps people lose weight (which I can attest to). I personally would rather be healthy and happy then to worry about my weight issue right now. Once I get stable, then I will focus back on my weight. (I use to weigh 235 and then dropped down to 195 and now am heading back up and am at 112 because I've been too tired to even think about eating healthy and have been craving chocolate like it's going out of style).

(I'm burning some photos onto DVD's to free up space on our server...so I don't feel too bad about doing this while I'm at work.)

UPDATE:

I've very sick. Antibiotics and decongestants aren't working. I got sick while driving down the highway to my sister's for Christmas and had to pull over. This is really gross, but I had big blood clots coming out of my nose. One of my bosses said it's caused from the sinus infection (which is now in my longs as bronchitis).

I started using my CPAP machine last night (for sleep apnea) it's going to take me a while to get use to it, but if the docs are right then I should start feeling better soon.

I was up for nearly 3 days over the holidays (slightly manic) and crashed really hard into a depression Saturday night. Sunday was spent sleeping all day. Every time I woke up, I could barely keep my eyes open. Monday I was off work and I slept late and then got some energy to work on cleaning the house. It felt good to get some things done, but very disappointing not to get enough done (but I know I shouldn't be hard on myself for that and that I should focus on how much I did instead of how much I didn't do - but it's hard).

One of my friends/co-workers turned in her resignation last week and my boss already knows who he is hiring. It is some guy that he interviewed already(when he put out the ad for my position. I hadn't known that he had interviewed someone...this shows even more intent on him letting me go because of my illness and medical leave). This is one thing that I am definetly going to see through until he is demoted out of that position (so as to stop making this such a horrible place to work) or fired all together. I don't think I'm being vindictive...just pointing out all the laws he's broken and continues to break. I'm standing up for myself and my co-workers because I refuse to let this man continue treating us all this way.

Anyway, my friend... (the one I wrote the letter to) well he is treating my horribly. I spent 2 days putting together a Christmas tree, stocking and presents to leave for him on Christmas day (a Santa gift, if you will - because he really doesn't have any family). Then on Christmas, my dad forgot to bring him to our family's for dinner so I left to go get him. He made me sit and stare at the walls for 20 minutes while he talked on the phone and then he refused to go. I missed my Christmas with my family becasue I was trying to reach out to him.

Then after work I went over to his house (as he said he wanted me to do) and again, he spent 80 percent of the time on the phone with other people until I had had enough and left. He called me and appologized (kinda) and then proceeded to put me down for using therapy and medications to try and get well. He said he wasn't doing things right and that he was afraid I would be one of those people who end up worse because of the meds. He was very horrible to me. I had been pouring my heart out to him and all he could do was put me down. He said he couldn't deal with my mood swings and I said, "Then you're not a true friend," and he screamed, "Yeah, you're right! Don't ever call me again!" - and he hung up on me. He called back 5 minutes later and appologized, but still continued to put me down.

Me and my dad can see that he is bipolar himself and he is in a somewhat manic (or mixed - not sure) state right now and has the paranoia that often goes along with it...he thinks everyone is against him and that he is right and no one else is. I remember being that way 7 years ago. And his pride and ego is so huge that he refuses to look at himself to see what part he plays in his failed friendships. He tells me I'm crazy...in the most derogatory ways imaginable...and all I know to say is, "You're right...I am crazy."

It's weird that he can't understand my depression and mood swings...because he has the same history as I do in this regard (plus he's an alcoholic who refuses to admit it).

I'm really hurt by this because I love him so much. I guess I'm finding out what it's like to be on the other side of a bipolar crisis (it's just hard since I'm going through my own at the same time). I guess I will just have to stay away from him until he decides to get some help for himself. It's so hard to know what to do when you are in the middle of the situation. So any outside perspectives or suggestions would be great.

Thanks for listening (reading). I must get back to work.

Lov,
Jenna

On

pedagogue

I just add more HTML tags. It sounds hard, but is actually very easy. Every tag has beginning and and an end. You can find the tags by looking for the brackets. "[" "]" when you quote someone. The beginning opens the quote: [ QUOTE=NAME ], and the ending bracket [ /QUOTE ] 'closes' the quote. It works on the same concept as adding italics, bold, etc.

By looking at you, he is looking in the mirror. He sees what he is feeling, and because of his hang ups and misconceptions about therapy and medication...he is taking it out on you.

It is hard to give advice specifically (because I don't know many of the related factors), but don't write him off because he needs help too. Unfortunately you may need to limit your time with him because you have worked hard to get yourself back on a good path, and he may drag you down if you are not careful.

-pedagogue

Live

hey all, how ya doing?

Shutterbug. When people tell me they don't want me anymore, I say fine and go on as if they mean it. That often surprises them. And with this guy saying mean and AB
USIVE things to you, maybe you don't need that in your life right now.

My ex-boyfriend had the meanest mouth. When I finally left, there was no contact for almost 2 years. Now we are good friends, and he talks to me with complete respect and is a cheerleader for me. He knows that if he starts talking badly to me, I will close the door on any communication. I am a cheerleader for him too now. So we both value the friendship. But it took me walking away and staying away for a long time.
Please don't let anyone put you down!

Pedagogue, I spend a whole lot of time studying healthy living, habits, thinking and behavior. But just like we laugh when someone slips on a banana, yes, I would laugh to see this one person stub their toe. I don't wish any suffering on them and yes, you are right some people are just better at hiding their bad days.
For me, I am learning how to have more and more good days.
I also laugh at me when I stub my toe. Most of the time.
I don't want to be malicious. It's bad for my health.

junem

Hello Shutterbug and all,
My name is June and I was finally properly diagnosed as bipolar at the end of Nov. I since have been stabilized for the most part on my meds and am feeling pretty good. I read that it takes on average 8 yrs of misdiagnosis before most bipolars are properly diagnosed. I have a strong family history for the disease on both sodes of my family. My greatest problem now is learning what to do when I am in a hypomanic state. The last time I was in this state was Dec2 and I felt so agitated and wound up that I was out of control. I ended up relapsing that night. I am trying to figure out how I vcan avoid this from happening in the future. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Live

Can you run to a meeting as if your life depended on it?

junem

I was on my way home from a meeting when it happened and not a single tool I have learned to cope with this sort of thing, entered my head. I could think of nothing except drinking. It was very scarey.

shutterbug

(((Junem)))

If you don't mind, could you tell me what it feels like to you when you are in a hypomanic state? What are your thoughts, motivations, impulses, reactions, triggers, physical and emotional feelings? How does it make you want to act? What happens when you "get out of control."

I've read a bunch about it and I think I've been hypomanic before, but I want to know what it's like for others so I can see if it's the same for me (or do I have it all wrong)?
Also, I'm wondering if you may also be experiencing an anxiety or panic attack? I've had 3 and they S-U-C-K....SUCK!!! Especially when your driving down a busy highway at rush hour and it's dark and raining and you're not sure where your going as it is....I thought I would die!

Anyway, I'm wondering if any kind of relaxation techniques would work?

HUGS
Jenna

shutterbug

Well guys, you ought to see me. My face is tore-up to near shreads. My anxiety/stress level has me constantly SI. I can not control it. People have been asking me at work about what's wrong with my skin. One of my bosses even asked if I had the measels. I'm tearing myself apart - literally. I've never been this bad in my life.

Oh and my insurance co-pay's went up now I pay $30 per doc visit instead of $20 (6 visits or more a month and there's $180) and the co-pays for my perscriptions have gone up (One script alone cost me $50 and three of them are $30 and one is $20 = Total med cost is $160 a month) So my continued recovery is costing me around $340 a month. And that's not even including the monthly costs to pay back my medical bills from the year $25 pymt a month ($2,100 total) for an emergency room visit for asthma; ? a month for the $ $4,500 I owe for a month of day treatment; and nearly $1,000 or more that I owe for my 2 sleep studies; oh and don't forget the $40,000 I owe in student loans that I used to graduate and get a job that I can barely function at because I'm mentally disabled; then add $167 car payment, $160 a month for natural gas; $15 for phone; $40 for water; $60-80 for gas for car; $40-60 for cigs; and I don't know how much I spend on food; but I have to try and do all of this on less than $1,300 a month. It's just impossible. And even more impossible if I get fired. My mom is finally doing my bills for me. I hand everything over to her and as much of my paycheck as possible and she works out deals with the companies and figures out how much to pay now and how much to pay later and then she actually sticks to those plans. I don't know how it can work b/c of the shear amounts that I owe, but I know I definetly can't do any of it for myself right now. I don't even take the mail out of the mail box because it just stresses me out more and more.

Sorry to be such a boring downer. I'm actually really happy that my mom is helping me try to straighten all this out for me, it's just overwhelming...way too overwhelming for me. Especially when about the only thing that makes me happy now days is bargain shopping occationally when I pass a neat second hand store or a book store or what have you. I hate having to find space for it all, but it just makes me feel good. Well, I'm having to end ALL of it. Even the Dollar Tree is out (and I just got a DVD player for Christmas and they have DVD's for $1, but I have to make myself stay away - IT SUCKS!!! And my house smells like a dog house b/c my dogs aren't completely house trained and when I can't even get myself up to pee, how can I possibly get up for them to! I hate myself and am disqusted with myself for all of the above. I hate living this way - actually it's not living, it's just barely existing, but no body sees. There's no way I could tell anyone 1/2 the stuff I tell you guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to.

My friend, the one I wrote the sweet loving letter to....well, I went all out to surprize him on Christmas. I even snuck a Christmas tree with a stocking a presents and the works onto his front porch. I spent two days working on a book called "Bear Hugs" that is a friendship and love book that is full of inspirational sayings and I went through it, page-by-page, and made personal notes to him on 1/2 the pages of the book. It's a long story, but he invited me over Christmas night and ignored me by talking on the phone for an hour (to 2 or 3 different people) and then he called me later and got into it with me (trying to blame me for stuff that I didn't even know what he was taking about) and was critisizing me up and down and telling me I need to quit going to therapy and get off the meds and said he didn't have time to deal with me. I said, "well, then your really not a true friend then."
And he screamed, "Yeah, your right! Don't ever call me again!" and hung up the phone on me. he ended up calling me back 5 minutes later and kinda apologized and then tried critisizing me again.

We became friends one year ago on New Year's Eve an had an innocent slumber party at my house...so on New Year's Eve this year, I went by his house at midnight and left him a "Happy 2005" "thinking of you" note and then I went home and cried. He called me at 2:30 a.m. and asked me to come over and watch movies with him and he would charcole hambergers and we would have a reunion sleep over. It was a lot of fun and I thought our friendship had been mended, but that morning when I went outside to smoke a cig, he jumped on the phone and stayed on it for nearly half an hour. I waited on him to get off, because I had to go to work, but he just kept talking. Finally, I walked in and said, "I know you don't realize it, but you are being rude to me again."

He blew up at me and told me to just leave and then he wrote me a very nasty e-mail where he basically kept calling me crazy and even said I was going through an identity crisis because I signed some of my e-mails to him with "Jenna." I go by Jenna in my recovery stuff, because my aunt (who died from drug overdose 5 years ago) gave me that nick-name. So it's my way of honoring her life and my lack of understanding at the time of what she was going through. But my friend just thinks I'm crazy. Well, I know I am, legally, but you wouldn't know it if you met me. He has become so discriminatory and hateful. One minute he says I'm his favorite girl and wants me to move in (on a platonic level so we are helping each other survive right now) and then then next he says he wants nothing to do with me. In the e-mail he again said for me to never contact him again. Then a day later he called me saying he wanted me to come over and watch movies again. When I told him I was still hurt he kept telling me I was being a child and to just drop it, "because what does it mean in the grand scheme of things." He said that we are all so mynute (sp?) that none of it mattered and when I was his age (13 years older) then I would understand that things like him hurting me just doesn't matter one bit.

I know he has mental illness issues that he refuses to accept and he is self-medicating with alcohol (and refuses to except his dependence on it), but how can I toss him out of my life when I know what a black hole he is in. He does see me as a mirror and it scares him and makes him defense about the smallest things. The tiniest infraction in his mind can set him off on anyone. He has such a hot temper, especially, if he thinks someone is not bowing to everything that he thinks is the way things should be. He says I'm draining to deal with, but he's draining me completely. He is the only person that has the ability to hurt me this much right now because I love him so much. I'm not IN love with him, but I love him dearly. He's my bud and he means a lot to me (and to be completely honest...I do have a few confusing feelings for him, but I wouldn't act on them b/c of the friendship).

I know I need to get back to the level of activity I use to have in Alanon, but I just can't find the time or energy for meetings. I made a deal with my therapist Monday that I would attend at least one mtg this week and if I could make 2 then it would just be a bonus. I planned to go to the 6 p.m. mtg tonight, but I had to take my lunch break from work at 4 p.m. b/c I was falling asleep sitting up and needed coffeed very badly and I was feeling bad so I rested over at my moms while I drank my coffee. And the next mtg is Thursday, but I have a photo assignment to cover at the same time as the mtg. I don't know. I know I can't let my friend bring me down like this. I just can't. I have enough on my plate right now, but I miss him. I miss feeling adored and cared about and being able to fall asleep in bed with a man and not having to worry one little ioda about anything except getting a good and confy night's sleep.

I guess I'm jonesing for any kind of intimacy right now (especially the innocent, child-like kind). I know I can't keep dwelling on him and our issues right now as friends, but it's hard. I don't have a single confidant right now, except you guys of course. And I'm not dismissing any of you - you are my angels - especially you Live, Moot and Peda! If I didn't have you guys and this place...I just don't know what I would do.

I'm struggling still...always, it seems. Too many people keep dying. My great aunt last week, one of my highschool friends partner died in his house fire and my friend barely made it out. My neighbor died, one good friend died a few months ago and a new friend died just before that. I'm guessing one of my grandparents will go next. Probably my grandpa because he's not doing so well and it will be the hardest for me to handle. But Lord I pray nothing happens to him any time soon!

Anyway, the weather is getting worse outside by the minute so I'm heading home and to bed. Hopefully a decent night's sleep (if possible) will help me feel better tomorrow. If I'm lucky maybe I will get the energy to clean on my house or get my driver's liscense renuewed or something that I need to do.

This is the end of my rambling for today.

Lov you guys and hope you are all having a happy 2005,
Jenna

junem

Shutterbug, you asked me to explain my hypomanic state and I will do so gladly.
As well as being BPII, I suffer from PTSD and as such have experienced anxiety attacks. Hypomania for me feels very different than an anxiety attack.
With hypomania there is an overall feeling of euphoria that gets punctuated by short bouts of irritability. I lose the need for sleep and when I do sleep it is a broken sleep. Despite not sleeping I do not feel tired and I have alot of nervous energy. I feel extremely alert. I usually will over eat and have an increased libido. All of this is usually quite bearable and I get alot of things achieved due to all my energy. People notice that I tend to talk fast and have pressured speach. Sometimes my thoughts jump from topic to topic rather quickly.However, if I become overwhelmed or overstimulated while hypomanic my thoughts will race uncontrollably and I become physically very restless and fidgetty. I may find a need to pace or wring my hands. I will start to feel like a tightly wound spring that is about to pop and I have the feeling that I am going to loose all control and that is very anxiety provoking. I am afraid that I might do something way to impulsively and crazy. Also I feel like every nerve cell in my body is super hyper. It becomes very hard to focus at these moments and to stay grounded. Various grounding techniques can be helpful at this time and decreasing stimuli is a must. Ultimately though, the most effective thing for me at this time is to take a low dose antipsychotic to help bring myself down. Anyway, this has been my experience. I hope this has been helpful to you.

Live

Shutterbug,
I didn't respond yesterday, because I didn't want to be reactionary.
You know I care very much for you and your welfare, I hope.

Now, I am going to say something that probably will not sit well.
If you can go watch movies with this dude, you can go to a meeting.
One is endangering and hurting you, the other builds you up.

You have too much pain going on to expose yourself to more harm.
We need to avoid people, places and things that are damaging to us.

You can do it one day at a time, just for today, I will not.....

junem I am sorry I did not read this post before I responded to your other one.
I have PTSD and general anxiety disorder as well as depression.
I wonder...do you take the antipsychotic at the beginning of this phase or only when it gets out of hand?

My perspective these days, and after having fought taking one of my meds until people everywhere would be yelling at me "Take your meds" including those who recognize when I am in trouble with the anxiety because I get it in my head I want to kick them. Right here in these boards. They know when I am not taking them, even if I don't tell them.
So, for me now, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Jenna, I am sorry to be a nag. But this guy is abusive towards you. Abuse will make you sicker. Said with love in my heart,
live

Live

On a lighter note I am breaking all records for taking showers.
Why? Because it is unbearably, stifling, I can't stand it HOT here.
I have been running to the shower to stand under the cold water and laying around naked with a fan pointed at me. Guzzling water.
Please let it rain tonight!

I have one of the best rooms in the hotel, with good ventilation and a ceiling fan and another fan I bought.
The nights are cool and I open everything up and circulate and bring in the cool air.
My room is a haven to the people on the fourth floor whose rooms are ovens.
During the day I have to close everything to bar the heat.
I open my door and welcome all to a respite in the evenings aroung 9 or 10,
put in concerts, share a little wine.
One friend is funny, he is an older man and I think he would put up with anything, Metallica you name it just to get to be in some fresh cool air.
Last night, we watched the first half of a Genesis concert and then I told him, I needed to get on the computer for a little bit. He laid down on the hard wood floor, pointed the fan at himself and promptly fell asleep.

Another friend knocked on my door at 6:30 yesterday evening, but I didn't answer. I need to let her know that is my siesta time, 9 or 10 is better. I feel bad because I heard her knock and called out in English who is it? She doesn't understand English, and talking in my sleep, fell right back asleep. I feel bad about that.
Today I will tape a note on my door.
For what time the international lounge is open.

The rooms on the 4th floor are inhuman. Top floor with the sun beating onto the brick patios absorbing all the heat. She told me the night before last that neither she nor her husband slept at all because of the heat. I loaned her my fan the next night.

I am also the only one with a laptop in my room, so I am the home theater. Dvd concerts. But I still think they would pretend to like anything I put in, just to get to cool off.

You know it is bad, I am showering!

pedagogue

These are things that your psychologist NEEDS to know about. I don't care if you leave him or her a VM right now, but you need to call them. SI is never ok, and you need to take steps to help protect yourself during these moments of conflict.

$$ is one of the most common stressors for people, and in your case...it is not an exception. You made a great first step by enlisting the help of your mother, and you need to trust her to make it work for now....you need to concentrate on the issues at hand. (SI, depression, stabalizing your day to day functioning, etc)

I will reiterate what I said before...you need to limit your contact because he will bring you down. He is all over the place, and what you need now is stability. I know you want to seek out intamacy (in a non-sexual way), but please consult your family, friends, and others...because you need to watch out for you right now.

It is good to acknowledge that you need this, and that you made a deal with your therapist....but YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THROUGH. You have shown you can, but you can't drag your feet! You need to be proactive in how you approach your goals. You gave a list of reasons why you COULDN'T go. Instead you need a list of reasons of why you NEED to go.

Ahh yes....I know the feeling, though trust me when I say this will not be a healthy thing to do. You have already readily admitted some "confused feelings"....one of the LAST things you need right now is more on your mind. I can understand that you crave the intamacy, but the trade off of emotional wear and tear isn't worth it.

I understand where you are coming, and I think you know that right now it is more than you can handle, so I am not going to dwell on this. Please feel free to lean on us because there are some great resources and people here. (You can always feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent)

Unforunately that is a part of life. Sometimes it is helpful to celebrate the lives of those people (and your own). There is an expected grieving period, but don't let that period turn into something more. Remember, you need to watch out for yourself right now.

In closing, I just wanted to reiterate to try and take one thing at a time and remember that many people have walked down a similar path and have come out the other side.

Best of luck with everything, and keep us in the loop.

-pedagogue

Live

Pedagogue,
What is a VM?

pedagogue

Voice mail and/or voice message.

-pedagogue

Live

boy, am I sick. My first thought was violent message. Like when I called the dentists after 10 days of unbearable pain, and calling them everyday and the nurse doing the there there thing and never telling the doctor and when I couldn't take it another minute, I called them and told them that if they couldn't help me then I was going to the emergency room, where they could at least treat the pain. I didn't say it nicely.

They got me in. The dentist looked at me with half my face swollen and said why didn't you call, worse than having babies eh? And did an emergency surgery right then and there.
I was in too much pain to move my mouth and tattle on the nurse.

shutterbug

Thanks guys for all your thoughts. And no I'm not mad at you Live. I know that you truely care about my well-being, as I do yours. You are right although the problem is that I can watch movies late in the evening, but Alanon only meets at certain times on certain days.

I was planning to attend the Tues & Thurs mtgs this week. Well, I had to work right through the Tuesday meeting with no way out of it. And Thursday, my boss handed me my "Absolute Final Warning" for termination. I was already sick Thursday, so after we got through yelling at each other, I left for the day (stopping by a law office to make an appointment for next week) and went home and got sicker. My current depression, sinus and lung infection, sleep apnea and my PTSD (which always comes into play amidst confrentation) - just wiped me completely. Nothing I do seems to take care of this sinus crap. My nerves are so ramped up and it's like I'm in a fight-or-flight mode...which I am. It's really taking it's toll on my body and my mind.

I feel myself starting to slip back down into that place where I don't know much of what's going on around me and am too overwhelmed to care.

I'm loosing myself again. The smallest things stress me out. I would have never imagined how miserable mental illness could be. My dreams have turned to nightmares.

I have a million reasons to go to Alanon, but it's taking every bit of will power I have to get to work and not tell my boss to shove it. And when I go to Alanon, well he attends AA in the same building! And knows all the same people! I've attended other home groups, but they only meet once a week and my home group holds 3 mtgs a week. I hate my life right now. I either foget about the meetings until they're over or I can't go b/c of work or something stupid like being so physically sick.

My mind is so clouded right now AND I'M TIRED OF BEING SO NEGATIVE and poor poor me!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just sick of myself. I can't hardly stand it.

I will get better in a few days. I know this. So I will wait it out. Today was a stressful work day since I had a national story to write and it wasn't even on my reporting beat. It took me all day just to make the contacts, interviews and background research. I'm drained. Completely drained.

My therapist is aware of my SI. We haven't talked about it yet, but everyone can see it as clear as the nose on my face. The cold weather is healing my skin a little though and I've been wearing make-up more often again so that hides some of it too.

I don't really get the whole PM thing, because I feel the purpose of this forum is to say whatever. I don't want to hide anything or keep anything from anyone, but I'm stubbornly learning that's not always a good idea.

As for my friend, I have so much as tried to contact him. Instead, I went home and picked up my Alanon book and the page it opened to was on DETACHMENT which is the word I keep readily available in my mind now when I start missing him. I still miss him, but I miss the person he use to be with me and not the abusive person he is now. So detachment it is. (The problem is that I feel detached from EVERYONE!!!) My life is a very lonely and sad place to be right now. I know I keep saying that and I'm sorry you guys have to keep reading it, but that is just the truth of it.

Just when I think I'm about to reach a plateau, on the mountain range that is my life, I discover it's just a cliff that heads straight up an even harder climb. I wish, instead, my life could be a bubble floating on a calm and peaceful sea...yeah right! Don't we all! Like the bubble, I wish I could just hit the surface and disappear. No angry, revengeful, former alcholic boss who happens to be near incompetent to boot! No mounting bills and shrinking income! No friends who turn their back on you when you need them the most. No failing body that gets sicker with nearly every breath. No painful memories of lost love lessons. Just the air. Nothing, but air. I wish I were air.

I'd better go home. I'm getting a little delusional I think. It's been a long 6 months. Thanks for sticking it out with me. Bless you guys for being so giving of your time for me! I can't thank you enough. Just knowing that someone, anyone is on my side - just because they care - well, it's not something I'm use to and I'm not sure I know how to really even handle it. I keep waiting for you guys to abandon me too. I know you won't or that if you do it's just because you have your own lives to deal with. I just hope you guys can stand me long enough for me to come out on the other side of this demon I'm battling right now in my life.

I lov you guys,
Goodnight for now,
Jenna (the girl who is having every problem EXCEPT an identity crisis!)

P.S. Can I just say....I am feeling hate toward my so-called friends. And I don't usually even use that word. But I just want to scream and yell an kick and say f-this and f-that and F-YOU!! I'm so mad at him and everyone else for being so narrow minded and hurtful. How will I ever be able to trust another person in real life? Stupidly, probably....Okay, i'm getting myself worked up for no worthwhile reason. I just need someone I can call and feel comfortable crying to or laughing with over the shear crazyness of my life. And no I won't calm down. I don't have to calm down. I deserve to loose m head once in a while for being treated the way I have. I am P.O'd - but not at you guys. you guys are great (I think I just had a rapid cycle, on the shallow side my illness. It wasn't full-blown, but I went from feeling love, to physical hate, and back to love, all in about a single minute. ** to the tune of happy birthday:} HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME, HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR JENNA, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME...I ACT LIKE A CRAZY AND I POP PILLS LIKE ONE TOO. ((((***Gong***)))

Am I making sense? Of course, I'm not making sense, but that's ok. I'm use to it.

Live

Sorry I sent you a pm. I was trying to use discretion. I don't know why I thought or felt that. I won't do it to you again, okay?

I am not going to get tired of you, I think you are one very special totally cool woman with alot of guts and courage. And you help so many others here with your openess, your time, your honesty. You help me. Thank you.

Your feelings make sense to me. It is a very frustrating situation. And the pressure just keeps piling up.

I take back that thoughtless comment about al-anon and the dude. It was truly just that, thoughtless. I am sorry.

hugs,
live

pedagogue

This is a great point, read it again.

-pedagogue

shutterbug

Oh, my dear Live...I wasn't directing that comment about the PM from you sweetheart! I am so very sorry it came across that way. I BEG your forgiveness. Actually, I was refering back to one of Peda's posts where she said something like if I ever felt like I just needed to totally vent to someone that I was always welcome to PM her, which was very dear of her. I was basically just saying that I vent all the time in all my posts and I'm more open and honest with you guys then I have EVER been with anyone. I even tell you guys the most disgusting things that I am totally, totally ashamed of, so I was just saying...that I think it's better for me (right now at least) to do all me venting in my thread b/c it's all a part of my recovery process that I am struggling with.

I was very glad to get your message the other day. It was the first thing that appeared on my screen and it helped me to quickly find the place you were directing me to, which was a MUCH NEEDED thread/sticky. Thank-you for that.

Anyone is welcome to PM me ANYTIME!!! Please don't get that impression. I enjoy them. I was just trying to explain why I don't tend to PM people very often. I hope I'm making sense and not offending you or Peda or anyone else because that couldn't be further from my intensions. I feel so horrible. Live you reached out to me and lead me to a place I needed to go and in return, you ended up feeling horrible. I hope you can forgive me?

And you don't have to appologize for the Alanon and dude thing either. Your comments were TRUE and have helped me.

1. you made me think more about how I could help myself remember and/or plan for the Alanon mtgs that I have been craving...which led to me realizing that if I write the mtg times into my schedule book along with my work appointments, then it will be easier for me to schedule around the meetings AND not to forget them!!! I probably wouldn't have realized this simple little effort that could help me in this area if you hadn't replied the way you did.

2. You, Peda, my therapist, my neighbor and my sister ALL said the same thing... that I needed to not let this friend or anyone else abuse me. That was exactly what I needed to hear. And I'll tell you why. You had a lot to do with me going home and instead of calling my friend and getting treated horribly that night, I picked up Alanon book and realized I needed to detach myself from him and his problems and the hurtful things he had been saying to me. I didn't call him! That was a triumph for me b/c when there is discord btwn me and anyone else, I am drawn to try and resolve the conflict completely and I never feel rested until things get resolved. I desperately wanted to talk to him, but suddenly, I had the courage to demand that NO ONE is going to treat me badly.

AND GET THIS - b/c I was in this frame of mind when he called me Saturday evening, the situation went like this: He called and said hi. I returned the pleasantries. He told me about the healthy/healing book he's was reading and that he thought I should read it. I gently responded to a particulary subject whe had spoken of previously b/c I wanted him to know that IT WAS ALL OK! ---- And I bet you can guess what he did then? He immediately jumped into the "attack Jenna" mode. But I didn't give him time to even get the first hateful sentence out before I hung up the phone on him! (Now this is a rare thing for me to do). Soon he called me back and began begging my forgiveness for how he has been treating me and everyone lately and that a week ago he realized he had to get away from the booze and get back on his true path in life. His sudden ability to see how he had been acting was all it took. For the next 2 hours, we had the most spiritually lifting and healing conversation I have ever had. He is the most knowledgeable person I know in reference to the Bible and lately my spirit and faith have been growing x-fold and it has left me with a lot of unanswered questions. We not only got over the discord we had been having as friends and forgave each other for it, but we were able to confide in each other and work through some things in our lives on such a level that I can't even begin to explain. This man has so much love in his heart for everyone, but sometimes he sucumbs to the world and forgets momentarily about the distruction alcohol brings to his life, mind, heart, spirit and soul. But the man I spoke with the other night was the same friend I came to love as my best friend a year ago. Like I said. There is no way to describe it, but it's like God lifted all the hate from him and he was my beautiful friend again.

Now, because I believe he is possibly bipolar and an alcoholic in denial, I hold no expectations of him. I know there is a chance he could be that hateful monster the next time I talk to him and I'm prepared for that if it happens, but I'm praying it doesn't.

THE POINT IS::: I won't let him treat me any other way than lovingly and with respect or else he is not deserving of my friendship at that time.

I DESERVE TO BE FREE FROM ABUSE AND THAT'S WHAT I AM DEMANDING FROM NOW ON FROM EVERYONE IN MY LIFE! And without you guys I don't think I would have the strength to say that, let-a-lone BELIEVE it.

3. The final thing I would like to tell you Live is that your comments about Alanon and my friend were not thoughtless at all. Your first instincts are usually the truest so don't doubt yourself. Had you known the whole situation you would have been EXACTLY, POSSITIVELY, UNDENIABLY RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!!!!! And I thank you for having the curage to point things out to me like that. It is NOT your fault for not having the whole story. You had no way of knowing that the only time I had spent with him over the last 6 months (except on new year's) was for maybe a total of an hour or two. When I was talking about watching movies with him, I was mainly referring back to when we first became friends and we would spend several nights a week watching movies together or just hanging out. It was a beautiful, child-like, time in our friendship as it was growing. I was at such peace during those times with him and here lately I have been remenicing and basically saying "Ahh, those were the days."

I wan't you to ALWAYS feel that you can be completely and totally honest with me and feel free to tell me ANYTHING that's on your mind and PM me ANYTIME!!

Everything you say resenates with me b/c I feel your suggestions come directly from what you think is in my best interest. I need that. I need to know what you think is best for me. You are not personally jaded by any motivations except to see me healthy and happy and I hold that with high regard. You and I have formed a very real connection here b/c we can empathetically feel each other's real pain. We know what it is like for one another and we can be totally honest with each other. Telling each other when we need to open our eyes a little wider or to suck it up when that's what we are lacking...well that is the beauty of our friendship. Please, I beg of you not to feel like you have to walk on egg shells with me. And when I read back through my post, I realized that it might have seemed like I was cursing at you or going off on you and that's not what I meant. I wasn't refering to ANYONE here at SR. I was feeling hurt from some people in my daily life - particularly, this man friend of mine. I'm sorry if there was any confusion.

This response probably seems like too much, but I just want you to understand what your friendship means to me. You have gotten me through some of the toughest days of my life!!! Really! I mean it!! And I am so very, very grateful - more than words could ever express. I mean, come on girl, don't you know that it was YOU that gave me the courage to check myself into a mental institution so I could get immediate help and medication!!! I was scared to absolute freak'n death over the whole 'looney bin" thing. You showed me I didn't have to look at it that way. You told me it could possibly be the best decision I could have ever made. And you know what?? It WAS!! If I hadn't checked in to the hospital that day...I truely believe it would have only been a matter of days or weeks before I would have taken my life into my own hands and then I wouldn't be sitting here typing to you right now. You were being the same wonderful person then as you are now.

(((LIVE)))) Thank you for being one of my dearest friends. You quite possibly saved my life with your words of wisdom and your caring ways.

Lov always,
Your friend,
Jenna

pedagogue

Fixed.

I am glad that you were able to talk to your friend and hopefully work towards a better friendship.

-pedagogue