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Old 12-12-2004, 12:05 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Sorry for all the grumpiness. I just get so angry at it all some times and I just want to scream at the world and just tell everyone just how bad I feel and if they only knew then they would know how wonderful their lives really are. I'm just mad. I'll get un mad later and become my sweet self again I suppose, but right now it's not happening. Goodnight.

Yes, I'm a little bit grinchy! ok, A LOT!!
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Old 12-12-2004, 08:27 AM   #62 (permalink)
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This may be a silly question.....
Do you have any friends or family members who can pay your bills and car expenses for you (with your money)? Take a little of the burden off your back until you are coping better?

Quote:
Yes, I'm a little bit grinchy! ok, A LOT!!
I can defiitely relate to THAT one.
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Old 12-13-2004, 10:58 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Shutterbug: I had this great (long) response are typed up, and then I accidently dislodged my battery from my laptop, and my words went *poof* SO....you will now get the abridged version of my response.

:thumbsup: For how you handled your situation at work. You showed the initiative and ability to resolve that problem, which is a great step in the right direction. It is important to celebrate the small wins on your way to bigger ones.

Don't stress out over the possibility of being thrown in jail....it won't happen for your situation...HOWEVER, you need to work on getting some of those nagging problems solved. I think you should make a list and try and schedule when you are going to do each task.

I suggest you try and develop a "sleep routine" to better prepare yourself to make the most out of your sleep time. Your bedroom should be your sanctuary. You are there to sleep. Not read, or do anything else. Sex can be done on the kitchen table, I don't care. Just like most people have a 'routine' i the bathroom before they go to bed, you need to extend upon that routine to the bedroom. Personally I find some light meditation works wonders. I have certain thoughts that 'ground' me and flush out all of that extra crap bouncing around in my head. After about 10 min or so, I can usually go to sleep easily. Everyone has a different approach, but the important thing is to find out what works for you.

As for your diagnosis.....it is good to put a name to some of the symptoms and feelings you have been having. Btw...loonyness and crazy are NOT clinican terms, therefore I stricken them from your vocab. As for your confusion about MDD and BP...from my understanding (take with a grain of salt, because I am not a licensed professional) you probably presented with MDD, but once your manic episodes kicked in, the diagnosis was switched to BP. The rapid cycling speaks to the frequency and onset of your manic episodes, and it seems to fit from what you have been describing. The other diagnosises (sp?) make treatment a bit more complicated....HOWEVER, now that you know what you are dealing with, you can work with your doctors and start working towards improving your overall well-being.

As for your doctors not fully understanding the effort it takes for you to get up in the morning, get dressed, etc....I think you might be partially right, and partially wrong. Marked ability to function 'normally' is one factor used to measure the level of impairment caused by the disorder. So it isn't that they don't believe you that it is hard....I am sure they know it is hard for you, but they probably initially thought that you were functioning at a highly level then was the case. The best thing for you to do....TALK TO THEM. Make sure they understand where you are coming from, and hopefully you can make some progress with some of those issues. For instance, for many people with severe MDD, getting showered and dress is a small victory.

I wish you continued improvement. I was all over the place responding to you, so if you have any questions, drop me a PM and I can further elaborate.

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Old 12-14-2004, 09:40 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Moot, I give you thanks for inspiring my new favorite holiday terms of "Grinchmas" and "Grinchy." :tongue3:

And that's a good idea about the bills. I was just talking to my mom last night about having all my bills sent to her house and then talking most of my pay check to her each time. My mom's not good with balancing a checkbook, but her and my step-dad have become very miserly and so I know my mom will help me to pay my bills on time so I won't have to pay late fees or re-connect fees.

I just have to make myself call all the places and change my address information so they start sending the bills to her house.

I've gotten so apathetic as of late, that I usually don't even bothered to take my mail out of the mail box (located right next to my front door). It'll go a week or two piling up until I finally grab it all and bring it in (or my mom has brought it in a couple of times when she's been over to let the gas company in and things). My mail lady probably hates me.

And then opening it is a whole nother' story.

So you are very right. If I can take a few small steps to get things set up that way, then it will save me a lot of stress and money too.

PEDAGOGUE: Thanks so much for the response! The abridged version works just fine for me. :-)

The thing with work was a HUGE victory for me. It's the first time I really stood up for myself when everyone else was telling me I was wrong. Normally, I would have sucumbed to the majority instead of my own knowledge, but this time God gave me the strength to stand strong and put my neck on the line in order to prove myself and to come out victorious. It was probably the biggest most impactful win I can ever remember having. I've been telling my co-workers and bosses for 2 years that I have a keen sense for understanding the law, but no one believed me until now. Now, everyone KNOWS that I DO know what I'm talking about and that I'm not the half-wit that management acts like I am.

As for my car issues,I pray everytime I get in it. I don't see how they wouldn't throw me in jail for having an invalid drivers license, no insurance and no tag. I'm completely driving illegally. I know for a fact that they can impound my vehicle because the impounded one of my ex's for a less. God has been on my side thus far. I've had countless cops and highway patrol officers behind me on the highways and at traffic signs/lights, but God has kept me from getting pulled over. So I will continue to pray constantly. I can't get my tag, the most noticable thing, until I get insurance. And I think I've gone so long on my driver's lisence that I will have to re-take the driving test...at least that's what everyone keeps telling me everywhere I have to show it. And I'm scared out of mind of the possibility of getting in a wreck, especially since I have to drive to the city every Wednesday and the 4-lane, fast driving just makes me nervious as it is. Making a list is a grand idea, but only in theory for me. I've made more lists than I can swing a stick at and I always have problems prioritizing and I usually end of getting overwhelmed by the shear volume of tasks or I just forget that I even have the list completely. I always feel guilty for not being able to check items off quick enough.

Right now I'm struggling so very hard just to get to work and back home everyday. Anything added on top of work is like trying to climb Mt. Everest right now to. This sinus infection on top of my severe depression, work demands and poor nutrition has just left me almost completely unable to function. I felt so bad Sunday that my mom, bless her, went to the store for me and brought some stuff I needed and then made me a glass of tea and a sandwich. If it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have ate anything that night or else I would have only ate chocolate bars, since they were within reach. I was so sick from my sinus infection and the week spent pushing myself at work that I could barely move. Actually getting up was just too painful. My mom has been a tremendous help to me through all of this. I just don't want to over-tax her because she's going through her own life struggles right now too. So I try to ask her for very little, but she said she would gladly write out checks for me and mail in my bill payments.

I'm not telling you guys this for pity because I am trying to keep the "poor, poor, pitiful me" outlook to a minimum, which God is helping me here to by showing me the things I have to be thankful for.

Like today, for instance, I haven't had a shower in 4 days, my face is seriously broken out and I have no make-up on...oh, and I stepped in doggie-do today and had a difficult time cleaning it off my shoe...BUT, I'm thankful that I was able to put on a clean set of clothes and go into work today, the latter being major accomplishments in my books right now.

But I'm journaling what my daily struggles feel like so that I can have it to look back on when I'm feeling better and maybe so that others might know they aren't the only ones struggling so deeply.

Any other sleep "routines" you or anyone else can suggest?

I kinda like using the words "looney" and "crazy" ...especially in a light-hearted way. My favorite saying at work is, "There's a method to my maddness." If I tell my co-workers this when they see one of my "strange" photos, then it opens the door for me to explain it. It still doesn't help me get my different, but award-winning, photos run with the stories they should run with, but now some of the reporters understand my side of the lens. And I can just do like I did last year and run them on a "year in photos" page so I can enter them in the annual contest by the Associated Press and hopefully win first place as I did last year...ultimitely proving my editors WAY wrong in refusing to one the picture that didn't make since to them. Okay, I got off onto a soap box hereMoot, I give you thanks for inspiring my new favorite holiday terms of "Grinchmas" and "Grinchy." :tongue3:

And that's a good idea about the bills. I was just talking to my mom last night about having all my bills sent to her house and then talking most of my pay check to her each time. My mom's not good with balancing a checkbook, but her and my step-dad have become very miserly and so I know my mom will help me to pay my bills on time so I won't have to pay late fees or re-connect fees.

I just have to make myself call all the places and change my address information so they start sending the bills to her house.

I've gotten so apathetic as of late, that I usually don't even bothered to take my mail out of the mail box (located right next to my front door). It'll go a week or two piling up until I finally grab it all and bring it in (or my mom has brought it in a couple of times when she's been over to let the gas company in and things). My mail lady probably hates me.

And then opening it is a whole nother' story.

So you are very right. If I can take a few small steps to get things set up that way, then it will save me a lot of stress and money too.

PEDAGOGUE: Thanks so much for the response! The abridged version works just fine for me. :-)

The thing with work was a HUGE victory for me. It's the first time I really stood up for myself when everyone else was telling me I was wrong. Normally, I would have sucumbed to the majority instead of my own knowledge, but this time God gave me the strength to stand strong and put my neck on the line in order to prove myself and to come out victorious. It was probably the biggest most impactful win I can ever remember having. I've been telling my co-workers and bosses for 2 years that I have a keen sense for understanding the law, but no one believed me until now. Now, everyone KNOWS that I DO know what I'm talking about and that I'm not the half-wit that management acts like I am.

As for my car issues,I pray everytime I get in it. I don't see how they wouldn't throw me in jail for having an invalid drivers license, no insurance and no tag. I'm completely driving illegally. I know for a fact that they can impound my vehicle because the impounded one of my ex's for a less. God has been on my side thus far. I've had countless cops and highway patrol officers behind me on the highways and at traffic signs/lights, but God has kept me from getting pulled over. So I will continue to pray constantly. I can't get my tag, the most noticable thing, until I get insurance. And I think I've gone so long on my driver's lisence that I will have to re-take the driving test...at least that's what everyone keeps telling me everywhere I have to show it. And I'm scared out of mind of the possibility of getting in a wreck, especially since I have to drive to the city every Wednesday and the 4-lane, fast driving just makes me nervious as it is. Making a list is a grand idea, but only in theory for me. I've made more lists than I can swing a stick at and I always have problems prioritizing and I usually end of getting overwhelmed by the shear volume of tasks or I just forget that I even have the list completely. I always feel guilty for not being able to check items off quick enough.

Right now I'm struggling so very hard just to get to work and back home everyday. Anything added on top of work is like trying to climb Mt. Everest right now to. This sinus infection on top of my severe depression, work demands and poor nutrition has just left me almost completely unable to function. I felt so bad Sunday that my mom, bless her, went to the store for me and brought some stuff I needed and then made me a glass of tea and a sandwich. If it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have ate anything that night or else I would have only ate chocolate bars, since they were within reach. I was so sick from my sinus infection and the week spent pushing myself at work that I could barely move. Actually getting up was just too painful. My mom has been a tremendous help to me through all of this. I just don't want to over-tax her because she's going through her own life struggles right now too. So I try to ask her for very little, but she said she would gladly write out checks for me and mail in my bill payments.

I'm not telling you guys this for pity because I am trying to keep the "poor, poor, pitiful me" outlook to a minimum, which God is helping me here to by showing me the things I have to be thankful for.

Like today, for instance, I haven't had a shower in 4 days, my face is seriously broken out and I have no make-up on...oh, and I stepped in doggie-do today and had a difficult time cleaning it off my shoe...BUT, I'm thankful that I was able to put on a clean set of clothes and go into work today, the latter being major accomplishments in my books right now.

But I'm journaling what my daily struggles feel like so that I can have it to look back on when I'm feeling better and maybe so that others might know they aren't the only ones struggling so deeply.

Any other sleep "routines" you or anyone else can suggest?

I kinda like using the words "looney" and "crazy" ...especially in a light-hearted way. My favorite saying at work is, "There's a method to my maddness." If I tell my co-workers this when they see one of my "strange" photos, then it opens the door for me to explain it. It still doesn't help me get my different, but award-winning, photos run with the stories they should run with, but now some of the reporters understand my side of the lens. And I can just do like I did last year and run them on a "year in photos" page so I can enter them in the annual contest by the Associated Press and hopefully win first place as I did last year...ultimitely proving my editors WAY wrong in refusing to run the picture on the basis that it didn't make sense to them. Okay, I got off onto a soap box here. sorry. (My editor refused to run another one of my "thought provoking" pics tonight so I guess this issue is fresh on my mind.)

Another piece of good news I got today was that apparently I've done well in our state Society of Professional Journalist's annual contest. One of our reporters is the contest chair again this year and she loves to torture us for the about a month and a half before the awards banquet, but she said that I HAVE to be there...and then she mentioned something about the photographer's portfolio catagory. (I won 2nd in the reporter's portfolio last year, so doing well in the photog catagory would be cool...especially since, because of the way she's acting, I think I got 1st).

As for the diagnosises, I know I can work with my docs, it's just that things don't ever seem to go as fast as I expect, or want rather, them to go. Weekly sessions of 45-50 minutes each just don't seem near enough for me. I guess I'm just becoming a "recovery junkie" and work and money issues just getting in my way of being able to work on my issues as much as I think I should be. I have to keep reminding myself of every Al-anon saying I can think of to keep me from getting over-whelmed most of the time. And then, of course, I have this neat little button in my head somewhere that I can push anytime and I can just ignore everything and forget for a while. The problem comes when I ignore something important (like the cut-off notice for my water).

Well, this has been a long response, but I guess I felt like jabbering a lot today. I'm still sick, but nothing like I was Saturday and Sunday.

PEDAGOGUE: This might help you...Whenever I'm writing a long response/entry, I continually select all my text and copy it (under the Edit function on the tool bar), then if something happens to my text, as it actually did a little bit ago, I can just go and hit "paste" and all my text comes back. I learned early on to do that because I kept loosing hours of thoughtful typing. OF COURSE, I don't think this tactic would work if all power was lost from the computer. I've also found that sometimes I can just hit the "back" button and it will take me back to a page with most of my text on it. I don't know if any of this will help you, but I figured that it can't hurt for me to offer my own experiences.

Anyway, I have an early morning appointment with my new shrink so off to home and bed I must go now.

I know I will be okay...actually I know I will be better than okay when this is all over, I just get pushed so far down into the barrell sometimes, that it's hard to see a way out at that moment, but with God's help I always float to the surface sooner or later. I just wish my brain could work on this level of productivity all the time...I could be nearly finished writing my book by now instead of only being on the 2nd chapter.

Oh well, I guess I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be. Another thing I have to keep reminding myself of.

Hugs and God bless,
Jenna

Yeah, I'm my sweet, loving self again today. It never takes me long to come back around.

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Old 12-14-2004, 09:46 PM   #65 (permalink)
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OMG!!! Talk about writing a book...I think I came pretty darn close to it with that last post! LOL. I hadn't realized that it was THAT long.

!Lo seinto mucho mi amigos!
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Old 12-16-2004, 11:12 AM   #66 (permalink)
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One step at a time and before ya know it, you'll be miles ahead of where ya were.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday.

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Old 12-18-2004, 01:36 PM   #67 (permalink)
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health update: I'm still sick. I went to the doctor Monday and told her my sinus infection was going into my lungs and she wouldn't listen to me. Now I'm having trouble breathing, talking and am hacking my lungs up. No one ever listens to me. I've had this so many times that I know when it's coming on.

Migraines, or severe headaches (what ever they are), are daily occurances these days. Work still sucks. I'm still being discriminated against so I'm going to have to work faster to get a lawyer. My cousin said her friends uncle is an attorney who is very familiar with BP since his neice just killed herself in the middle of a mixed episode. I think he would better understand my condition that someone who has little or no experience with mental illness and the struggles we already go through without our employers making things worse.

Anyway, I've been sleeping a lot lately and my house is still disgusting. I just got back from a fatal home fire scene and I have a stupid banquet to cover tonight where the photo will be a boring grip and grin shot. I could go to sleep right now, even though I slept about 10 hours last night. I feel like being in bed, but calling in sick is just not an option if I want to keep my job . Luckily, I will have 7 sick days coming when the first of the year gets here and then in February I will get 14 vacation days. So I just have to hold on a little longer and then I can call in on days like this when I feel like the walking dead.

On the brighter side of things, I've actually started writing my first book. I wish I had more energy to work on it, but one day at a time is all I can work on.

laters,
Jen
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Old 12-18-2004, 04:59 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I know what you mean about if you look like you are functioning, they don't see how much trouble you are in.
Get a laugh out of this.
My daughter drug me into the doctors shuffling in what are basically pajamas and slippers. And then she ratted me out about everything. Things I would have been too embarrassed to admit to.
I got a stern lecture about forget about pulling myself by my bootstraps and whether I liked it or not, I was going to take these medicines and for the rest of my life and I was to come back because I was to be monitored.
This was a couple of years ago.
And frankly, I am very thankful to her for telling him how I really was.
In other words, I was a lifeless log who wouldn't eat, bathe, didn't sleep but laid in bed all day staring at the wall etc etc
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Old 12-18-2004, 05:22 PM   #69 (permalink)
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oh, I wrote that before I read everything.
I have a great idea for lists. It works.
Instead of listing all the things you need to do.
Put up a list and everytime you do something, write it on there and put a checkmark next to it, or a line through it. You will be amazed at the psychological effect this has.
Not only that, it inspires.


Want to hear a pity party? Tonight is my Christmas party. I forgot about how they do everything late here and set it for 8. No one has shown up. It is now 10:10.
I dressed up really sharp. So I set my camera on auto and took a photo of myself. hahahahahaha.
Drink not being a problem for me I guess I will have a couple of glasses of wine and munch on that good cheese, listen to music, and if no one shows pretty soon, I will go to bed.
I took a really cool mini-vacation last week. Went to the Sierras and got to ride a horse to the top. And wander along a stream/river and investigate it all.
A change of scenery always does me alot of good.
Gets me outside my box.
When I worked Mon-Friday, I always made plans to go somewhere for the weekend. Go see something new.
Pack sandwiches and colas or whatever. Take your camera. And find something that absorbs your attention. Gets you outside of yourself.
But then, I am easily amused.
You can take a bus.
Or find a friend who will drive.
If you make a commitment with a friend, then you can't back out.

Hey, welcome to my Grinchmas party!!!! Cheese? Crackers? Soft drinks anyone?

Hell, I like looking in the mirror and seeing myself all done up.

I didn't realize that many people here work until 8.

By the time anyone arrives, if anyone arrives, I will be ready to crash!

How did I know about the water. Been there, done that.

Super congrats on sicking the law on them! That takes guts and smarts! Good Christmas present to yourself, eh?

love,
Tena

ps, I have my best friend here in Argentina saying Grinchmas now!!!! hahahahahaha
Things will never be the same hahahaha
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Old 12-18-2004, 07:22 PM   #70 (permalink)
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It is 11:30 and I have no guests. For some reason I think that is very funny. I had a small glass of wine, poured a second, took a couple of sips and said geez, one or two is okay, but no more because of meds and I think the diet coke tasted better anyway, so I am sitting here drinking diet coke munching on cheese and crackers, poured the second goblet of wine down the sink. Now there is a wonderful hail storm.
I am not taking this personally, I find it amusing and MORE good cheese for me!!
Many people here go out at midnight or 1 or 2 in the morning. Don't come to my door. I will be asleep.
With two unopened bottles of wine, I can give one as a Christmas gift to other friends later who have invited me to visit next week.
I had my hair put up. That always gives me a slight headache as it goes against the grain. So I closed the door, took down the hair, those hair-sprayed curls will last a few days, took off the jewelry, dropped the pretty clothes and got into something more comfortable. I have all ready eaten half the cheese. I only wish they had caffeine-free colas here. But I have some wonderful herb teas, caffeine free that I enjoy as a treat each night when it is time for meds.
It seems like too much work to bag up the crackers. Ridiculous isn't it. But I will. Because it is more for me later. I like to read and munch in bed. All laid out just so in pretty dishes. And the ice has melted.
The girlfriends are simply more interested in going out to clubs man-hunting.
And the men are out girl-hunting.
It has nothing to do with me.
At least I know they don't want me for free wine!!!
And geez it is Friday night, after all.
I was worried earlier because people here are in the habit of staying out until 6 in the morning or later (there is no last call). And I knew I would be done for shortly after midnight. And it is midnight now. I have started the tea. Will take the bedtime meds and sleep like a baby.
What have I gained? A bunch of munchies, soft drinks, plenty of toilet paper and I get to crawl into a made bed. Zero stress and nuisance.
Funny. This afternoon I was thinking, gee, I wish I hadn't done this, I don't feel like people, I don't feel like a party.
And my computer was in the shop for a week. I just got it back.
After years of insomnia I am in love with a good night's sleep!!
My meds will kick in shortly and that is what I will have, peaceful sleep. And the tea is delicious, thank you.
I am listening to a lovely rainstorm just waiting for the drowsies that come with the meds and tea.
And happy to be back with you all.
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Old 12-19-2004, 06:02 AM   #71 (permalink)
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An irrational aside. While wine doesn't perturb me, merely smelling beer or seeing someone pop one open freaks me. The moment I see someone open a beer, my first response is to want to get in my car and leave.
And when there is a party/celebration/holiday where I know they will be drinking beer I don't want to go.

All the problematic drinkers in my life have been beer drinkers.
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Old 12-20-2004, 08:47 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Girlfriend, I think I might have mentioned this in a post long ago, but BEEN THERE DONE THAT. Although, I didn't have your healthy outlook on the whole situation where I spent tons of money on drinks and food and even made Jell-O shots and not a single person showed up. Not one. But my roommate and her friends through a party the next day with my leftowvers that I wasn't even invited to.

Yeah, talk about confirming my, "Nobody likes me. I don't deserve love and friendship," outlook on things. Your evening sounds heavenly. It brings me peace and relaxation just listening to how you enjoyed the evening anyhow. I've been reading a book that talks about how we have to learn to enjoy spending time with ourselves as an important recovery step and girl you got it down! I would have been crying my eyes out, but it truely sounds that you had a better evening than you would have if everyone would have raided your space and your peaceful serenity. I look up to you for the strength and outlook that you have.

I'm struggling with meds too. My psychiatrist keeps uping my dosage of Lamictal which I thought would be a good thing, but it seems that I feel better when I miss a dose or two and my depression has seemed to be getting somewhat worse for the most part. I don't know. (I missed my morning dosage today or else I don't think I would have the energy to be at my mom's house writing all this. I also went shopping at two stores and went to see "Shark Tales," with my cousin, sister and her husband and twin boys. It was funny. Oh, and I'm planning on going home and pulling out my nice winter sweaters and washing them and matching up all my jewelry with the outfits...I sound a little manicy don't I? Especially seeing as how I didn't move off the couch all day yesterday. Even my bladder was a horrific nuisance.)

I got a call from my sleep doctor's office today and I will get my sleep apnea machine this week, hopefully. They say 2-3 weeks of using it and I will be able to tell a world of difference.

It put a huge smile on my face when you told me about how your friend is now saying "Grinchmas!" Wouldn't it be funny if this time next year they come out with all kinds of Grinchy Christmas cards! hee hee hee. Hey, maybe I sould start working on a greeting card line for next year? hummm. Sometimes I wish things didn't spark my interests so much.

I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your idea about making a list of the things I DO accomplish and putting a checkmark by it!!! How wonderful that would make me feel as opposed to seeing the long list of things I still need to do!

Your trip to the sierras sounds absolutely devine. I've never been, but it sounds very tantalizing to my itchy shutter finger. (get it, hee hee). Okay, that was just down right cheesy. I realize this.

The only bad thing I'm feeling at the moment (besides the sinus and lung infections) is the loss of my friend. He doesn't have time for me in his life right now and it makes me so sad. We had such an innocent, child-like friendship, but I think he had feelings for me that he hadn't told me of and when I started dating the destructive alcoholic...well, I think I really hurt him. I took him out for his birthday in April and I was whining about Bret and how much he was hurting me that night by inviting himself and his girlfriend along on our night out. In the car he told me he loved me and I told him it's difficult for me to say the "I love you" words to anyone other than a man that I'm dating. (long story) Anyway, at the time I just thought my friend meant that he loved me like a sister, but in retrospect, I think I was blind and that he really had fallen in love with me. I've tried explaining and appologizing for hurting him (without really knowing exactly how I hurt him) and he just continues to stay distant and will only e-mail me every once in a while. Our friendship was the truest one I think I've ever had and now that everyone else seems to have abandoned me, it just makes the loss of his close friendship even harder for me. (I also have severe abandonment issues as it is.)

I've written him a very lengthy and loving letter that kind of explains all my confusions about our relationship/friendship and what not and that I now know why I acted the way I did some times. It's like a full-length, "can you ever forgive me," sort of thing, but I don't know if I should give it to him. Any thoughts?

Back to you...I can kind of understand the whole beer thing. I'm kinda getting the same way too. And I think it's wonderful that you took a picture of yourself at your party! I hope you were smiling really big and saying, "hahaha, Life you can't get ME down!"

I wish I knew how to treat myself the way you do...with the tea and the munchies on pretty plates. The evening you described sounds like pure heaven to me. I try every once in a while to pamper myself, but it always seems to hard to keep up with anything that makes me feel good about myself (maybe that's one for my therapist?) I thought that I could make myself a daily schedule that includes the things that I have to do and also the things that I want to do for myself. I thought if I turned my life into a schedule or a set routine then I could work wonders on my shambled self and life, but it only works for me in theory. I can't make myself do anything extra right now - even if it is for my own good and serenity.

Loving myself is something I've just realized that I don't know how to do - AT ALL! It's scary and I start crying everytime I even think about the subject...yep, here come the tears...

Someday, I just hope I can learn. I hope I can learn in time for someone else to be able to love me too.

Anyway, this post seems to be going off the depressed deep-end so I'm going to say good night. I also forgot that you are logged on in SR somewhere and I'm curious to find any of your other posts.

Please keep me updated on things with you. It helps me so much to hear about your life and things. For example...I didn't know there was such a place in this world where 8 p.m. was early. For a nocternal creature like me, it sounds like a great place to live. Hey and don't people take siestas during the day there too? Or is that just in Mexico and places? I'm kinda dumb on some things.

Until later my friend,
Jenna
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Old 12-20-2004, 09:42 PM   #73 (permalink)
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I have to go, it's getting late. I've enjoyed knowing you were here with me tonight. I look forward to reading more of your posts next time.

Lov ya,

P.S. I would have loved to have been at your Christmas party. I may just have to throw one just like it for myself if I can muster up the energy for it.

Merry Grinchmas,

Your not so grinchy friend today,
Jenna

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Old 12-20-2004, 09:52 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Just get lots of good gluttonous cheese and cut it into cubes. And think, man I love this, glad I don't have to share!
hahahahahahha
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Old 12-20-2004, 10:09 PM   #75 (permalink)
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What I said wasn't fair. I wasn't alone at all, I was here and got to chat to you a long while, I just didn't share any cheese with you!
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Old 12-21-2004, 08:59 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shutterbug
I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your idea about making a list of the things I DO accomplish and putting a checkmark by it!!! How wonderful that would make me feel as opposed to seeing the long list of things I still need to do!
Excellent idea!

I use to get such satisfaction when I could draw a big line through my dry-erase board in my office. Items that were a particular pain in the ass I left up there an extra day or two, just because I enjoyed the fact it was completed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by shutterbug
I've written him a very lengthy and loving letter that kind of explains all my confusions about our relationship/friendship and what not and that I now know why I acted the way I did some times. It's like a full-length, "can you ever forgive me," sort of thing, but I don't know if I should give it to him. Any thoughts?
I think that if you put all of this effort into it, and it SAYS what you need to say, and you need HIM to hear...I think you should give it to him. You want to let him have time to digest it, but you might want to add a sticky note or something to it and say that this is something that you thought it was important for him to read, so he could better understand you. I am sure you covered the wanting to still be friends. Sometimes honesty is the hardest thing. Best of luck.

On a person note, I had a similar situation not too long ago, and unfortunately I did not follow my own advice, and my friendship suffered a pretty big blow. However, I rallied, and with some work...I think it will be ok.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shutterbug
I wish I knew how to treat myself the way you do...with the tea and the munchies on pretty plates.
I have a very simply solution to your problem: Plan a date...for yourself! The best thing about this plan....you know what you like, and you can eat/do anything you want! It may sound goofy, but you'd be suprised how much fun it can be. All it takes is a little bit of effort (i know you can spare a tiny bit, everyone has it in them!), and some creativity.

Some suggestions...I know it looks like alot, but really, it isn't...and you are worth it:
*Pick up a favorite movie at Blockbuster
*Make sure you have your favorite ice cream in the freezer, with the appropriate chocolate as a side-dish
*Pick up some candles, bubble bath beads, and a loofa
*Throw your favorite PJs in the dryer (works best for cotton, etc) run it for 10 min or so, or until toasty warm. (Put the nice warm PJ's in the bathroom, then Jump in your bubble bath. I suggest having a cd player with some relaxing music.)
*Order your favorite delivery
*Jump in your PJs
*Eat your yummy delivery food while curling up with a good magazine/girlie novel, etc
*Once you move onto the ice cream...it is movie time!
*Watch the movie!

Hopefully by the end you will be nice and relaxed and will sleep great!

Feel free to change as needed. It was just to get your mind going in the right direction. Everyone feel free to steal the idea. If you find a nice 'date plan', don't be shy...share it.

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Old 12-21-2004, 09:26 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Oh Jenna, I am terrible about treating myself well.
See I did all that for the people. For myself it is too much trouble to walk down the hall to the store, I'll just throw together survival foods.
I just got lucky. I got it together because I had made the invites. And when they didn't show, I was even luckier...I didn't have to entertain and I had all the goodies.
And yes, I did like that set-up very much.
It is still a step at a time, a day at a time for me.
Inertia is my enemy. If I can get moving in the first place, then I can have a great day. But the willpower it takes to make that first move!!!!
I am thinking I have been neglecting my wellness studies that inspire me.
Neglect. Story of my life.
How come it looks so easy for other people. They hop up shower and read their daily inspiration and whistle out the door.
Some days I would like to see them stub their toe. I don't know why I am mean. I guess it represents my anger at all the effort it takes me.
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Old 12-23-2004, 10:03 PM   #78 (permalink)
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How come it looks so easy for other people.
Because they are better at hiding their bad days!

Quote:
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
Some days I would like to see them stub their toe. I don't know why I am mean. I guess it represents my anger at all the effort it takes me.
You are angry that you struggle every day, and it comes easier to them. I can understand that, but you should instead think, "What are they doing that makes it easier, and how can I learn from them?"

Not be get dorky, but observation therapy is effective because when people can see other people cope with a problem, they can learn from them and take strength to help themselves.

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Old 12-26-2004, 02:37 AM   #79 (permalink)
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Jenna, I'm Bekah, a bi-polar patient and, (if I'm honest, a sporatic addict also.) It's true, anti-depressants alone can and will throw you into an acute mania. Those manias seem fun and productive now, but they get progresively more destructive. It seems that most mood stabilizers have side-effects, some more sismal than others. I am weight conscience, so I refuse to take Lithium, Depakoate, and most antidepressants. What I have found to be satisfactory for me is a"last resort" mood-stabilizer called Topomax, (300 mg.) I also take 140 mg Geodon, which takes some getting used to but seems worthwhile. I take 300 mg Wellbutrin in the AM, as it does give energy, and then I take 20 mg Lexapro, an antidepressant with low side-effects of weight gain. Oh, about the sleep thing: IMPORTANT! If you're like most BPs, sleep is an issue. I demanded,(uh, pleaded,) with my pdoc to give me Ambien to help me sleep at night. I study Taekwondo, so there's my excercise. My instructor is aware of my illness, so when I am having "issues" with my moods, he treats me with tenderness. My advice to you is to go to the county mental health facility and have a public break-down. It's true; They'll dismiss you if you don't seem to have an urgent need. I've been hospitalizized twice because I fainally gave myself permission to get honest with those very caregivers that proclaim to want to help; I knew that if these people couldn't witness the "real me",(which included suicidal IDEAOLOGY. Not that I would've done it. But they didn't know that. Once you mention that you are losing your will to live, they become liable to seek help for you. Jenna, I am the queen of "putting on a competant face". I imagine you have mastered the same talent. Well girl... you're lying, you know. You ARE NOT ok. And that's OK, baby girl. Love Bekah
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Old 12-26-2004, 09:29 AM   #80 (permalink)
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Just a very quick note about Ambien....it is not a good 'long term solution' because of the potential addiction risk. It should only be used sparingly and typically you shouldn't be on it long term. Cycling with it (4 days on, a couple off, etc) isn't a great solution because you end up with a different, but still erratic sleeping situation.

Unfortunately I do not have a solution for sleeping problems, because the cause and treatment are so varied, but it would behoove you (if you have a sleeping problem) to learn as much as you can about WHY you can't sleep, and then work with your PCP (primary care physician) to help figure out a solution. (They may or may not refer you to a sleep specialist)

BTW..here are some helpful tips about getting better sleep: HERE (From the Ambien website)

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