Wolfstarr

((((Jenna)))))

So good to hear from you! You sound great, it shows in your words. You don't know how happy I was to see your name again!
Thanks for checking in and sending hope. It sure is comforting to know that there is an end to the dark clouds and some light out there for all of us.

Thanks and WE LOVE YOU TOO!!!

Live

hey, Jenna, I think of you often but don't worry when you go MIA as I tend to do that alot myself. It just means I am off on my own adventures or tangents...or better yet, traveling. I am going back into the job market this week. I haven't got to God's will yet, I am adamant, don't place me in Texas when there are possibilities in the midwest. And to the midwest people, hire me! hire me!

shutterbug

Thanks guys...you always make me feel wonderful. Don't know what I'd do without ya.

Wolf - It's just so weird to me to think about the year I've had here at SR and everything that I've gone through...and now come back from (well, am still coming back from)

I'm so glad I found this place and that I started this thread because it serves as like a documentary of my life as seen through a major depression. I'm just glad that I occastionally found the energy, concentration and focus to even post here. And at the times when I felt so lonely, but also didn't feel like being around people...you guys were hear for me to talk to in a way that meant I could just say exactly how I was feeling and know that I didn't have to be anyone except who I am and that more than occationally someone was listening and offering me comfort and hope. Just being able to tell others how bad I was feeling helped me feel validated in having those feelings instead of feeling bad about myself for them. I just can't imagine having to go through all that without SR and you guys!

Live - no need to worry. In the past I've gone missing because I just couldn't muster up the energy or motivation to log onto SR. Now that i'm starting to feel better...I'm like you -- if I go missing it's just because I'm off on my own adventures (which really means that I'm trying to put my life back together...heehee...it really is an adventure all it's own)

I'm glad to hear about....oh wait, I think I maybe confused. Did you mean that you found a job or that your starting the job search? And I don't know why, but I thought you were in Florida? But what's this about Texas? Is that where your at? I'm so confused. I know I should know this...but my memory is still not the greatest yet. Fill me in, would ya (or tell me again what I should already know)...sorry for being so absent-minded.

I told you in another post, but I wanted to record it here that....I auditioned for the community orchestra tonight (well last night since it's nearly 5 a.m. in the morning now). I'm kinda proud of myself for actually practicing and making it to the audition and for actually going through it even though my body and mind was tell me to run. But I know once I get to sit down with an entire orchestra and start playing that I will enjoy it so very much, so I made myself stay...and dispite my social anxiety (and the age difference since most of the others auditioning were college and high school students) I actually ended up talking to a few people who were really nice.

It's something that I've been thinking about off and on for the past couple of years, but I never really knew that we had one here in town until around the time I started getting sick and then well....it didn't happen of course. I actually hadn't thought about it much in the last couple of months or so, but I was at my sis's house Sunday night and was glancing through her paper (which I've MAYBE looked through a total of 4 papers since I got fired in April) so I was quite surprized when my eyes fell upon the rail on the left side of the page where in it was a two paragraph mention of auditions being held! For the very next day! (I don't think I can deny that this was a little hint from my higher power telling me to get on the ball and go ahead and bite the bullet)

I've maybe played my violin for about a total of 15 hours over the past 8 years or so and have lost almost all my sheet music and one of my violins was in a house fire, last year (but made it out as one of the only things that survived) and the other violin's bow had only a few hairs left in it. So I took the bow from one case and the violin from the other and sat down and tried to remember how to play something. The only thing I could half-way remember was a peice I put together and played at my high school graduation. I had to really fight to remember most of it and I just kind of made up some notes to fill in the blanks. I was so very nervous and can't wait to find out how the judges thought I did?

Other than that, I've not been doing a whole, whole lot...except living again. I hashed out some painful feelings I had with a friend of mine who desserted me completely when I needed her the most...and we ended up going out to lunch last week. And I called her tonight and we talked for about an hour, which felt like old times again.

And Sunday, I went to church with a friend/former co-worker who I hadn't seen or talked to in months and we had lunch and then went to her new apartment and hung out for a couple of hours.

And I left messages for my angel (a wonderful bipolar girl I met in Alanon one day and the next she was driving me and my mom (who hadn't a clue what to do) to the city to take me to the hospital)). I hadn't talked to this earthly angel of mine in about four months and I haven't seen her in about 8 months. After leaving three messages, she called me tonight and I was so glad to get to talk to her. And we set up a time to meet Friday for coffee and she said she might come over to my sis's house to go swimming with me soon.

And I spent much of last week organizing different parts of my house. I spent four sweaty hours in my attic going through stuff and de-cluttering in preperation for a move if and when I get a new job. And I organized all of my 100 or so pair of shoes. And just recently organized all my book research into folders that i keep in two seperate baskets (one for one book and the other basket for another, cause I'm kinda working on two at once)...and I gave my dog a bath which I don't know when the last time was that I did that. And I've gone bargin shopping for hours over the past two or three weeks. And I dealt with the crisis of my little cousin becoming a 16-year-old, wild child and her gardian not caring much about it. My little cousin confided in me that she might be pregnant by the 20-year-old she's been seeing (that she's told everyone else that he's just a friend...ha) and I quickly gathered up some birth control items and took them to her. We're still not 100 % sure if she's pregnant or not, but it's looking like the coast may be clear there. I'm just glad that since I remind her so much of her mom (who died in 2001, that she feels comfortable talking to me and confiding in me). And yes, this is the same little cousin who I talked about before...when she told me about being molested by my ex-fiance and by another cousin.

I'm still not talking to my father...for any other reason except that I just don't want to.

And I started going back to counseling again (a state-funded program thing)

Oh and I'm trying to figure out how to put together/start a NAMI support group here in town since there isn't one unless you want to drive half an hour to get to one in bigger town nearby.

Awwwww....to have a life again....to actually FEEL alive again rather than being in a coma-like state of misery!

I think that about does it for filling you guys in on what's been going on with me lately and how I've been feeling.

I just pray that it's for the long-haul this time instead of only being a temporary breather from the darkness.

Adios Amigas,
Jenna

Live

Jenna,
You haven't been absent-minded or forgotten anything. I have been tracking the jobs and made a phone call to my old service placement company. They are looking for people who will be assigned either to Minnesota or Texas. Most of the jobs have been in Texas. But I ran across one in the midwest. The resume isn't out yet, but it will be soon, very soon, and first I will be waiting to hear from the midwest. I am in Florida, don't like it but don't want to go to Texas either. I think I could handle Minnesota. But not Chicago. Does that make any sense?
live

shutterbug

Yeppers, makes sense to me. I hope you can get a job you like and in the right state!

Today my twin nephews were sick and my sister called and asked me to come over and help. Ryan was so sick that he was very lethargic and Connor was being a total Brat (he gets very jeolous when he senses that he's not the center of attention). I'm really worried about Ryan, but the nurse my sister called said that he sould be fine unless his temp gets up to 105, even though it's been tettering between 101 and 103 and he's been throwing up.

And Conner had climbed up on me and even though he wasn't showing any signs of being sick...he threw up all over me...YUCK!

I've also been sick for the last few days...one of my re-occuring sinus/upper respratory infections. (I never use to get sick until my first major depression back in 1997. Now I get these things and can't get rid of them for months. The hard coughing makes me miserable when I'm trying to sleep and my smoking just aggrivates my lungs and makes it all worse. And my throat's sore too...and sinus headache of course

And I've been smoking a lot more lately...bummer...don't know why.

Anyway, my body still feels like it's depressed and I've still been sleeping too many hours, but my mental state is still doing good.

Well, I'm going to go for now cause I'm tired and still want to post a new thread about stress relief.

Hugs

shutterbug

Boy, the mental health forum sure has seemed dead the last few days...

I had kind of a bad day today.

First, I called to get results from my audition the other day for the community orchestra and the quartet judging the auditions said that I was really nervous and that I was out of shape in my playing so I didn't make the cut. I wanted to say...NO DUH about being out of shape...I only had a few hours to practice before it was time for the audtion (that I hadn't heard about until the night before) and a few hours wasn't enough to make up for the 8 years that I hadn't played for. I just thought they would see that I was of course a bit rusty and let me sit in last chair and build up my skills again...but nope. I had to fight back a few tears when I heard the news because I was really looking forward to being back in that kind of musical setting again. I'm trying to tell myself that it just wasn't meant to be...but I really let myself get my hopes up and i just feel really hurt by it. Hurt that they are saying that I'm not even good enough anymore to play beside ninth-graders and freshman and sophmore college students. I mean...I played for 10 years straight, performed a solo at my high school graduation, I was offered music scholarships to 2 different university's, was a violin major for 2 years in college, played in two different symphony orchestras...one being among the largest in the state...now and my small home town orchestra won't even let me sit last chair. It just hurts.

So that was the first hit to my self-esteem.

Then I checked my e-mail and found out that the job I was hoping for had already been filled. I mean, it wasn't a big newspaper or anything and they didn't even ask for my portfolio...just my resume. I thought I would at least get an interview. I e-mailed the editor back and he said that my cover letter really caught his attention and that he was familiar with my work (from the wire) and thought I would be a good asset to any paper, he said what tipped the scales was that they had a former photog re-apply and they gave it to him since he was already familiar with the paper and community.

But still...one more big hit to my self-esteem.

And then, I had to get to work on the lawsuit against my job for harrassment/discrimination/and wrongful termination. I filed with the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) several months ago, but didn't get the paper work they sent me back by the deadline. So I'm having to re-do it all. Just thinking back to how badly I was treated and all the stress I went through...almost makes me feel like I'm back in the mess again...fighting for my livelihood. And just having to think about what a horrible doodoo head my boss is...he's a total snake. It just upsets me all over again. I even thought about not going through with the lawsuit because of how painful it is to have to keep everything fresh in my mind. I just want to put it all behind me, but I also feel like they shouldn't be allowed to get away with the way they treated me...So I'm starting the process over again. And I'm finally starting to organize all the documentation I have to prove my side of things. Just stressful all the way around.

Then I went to my sister's and she was watching all the hurrican disaster stuff and her and my mom were arguing about stupid stuff and being narrow-minded and that stressed me out. I have barely watched any of the news coverage because it depresses me too much. I'm just too sensitive to things like this. It's like...when I hear someone tell their story, I put myself in their shoes and can almost feel the terror and grief and loss. And then I start thinking about all those people who are dieing right now as I'm writing this...many dieing all alone...still trapped in their homes...the scariest thing I've ever been through was when I knew i would die if I didn't get to a hospital soon. I knew how easily it would have been for me not to make it becasue i was 1/2 dead by the time I got into the ER. It was so scary to be that helpless. To know that you are dieing and there is NOTHING you can do about it. I would much rather go in a quick car crash or by a bullet to the head...but to live for days without food and especially water in the heat of summer...it just gets to me too much.

And then I feel guilty because I'm not in a position to be able to help by making a donation or anything.

AND THEN...on my way home...I saw a kitty which had recently been ran over...and it just all was too much. I started back into my old depressive thinking..."There's nothing good in this world...it's all just pain and misery." And "I'm so fat and ugly and unlovable. No man will ever want to be with me and I will die an old spinster."

I can only pray that tomorrow I wake up and feel better again. I'm just so scared of falling back down into the darkness....I don't want to ever go there again.

The only good thing, I can think of is that I finally got a hold of the state's NAMI center and they are going to let me help with a number of educational/awarness type things. They are going to let me use my journalism background to write press releases about their new educational program "Hope For Tomorrow" and I can help by going to the schools and colleges and telling my story and why education about mental illness is so important. They are even going to let me write up 'my story' and put it on pamplets and things. So I'm excited about that.

And they are planning to start a chapter in my hometown so I'm hoping that I can really get involved locally too. (Right now, there isn't even any NAMI meetings or bipolar support groups within a 40 mile radius). Mainly, I just want to help people know that they are not alone and that they don't have hide their illness or be ashamed about it in anyway.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for today.

ryanjosef

your day has brought tear to my eyes and an ache to my heart ,im not even sure what to say to console you, i was fired from a job 2 months ago because the found out i was bipolor, i worked there for one day. i also turned them into the humanrights commission but after a month of fighting it i just droped it because it was hurting me more then it was realy doing any good. there are reasons i dont watch the news listen to the radio or read the papers its just to heart breaking. i was almost killed a few years ago, i was onmy way to work and comming around a large sharp corner when to wild brown ducks were walking across the road. my hear would not let me run them over so i dodged them and in doing so i fliped my jeep 4 feet in the air androlled it 4 times. the only thing that saved my lie was that the doors didnt open out they slide along the side they kept the roof from crushing me all that happend to me was wiplash, put my head into the window cracking it good didnt even shatter it, but after thatis whenn i started on paxil. needless to say the duckys lived. i still dodge squirils and cats and anything in the road except my mother in law whome i get 100 points for hitting -5 for the perce and 5- for the shoes.
It hurts my hear to see that you had such a bad day. im a guy and i love you..

shutterbug

I'm feeling better than I did a few hours ago. A girl in high school did the same thing when she tried to avoid a skunk. She had a new jeep and rolled it. I think she had just bought it that week. She said that never again would she swerve for an animal...that she would just hit the gas instead. ha

That reminds me of 2 little mishaps I've had...

Do you know what an alligator turtle is? Well, I didn't use to until after I almost lost my hand to one. I hate to see turtles crossing the road on busy roads cause they always end up squashed. One day I was driving and in the middle of the road was a big turtle...like about the size of a small cat or a little bigger. I thought it would be really, really sad for such an old turtle to get smooshed. So I stopped, got out of my car, dodged traffic to get to it and picked it up by the sides of it's shell. I started carrying it over to some tall weeds on one side of the road when all of the sudden it's head and neck snapped around, aiming directly at my hand. I was in shock. His chompers could have taken my hand off in one bite! I had just thought he was a harmless box turtle or something. Needless to say, I started moving faster to get to the side of the road...and one more SNAP came right next to my hand. I could feel the force of the wind across my hand as he snapped the second time. By then I had had enough and chunked him into the weeds.

Later, when I told my dad (the outdoorsman) he couldn't believe I picked it up. He told me it was an alligator snapping turtle and it really was a wonder that i didn't at least lose a finger or two. I came across another one a few years later in this little pond by my house I use to fish at when I was going to college. It was a small pond and A GIANT turtle. Mostly it kept out of sight, but was always near us at the shoreline waiting for us to catch a fish so she could eat it before we could get the fish on shore. I lost more fish that way! She was nearly the size of one of those galapagos turtles...we nick-named her "Big Mama" -- At least this time I knew to stay clear of her!

Another time...I was driving back to school one night on the highway and my ex was following me in his car. An armadillo suddenly appeared in the road and I swearved to try and miss it, but instead hit it full on with my right tires. I felt it go under the car. When we got home...I asked my ex if he saw it and he said, "Yeah, that sucker came shooting out from under your car and got airborne!" Eweeew....

KatieRose

Jenna,

I don't judge people. I look at what's on the inside. Please don't feel bad about yourself. We love you just the way you are. Don't know if this will help, but i'll say it anyway. A very dear friend of mine once told me that if people couldn't accept me the way i was, medical problems and all, then i didn't need them.

My friend does accept me just the way i am and he loves me so much. He doesn't think to higly of my mom though, because she hurt me.

If you can surround yourself with people who love you, you'll be fine.
Good days and bad days, a true friend is always there, if not by your side, then with you in your heart. You are not alone.

katie

shutterbug

Oh...dam it all. I'm depressed again. I'm feeling sad, lonely, lazy, helpless, stupid, guiltiy, worthless and unwanted.

I'm reaping the consequences of a recent 36 hour manic. I really enjoyed it at the time, but it wasn't worth what I've been dealing with the past week or so.

I've been thinking too much about past relationship and the heartbreak they all brought. And I haven't felt like doing anything except lay around and watch t.v. If it wasn't for my friend coming and getting me tonight and making me go walking with her...well then today would have been like the forth or fifth day that I haven't even left the house and only stepped one step out my front door to reach the mailbox

I have so many plans and projects that I want to work on and complete in my life, but when I'm feeling like this I could care less about any and all of it, but then I feel guilty and worthless because of not caring anymore.

I never thought I would become so complacent and comfortable with staying home all the time and not doing anything all day, ever day. It use to drive me crazy if I ever didn't have a job to go to. I couldn't ever go longer than a month or two without going crazy from bordem. Well, I've now been out of work since the beginning of April (too tired to even add up how many months that's been) and I have absolutely no desire to go back to any kind of job. That makes me feel sick about myself cause I've always been so productive and motivated and wanting to accomplish things and make money. But now...I don't care if I ever have any responsiblities to deal with...the less the better.

But I also feel empty. I'm tired of looking at the reminents of the tornado that struck my living room. And my cat keeps trying to climb on me and cuddle and she wants to be petted and I'm so aggitated that I just keep pushing her off and telling her to get away and leave me alone. I've never really been too fond of her personallity anyway because she's so annoying, but I've never been mean to her.

Anyway...this stupid journal of mine is mostly filled with complaining over and over and over again and I hate myself for that. I hate being a complainer. I just want to be happy all the time.

The girlfriend I went walking with tonight said she can see it in my face when I'm manic cause my eyes get to big and I get so excited about everything, overly excited, which pisses me off when I'm like that and I tell someone something that I think they should get excited about too...and then they barely even pay any mind to it. It makes me feel stupid and childish.

I wish I had someone to hold, kiss, hug and cuddle with. I wish I had someone to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies with me or go out to dinner at 2 or 3 in the morning when I'm wide awake. Mostly, I just want to cry, but I even hate crying alone...how stupid and needy is that. Yeah, I wish I had someone special to share my life with, but as soon as I found someone then I would just make their life miserable and I would start getting grumpy with them and well, I'd rather be alone that put anyone through that kind of crap that I tend to do at times. I haven't yelled at anyone in a long time and dam it...I want to scream at somebody. Maybe I'll call my ex-fiance and talk to him. No matter what he says...he always induces me to scream at him. Don't know what it is about him, but I always end up screaming at him....well, and he deserves it too...so it doesn't make me feel any guilt for yelling at him and telling him off cause he's a horrible pathetic excuse for a man....a girly man.

Listen to me...I'm not the horrible person that I sound like tonight...at least I try not to be.

Doesn't matter how many friends or family I have...I feel totally and completely alone in this world. No body wants me and why would they anyway...they wouldn't and they don't. I'm really loathing myself right now. I'm hurt and angry and impatient and immature and just a big mean old baby. wha, wha.

I want a new life..a completely differnt life. I want to be able to invite people over to my house and have them come in and watch a movie or something. But my house is such a wreck that I don't even want my own mom to come in...hell, I dont' even want to come in.

I need a new start somehow. I want to be happy, but no matter how hard I try it just seems like I'm faking it cause it never last very long.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll eventually get past this. Just wish I could have some around who I could go off on and have them scream back at me right now. Guess that's my co-dependency wanting to create unrest in my life. Why was I dealt such an awful and complicated lot in this life. I shouldn't have ever had to go through half of what I have...yet I know there are those who have gone through worse so I even feel selfish for saying that. But it's all relative I guess...so blah, blah, blah. I'm tired of complaining to myself so it's time to find something half-way interesting on t.v. until I fall asleep around 7 or 8 a.m. (cause that's just the only times I've been able to fall asleep lately). It all sucks.

No hugs for me thanks

ryanjosef

i know jenna i have always known, and i do understand as much as i can.
huggles any how :P
FAAF
Ryan
ps ill email you later tonight

Live

Jenna,

You are still sounding much stronger than you were a year ago.

Okay, I am laughing a bit, with you, not at you....about the musical audition. You see I have this belief that others should be able to immediately recognize my talents, potential and abilities and I have been learning over the last two years how very unrealistic that is. I can't recognize that in people, but I expect them to see it in me??!!! Look. You knew you were rusty. They can't see your abilities and do not know intuitively of your accomplishments. Keep up the practice and try out again. For first chair!!!!!!!

Sorry about the job thing, but in their shoes, we probably would have made the same business decision. That's all it was a business decision. It was not about you personally. And I am proud of you for going back for the feedback. That is super!

Excited to hear about the social activism you have got going on. That is so important and I hope you keep us informed.

I don't watch the news etc either. But I did read cover to cover the special edition from Times magazine on the hurricane. And I follow the local paper, especially the letters to the editor. Two days ago I found myself red in the face, indignant at the local opinions about the disaster, and this from people who cannot depersonalize this as a sad and distant tragedy. We were hit with 4 hurricanes last year. Anyway, I kind of lost my mind at what I was seeing and reading and was compelled to send in a letter to the editor of my own. I just couldn't let it slide without speaking up.

You are doing great walking with a friend.!

I see you as assertive and proactive in your well-being, health and recovery! Very!
You suffer from the symptoms of your disease but your spirit and ideals are indominatable (is that the right word?)

The stress of re-living and documenting your case against your employers is so natural and to be expected. I admire your courage in pursuing it.

I wish we lived closer. My husband and I are very good at giving team acupressure and relaxation massages. And touch is healing. Proven. You know that. So whether you feel like a hug or not, I would like to get you on the floor and give you a good touch adjustment. If we could get past your resistance, when we were done you would say "Wow, I needed that"

The urge to scream....I have said this many different times in different forums, but my therapist had me go out in the woods where I could be alone and throw rocks at trees and yell and cuss up a storm. The crashing noises are somehow very satisfying. I found this method so helpful, I constantly reccomend it. I was able to release so much and usually ended up laughing. And when I first saw her, she couldn't even get me to punch a pillow.! I needed the isolation to learn how to be and release anger, rather than unfairly at others or passive agressively or internalizing it and making myself sick.

I, myself, have been really dragging my feet on getting my resume out. I just want to stay at home and play house. But I am also behind on my expectations of what I should have accomplished cleaning up and organizing etc. I have days where I am into it and then others where I don't want to move, and love naps.
This really gets me depressed and feeling like a failure. I find if I can just get up and say I will do one thing, once the inertia is overcome by force, a certain momentum kicks in at times and does a world of good for my self-esteem (reputation with myself)

And, you know, you are SO multi-tasking. You have so much going on.

I, myself, don't feel like doing anything today. But, I will go to the entryway to see the first impression of home as someone walks in, including me, because it effects me a great deal and I will start there with the things I see that bother me and look so cluttery. I can tell you right now, it is a bunch of paperwork strewn all over the floor
and I may just put it all in a bin. But it is all over the floor because I was working on things that I needed to do and should have done all ready, and I made a big mess by dumping a bin (from moving) and since I have certain piles, I hope I will at least drop those sorted things into a file folder and put it in the drawer I have designated. I did not finish all the paperwork I needed to do, but I put a dent in it the other day that I am proud of. But now, the remains have been scattered on the floor for 3 days and I don't like it. It is dragging me down.

Y'know, it is clutter that so effects me and I am not above sticking all the dirty dishes in the oven, just to be rid of the appearance of clutter.

I think I fall into depression most easily when I feel like I am not meeting my own expectations for myself and then I begin to consider myself a failure. That damned global all or nothing.

I greatly benefit from my new hubby's gentleness with me that counteracts my down days of feeling like a failure. He always tells me, and shows it with his tolerance and kindness, that I should take care of myself first. If I say I am sorry, I know I am failing but I am going to go lie down, put a pillow over my head and take a nap. He rejects the apology saying there is nothing to apologize for and that he knows I will get the things done, it just doesn't have to be all at once and it doesn't have to be today.
So I share his message with you.
He is right. I am not going to be efficiently productive when I am rattling inside and would increase the stress I feel by ignoring how I feel and not taking care of myself.
The sky is not going to fall and tomorrow is another day.

This is not a healthy suggestion, okay?! But today I will manipulate myself with guilt. He is off working hard on the boat and I know he is not feeling well at all. I know I would feel guilty if he came home and I had not done anything. So, I will go start a load of laundry and get rid of that pile of papers. Or/and I can imagine this rather haughty friend of ours stopping by and there is NO WAY I would let her see our "new" home anything less than looking tidy and cozy.

One positive tool I use, actually two, are timing things. I often find that I spend far more time stressing over something that needs to be done than it actually takes to do it. Like it takes less than two minutes to make a bed. And I will spend far more time than that beating myself up over it. The other tool is to count. I trick myself. First to get moving I say I will do one thing. If I do one thing I have done something. Then I will make it four as I get myself moving, then change it to four sets of four. And usually except with especially hated tasks, I forget to keep count shortly after starting and wind up seeing it as a project that I can finish. And then, I realize how little time it actually took.
These are little things I do to fight the "overwhelmed by it" attitude.
If I finish a project, I usually feel proud and am in the groove, and seeing the time factor, say well I can do one thing with this other project since that really took practically no time at all. But I DO NOT think in terms of getting it all done. That thinking will put me on the couch staring and feeling crummy.

I also do some silly things, laugh all you want! like putting a hotel fold on the toilet paper...you know where it is folded in a neat little triangle. This actually effects me psychologically! It is a teeny reminder of how much I enjoy things nice. And I will do things, housework, to match up to that fold. Like...a pile of laundry on the floor in the bathroom doesn't not go with that fold. And you have to go to the bathroom during the day no matter how ya feel, so it is something that I see everyday several times a day. My hubby is accepting enough of my kinks, that he always puts the fold back. He has no idea of why I do it or why I need to do it. And he must think it rather silly that I am so rigid about that when there are things that really need to be done. But he has such a get-along attitude. Maybe tonight I will clue him in about how I am using that as a motivator and standard setter and means to fight discouragement.
He figures we are both crazy so he just doesn't challenge or question things.
I am getting amused at how these things might look to him.

But then he has his kinks too. He is an artist and is meticulous about that and never knows when to say good enough and stop. He is going to wind up spending three days working on a picture frame, wood matte to display a reproduction antique treasure/shipwreck map. He sands it. Then he uses the best varnish and is intent on making it all authentically antique looking. He mixes in this paint.. white...and brushes it into the varnish just so...then brown...then blowes up the can all over himself (giggle) then mixes in coffee grounds and re-varnishes, then ashes from the ashtray and re-varnishes. Then will use a special torch to age, (burn to appear tattered at what would be the rolled ends), then will re-sand all the work on the frame and matte and then re-varnish with the map mounted and who knows what this will lead to.
Geez, you know I do not have that kind of meticulousness and patience in me at all.
I would have maybe varnished it and called it done. He is going to do the back side too. I give him a crazy puzzled look and he explains it has to do with sealing against water absorption and must be done. Okay. I am not the one doing it.
He is this perfectionistic about his artwork, but he is a clutter bug in the house. Although out of respect for me and my wishes, he is doing an amazing job of not cluttering. So, now I am the tidy nag, and it is cluttered and it is my clutter!

Big ramble. But, hey, that's what we do.

Hope you can find somethings to laugh about in our particular nuttiness!

love,
Tena

Don W

Shutterbug, You are here today that is a positive. Also, I went back and read and you come out of it more often. This is progress. In some cases reducing the length and intensity is the progress. We've seen many no longer post and we wonder. You are staying connected. This is a very big key. Chnging your perspective of yourself is important. Remember, your perspective now isn't always fact. So many of us have seen wonderful qualities in you. Do you feel like we're talking about someone else? Well, that is what many of us have felt or feel. This weekend, try and give yourdelf a break. Go to a happy movie or someplace you enjoy. Treat yourself, you've worked hard this week. Exposing our fears and feelings is hard but, needed. I enjoy reading even your difficult posts. We are experencing Jenna. Don W

shutterbug

Thanks Tena and Don, I appreciate you both so much. I am glad I am still toughing it all out, but growing very weary of trying to be strong and keep faith. I'm glad I've kept this thread going for over a year. I started trying to read through it all the other day...but got tired and went to sleep. I'm hoping that once I'm more stable...maybe I can go back through it all and see some kind of patterns to my illness. I know I have patterns/cycles...but just haven't figured them out yet. Once I do though, I think that will help me most of all...to know about how long a happy time or a down time will last. I can prepare for things better that way.

Tena, I thank you for all the stories and all the advice. I like the toilet paper triangles...maybe if I do that, then I will know that there is at least ONE thing in my home that is tidy....or else it will **** me off cause I can't get anything else to measure up. Not sure. You sound like you are feeling better about things then when I read your posts in the other forum. I'm glad for you.

I'm mainly just got this problem with putting all my happiness into the hands of others and when they let me down or can't bring happiness to my life any more or consistently....then I hate the whole world. Close relationships of any kind just mess me up in all sorts of ways that I don't even understand. I know that I'm the only one who can make myself happy....just the problem is that I don't know how to love myself when I hate myself so much. So when someone else tells me they love me and I believe that they really might, then my heart wants to latch onto that and not let go. I'm love starved and have been all my life and don't know how to live with that. For example, here's a stupid rough draft of a poem I wrote the other day:

What beauty is in this world without love to see it?
What love is in this world without a soul to hold it?
What soul is in this world without a spirit to grow it?

For a life without love contains the deepest want.
What then if some love is seen, but unreachable?
Is it love lost or never was?

Confusion heavys the heart
Not knowing what's real or a dream
Can love be wrong?
If not then why does it hurts?

Yet life without love is no life at all
This I know well. It's me that's not well.

And still others find it but dont' know how blessed
Or why does lovelyness often turn sour with time?

Then out of nowhere can come a breath of fresh air
Some temporary fuel for a scortched heart to burn

Still yet, what of forbidden love?
It can only hurt all in it's path.

And then there's love that sneaks up on the heart
It comes in without introduction or even an invite
Do you close the door when it knocks
Or open it and say welcome I'm home

And even more: what if it's forbidden, wrong and uninvited all in one?
Should it then be exiled and completely forgot?

For what is a life without love?

Doesnt' the empty heart yearn for any and all love?
Is it alright to embrace it in any variety it comes?

Oh upheavel is a spirit in unrest
It tears and pulls and leaves grief behind for the unblessed

How do I not desire all the love that's obviously not meant for me?
That is the question for the answer I seek.

shutterbug

There was a parting in the dark clouds today. Little sleep and being dragged around my be sister from place to place lifted my mood somewhat. Then when we went to a parade that my cousin was in we ran into her sister who none of my family except me and her sister had seen in 5 years (and I had only seen her twice during that time..and her sister had only seen her three times). Luckily she was at the parade with her grandpa instead of her dad and he let her hang out with 1/2 our family during the whole thing. I almost think she was more excited than we were. We used the opportunity to take photos with her and video of her and called everyone else on the cell phone individually so she could talk to them. She's only 10 now...and cried during ever phone call and every hug. And the whole time she was even afraid to walk 10 feet away from us with her best friend to watch the parade....b/c she was afraid she would turn around and we would be gone. It broke my heart to see her tears, but at the same time it lifted my spirit to see her and hold her and kiss her and to know that she still remembers most of us and misses us.

This day was a VERY blessed day.

It's also got me thinking about alot of things about my family and my mental illness and her mom's who died in 2001 as a prescription drug addict and undiagnosed bipolar. And it's kinda put a little motivation in me as to why I want so badly to educate people about mental illness and addiction.

I'm really tired right now...I've already just typed out a journal type history of the whole family situation and the ties of mental illness around it all...so I'm pretty drained from that.

I just wanted to let you guys know that I, at least for today, had some sun in my life.

And I found the most adorable little dog bed for my maltese at a garage sale for $8. It's gorgeous.

And I also realized that even when you're eating Ramen Noodles out of a styrofoam cup that eating it with chopsticks...makes it seem...a little elegant. :-) (My friends know me for being a freak about eating noodles, rice and other orietal food...ONLY with chopsticks...it's just fun and cultural..heehee...just never had eaten Ramen with em :-)

OH! And I had been seriously craving homemade brownies and since my oven is out of order and they don't sell homemade brownies in the grocery store...I was left to settle for chocolate candy. BUT then....today, what would you know....a church was selling homemade chocolate brownies for 25 cents each! (I think I bought them out....haha)

It was a good day. I've even started reading a mood disorder book about cognitive therapy techniques and thought journaling....so I'll see if it works worth a flip.

Hugs and prayers for all of you (and me too :-)

Jenna

Live

Glad for your good day!!!!

I am in hormone headache cycle. But yesterday I re-connected via internet with a good friend, whom we have intellectual lively discussions about sociology, psychology, political, and personal issues. He considers me his other psychologist, I am good at the personal level, and he is my mentor on the big picture level.
I threw out an idea yesterday and am very eager for his careful, thoughtful, analytical reply.
Actually, I think I have a brilliant idea for the educational system. I know it is! But I am going to wait to hear what he has to say.

shutterbug

Live...glad you re-connected with your friend. Hope it all works out well.

Today....cranky doesnt' even begin to appropriately describe my mood. I realized my crakiness yesterday, even dispite the wonderful day. I found myself wanting to wrangle the neck of my grandmother...I love her, but that old bat is crazy, stubborn, narrow-minded in completely in denieal that she needs a HEARING AID. She gets mad and blames everyone else because she can't hear whats going on! ARG. So yesterday...I yelled at her and said, "Grandma! You need a hearing aid!"...so immediately replied, "I DO NOT need a hearing aid....there's just too many people talking at once. I can hear just fine!" Old bat....owhooo....I can't hardly stand to be around that hateful old woman for more than a few minutes....oh and don't even get me started on my uncle...her oldest son....he's a peice of work too. 50 and still lives with his momma and can't even clean his own room (can't even walk through it), no job, no reason not to have a job besides pure laziness all his life, no woman will even talk to him except this one in prison for a life w/o parol sentence who he's determined she's going to get released and marry him.

My family is wacked!

And my mom dragged me to her church picnic today at the park. I made myself stumble around and get dressed and she came and got me....boy was that a mistake! We were there for an hour before it was even time to eat. It was hot. I was tired and I didn't know anyone. Then after we ate, my mom knew I was feeling bad, but she said we couldn't leave yet. So I walked away from the group to the other side of the park to sit by myself and smoked for an hour while she jabbered away (you know churches and smoking anyway). Then when I had had enough I walked up to get her and just at that time...she darted into the beginning of a volleyball game. URG! So I patiently waited for the game to be over...it seemed to go on for a week. So I went and told her that I really needed to go. She finially said ok and we started heading for the car. WELL, she took a detor and ended up talking to some guy about buying real-estate in town....for 20 DAMN minutes while I sat there staring at her...barely able to prop myself up any longer. She knew I didn't feel good. She knew I didn't know any of those people. She knew that she had planned on staying there for hours...but yet she still dragged me there and didn't tell me or else I would have took my car. I though 1 hour max...boy was I wrong.

Well she's never again going to arm wrestle me into going to another one of HER church functions...or anything for that matter. I would have never done that to her....that's more like something my sister would do to her or me or anyone else for that matter. I hate selfish people who are so inconciderate.

So YEAH...I'm cranky. And I would go to the woods and throw rocks at trees which sounds like so much fun right now...but I don't even have the energy to drive myself there...and even less energy to pick up rocks! So I'm beating up the keys on my keyboard right now with every word I pound out...so there! Take that!

going horizontal for a while....catch ya on the flip side.

shutterbug

I Don't Know What Was Lost From This Thread