Hi, friends)
Yesterday I just absolutely zonked out. I made 20 minutes meditation, and was going to be "not perfect" and watch a little bit of a moovie before falling asleep. I usually watch some - it helps be to drift from daytime reality to sleep. And also I've been always worried about the day to come, and not expecting anything good, that not falling asleep was a kind of a way to delay the morning to come.
This time I felt my body so pleasantly heavy, and all my thoughts silenced, that I was not afraid to start a journey that lies between the darkness and the morning. And flashing of TV screen was actually irritating me. So I turned it off, and immediately fell asleep.
Today though I should get my earplugs ready) It's hot, and I keep the window open, and the noise of a nearby road and young people having fun late at night kept me waked up for a while).
The birds are singing loud. I can hear them now. Actually right now some little thing is just warbling. Seems for the first time I wonder - what is it?
I am still feel somewhat scared - what if, say tomorrow, my body will be adjusted to this med with immediate action, it will stop working, and I will return to my "normal" depressed state.
I've also started noticing my ususal way of thinking. Once I start feeling better, I feel obliged to do as many things as possible, packing my day up with actions, and acting till I am totally exhausted. Honestly, not even acting often, rather fussing around, just not to beel guilty for doing "nothing".
I remind myself not to rush. Three days ago, when I started taking meds, I had a huge pile of dirty dishes in my sink, and total mess in the kitchen. Well, total mess in the apartment overall. I started doing dishes bit by bit. Taking 5 and ten minutes. Today I've done them all)
I am learning to treat myself gently, withouts clumping and punishing around for not doing things "fast enough, perfect enough, normal enough".
Not slapping myself for smiling amist total chaos.
And, finally, being patient with myself.
Have a great weekend, my dear friends.
See you later)