i cut
Zen Nihilist
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 147
I used to self-harm for years; eventually I was doing it multiple times daily and in several different forms. It became a major compulsion for me, and the primary means I had of "dealing" with my emotions. The emotions themselves became darker, more frequent and persistent, and ultimately overwhelming as I continued to injure myself, rather than facing what I was feeling.
But by the time I recieved an intervention, I was well beyond the point of being able to heal on my own. It turned out that I had an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder, caused or complicated by childhood abuse, that had progressed to a severe state. I required clinical treatment.
I didn't stop harming right away. It wasn't like drugs where I could swear off for weeks without picking up. But as I recieved psychiatric treatment - medication, inpatient then outpatient therapy - the need to injure myself waned significantly. Within a few months, I wasn't injuring anymore.
Now here's the kicker - after months and months of not injuring, I went through a difficult emotional period. I decided to injure. Much to my chagrin, it HURT. It didn't give me the relief or "quell" my demons like it used to. It just hurt. I was astounded. I repeated that experience two more times over the next few years. Now, I've given up on the cutting and burning entirely. They just don't work for me anymore.
I still sometimes hit myself when I am especially rageful, but it is rare, and it hurts a lot more than it used to, so it's really not doing it for me anymore. But in reality, none of this was ever doing it for me. It was only making things so much worse.
I hope you realize you are not alone and you don't have to deal with this alone. The mental health field is very aware of us, they understand us, and they are there to treat us. At least, that has been my experience.
But by the time I recieved an intervention, I was well beyond the point of being able to heal on my own. It turned out that I had an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder, caused or complicated by childhood abuse, that had progressed to a severe state. I required clinical treatment.
I didn't stop harming right away. It wasn't like drugs where I could swear off for weeks without picking up. But as I recieved psychiatric treatment - medication, inpatient then outpatient therapy - the need to injure myself waned significantly. Within a few months, I wasn't injuring anymore.
Now here's the kicker - after months and months of not injuring, I went through a difficult emotional period. I decided to injure. Much to my chagrin, it HURT. It didn't give me the relief or "quell" my demons like it used to. It just hurt. I was astounded. I repeated that experience two more times over the next few years. Now, I've given up on the cutting and burning entirely. They just don't work for me anymore.
I still sometimes hit myself when I am especially rageful, but it is rare, and it hurts a lot more than it used to, so it's really not doing it for me anymore. But in reality, none of this was ever doing it for me. It was only making things so much worse.
I hope you realize you are not alone and you don't have to deal with this alone. The mental health field is very aware of us, they understand us, and they are there to treat us. At least, that has been my experience.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,064
Originally Posted by helpwanted101 
stopped cutting.....
Originally Posted by helpwanted101
lost my boyfriend
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Oh, Sweetie, that's awful.
I'm really glad you've stopped cutting but so sad this has happened to you.
1] nothing that happened is your fault no matter what he says or did, ok!
2] My fiance raped me 2 weeks ago so I know exactly how you feel right now, you are not alone.
3] It is so good that you have been able to tell us about it, have you/can you tell anyone else, it's nothing to be ashamed of and you need help and support right now.
4] No-one will judge you or force you to go to the police, that is your choice.
5] I talked to a rape crisis center, they are there to help women who have been sexually assaulted or raped, it helped me. I strongly suggest you contact one in your area, it will be completely confidential.
I've been raped 3 times and have posted a thread about it looking for support, if you want to read it, and most importantly, don't think it will upset you check out 'Raped? Wings Torn Again' in the newcomers forum'. Sorry don't know how to post a link, it may be in new posts though.
Do you want me to PM you so you can talk about it with me in private?
Let me know
Much love and understanding,
Kel xx
I'm really glad you've stopped cutting but so sad this has happened to you.
1] nothing that happened is your fault no matter what he says or did, ok!
2] My fiance raped me 2 weeks ago so I know exactly how you feel right now, you are not alone.
3] It is so good that you have been able to tell us about it, have you/can you tell anyone else, it's nothing to be ashamed of and you need help and support right now.
4] No-one will judge you or force you to go to the police, that is your choice.
5] I talked to a rape crisis center, they are there to help women who have been sexually assaulted or raped, it helped me. I strongly suggest you contact one in your area, it will be completely confidential.
I've been raped 3 times and have posted a thread about it looking for support, if you want to read it, and most importantly, don't think it will upset you check out 'Raped? Wings Torn Again' in the newcomers forum'. Sorry don't know how to post a link, it may be in new posts though.
Do you want me to PM you so you can talk about it with me in private?
Let me know
Much love and understanding,
Kel xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by helpwanted101
ummm he kinda sexual assaulted me
Please keep us updated, we care about you.
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Sweetie,
You don't have to tell us the details if you don't feel comfortable, I know how hard that is.
But it is really important to speak to a trained counsellor at the crisis centre.
When I was raped at 15 I made the huge mistake of thinking I could deal with it by myself and didn't tell anyone for 12 years. I was too scared to tell my parents as I thought they would think it was my fault, I was so wrong. Not telling anyone really screwed me up and is the main reason I am an addict now. I don't want that happening to you.
If you can't tell your parents you still need to tell someone as well as the crisis centre. I know you said earlier that you didn't feel like there was an adult in your life you could trust but there MUST be someone, read back through your thread, there are some great suggestions of who you could try talking to.
I've PMd you, you don't have to reply to me if you don't want to.
Just please post when you next check your thread and let us know how you are doing.
So many of us care so much about you.
Most importantly - NOTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS YOUR FAULT!
Much love,
Kel x
You don't have to tell us the details if you don't feel comfortable, I know how hard that is.
But it is really important to speak to a trained counsellor at the crisis centre.
When I was raped at 15 I made the huge mistake of thinking I could deal with it by myself and didn't tell anyone for 12 years. I was too scared to tell my parents as I thought they would think it was my fault, I was so wrong. Not telling anyone really screwed me up and is the main reason I am an addict now. I don't want that happening to you.
If you can't tell your parents you still need to tell someone as well as the crisis centre. I know you said earlier that you didn't feel like there was an adult in your life you could trust but there MUST be someone, read back through your thread, there are some great suggestions of who you could try talking to.
I've PMd you, you don't have to reply to me if you don't want to.
Just please post when you next check your thread and let us know how you are doing.
So many of us care so much about you.
Most importantly - NOTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS YOUR FAULT!
Much love,
Kel x
drop dead gorgeous
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Evansville,IN
Posts: 232
he just touched me all over... i said no and stop maybe 100 times he never did.. he told me it would be fun to rape me. he told me everything on my body was his. its not mine anymore.
i told my good friend wat happened. she touched my leg in support and i freaked out. i am totally emberrrassed
i told my good friend wat happened. she touched my leg in support and i freaked out. i am totally emberrrassed
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by helpwanted101
he just touched me all over... i said no and stop maybe 100 times he never did.. he told me it would be fun to rape me. he told me everything on my body was his. its not mine anymore.
i told my good friend wat happened. she touched my leg in support and i freaked out. i am totally emberrrassed
i told my good friend wat happened. she touched my leg in support and i freaked out. i am totally emberrrassed
Helpwanted101, PLEASE, go tell your parents, a school counselor or someone in authority you trust. It doesn't have to be a cop, just an adult in charge. This is not normal for him to do, it is NOT okay he's potentially dangerous to you and other girls. If you don't tell someone you risk him raping you for real or raping another girl. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. NONE of this is your fault, you must understand that. It is not okay what he did, it is not okay what he said. You reasonably freaked out when your friend touched your leg, although he or she probably meant it as a way to comfort you. It's normal to feel weirded out by close contact after being traumatized. We on SR can only help you so much here, you need to tell an adult because your safety is at risk. This guy needs to go to juvie before he's a hazard to anyone else. At the very least make sure he doesn't get anywhere near you. He's a predator who probably preys on girls with low self-esteem and he will try something, maybe not with you, but with someone else. Just remember you're not at fault and it's normal to feel how you're feeling. But please go tell an adult right away so they can help you now.
Take care and keep us updated.
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Sweetie,
Thanks for sharing with us, I know it must have been hard,
Your body is yours it does not belong to anyone else!
I agree with Clay, the fact that this guy talked about raping you means he is potentially dangerous, you need to stay away from him.
It is also completely normal and understandable that you do not feel comfortable being touched right now, you may not for a while.
Even though he didn't rape you he still sexually assaulted you and that is very, very wrong.
You cannot handle this by yourself.
It's great that you have told us and your friend but you need to tell a trusted adult and think about calling the sexual assault helpline.
Please don't make the same mistake I did and try to handle this without adult and professional help.
You need to put you personal safety and emotional well being first right now and take care of yourself.
I know you are 17 and old enough to make up your own mind but please trust what I am saying, I have been there and I understand all too well.
Take care of yourself, much love to you,
Please post soon and let us know what you have decided to do,
Love,
Faerie
Thanks for sharing with us, I know it must have been hard,
Your body is yours it does not belong to anyone else!
I agree with Clay, the fact that this guy talked about raping you means he is potentially dangerous, you need to stay away from him.
It is also completely normal and understandable that you do not feel comfortable being touched right now, you may not for a while.
Even though he didn't rape you he still sexually assaulted you and that is very, very wrong.
You cannot handle this by yourself.
It's great that you have told us and your friend but you need to tell a trusted adult and think about calling the sexual assault helpline.
Please don't make the same mistake I did and try to handle this without adult and professional help.
You need to put you personal safety and emotional well being first right now and take care of yourself.
I know you are 17 and old enough to make up your own mind but please trust what I am saying, I have been there and I understand all too well.
Take care of yourself, much love to you,
Please post soon and let us know what you have decided to do,
Love,
Faerie
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