Major depression/Bipolar Journal III
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Tena....i just realized something!!!
On the 17th you let yourself go manic by using the caffene and this is the depressive episode that always follows a manic one! Luckily you didn't stay "up" very long so this depressive episode shouldn't last much longer...unless there's bigger issues going on.
Are you feeling any better today?
On the 17th you let yourself go manic by using the caffene and this is the depressive episode that always follows a manic one! Luckily you didn't stay "up" very long so this depressive episode shouldn't last much longer...unless there's bigger issues going on.
Are you feeling any better today?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i wish i had gotton to experience a day (or several days) of mania before this depression crap started....at least maybe then i could have gotten some things done perhaps.
today's another rough one. yesterday i was numb. today...the tears are here again a little. And to add to things, another tooth has started hurting as of yesterday...it's the kind of dull pain with periodic stabbing pains that always end up leading to migraines.
I am flat broke now...and not enough gas to make it to my last assignment for the day I had thought i was only about $250 overdrawn in my primary checking account (with another $250 overdrawn in my other account), but i called today and more things came that i already thought had gone thru...and that took away another $122.50 from my account. i'm screwed.
and the boys are not paying me any attention and i'm just full of self-loathing and pity right now...the ending it all thoughts are frequent today. but i just keep reminding myself that once i get this money/bills crap straightened out ....then all i'll have to worry about is my depression and loneliness again....but then that doesn't sound too comforting either.
today's another rough one. yesterday i was numb. today...the tears are here again a little. And to add to things, another tooth has started hurting as of yesterday...it's the kind of dull pain with periodic stabbing pains that always end up leading to migraines.
I am flat broke now...and not enough gas to make it to my last assignment for the day I had thought i was only about $250 overdrawn in my primary checking account (with another $250 overdrawn in my other account), but i called today and more things came that i already thought had gone thru...and that took away another $122.50 from my account. i'm screwed.
and the boys are not paying me any attention and i'm just full of self-loathing and pity right now...the ending it all thoughts are frequent today. but i just keep reminding myself that once i get this money/bills crap straightened out ....then all i'll have to worry about is my depression and loneliness again....but then that doesn't sound too comforting either.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Jenna -- I'm sorry today is not good.
Forget about those boys for now. You need to take care of you. I can understand the money/bills crap....I've got my own pile at home and just haven't looked at my account for a while. Possibly tonight?
hugs sweetie!!
Forget about those boys for now. You need to take care of you. I can understand the money/bills crap....I've got my own pile at home and just haven't looked at my account for a while. Possibly tonight?
hugs sweetie!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I have been for awhile sinking deeper and slowly deeper into depresion. Telling myself all sorts of platitudes, justifications and cliches.
I went in to P-doc to day to pay my bill and pre-pay next visit while I had the money. Unbelievable luck, she had a no show and got me right in. I totally ratted myself out. I told her that I have been sicker with depression than at any time she has been treating me over the last 4 years. We are going for an overhaul of my meds...scary...but they really weren't working anymore. Going off lexapro, on effexor and welbutrin. I really must have two anti-d's. And the trazadone for sleep is Desyrel which is also an anti-d that I can use as needed.
She wants to focus first on the depression and when we check back next month ( I usually see her every 3 month, maintenance.) after we get depression under control, then we will work on anxiety.
She told me that she did not think that I was able to or capable of working right now.
Do you know what a huge burden that lifted off me...with all the family pressure, the guilt, the stress, failure feeling. She validated that i was not well enough!
Oh, I have been overloaded with stressors at home...hubby's illness growing worse and intolerable, family pressure to take that project, financial problems..serious ones.
But we had him at the VA yesterday and got a good dr and that went far better than expected. We asked for no more morphine...that has been a month long daily nightmare.
They set him up with a tens unit. I am ecstatic about that! It really helps him...and I intend to use it too. May not have to see chiropractor ever again. It is a very expensive unit, but if he reports back next visit that it helps, they will buy it for him. It's on loan for trial right now.
I am pretty weary right now...after two pretty full days. We ran other errands too. Most action I have seen in awhile.
But I definately feel better, have hope and am going to work at this in a baby steps fashion.
I am in awe and tears at the breakthroughs that have come our way over the last week or so.
I was really giving up.
Man, paperdolls, everytime I see that avatar I feel envy. I really want to be able to do that...so that the next time someone asks me how I am, I have that in my repoirte.
It kind of says it all to me. LMAO
Shutter I am really tired and you did hit on some things with daughter and grandson, but it has been more battling with sis issue.
Will go back, read carefully and ponder them and respond when I am not so tired.
I went in to P-doc to day to pay my bill and pre-pay next visit while I had the money. Unbelievable luck, she had a no show and got me right in. I totally ratted myself out. I told her that I have been sicker with depression than at any time she has been treating me over the last 4 years. We are going for an overhaul of my meds...scary...but they really weren't working anymore. Going off lexapro, on effexor and welbutrin. I really must have two anti-d's. And the trazadone for sleep is Desyrel which is also an anti-d that I can use as needed.
She wants to focus first on the depression and when we check back next month ( I usually see her every 3 month, maintenance.) after we get depression under control, then we will work on anxiety.
She told me that she did not think that I was able to or capable of working right now.
Do you know what a huge burden that lifted off me...with all the family pressure, the guilt, the stress, failure feeling. She validated that i was not well enough!
Oh, I have been overloaded with stressors at home...hubby's illness growing worse and intolerable, family pressure to take that project, financial problems..serious ones.
But we had him at the VA yesterday and got a good dr and that went far better than expected. We asked for no more morphine...that has been a month long daily nightmare.
They set him up with a tens unit. I am ecstatic about that! It really helps him...and I intend to use it too. May not have to see chiropractor ever again. It is a very expensive unit, but if he reports back next visit that it helps, they will buy it for him. It's on loan for trial right now.
I am pretty weary right now...after two pretty full days. We ran other errands too. Most action I have seen in awhile.
But I definately feel better, have hope and am going to work at this in a baby steps fashion.
I am in awe and tears at the breakthroughs that have come our way over the last week or so.
I was really giving up.
Man, paperdolls, everytime I see that avatar I feel envy. I really want to be able to do that...so that the next time someone asks me how I am, I have that in my repoirte.
It kind of says it all to me. LMAO
Shutter I am really tired and you did hit on some things with daughter and grandson, but it has been more battling with sis issue.
Will go back, read carefully and ponder them and respond when I am not so tired.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Tena i'm so glad to hear things have improved! Yeah, isn't funny how we know we aren't capable of things (like pushing ourselves to work when too sick), but yet it still takes someone else to tell us this about ourselves for us to believe it and let go of all that crap that comes with thinking we should just be capable of doing more or better?
I know now is a difficult time to look into new things, but does hubby have social security...or just VA benefits? If social security...there might be a way to get a part-time home health aid to help with hubby so that you can concentrate on you? Just thinking about possibles.
I'm not so good, but still feeling numb about most of it. I am craving attention from boys more than i ever have in my life. Perhaps it has something to do with me being 31 and all that "sexual prime" jazz...i don't know. I just know it nearly breaks my heart every day when i open up my e-mail accounts and find no messages waiting for me to read. And the same goes for an hour later...and another hour later. I check them obsessively while at work. I can't hardly think about much else except for wondering why no one will reply to any of my messages or care enough to tell me they are just too busy right now.
Local guy disappeared Friday and i think i got 1 message from him since then (and we had talked for hours and hours last week - then poof -- he disappears. I knew we weren't compatable, but we were having a lot of fun getting to know each other through our conversations and it was really good for me and my life. Monday or Tuesday, he wrote a brief message saying that he had such a busy weekend that he little more than a few moments to check his messages and things. I told him that was BS and that if he really wanted to talk to me then he would have found a way. That's one thing i've learned from relationship self-help books and that i truely believe. We are ALL busy, but we still make time for those who are important to us in our lives....i just wasn't important enough to get a reply to my heart-felt message.
I waited nearly 2 days to reply to his "i'm sorry" message b/c i childishly wanted him to wonder like i did as to why he wasn't getting any responses. Then i wrote and that was when i told him that he could have made time to talk to me if he had really wanted to and i won't play second-fiddle to anyone (meaning that i thought his ex-girlfriend was back in town as she's not scheduled to actually move out for good until the 9th) and that he needs to be either hot or cold, but not luke warm because luke warm never has worked for me.
He didn't reply.
I got mad (hurt).
I wrote him a letter thanking him for making me feel so good that month or so the first time around and for all the giant laughs last week, but that i was deleting him from my friend's list b/c i don't want to want to care about when he's online anymore.
no reply.
i'm sad
i wanted him to frantically write me asking me to please not delete him and to explain himself. didn't happen.
i feel so lonely and alone.
I have felt so all my life, but boys make me able to push those feelings aside and let them over-ride all that childhood junk.
falling asleep at computer...
i'm sad. (oh and i did get to have lunch with a former c-worker from the old job today and her mom and one of her friends. it was the most pleasant lunch. i enjoyed every second of being around them....she saw me go thru my major episode and supported me more than anyone. Seeing her today felt like going home. i don't know how that makes sense, but that is the only way i know to try and describe how comforting and enjoyable it was to be with them).
Jenna
I know now is a difficult time to look into new things, but does hubby have social security...or just VA benefits? If social security...there might be a way to get a part-time home health aid to help with hubby so that you can concentrate on you? Just thinking about possibles.
I'm not so good, but still feeling numb about most of it. I am craving attention from boys more than i ever have in my life. Perhaps it has something to do with me being 31 and all that "sexual prime" jazz...i don't know. I just know it nearly breaks my heart every day when i open up my e-mail accounts and find no messages waiting for me to read. And the same goes for an hour later...and another hour later. I check them obsessively while at work. I can't hardly think about much else except for wondering why no one will reply to any of my messages or care enough to tell me they are just too busy right now.
Local guy disappeared Friday and i think i got 1 message from him since then (and we had talked for hours and hours last week - then poof -- he disappears. I knew we weren't compatable, but we were having a lot of fun getting to know each other through our conversations and it was really good for me and my life. Monday or Tuesday, he wrote a brief message saying that he had such a busy weekend that he little more than a few moments to check his messages and things. I told him that was BS and that if he really wanted to talk to me then he would have found a way. That's one thing i've learned from relationship self-help books and that i truely believe. We are ALL busy, but we still make time for those who are important to us in our lives....i just wasn't important enough to get a reply to my heart-felt message.
I waited nearly 2 days to reply to his "i'm sorry" message b/c i childishly wanted him to wonder like i did as to why he wasn't getting any responses. Then i wrote and that was when i told him that he could have made time to talk to me if he had really wanted to and i won't play second-fiddle to anyone (meaning that i thought his ex-girlfriend was back in town as she's not scheduled to actually move out for good until the 9th) and that he needs to be either hot or cold, but not luke warm because luke warm never has worked for me.
He didn't reply.
I got mad (hurt).
I wrote him a letter thanking him for making me feel so good that month or so the first time around and for all the giant laughs last week, but that i was deleting him from my friend's list b/c i don't want to want to care about when he's online anymore.
no reply.
i'm sad
i wanted him to frantically write me asking me to please not delete him and to explain himself. didn't happen.
i feel so lonely and alone.
I have felt so all my life, but boys make me able to push those feelings aside and let them over-ride all that childhood junk.
falling asleep at computer...
i'm sad. (oh and i did get to have lunch with a former c-worker from the old job today and her mom and one of her friends. it was the most pleasant lunch. i enjoyed every second of being around them....she saw me go thru my major episode and supported me more than anyone. Seeing her today felt like going home. i don't know how that makes sense, but that is the only way i know to try and describe how comforting and enjoyable it was to be with them).
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hubby would be able to get social security but would lose 30% of it by collecting it now...he has only 3 years to wait for full benefits.
I am glad that you had that enjoyable lunch.
You are giving those boys an awful lot of power over you!
But then I was told in my younger days that my enjoyment of guys would be the ruin of me. Um, I beg to differ! LOL But as you know, I wasn't wanting commitments, I was a good time girl.
I am glad that you had that enjoyable lunch.
You are giving those boys an awful lot of power over you!
But then I was told in my younger days that my enjoyment of guys would be the ruin of me. Um, I beg to differ! LOL But as you know, I wasn't wanting commitments, I was a good time girl.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
it's not a matter of giving them power over me...i've never had any of my own power to use myself.
I positive it goes back to my "first" real relationship....and how i was ignored by mom, dad, step-mom and step-sister (everyone in my daily life other than sis). My first came along and suddenly somebody WANTED to be around me and spend time with me. My world didn't think me worthy of love and attention so i believed i didn't deserve it either. Then, with the first....i was able to use his eyes in a way to see myself, for the first time, as worthy of love and attention.
(then of course, my dad made my life a living hell by telling me i wasn't allowed to see or talk to this ONE person in my life that didn't make me feel like an undeserving human. The one person who I wasn't a burden to was the one person my father was trying to take away from me. the only person that made me feel loved...and i was being constantly yelled at, slapped, chastized, grounded, etc., for refusing to let go of those feelings of being loved.
yes....this power was given to all men without my permission.
All i've ever wanted is to be loved and cherished so badly...that to not have that is my living nightmare...a true hell for me that tortures my spirit every waking moment.
i don't want to start crying....got to go to bed.
Tena you seem so much more like yourself....i hope this is the turning point and the darkness is lifting away for you now.
love,
Jenna
I positive it goes back to my "first" real relationship....and how i was ignored by mom, dad, step-mom and step-sister (everyone in my daily life other than sis). My first came along and suddenly somebody WANTED to be around me and spend time with me. My world didn't think me worthy of love and attention so i believed i didn't deserve it either. Then, with the first....i was able to use his eyes in a way to see myself, for the first time, as worthy of love and attention.
(then of course, my dad made my life a living hell by telling me i wasn't allowed to see or talk to this ONE person in my life that didn't make me feel like an undeserving human. The one person who I wasn't a burden to was the one person my father was trying to take away from me. the only person that made me feel loved...and i was being constantly yelled at, slapped, chastized, grounded, etc., for refusing to let go of those feelings of being loved.
yes....this power was given to all men without my permission.
All i've ever wanted is to be loved and cherished so badly...that to not have that is my living nightmare...a true hell for me that tortures my spirit every waking moment.
i don't want to start crying....got to go to bed.
Tena you seem so much more like yourself....i hope this is the turning point and the darkness is lifting away for you now.
love,
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Yes, I am getting myself back. In fact, with the new meds I hope it will be a new and improved version. LOL
Something I am working on and I am in the smallest baby steps about it, is that my feelings need not dictate my actions. I can feel one way, acknowledge the feelings and choose to act another way. This is going to be a long, slow, hard process for me....but I believe it will change my life in some of the most wonderful ways!
I have been very busy for the last three days, so I took a nap today that turned into hours....so now am awake.
Respectfully, I do believe that you have some power of choice, unless you have OCD, which can be treated. The more we excercise and own our own power the stronger it gets. I have seen you apply this to other areas of your life. Can you talk to your counselor about it?
There is alot of info and experience about this in the family and friends forums.
That thing about the lack of love and approval often subconsiously pushes into hooking up with unavailable men.
Loneliness is so hard to deal with. It is one of the worst pains I have lived with.
I learned to do without boyfriends, but had a very active social life. Lots of time with people. Maybe sometimes we were up to no good LOL....but after a long time I came out of my cocoon and started meeting people with no other agenda than having a fun time.
Something I am working on and I am in the smallest baby steps about it, is that my feelings need not dictate my actions. I can feel one way, acknowledge the feelings and choose to act another way. This is going to be a long, slow, hard process for me....but I believe it will change my life in some of the most wonderful ways!
I have been very busy for the last three days, so I took a nap today that turned into hours....so now am awake.
Respectfully, I do believe that you have some power of choice, unless you have OCD, which can be treated. The more we excercise and own our own power the stronger it gets. I have seen you apply this to other areas of your life. Can you talk to your counselor about it?
There is alot of info and experience about this in the family and friends forums.
That thing about the lack of love and approval often subconsiously pushes into hooking up with unavailable men.
Loneliness is so hard to deal with. It is one of the worst pains I have lived with.
I learned to do without boyfriends, but had a very active social life. Lots of time with people. Maybe sometimes we were up to no good LOL....but after a long time I came out of my cocoon and started meeting people with no other agenda than having a fun time.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i had been trying with a little success before this episode to learn to implement that kind of thing in my life -- that my thoughts/feelings need not control my actions. right now tho...i have little control, as my brain gets hyper-focused on whatever it is until i do whatever my emotions ae wanting me to do....and then my brain shifts to obsess over whatever result that brings.
I do have some OCD issues, tho i haven't read enough on that topic to know if I could be truely considered OCD....i have read enough to know that the diagnosis is a possibility.
As for the power to the boys....intellectually i know that there has to be some power available for me to learn to hold onto, but in this current state of depressive....it's just not possible to push forward when it's taking everything i have just to keep from being dragged backward.
yeah, if insurance issues get worked out then i can talk to counselor about it. Her own procrastination all year has caught up to me and until all the money i've paid her this year gets registered with my insurance, then I can't afford to see her and i also won't b/c i'm not going to continue paying something that my insurance will pay 100 percent of once she does her part. I'm really frustrated about that in case no one can tell.
*****warning*****possible trigger*************
The friends and family forum is a thought, although i currently in a state where i am sick of self-help. i've worked my self-help butt off....and where has it gotton me? On the edge of needing to rat myself out and go back into the hospital for my own safety? it's too hard and too much work for such little progress. i'm sick of it. Heck, if my addiction was booze...i'd be blacked out by now. anything to take this all away from my conscious for a while.
i just hurt so much for closeness with someone...i want to scream out to the 2 boys "don't you know how happy you can make me by just paying attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!"
Earlier before i went to bed (which i had thought would be for the night until my tooth pain woke me)....i was outside smoking and i had the thought, "It's a good thing i don't own a gun..."
I've never had that thought....where i truely wouldn't be able to trust myself if i had access to one. My face is drowning in tears and my spirit to push forward is quickly drowning in dispair and extreme misery from the loneliness. why doesn't anyone want to love me? why can't i love me enough? why am i admitting all this?
i have to go back to sleep now.
I do have some OCD issues, tho i haven't read enough on that topic to know if I could be truely considered OCD....i have read enough to know that the diagnosis is a possibility.
As for the power to the boys....intellectually i know that there has to be some power available for me to learn to hold onto, but in this current state of depressive....it's just not possible to push forward when it's taking everything i have just to keep from being dragged backward.
yeah, if insurance issues get worked out then i can talk to counselor about it. Her own procrastination all year has caught up to me and until all the money i've paid her this year gets registered with my insurance, then I can't afford to see her and i also won't b/c i'm not going to continue paying something that my insurance will pay 100 percent of once she does her part. I'm really frustrated about that in case no one can tell.
*****warning*****possible trigger*************
The friends and family forum is a thought, although i currently in a state where i am sick of self-help. i've worked my self-help butt off....and where has it gotton me? On the edge of needing to rat myself out and go back into the hospital for my own safety? it's too hard and too much work for such little progress. i'm sick of it. Heck, if my addiction was booze...i'd be blacked out by now. anything to take this all away from my conscious for a while.
i just hurt so much for closeness with someone...i want to scream out to the 2 boys "don't you know how happy you can make me by just paying attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!"
Earlier before i went to bed (which i had thought would be for the night until my tooth pain woke me)....i was outside smoking and i had the thought, "It's a good thing i don't own a gun..."
I've never had that thought....where i truely wouldn't be able to trust myself if i had access to one. My face is drowning in tears and my spirit to push forward is quickly drowning in dispair and extreme misery from the loneliness. why doesn't anyone want to love me? why can't i love me enough? why am i admitting all this?
i have to go back to sleep now.
Last edited by shutterbug; 07-27-2007 at 12:49 AM.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
back in from smoking and decided to make a pb&j w milk for comfort and to help me sleep better.
i don't want anyone here to worry about me b/c of what i've written. This is my journal -- the good, bad and ugly. I know i will feel better in the morning and that feeling this bad is temporary and is almost certain a direct result of only having about 2 hours sleep in the past day and a half. Rejenative sleep is the best medicine for me at the moment....then tomorrow i will have more strength to handle all these emotions.
tomorrow will be better.....and it's Friday to boot.
i don't want anyone here to worry about me b/c of what i've written. This is my journal -- the good, bad and ugly. I know i will feel better in the morning and that feeling this bad is temporary and is almost certain a direct result of only having about 2 hours sleep in the past day and a half. Rejenative sleep is the best medicine for me at the moment....then tomorrow i will have more strength to handle all these emotions.
tomorrow will be better.....and it's Friday to boot.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh, goodness, do not worry over what you say here! Not to me anyway!
I did not realize you are so depressed!
And we both know the sleep deprivation is a killer to our well-being...what little we have and are trying to hang onto in the bad times.
So, you are working a miracle going to work daily as you are!
Can you start 'tithing" ...paying yourself 10% of your income and putting it where it can not be easily reached? Is there an automatic withdrawal savings plan where you work?
That tooth has been bothering you for awhile.
The physical pain on top of mental, emotional pain can get overwhelming!
Geez, I just told my p-doc that I had been having violent dreams for several months now. Not anyone in particular, not the kind where you are processing anger or rage or etc. No, I was a sniper! Just killing every night. And that after much thinking I was beginning to wonder if it wasn't subconsious suicidal ideation.
When I get really depressed I just sit here and basically act dead. Won't even feed myself. I think I have been passively suicidal many times.
And the urge to just drink to oblivion! OH, yeah. I know that feeling very well.
It is even harder for me because I do have anxiety meds that I CAN just knock myself out with...and yes, I have done that.
hmmmm...two of my new antidepressants are supposed to be "activating" to counteract the lethargy of my anxiety med...and the lump on the log I have been.
I hope I adjust to them soon, as right now they are a little too activating. It is 5am and I am not at all sleepy. And I did take an extra anxiety med, trying to go to bed at a reasonable but late time.
The thing is, at least in smaller towns where I am, the place to get out and just have some social life and meet people....is happy hour at pubs, the finer ones.
I have tried all sorts of things, like church, singles dances (those are good), looking for clubs....going to bluegrass everyone was like 80 years old!.....even married we still fall back on our favorite pub every once in awhile...it's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.
I did not realize you are so depressed!
And we both know the sleep deprivation is a killer to our well-being...what little we have and are trying to hang onto in the bad times.
So, you are working a miracle going to work daily as you are!
Can you start 'tithing" ...paying yourself 10% of your income and putting it where it can not be easily reached? Is there an automatic withdrawal savings plan where you work?
That tooth has been bothering you for awhile.
The physical pain on top of mental, emotional pain can get overwhelming!
Geez, I just told my p-doc that I had been having violent dreams for several months now. Not anyone in particular, not the kind where you are processing anger or rage or etc. No, I was a sniper! Just killing every night. And that after much thinking I was beginning to wonder if it wasn't subconsious suicidal ideation.
When I get really depressed I just sit here and basically act dead. Won't even feed myself. I think I have been passively suicidal many times.
And the urge to just drink to oblivion! OH, yeah. I know that feeling very well.
It is even harder for me because I do have anxiety meds that I CAN just knock myself out with...and yes, I have done that.
hmmmm...two of my new antidepressants are supposed to be "activating" to counteract the lethargy of my anxiety med...and the lump on the log I have been.
I hope I adjust to them soon, as right now they are a little too activating. It is 5am and I am not at all sleepy. And I did take an extra anxiety med, trying to go to bed at a reasonable but late time.
The thing is, at least in smaller towns where I am, the place to get out and just have some social life and meet people....is happy hour at pubs, the finer ones.
I have tried all sorts of things, like church, singles dances (those are good), looking for clubs....going to bluegrass everyone was like 80 years old!.....even married we still fall back on our favorite pub every once in awhile...it's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh, yes, I am sick to death of self-help. Have been for quite a long time now.
I have been on a hiatus from that for a long, long time now.
I learn things from chatting with people but will not go on a self-help quest.
Crap I have been doing that for over 20 years.
What I NEED is enough money to live on and my medications.
After awhile always thinking myself deficient and needing all this self help is just not very good for me. In fact, it has become harmful.
I have and am changing my focus onto just living life.
I am not going to search out character flaws and personal defects...it's awfully bad for my self-esteem and sets me back.
I like to read positive things and have heroes to read and speak to me.
And besides in 20 years, more like 30 I have been reading psychology, sociology and later humanities.......I have seen so many fad cycles in the self-help stuff.
And there are some popular methods that just gag me!
You do still have your meds, don't you?
I have been on a hiatus from that for a long, long time now.
I learn things from chatting with people but will not go on a self-help quest.
Crap I have been doing that for over 20 years.
What I NEED is enough money to live on and my medications.
After awhile always thinking myself deficient and needing all this self help is just not very good for me. In fact, it has become harmful.
I have and am changing my focus onto just living life.
I am not going to search out character flaws and personal defects...it's awfully bad for my self-esteem and sets me back.
I like to read positive things and have heroes to read and speak to me.
And besides in 20 years, more like 30 I have been reading psychology, sociology and later humanities.......I have seen so many fad cycles in the self-help stuff.
And there are some popular methods that just gag me!
You do still have your meds, don't you?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
yeah....still have meds, but we both know i'm way over-due for an adjustment and addition of a stabalizer.
I don't really think the nightmares you are having is coming from as a bad a place as it seems. In what you just wrote (and knowing some of the struggles you guys have been going through)...I think it more of dreams of protecting yourself rather than harming yourself. Most dreams seem to be symbolic rather than literal (or close to literal).
My take on it is that perhaps all the people you are sniper-ing....respresent all the difficult issues going on lately? You are such a strong woman that I can easily see your subconscious saying..."I can handle this! I'll just hunt down the problems and take them out one by one!!"
Just a thought.
the tooth....this is actually a different one. last year i had a bad one that sent me in tears from overwhelmingly intense pain racing to the dentist at closing time for an emergency root canal (well a partial one anyway...then the next morning went back to finish it). That was a year ago and I had 4 other teeth that needed root canals.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is one of those 4...and not a 5th or 6th. Just before NY a large wedge of this back tooth just came out! I'm surprised i've been able to get by this long without having any real pains. Man though, it makes me tempted to just say screw it and get them all pulled and get pretty, perfect-looking set of falsies!!
Are you taking the Wellbutrin and Effexor in the early morning? How many milligrams of each are you taking?
Since im very behind in all bills...i tried to re-finance my car loan today with a bank so i could get a smaller monthly car payment, but get extra money now to get me caught up and to start all the dental work asap. Denied. I'm going to try to get around tomorrow to see if any finacial loan companies are open on saturday. Mom seems to think they would be more apt to lend to me than a bank.
The "tithing/savings" thing is something i've thought about wanting to do for a couple of years now....i don't know of any program through work to do savings. I'm planning to switch banks soon b/c of the move and i'm going to see if any of the banks have some kind of automatic savings programs like that.
What are those popular psychology methods that gag you so much?
I don't really think the nightmares you are having is coming from as a bad a place as it seems. In what you just wrote (and knowing some of the struggles you guys have been going through)...I think it more of dreams of protecting yourself rather than harming yourself. Most dreams seem to be symbolic rather than literal (or close to literal).
My take on it is that perhaps all the people you are sniper-ing....respresent all the difficult issues going on lately? You are such a strong woman that I can easily see your subconscious saying..."I can handle this! I'll just hunt down the problems and take them out one by one!!"
Just a thought.
the tooth....this is actually a different one. last year i had a bad one that sent me in tears from overwhelmingly intense pain racing to the dentist at closing time for an emergency root canal (well a partial one anyway...then the next morning went back to finish it). That was a year ago and I had 4 other teeth that needed root canals.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is one of those 4...and not a 5th or 6th. Just before NY a large wedge of this back tooth just came out! I'm surprised i've been able to get by this long without having any real pains. Man though, it makes me tempted to just say screw it and get them all pulled and get pretty, perfect-looking set of falsies!!
Are you taking the Wellbutrin and Effexor in the early morning? How many milligrams of each are you taking?
Since im very behind in all bills...i tried to re-finance my car loan today with a bank so i could get a smaller monthly car payment, but get extra money now to get me caught up and to start all the dental work asap. Denied. I'm going to try to get around tomorrow to see if any finacial loan companies are open on saturday. Mom seems to think they would be more apt to lend to me than a bank.
The "tithing/savings" thing is something i've thought about wanting to do for a couple of years now....i don't know of any program through work to do savings. I'm planning to switch banks soon b/c of the move and i'm going to see if any of the banks have some kind of automatic savings programs like that.
What are those popular psychology methods that gag you so much?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
oh!!!!!!!!
I almost forgot to tell you!!!!!
Mom realized a warning sign of my mood shifts and only tonight told me about it in casual conversation like it was no big deal!!
She said she can usually tell when i'm about to have a mood shift...though she never knows which way I will go...up or down. HOW!!!!???????
Come to find out....she said that I start studdering just before I shift!!!
I had no idea. The only time i've noticed myself studdering was that day they picked me up from the hospital from my first mental hospitalization...and i was rapid cycling in warp-speed and in major extremes (going from non-stop talking and mind going a million a minute to it all switching mid-sentence to where my brain couldn't even figure out how to say the words to even be able to finish the sentence.
Why i hadn't noticed my own studdering lately...i don't know. But i'm so excited that mom was able to pick up on it and tell me about it. She said i was doing it yesterday (before i went into the depression) and earlier during work she noticed it today and i switched into hypo-mania within a few hours of when she recalled noticing me studdering.
Wow....i'm just SO excited to know that there is an actual warning sign to my mood cycling!
I almost forgot to tell you!!!!!
Mom realized a warning sign of my mood shifts and only tonight told me about it in casual conversation like it was no big deal!!
She said she can usually tell when i'm about to have a mood shift...though she never knows which way I will go...up or down. HOW!!!!???????
Come to find out....she said that I start studdering just before I shift!!!
I had no idea. The only time i've noticed myself studdering was that day they picked me up from the hospital from my first mental hospitalization...and i was rapid cycling in warp-speed and in major extremes (going from non-stop talking and mind going a million a minute to it all switching mid-sentence to where my brain couldn't even figure out how to say the words to even be able to finish the sentence.
Why i hadn't noticed my own studdering lately...i don't know. But i'm so excited that mom was able to pick up on it and tell me about it. She said i was doing it yesterday (before i went into the depression) and earlier during work she noticed it today and i switched into hypo-mania within a few hours of when she recalled noticing me studdering.
Wow....i'm just SO excited to know that there is an actual warning sign to my mood cycling!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
That is so cool, that your mom was able to give you that aha!
Just as you just did for me, because your theory of shooting down problems makes alot of sense, I NEVER would have thought of it, but,...by golly, I think you are right.
Because since we have been resolving things I haven't had one since!
Right now we are weaning me off lexapro and onto effexor, so I take 10 mg of lexapro and 37.5 of effexor...in a few more days I will be off the lexapro and on 75 mg of effexor. 150mg Welbutrin XL and 100mg trazadone/Desyrel.....3 anti depressants altho the trazadone is as needed and is mostly for sleep. Yes, read up a bit last night and know that they must be taken early moring. Also still on 4mg/1 mg up to 4X for anxiety, xanax. But my anxiety seems to be less on the new meds. But I did read that Welbutrin has a honeymoom effect for about the first week. It's working for me...I am feeling great.
We were able to save money when I was married because they had a program where his chosen % was withdrawn from his check, so we never saw it or had our hands on the money. Makes it so much easier.
If nothing else, around here pawn shops will make loans on car titles, but oops, guess you don't have your title if you are making payments.
I tried a couple of years ago, but not very hard to get a loan against my paid off car and was denied too. Just tried one bank I had banked at and paid the car off very early with. It p'd me off!
I will answer the gag me with a spoon self help when I finally get around to that email. Would not go over very well here. Discretion, y'know LOL
I think I might be interested in some cognitive behavorial therapy tho....but I would get workbooks instead of going into therapy. I need to look into it more.
Well, my day is slipping away......
Just as you just did for me, because your theory of shooting down problems makes alot of sense, I NEVER would have thought of it, but,...by golly, I think you are right.
Because since we have been resolving things I haven't had one since!
Right now we are weaning me off lexapro and onto effexor, so I take 10 mg of lexapro and 37.5 of effexor...in a few more days I will be off the lexapro and on 75 mg of effexor. 150mg Welbutrin XL and 100mg trazadone/Desyrel.....3 anti depressants altho the trazadone is as needed and is mostly for sleep. Yes, read up a bit last night and know that they must be taken early moring. Also still on 4mg/1 mg up to 4X for anxiety, xanax. But my anxiety seems to be less on the new meds. But I did read that Welbutrin has a honeymoom effect for about the first week. It's working for me...I am feeling great.
We were able to save money when I was married because they had a program where his chosen % was withdrawn from his check, so we never saw it or had our hands on the money. Makes it so much easier.
If nothing else, around here pawn shops will make loans on car titles, but oops, guess you don't have your title if you are making payments.
I tried a couple of years ago, but not very hard to get a loan against my paid off car and was denied too. Just tried one bank I had banked at and paid the car off very early with. It p'd me off!
I will answer the gag me with a spoon self help when I finally get around to that email. Would not go over very well here. Discretion, y'know LOL
I think I might be interested in some cognitive behavorial therapy tho....but I would get workbooks instead of going into therapy. I need to look into it more.
Well, my day is slipping away......
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
well despite my latest lack of interest in self-help....on my way to get coffee a minute ago, i passed a book store and went in and found the relationship book you recommended. It was only $10 and when i got to the car i was even more excited when i realized it has been printed with BOTH the first AND second volumes!!! I had a little trouble finding it, but this double print is called "All the Rules" (by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider).
I'm so excited b/c....instead of spending my sunday wasting away in front of my computer going back and forth btwn my 5 main sites hitting "refresh" over and over to see if anyone has written me ...i can lose myself in reminding myself how stupid that is to be so needy and i know the book will give me strength i much need right now to focus more on MY life and happiness right now.
Really, it's the first thing i've been really excited about doing in weeks.
i'll come back here laters and properly respond to your wonderful post. I definetly think the CBT would be beneficial....tho i didn't know there were workbooks available for it!!
hugs,
Jenna
I'm so excited b/c....instead of spending my sunday wasting away in front of my computer going back and forth btwn my 5 main sites hitting "refresh" over and over to see if anyone has written me ...i can lose myself in reminding myself how stupid that is to be so needy and i know the book will give me strength i much need right now to focus more on MY life and happiness right now.
Really, it's the first thing i've been really excited about doing in weeks.
i'll come back here laters and properly respond to your wonderful post. I definetly think the CBT would be beneficial....tho i didn't know there were workbooks available for it!!
hugs,
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hmmm....sounds like same authors but different title. I will have to hit the bookstore.
I am glad you picked it up and I hope it is the same as the one or an improvement on the first addition that I had in mind.
My new med are a miracle Jenna. I am feeling so much better than I have in ages! It is just awesome.
I really complained about the lethary with p-doc, well she fixed that. I can't sit still too long or hang around on forums all day and all night like I was doing.
I've a bunch of clutter on the floor from yesterday's errands and purchases and then going to the 50 cent flea market this morning. But tired, and the heat unbearable just wiped me out! So I will pick at it some at a time. My goal, but not all in one day is to get all the laundry caught up and put away. Evertime I think I can see the end of it, a few days so by and it is all piled up again! Phooey!
I am glad you picked it up and I hope it is the same as the one or an improvement on the first addition that I had in mind.
My new med are a miracle Jenna. I am feeling so much better than I have in ages! It is just awesome.
I really complained about the lethary with p-doc, well she fixed that. I can't sit still too long or hang around on forums all day and all night like I was doing.
I've a bunch of clutter on the floor from yesterday's errands and purchases and then going to the 50 cent flea market this morning. But tired, and the heat unbearable just wiped me out! So I will pick at it some at a time. My goal, but not all in one day is to get all the laundry caught up and put away. Evertime I think I can see the end of it, a few days so by and it is all piled up again! Phooey!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
