i had been trying with a little success before this episode to learn to implement that kind of thing in my life -- that my thoughts/feelings need not control my actions. right now tho...i have little control, as my brain gets hyper-focused on whatever it is until i do whatever my emotions ae wanting me to do....and then my brain shifts to obsess over whatever result that brings.
I do have some OCD issues, tho i haven't read enough on that topic to know if I could be truely considered OCD....i have read enough to know that the diagnosis is a possibility.
As for the power to the boys....intellectually i know that there has to be some power available for me to learn to hold onto, but in this current state of depressive....it's just not possible to push forward when it's taking everything i have just to keep from being dragged backward.
yeah, if insurance issues get worked out then i can talk to counselor about it. Her own procrastination all year has caught up to me and until all the money i've paid her this year gets registered with my insurance, then I can't afford to see her and i also won't b/c i'm not going to continue paying something that my insurance will pay 100 percent of once she does her part. I'm really frustrated about that in case no one can tell.
*****warning*****possible trigger*************
The friends and family forum is a thought, although i currently in a state where i am sick of self-help. i've worked my self-help butt off....and where has it gotton me? On the edge of needing to rat myself out and go back into the hospital for my own safety? it's too hard and too much work for such little progress. i'm sick of it. Heck, if my addiction was booze...i'd be blacked out by now. anything to take this all away from my conscious for a while.
i just hurt so much for closeness with someone...i want to scream out to the 2 boys "don't you know how happy you can make me by just paying attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!"
Earlier before i went to bed (which i had thought would be for the night until my tooth pain woke me)....i was outside smoking and i had the thought, "It's a good thing i don't own a gun..."
I've never had that thought....where i truely wouldn't be able to trust myself if i had access to one. My face is drowning in tears and my spirit to push forward is quickly drowning in dispair and extreme misery from the loneliness. why doesn't anyone want to love me? why can't i love me enough? why am i admitting all this?
i have to go back to sleep now.
Last edited by shutterbug; 07-27-2007 at 12:49 AM.