On Being A Pothead
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
On Being A Pothead
Hi.
Been a fairly longtimer here on SR but haven't really spent a lot of time in this forum. Mostly because this time around in recovery (7 years sober) my sobriety had also been free of marijuana. That changed over the past year - with an 'innocent' casual few puffs that over the course of the past 6 months became full-blown, every day, often many times a day, pothead status.
My state legalized and that had a big role in this situation, because all of a sudden at the time I'd made the choice to casually have a few puffs, there's been an explosion of availability (including in-home delivery) of not just weed, but all manner of cannabis products like extracts and crystal and RSO.... stuff with ridiculously high THC content. So.... in a relatively short space of time, I found myself hurtling into the same kinds of territory as my long-time problems with alcohol.
I'd become a genuine pothead. Again.
Probably about 30 of my 48 years were spent as a somewhat to very regular user of marijuna. Of course, it varied greatly depending on my circumstances when it was illegal. And, of course, when I was only able to use it when I could get it, and it wasn't nearly as high-octane as today's products, it never really had the same powerfully negative impact on me. Never until now can remember in my life using cannabis and feeling almost nothing anymore, apart from disappointment in myself for using it. A scary place to be, because I know where things go from there.
Gratefully, this has not led to a relapse of alcoholism. Yet.
But I know damn well YET is the operative word.
Over the past couple of months I've struggled to shed myself of this burden and get back to the much more present, rewarding, capable and frankly far less problematic life I'd been living in pure and total sobriety for most of the past 7 years.
As I began to choose that return path, I've had fits and starts. Two days, Three days, Five days, Two days, one day.... etc. I reckon if you're here, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm not a pothead - so I've decided to go back to not ACTING like one.
Day Three is at its end and I'm hopeful that tonight I sleep better.
I've engaged with my therapist again and am starting a Men's group in late January.
Once I get this firmly behind me, I'm also going to start working as a volunteer at a local recovery center - because I'd lost my connection to service work during Covid and after our local detox stopped the volunteer program I would go and speak at. I'm sure that was part of my letting my guard down.
Anyway, I'm posting here because I imagine there are some folks on this forum who may not frequent the newcomers' forum and there are stories and experiences and community here that are specific to Marijuana Addiction that I'm sure I can benefit from as I gird my loins for the ongoing fight.
The good news here is that I do know for sure once I get a couple weeks or so out from this and I re-engage some of the practices I'd been slacking on:
These will all be there for me as they have been for these positive years and my overall stressors and problems will be drastically improved by removing Marijuana from the picture. Things that happen when I'm acting like a pothead:
And on the plus side - while acting like a pothead......
There's no plus side. That's all an addictive lie.
Anyway, that's what I have to say On Being A Pothead.
That and I'm really glad that today I haven't acted like one, I haven't used Marijuana for three days, and I'm doing the Next Right Thing with consistency to honor that and keep to "clean and sober" - not just "sober from alcohol".
Been a fairly longtimer here on SR but haven't really spent a lot of time in this forum. Mostly because this time around in recovery (7 years sober) my sobriety had also been free of marijuana. That changed over the past year - with an 'innocent' casual few puffs that over the course of the past 6 months became full-blown, every day, often many times a day, pothead status.
My state legalized and that had a big role in this situation, because all of a sudden at the time I'd made the choice to casually have a few puffs, there's been an explosion of availability (including in-home delivery) of not just weed, but all manner of cannabis products like extracts and crystal and RSO.... stuff with ridiculously high THC content. So.... in a relatively short space of time, I found myself hurtling into the same kinds of territory as my long-time problems with alcohol.
I'd become a genuine pothead. Again.
Probably about 30 of my 48 years were spent as a somewhat to very regular user of marijuna. Of course, it varied greatly depending on my circumstances when it was illegal. And, of course, when I was only able to use it when I could get it, and it wasn't nearly as high-octane as today's products, it never really had the same powerfully negative impact on me. Never until now can remember in my life using cannabis and feeling almost nothing anymore, apart from disappointment in myself for using it. A scary place to be, because I know where things go from there.
Gratefully, this has not led to a relapse of alcoholism. Yet.
But I know damn well YET is the operative word.
Over the past couple of months I've struggled to shed myself of this burden and get back to the much more present, rewarding, capable and frankly far less problematic life I'd been living in pure and total sobriety for most of the past 7 years.
As I began to choose that return path, I've had fits and starts. Two days, Three days, Five days, Two days, one day.... etc. I reckon if you're here, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm not a pothead - so I've decided to go back to not ACTING like one.
Day Three is at its end and I'm hopeful that tonight I sleep better.
I've engaged with my therapist again and am starting a Men's group in late January.
Once I get this firmly behind me, I'm also going to start working as a volunteer at a local recovery center - because I'd lost my connection to service work during Covid and after our local detox stopped the volunteer program I would go and speak at. I'm sure that was part of my letting my guard down.
Anyway, I'm posting here because I imagine there are some folks on this forum who may not frequent the newcomers' forum and there are stories and experiences and community here that are specific to Marijuana Addiction that I'm sure I can benefit from as I gird my loins for the ongoing fight.
The good news here is that I do know for sure once I get a couple weeks or so out from this and I re-engage some of the practices I'd been slacking on:
- Journaling
- SR posting
- Therapy
- Keeping my head in recovery
- Exercise
- Supporting others in recovery
- Meditation
These will all be there for me as they have been for these positive years and my overall stressors and problems will be drastically improved by removing Marijuana from the picture. Things that happen when I'm acting like a pothead:
- I slack off on basic chores around the house worse than normal and create stress and anxiety for my wife
- I am shorter with my kids
- I am less focused, less present, less capable - which leads to all kinds of issues from losing my stupid keys way more than I should, to forgetting what I walked into a room for, to spending hours and hours just thinking about and 'planning' things that I never do
- I spent money I don't have (on unemployment since March)
- I negatively impact my business (Started a business in February.... right before the pandemic began to shut everything down)
- I don't spend time meditating
- I don't spend time reading
- I don't go and exercise
- I frustrate my wife because my 'high-on' responses tick her off more than my just 'normal' ADHD brain responses
- My wife is a very very very occasional drinker, doesn't use drugs, is pretty dang keen on organization and follow through (we all know how much a person like her loves a pothead as a partner)
- I'm less empathetic in my interpersonal relationships
- I'm less apt to tend to my own health
- I undermine my spiritual connections
- And... probably a ton more.
And on the plus side - while acting like a pothead......
There's no plus side. That's all an addictive lie.
Anyway, that's what I have to say On Being A Pothead.
That and I'm really glad that today I haven't acted like one, I haven't used Marijuana for three days, and I'm doing the Next Right Thing with consistency to honor that and keep to "clean and sober" - not just "sober from alcohol".
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Posts: 211,479
I think action is important for sure.
I couldn't give up pot (or alcohol for that matter) without a commitment to change.
I was lucky that pot was not legal in any sense when I quit, so it was easier to avoid it - but of course alcohol is both legal and ubiquitous so if we can beat that we can beat this too FreeOwl
D
I couldn't give up pot (or alcohol for that matter) without a commitment to change.
I was lucky that pot was not legal in any sense when I quit, so it was easier to avoid it - but of course alcohol is both legal and ubiquitous so if we can beat that we can beat this too FreeOwl
D
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Hi FreeOwl and welcome to the forum.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place and an excellent sense of self.
I found daily affirmation so important. I'd visit here every morning and every evening. Still do most days when my computer isn't fritzing.
Hope you stick around and make SR part of your recovery.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place and an excellent sense of self.
I found daily affirmation so important. I'd visit here every morning and every evening. Still do most days when my computer isn't fritzing.
Hope you stick around and make SR part of your recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by lynnmarie123 
Hi FreeOwl and welcome to the forum.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place and an excellent sense of self.
I found daily affirmation so important. I'd visit here every morning and every evening. Still do most days when my computer isn't fritzing.
Hope you stick around and make SR part of your recovery.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place and an excellent sense of self.
I found daily affirmation so important. I'd visit here every morning and every evening. Still do most days when my computer isn't fritzing.
Hope you stick around and make SR part of your recovery.
I've been a community member here and SR has been a primary support tool and community for me in much of my 7 years of sobriety. Drifting away from SR was one of the chinks in my recovery armor that I allowed to gradually undermine my overall recovery and pick up cannabis again. So, I will absolutely stick around!!! And, while nearly all of my time at SR has been spent on the newcomer's forum, I reckon this one is now equally important to frequent!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Hey Owl, glad you found your way to this section. It’s been a little quiet lately but maybe we can stirs things up a little. Or maybe a post like yours inspires a lurker or two to come forward.
Your first post...parts of it I could’ve written myself. I think it is valuable that you saw what is happening early on after starting to use MJ again and the risks you are running by doing so. It sounds like you have a million reasons to quit and I know this can make it extra frustrating if you feel you cannot.
The whole legalisation thing can be difficult. As you know I come from a country where weed has been readily available for as long as I can remember. The funny thing is...I’ve been to the US a couple of times (pre-legalisation) and I’ve always felt the Americans (sorry for generalising) are much more drawn to MJ than say the average Dutchman. Maybe it has / had something to do with the legal-ness of it here. The average Dutch teenager might try it once of twice, but it didn’t have that secretive aura that it seemed to have when I spent some time in the US. That doesn’t mean that it’s not causing problems here, I don’t want to create that image.
I’ll be checking in here over the course of the weekend and I hope to see some more of your posts.
Stay safe and healthy all!
Your first post...parts of it I could’ve written myself. I think it is valuable that you saw what is happening early on after starting to use MJ again and the risks you are running by doing so. It sounds like you have a million reasons to quit and I know this can make it extra frustrating if you feel you cannot.
The whole legalisation thing can be difficult. As you know I come from a country where weed has been readily available for as long as I can remember. The funny thing is...I’ve been to the US a couple of times (pre-legalisation) and I’ve always felt the Americans (sorry for generalising) are much more drawn to MJ than say the average Dutchman. Maybe it has / had something to do with the legal-ness of it here. The average Dutch teenager might try it once of twice, but it didn’t have that secretive aura that it seemed to have when I spent some time in the US. That doesn’t mean that it’s not causing problems here, I don’t want to create that image.
I’ll be checking in here over the course of the weekend and I hope to see some more of your posts.
Stay safe and healthy all!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Good morning FDM!!
Yes, I agree, RE: legalization. On the other hand, Americans must take everything to the absolute extreme...... maybe it's the same in NL these days, but when I was there in the old days you could legally purchase flower, hashish, even certain hallucinogens..... but nothing on the order of the ridiculously potent stuff that's available here now that it's legal, nor all the various forms from flower to crystal to extracts, oils, sublinguals, sprays, gels, capsules.... the list goes on.
I think the combination of the 'secrecy and coolness' allure, the romanticism of the hippie era, then the legalization, the drastic increases in potency, the years-long movement promoting marijuana as "medicine' for everything from frustration to cancer, all contributed to my own journey. There are still plenty of people who don't use it, period. There are still plenty of people who really do only use it from time to time.... but in American society, as our systems become more and more broken, mental health rises, lives of the masses become more and more continually stressful..... I think legalization comes at a 'too late' point in the game, and it's not just legalization it's over-zealous proliferation and promotion.
In NL, I recall being unable to find coffeeshops or places to buy weed other than Amsterdam. I'm sure they were out there, but we never found em. Here in my state, thousands of towns and cities have 'dispensaries'. And, of those, they ALL have multiple. There are only about 20,000 people in my town. After one year of legalization, we have ten dispensaries within 20 minutes of my house and several home delivery services. It's over the top. I believe the dynamics of the American legalization context will drive an incredible surge in Marijuana Addiction and Cannabis Use Disorder. It'll take time, but my guess is that within 10 years, the USA will face a new addiction epidemic. It'll help relieve the opioid crisis, and possibly even help reduce alcoholism.... but it will just be a morphing into a new disorder - one that is in many ways more challenging since I do firmly believe that it takes longer and eventually hits just as hard as any other addiction.... and along the way it creates even in the best case a society of unfocused high ons who get nothing done.... lol.
Anyway, back to the Serenity Prayer. I can't really control or even influence what happens to society. That's out of the bounds of my 'power', so I have to keep it limited and simple: "The state of the laws regarding Marijuana bear no relevance to me - because Marijuana, for me, is a detriment to my life".
Yes, I agree, RE: legalization. On the other hand, Americans must take everything to the absolute extreme...... maybe it's the same in NL these days, but when I was there in the old days you could legally purchase flower, hashish, even certain hallucinogens..... but nothing on the order of the ridiculously potent stuff that's available here now that it's legal, nor all the various forms from flower to crystal to extracts, oils, sublinguals, sprays, gels, capsules.... the list goes on.
I think the combination of the 'secrecy and coolness' allure, the romanticism of the hippie era, then the legalization, the drastic increases in potency, the years-long movement promoting marijuana as "medicine' for everything from frustration to cancer, all contributed to my own journey. There are still plenty of people who don't use it, period. There are still plenty of people who really do only use it from time to time.... but in American society, as our systems become more and more broken, mental health rises, lives of the masses become more and more continually stressful..... I think legalization comes at a 'too late' point in the game, and it's not just legalization it's over-zealous proliferation and promotion.
In NL, I recall being unable to find coffeeshops or places to buy weed other than Amsterdam. I'm sure they were out there, but we never found em. Here in my state, thousands of towns and cities have 'dispensaries'. And, of those, they ALL have multiple. There are only about 20,000 people in my town. After one year of legalization, we have ten dispensaries within 20 minutes of my house and several home delivery services. It's over the top. I believe the dynamics of the American legalization context will drive an incredible surge in Marijuana Addiction and Cannabis Use Disorder. It'll take time, but my guess is that within 10 years, the USA will face a new addiction epidemic. It'll help relieve the opioid crisis, and possibly even help reduce alcoholism.... but it will just be a morphing into a new disorder - one that is in many ways more challenging since I do firmly believe that it takes longer and eventually hits just as hard as any other addiction.... and along the way it creates even in the best case a society of unfocused high ons who get nothing done.... lol.
Anyway, back to the Serenity Prayer. I can't really control or even influence what happens to society. That's out of the bounds of my 'power', so I have to keep it limited and simple: "The state of the laws regarding Marijuana bear no relevance to me - because Marijuana, for me, is a detriment to my life".
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Heading to bed, clean and sober - Day 4 no cannabis, 7 years 10 days sobriety from alcohol.....
I'm exhausted in a good way, from a 2 hour run, pulling my toddler in a ski-stroller and at times also pulling my 14 year old and 11 year old who were riding on the skis when they got tired.
I feel good, glad to be heading to bed feeling tired as heck and hopefully going to sleep through the night.
I had a big temptation moment. We ran with a friend and at the end of the run he offered "come on over later and get high with me". At the time I said, 'hey we'll see how the day goes'.
That was a failing.
I didn't say "I'm not using anymore"
or
"Thanks, but I've given that up...."
or
"I've learned over the last year that my casual choice to use marijuana again ultimately led to problematic addictive cannabis use and it's negatively impacting my life, so while I really do appreciate the offer, I'm not up for it. But, it'd be great to come over for a coffee and chat!"
And so, with that failing, I opened the door for my Addictive Voice, which predictably egged me on for an hour or so about how maybe if I was ONLY using cannabis if it were a situation where a friend offered. Or ONLY just a couple of puffs to socialize...... blah blah blah.
Thankfully, I was so tired and sore from pulling kids through the woods on a long run that the AV got beaten down by my weariness and I finally was able to say to it "no. Today is day 4. today's been a good day, if you do that, you'll only regret it tomorrow".
Then I binge watched a bunch of Schitt's Creek with my wife and now we're going to bed.
I'm exhausted in a good way, from a 2 hour run, pulling my toddler in a ski-stroller and at times also pulling my 14 year old and 11 year old who were riding on the skis when they got tired.
I feel good, glad to be heading to bed feeling tired as heck and hopefully going to sleep through the night.
I had a big temptation moment. We ran with a friend and at the end of the run he offered "come on over later and get high with me". At the time I said, 'hey we'll see how the day goes'.
That was a failing.
I didn't say "I'm not using anymore"
or
"Thanks, but I've given that up...."
or
"I've learned over the last year that my casual choice to use marijuana again ultimately led to problematic addictive cannabis use and it's negatively impacting my life, so while I really do appreciate the offer, I'm not up for it. But, it'd be great to come over for a coffee and chat!"
And so, with that failing, I opened the door for my Addictive Voice, which predictably egged me on for an hour or so about how maybe if I was ONLY using cannabis if it were a situation where a friend offered. Or ONLY just a couple of puffs to socialize...... blah blah blah.
Thankfully, I was so tired and sore from pulling kids through the woods on a long run that the AV got beaten down by my weariness and I finally was able to say to it "no. Today is day 4. today's been a good day, if you do that, you'll only regret it tomorrow".
Then I binge watched a bunch of Schitt's Creek with my wife and now we're going to bed.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Owl, you made my Sunday morning already. Don’t beat yourself up too much about not being clear to your friend. There’s always the chance to do that in the future. In the end you didn’t use any and that’s what counts. You had a really great Saturday and I bet your Sunday will be even better.
Don’t you just love standing in front of the mirror before going to bed, brushing your teeth and looking at a guy who is not stoned and who kept the deal he made with himself: to not use anything.
I’m going to have breakfast now, with a smile on my face. Your post put it there.
Don’t you just love standing in front of the mirror before going to bed, brushing your teeth and looking at a guy who is not stoned and who kept the deal he made with himself: to not use anything.
I’m going to have breakfast now, with a smile on my face. Your post put it there.
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Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by FlyingDutchMan
Owl, you made my Sunday morning already. Don’t beat yourself up too much about not being clear to your friend. There’s always the chance to do that in the future. In the end you didn’t use any and that’s what counts. You had a really great Saturday and I bet your Sunday will be even better.
Don’t you just love standing in front of the mirror before going to bed, brushing your teeth and looking at a guy who is not stoned and who kept the deal he made with himself: to not use anything.
I’m going to have breakfast now, with a smile on my face. Your post put it there.
Don’t you just love standing in front of the mirror before going to bed, brushing your teeth and looking at a guy who is not stoned and who kept the deal he made with himself: to not use anything.
I’m going to have breakfast now, with a smile on my face. Your post put it there.
On today's docket: another run/hike with a friend. A video chat with another friend who is starting a coaching practice and whom I haven't spoken with for a few years apart from Facebook, a potential visit to another friend's 40-acre homestead to catch up beside a bonfire and time spent with my daughters.....
DAY. FIVE.
Today is a milestone day.
Tomorrow will be the first Day 6 in almost a year!
Happy Sunday!
My mind went there too, FreeOwl.
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I'm gonna go read a story with my middle daughter, get ready for bed and sleep the incredibly-grateful sleep of going to bed Sober and Cannabis-free at the end of DAY FIVE!!!
For the first time in many months, I am looking forward to waking to a clear-headed, marijuana-free DAY SIX!!!!
LEVEL UNLOCKED!!!!
FDM - I want to thank you for your fellowship and partnership in this..... you've made a big difference.
Dee - thank you as well, as always.
Bimini and Lynnmarie, too.... your presence and energy has been a support.
Going for a run early morning with a friend.
G'nite!
For the first time in many months, I am looking forward to waking to a clear-headed, marijuana-free DAY SIX!!!!
LEVEL UNLOCKED!!!!
FDM - I want to thank you for your fellowship and partnership in this..... you've made a big difference.
Dee - thank you as well, as always.
Bimini and Lynnmarie, too.... your presence and energy has been a support.
Going for a run early morning with a friend.
G'nite!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Hello dear sober friends, it took me a while to check in today but boy it was worth it. First thread I decided to catch up on and good news all around. You made me blush a little FO, didn’t know I could make a difference in that way but I’m very glad I was able to. You sound so determined and positive. It’s having its effect on me too. Funny you mention the dreams, I had a full scale nightmare last night. We seem to be on equal roads. Let’s see what the upcoming night has in store for us.
Situation at home is nothing short of hectic. The schools are closed, we’re supposed to home-school the kids AND work at the same time, so it’s crazy. My youngest is four and needs a ton of attention but he is doing great. I’m pretty beat by the end of the day.
This always happens to me when I decide to quit. Things become very very hectic and I wonder how on earth I would’ve dealt with this while smoking daily. I will never know because I am sober as can be, running on a solid day 8.
Take care and have a wonderful day!
Situation at home is nothing short of hectic. The schools are closed, we’re supposed to home-school the kids AND work at the same time, so it’s crazy. My youngest is four and needs a ton of attention but he is doing great. I’m pretty beat by the end of the day.
This always happens to me when I decide to quit. Things become very very hectic and I wonder how on earth I would’ve dealt with this while smoking daily. I will never know because I am sober as can be, running on a solid day 8.
Take care and have a wonderful day!
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