Lost part 2
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Thank you! I totally agree with you. I live alone and take care of myself and my children. I am learning to fill my own cup.
i had a bit of a moment today when I looked at his Facebook and he had made this status update referring to his new girlfriend son as “his” son and how they hung out and had a great day together. It stung. It stung for my own son. But it was just a moment - I felt sad for a minute and let it pass.
I am going to take trailmix advice and stop looking - it hurts too much. And it’s not helping me. I am building a better life for myself and my babies. I won’t lose sight over that over some silly post. Probably lies anyways.
i had a bit of a moment today when I looked at his Facebook and he had made this status update referring to his new girlfriend son as “his” son and how they hung out and had a great day together. It stung. It stung for my own son. But it was just a moment - I felt sad for a minute and let it pass.
I am going to take trailmix advice and stop looking - it hurts too much. And it’s not helping me. I am building a better life for myself and my babies. I won’t lose sight over that over some silly post. Probably lies anyways.
Yes, "his" son. When I saw that I immediately saw it as manipulation. His way of wheedling his way in to their lives. Never forget the minute she threw him out (or laid down the law) he bolted and tried to get back in to your good books.
He's so untrustworthy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
100 percent manipulation. He used to refer to my children as “his” kids too. But that changed really quick didn’t it? Plus he doesn’t even take care of his own biological children. He’s a garbage human really. It’s actually laughable when I think about it.
i think it was you who said he was destined to repeat his patters and you nailed right on the head.
he wouldn’t know loyalty or commitment if it smacked him in his head. He is only loyal
to his drugs and needing a place to hang his hat. Pathetic excuse for a man.
it will be hard to stop because it has been a compulsion to do it for months. But it’s holding me back. So it must be done - I am not sure I can do it cold turkey. I may wean myself off of this and try doing it once a week until I don’t feel the need to do it all. Although maybe cold turkey is best. I am not sure.
i think it was you who said he was destined to repeat his patters and you nailed right on the head.
he wouldn’t know loyalty or commitment if it smacked him in his head. He is only loyal
to his drugs and needing a place to hang his hat. Pathetic excuse for a man.
it will be hard to stop because it has been a compulsion to do it for months. But it’s holding me back. So it must be done - I am not sure I can do it cold turkey. I may wean myself off of this and try doing it once a week until I don’t feel the need to do it all. Although maybe cold turkey is best. I am not sure.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I think if you find weaning yourself off to be do-able, then why not?
The longer you stay away (say 4 days, a week, 2 weeks) the more you may, when you do look at it, find that you see it differently.
Doing this kind of thing, and this may not be true for you, looking at fb for example, can be a way of reinforcing what we already know. You know he's a bad person, lacking morals and integrity, a manipulator etc, but when you see things like the 'son' thing, it reinforces that for you and you can relax for a bit, knowing that you know what you know.
So reinforcing that yourself, by dragging out your list and adding to it or just reading it will help with that.
Eventually, at least with pauses inbetween, you may find yourself, if not laughing at what he posts, at least finding it pretty boring.
The longer you stay away (say 4 days, a week, 2 weeks) the more you may, when you do look at it, find that you see it differently.
Doing this kind of thing, and this may not be true for you, looking at fb for example, can be a way of reinforcing what we already know. You know he's a bad person, lacking morals and integrity, a manipulator etc, but when you see things like the 'son' thing, it reinforces that for you and you can relax for a bit, knowing that you know what you know.
So reinforcing that yourself, by dragging out your list and adding to it or just reading it will help with that.
Eventually, at least with pauses inbetween, you may find yourself, if not laughing at what he posts, at least finding it pretty boring.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
It does reinforce that he is a sleaze. My sister referred to him as a predator and I agree with her.
It does help me “know” that I was right. He is drug using, people using slime bag. The two of them can have each other.
on a side note, I did meet a man who is interested in a relationship with me. While he is lovely and kind - I don’t think I am ready. Oddly enough he himself is a recovering addict (in recovery for many years) but this is sort of a scary area for me.
It does help me “know” that I was right. He is drug using, people using slime bag. The two of them can have each other.
on a side note, I did meet a man who is interested in a relationship with me. While he is lovely and kind - I don’t think I am ready. Oddly enough he himself is a recovering addict (in recovery for many years) but this is sort of a scary area for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Hi all,
just popping on to check in and say hi. Life is moving along. I am feeling very stuck as of late and am unsure how to move forward.
i feel stuck in my hurt. And almost obsessive with what he is doing. I am driving myself crazy. He reached out to me and we talked about our divorce. Conversation went fine and was uneventful. He broke up with the girl he left me for and now has a new flavour of the week. Why does this hurt and why does this bother me. He is literally a washed up ugly drug addict. I don’t understand myself. Ugh. Frustration has set in and just feel crappy about myself.
just popping on to check in and say hi. Life is moving along. I am feeling very stuck as of late and am unsure how to move forward.
i feel stuck in my hurt. And almost obsessive with what he is doing. I am driving myself crazy. He reached out to me and we talked about our divorce. Conversation went fine and was uneventful. He broke up with the girl he left me for and now has a new flavour of the week. Why does this hurt and why does this bother me. He is literally a washed up ugly drug addict. I don’t understand myself. Ugh. Frustration has set in and just feel crappy about myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Hi lost, I'm glad you checked in. There could be a number of reasons you feel this way now but, probably, the number one reason is you haven't accepted who he really is.
You know logically he is a "a washed up ugly drug addict" but I doubt that is what you are thinking about when you are feeling hurt?
You may be ruminating on how it was, how he used to be, used to treat you, the nice things he said and may have done, rather than the truth of it now. It's a hard jump to see someone we think we know well, as something/someone else. It's like having two people - the nice person you loved and some guy parading around that looks like the other version.
The truth is, he is actually both. There are good parts to him, he might have a small kind streak in there somewhere, but he is also a drug addict and all that entails. Do you separate the two in your mind?
So if you put the strictly nice guy with some new woman, well that hurts! Maybe he is treating her like he used to be with you. That's where it gets messy and really hurtful.
Granted, he may still have some charm left so he can lure someone in, but that won't last for long. He had the original other woman, broke up, went back to her, left her and now is on to the next. He NEEDS someone, not necessarily wants someone. He is dependant.
What a lot of this can go back to is, this belief that if someone leaves us and finds someone new that we are somehow "less than". Not good enough, pretty enough, sweet enough, understanding enough etc etc. In reality, that's not the truth, what it means is that you two were (and are) incompatible. Perhaps you always were. That doesn't make you less, he's just not the right partner for you.
You know logically he is a "a washed up ugly drug addict" but I doubt that is what you are thinking about when you are feeling hurt?
You may be ruminating on how it was, how he used to be, used to treat you, the nice things he said and may have done, rather than the truth of it now. It's a hard jump to see someone we think we know well, as something/someone else. It's like having two people - the nice person you loved and some guy parading around that looks like the other version.
The truth is, he is actually both. There are good parts to him, he might have a small kind streak in there somewhere, but he is also a drug addict and all that entails. Do you separate the two in your mind?
So if you put the strictly nice guy with some new woman, well that hurts! Maybe he is treating her like he used to be with you. That's where it gets messy and really hurtful.
Granted, he may still have some charm left so he can lure someone in, but that won't last for long. He had the original other woman, broke up, went back to her, left her and now is on to the next. He NEEDS someone, not necessarily wants someone. He is dependant.
What a lot of this can go back to is, this belief that if someone leaves us and finds someone new that we are somehow "less than". Not good enough, pretty enough, sweet enough, understanding enough etc etc. In reality, that's not the truth, what it means is that you two were (and are) incompatible. Perhaps you always were. That doesn't make you less, he's just not the right partner for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
You always hit the nail on the head. I really wish I had your wisdom. I think even our conversation even though it was brief triggered me missing him or the version of him I want to believe in. I feel so lost like I don’t know where I am going. I know it’s a minor setback and I will have to bounce back. I have been struggling. Feeling so much grief for so many thing and it’s crippling me right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I think that's really normal, so don't be too hard on yourself. When you say you "have" to bounce back, it sounds like you are reprimanding yourself, you know?
I know that one well, I'm hard on myself with things like that. If I'm feeling down I'll tell myself to "get a grip"! What do you have to complain about! etc etc. But I do catch myself now and think, it's the way you are feeling, doesn't hurt to examine the - why - but it's also not a negative to have those feelings.
One thing that can help bring you back, perhaps, is gratefulness. If you really look around at all you have. A good job? Great kids? Something you are looking forward to? A warm house and a comfy bed and sofa to watch your favourite tv shows. Food.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by grief with many things, it's a good idea to break them down. Don't let yourself focus on "all" - he left and the car broke down and what will I do about that and how come so and so doesn't talk to me anymore and where are my friends.
Those are all "real" issues, but it's not one big jumble of a mess. When you find yourself sliding there, stop, take some deep breaths, even do something else for 10 minutes, then come back to 1 thing, maybe the easiest to address first. Write things down, how can you get the car fixed, action.
You had a plan, probably, in your head, where your life was going, with him and that is now all gone, no wonder you feel like you don't know where you are going.
So ask yourself, where do you want to go? What are your dreams? Is a relationship soon something you want? If so, you can start working on what you need in a relationship by writing it down. How do you get to where you want to be, do you need to work on some issues, boundaries?
I know that one well, I'm hard on myself with things like that. If I'm feeling down I'll tell myself to "get a grip"! What do you have to complain about! etc etc. But I do catch myself now and think, it's the way you are feeling, doesn't hurt to examine the - why - but it's also not a negative to have those feelings.
One thing that can help bring you back, perhaps, is gratefulness. If you really look around at all you have. A good job? Great kids? Something you are looking forward to? A warm house and a comfy bed and sofa to watch your favourite tv shows. Food.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by grief with many things, it's a good idea to break them down. Don't let yourself focus on "all" - he left and the car broke down and what will I do about that and how come so and so doesn't talk to me anymore and where are my friends.
Those are all "real" issues, but it's not one big jumble of a mess. When you find yourself sliding there, stop, take some deep breaths, even do something else for 10 minutes, then come back to 1 thing, maybe the easiest to address first. Write things down, how can you get the car fixed, action.
You had a plan, probably, in your head, where your life was going, with him and that is now all gone, no wonder you feel like you don't know where you are going.
So ask yourself, where do you want to go? What are your dreams? Is a relationship soon something you want? If so, you can start working on what you need in a relationship by writing it down. How do you get to where you want to be, do you need to work on some issues, boundaries?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
I don’t even know where I want to go at this point. I am feeling sorry for myself.
I am feeling grief about so many things lately. Not just this. I feel like I am becoming aware my children are getting older and don’t need me as much. My relationship with my son is not in a good place. I am trying to work on it but am struggling in this department. I am a fixer and I don’t know how to fix this.
I am feeling grief about so many things lately. Not just this. I feel like I am becoming aware my children are getting older and don’t need me as much. My relationship with my son is not in a good place. I am trying to work on it but am struggling in this department. I am a fixer and I don’t know how to fix this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
That is tough, especially where you feel like you can't really reach your Son. Son are tough lol
It's funny, kids flex their independence and push away from parents and yet they don't really want you to go too far. Do you have any family members nearby at all? Sometimes extended family can help to bridge that gap. I hear what you're saying though, just that sometimes we can't fix that, it is something that will work its way out, just stay close. I don't know if he's just distancing or actually getting himself in to trouble, that's different of course.
It kind of sounds like you are at a loose end? I think when you don't know what to do sometimes it's a good idea to just try things. Maybe start small, a pottery night, you might have talent you aren't aware of! Perhaps you have to look for what brings you joy and passion and interest.
Maybe you have talents that have gone by the wayside when you were busy being a Mother to small kids/working. You can revisit those interests. I'm not talking about just keeping yourself occupied or busy, more about finding real things that bring you real contentment, that you look forward to doing.
Another thing to look at is things you have always wanted to do, travel somewhere in particular or in general? Right now you probably don't have anything that you are actually looking forward to. What could that be?
Do you think you are depressed?
It's funny, kids flex their independence and push away from parents and yet they don't really want you to go too far. Do you have any family members nearby at all? Sometimes extended family can help to bridge that gap. I hear what you're saying though, just that sometimes we can't fix that, it is something that will work its way out, just stay close. I don't know if he's just distancing or actually getting himself in to trouble, that's different of course.
It kind of sounds like you are at a loose end? I think when you don't know what to do sometimes it's a good idea to just try things. Maybe start small, a pottery night, you might have talent you aren't aware of! Perhaps you have to look for what brings you joy and passion and interest.
Maybe you have talents that have gone by the wayside when you were busy being a Mother to small kids/working. You can revisit those interests. I'm not talking about just keeping yourself occupied or busy, more about finding real things that bring you real contentment, that you look forward to doing.
Another thing to look at is things you have always wanted to do, travel somewhere in particular or in general? Right now you probably don't have anything that you are actually looking forward to. What could that be?
Do you think you are depressed?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
You know asking "are you depressed" might seem a bit - silly - but I mean depression, which you probably know.
There is help for that. I hope if you are feeling deep despair that you will reach out for that help. There are many things you can do to move onward and upward but when you are depressed it's pretty difficult to muster the will to bother to do any of that.
I'm absolutely not saying you need to be drugged or any of that, but therapy, grief support groups, maybe medication even temporarily. You are worth that effort lost. One or all of these things might have you feeling so much better than you do now and help you to see that way forward.
There is help for that. I hope if you are feeling deep despair that you will reach out for that help. There are many things you can do to move onward and upward but when you are depressed it's pretty difficult to muster the will to bother to do any of that.
I'm absolutely not saying you need to be drugged or any of that, but therapy, grief support groups, maybe medication even temporarily. You are worth that effort lost. One or all of these things might have you feeling so much better than you do now and help you to see that way forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
So much good advice. I am trying to be grateful for all the beautiful things I have and I am grateful. I am experiencing some low level depression I think. I have joined a gym and a little mini vacation with my children. I do have things to look forward too which feels nice. I am just going to keep trudging. He did reach out to me again - he has a new girlfriend but I think she is a drug user and i am more beneficial and attractive option so to speak. I am not interested and it hurts me when he reaches out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Every time he contacts you it does set you back. Perhaps not for long, but it does send the healing your doing back. Is it worth it?
Are you anywhere near ready to block him completely? Do you ever feel anger about all of it?
I was thinking about the gratefulness that I mentioned. I don't want you to think that I believe you aren't! I don't. I just think that sometimes when we are feeling lost or down or like we aren't making progress it helps to pause, right on the spot and run through those things, for ourselves. Because the truth is, you aren't really lost, you are making a difference every day, to yourself, to your kids, to the world around you.
I joined a gym, not long after I had my Son. The first time I went I was in so much pain I never went back (too soon to be out there apparently). A while later I joined a dance/fitness class. Class one I was so wiped out at the end I literally could barely walk, but didn't want anyone to know that so I staggered away gracefully (never went back). Several years later I joined another gym, I went once and a week later they shut down and kept my money. So now I just go walking lol
Anyway, I'm glad YOU have joined a gym if that's something you enjoy and that you had a mini vacation. You are making new memories and they will replace memories of him over time. Something as simple as going to the store and shopping just for you and the kids.
Are you anywhere near ready to block him completely? Do you ever feel anger about all of it?
I was thinking about the gratefulness that I mentioned. I don't want you to think that I believe you aren't! I don't. I just think that sometimes when we are feeling lost or down or like we aren't making progress it helps to pause, right on the spot and run through those things, for ourselves. Because the truth is, you aren't really lost, you are making a difference every day, to yourself, to your kids, to the world around you.
I joined a gym, not long after I had my Son. The first time I went I was in so much pain I never went back (too soon to be out there apparently). A while later I joined a dance/fitness class. Class one I was so wiped out at the end I literally could barely walk, but didn't want anyone to know that so I staggered away gracefully (never went back). Several years later I joined another gym, I went once and a week later they shut down and kept my money. So now I just go walking lol
Anyway, I'm glad YOU have joined a gym if that's something you enjoy and that you had a mini vacation. You are making new memories and they will replace memories of him over time. Something as simple as going to the store and shopping just for you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
You are right, I am a glutton for punishment it seems. It does set me back and I do need to go no contact. He told me he was still using and that he was in too deep to stop or walk away. I got the sense he is depressed and struggling but not prepared to make the changes he needs. Not my circus and not my monkeys. But it makes me sad
I know it’s not mine to carry but it still pains me. I will never understand giving up the beautiful life that you had and could have had to live like that. It’s depressing frankly. My codependent in me wants to help people and save him but I can’t. I have to save myself this time.
I tried listening to a podcast about grief and I had to shut it off as I was uncontrollably sobbing about two minutes in. However, the short bit I heard gave me some wonderful perspective and while I don’t think I will be able to finish it - the small bit I heard was helpful.
I know it’s not mine to carry but it still pains me. I will never understand giving up the beautiful life that you had and could have had to live like that. It’s depressing frankly. My codependent in me wants to help people and save him but I can’t. I have to save myself this time.
I tried listening to a podcast about grief and I had to shut it off as I was uncontrollably sobbing about two minutes in. However, the short bit I heard gave me some wonderful perspective and while I don’t think I will be able to finish it - the small bit I heard was helpful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Well addiction is depressing I'm sure. There is no such thing as a happy addict. That doesn't mean he will ever stop.
Yes working on that will probably be key as well. You can't make him stop, you never could. Thinking that you can is painful, because you probably believe it even though, logically, from what you have heard and read, you know it's not possible.
As long as you hold on to a shred of thinking you can control this situation, it's going to hurt.
The first step at Alcoholics Anonymous is:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
He is powerless, that demand from his brain over-rides everything. Asking him to stop is like asking him to cut off his arm. He may know it's "better" logically, but his brain wants the drug now, now, now.
It has changed the way he thinks. So if you ever find yourself thinking you can understand how or if he could only see or if you could just phrase something in a different way this time so he could see, you can't, because he doesn't think like you do.
How could you ever control that when he can't. That's why it has to be up to the person, because it is that hard.
My codependent in me wants to help people and save him but I can’t.
As long as you hold on to a shred of thinking you can control this situation, it's going to hurt.
The first step at Alcoholics Anonymous is:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
He is powerless, that demand from his brain over-rides everything. Asking him to stop is like asking him to cut off his arm. He may know it's "better" logically, but his brain wants the drug now, now, now.
It has changed the way he thinks. So if you ever find yourself thinking you can understand how or if he could only see or if you could just phrase something in a different way this time so he could see, you can't, because he doesn't think like you do.
How could you ever control that when he can't. That's why it has to be up to the person, because it is that hard.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Very good advice and perspective as always. I took a big step today and blocked him on everything. I am going to hold strong and not unblock him this time. It’s hurting me too much. I can’t move forward if I am holding on. I need to just know what I know. I can’t keep looking and wondering what he is doing it is not conducive to healing and moving forward. I need to focus on my goals and my life. It’s going to be hard. I have been without him now for 6 months but I have been thinking and checking his profiles daily (multiple times a day if I am being honest). It’s time to stop. Deep breaths but I am moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
I'm glad. It's going to hurt at first maybe. I found, with one breakup I had, at least there was still some connection (even though I had asked him for no contact at that point).
I guess I was hoping to defer the pain, but that didn't work when every glance at his FB or other ridiculousness he posted was A. So weird B. Not actually "him" (because he had lot of problems) and C. For me to see.
i do believe he posted many things just to irritate me, because that's the kind of guy he was. So I had to ask myself, wth am I doing? So I stopped.
It got easier, as things do, I think it took a couple of weeks before I stopped even thinking about it. I would have to remind myself why I wasn't doing that. Even if that means playing the tape forward, so if you do look, then what? Doesn't change anything, might make you feel bad, never better.
Distraction from those thoughts helps too I think, jump up if you are at your computer pondering doing that. Do anything, look outside, get a snack, walk up and down the stairs once (if you have stairs!), anything. I found that helped a lot for cutting that off and just in general with intrusive thoughts, it kind of breaks that thought pattern.
You can do this, it will, ultimately, make you feel better.
I guess I was hoping to defer the pain, but that didn't work when every glance at his FB or other ridiculousness he posted was A. So weird B. Not actually "him" (because he had lot of problems) and C. For me to see.
i do believe he posted many things just to irritate me, because that's the kind of guy he was. So I had to ask myself, wth am I doing? So I stopped.
It got easier, as things do, I think it took a couple of weeks before I stopped even thinking about it. I would have to remind myself why I wasn't doing that. Even if that means playing the tape forward, so if you do look, then what? Doesn't change anything, might make you feel bad, never better.
Distraction from those thoughts helps too I think, jump up if you are at your computer pondering doing that. Do anything, look outside, get a snack, walk up and down the stairs once (if you have stairs!), anything. I found that helped a lot for cutting that off and just in general with intrusive thoughts, it kind of breaks that thought pattern.
You can do this, it will, ultimately, make you feel better.
❤️
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
