Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.
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Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.
I posted another thread about being dumped, for lack of a better word, by someone I highly suspected was and A. Instead of re-hashing, I wanted to share something I learned.
I went to therapy last night to process the entire thing. I gave her all the details (I could not cover all in the last thread) and we walked through my behaviors and his reactions to them. Then we talked about how I felt about everything. I have read all the Toby Rice Drews books, so being rejected by the reject is a saying I am familiar with. She gave me a new way to think about it.
She feels that many of his actions were an attempt to manipulate me and get me in line, so to speak. She said instead of focusing on the fact that he ultimately ended things, I should think of this as something that was empowering to me. She said through my actions that it became obvious to him that there was no way he was going to be able to manipulate me. The game isn't any fun for him if I wasn't willing to play, so he moved on. In essence, she was saying the quick ending was the result of my own actions because they were healthy and not co-dependent.
I thought this was great information to have! I know a lot of us on this board have struggled with this in the past when we became more healthy and ended up feeling very bad about being left by someone who wasn't worth having anyway.
Hope this helps!
I went to therapy last night to process the entire thing. I gave her all the details (I could not cover all in the last thread) and we walked through my behaviors and his reactions to them. Then we talked about how I felt about everything. I have read all the Toby Rice Drews books, so being rejected by the reject is a saying I am familiar with. She gave me a new way to think about it.
She feels that many of his actions were an attempt to manipulate me and get me in line, so to speak. She said instead of focusing on the fact that he ultimately ended things, I should think of this as something that was empowering to me. She said through my actions that it became obvious to him that there was no way he was going to be able to manipulate me. The game isn't any fun for him if I wasn't willing to play, so he moved on. In essence, she was saying the quick ending was the result of my own actions because they were healthy and not co-dependent.
I thought this was great information to have! I know a lot of us on this board have struggled with this in the past when we became more healthy and ended up feeling very bad about being left by someone who wasn't worth having anyway.
Hope this helps!
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Wow, that's great NYC. I like that imagery of not being "palatable to a reject" too, catlover....I immediately thought, "Well, yeah, and you can't chew up a diamond either....does that mean there's something wrong with the diamond?" Thanks so much for this conversation!!
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Thanks for this. I too felt rejected by the reject. That combined with childhood abandonment issues HURT like hell. I like looking at it from the angle of yes, I empowered myself and he couldn't/wouldn't deal with it.
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Wow!! thanks for sharing. Yeahh, I like that therapist too!!
Another little nugget on the topic of rejection - when I talked about how rejected, unwelcome F made me feel, my therapist told me I ALSO rejected F. I rejected his friends. I rejected the places he likes to visit. I rejected his lifestyle.
So, with only one comment she took me out of the "victim" and made me see the rejection was mutual.
I recall going to a bar famous for its chicken wings, full of war paraphernalia.
I am a vegetarian and a pacifist!! LOL And they ONLY serve beers, which I do not like either... WTF?
Now I wake up at 6AM to take my green tea and do yoga. I am much happier, healthier now
Thanks NYC!!
Another little nugget on the topic of rejection - when I talked about how rejected, unwelcome F made me feel, my therapist told me I ALSO rejected F. I rejected his friends. I rejected the places he likes to visit. I rejected his lifestyle.
So, with only one comment she took me out of the "victim" and made me see the rejection was mutual.
I recall going to a bar famous for its chicken wings, full of war paraphernalia.
I am a vegetarian and a pacifist!! LOL And they ONLY serve beers, which I do not like either... WTF?
Now I wake up at 6AM to take my green tea and do yoga. I am much happier, healthier now
Thanks NYC!!
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Might work on several different levels. Can remember the ex on many occasions complaining that I dumped her. Apparently it was important for her to be the dumper, rather than the dumpee, can only guess that would be even more important to a typical male ego.
To console the ex, I would explain that her behavior was so egregious that she was always, in effect, dumping me, but I don't think she got it.
To console the ex, I would explain that her behavior was so egregious that she was always, in effect, dumping me, but I don't think she got it.
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Originally Posted by Dreamer999 
Another little nugget on the topic of rejection - when I talked about how rejected, unwelcome F made me feel, my therapist told me I ALSO rejected F. I rejected his friends. I rejected the places he likes to visit. I rejected his lifestyle.
rejection has such a victim consciousness associated with it, as you said, because it implies one person having more power over the situation than the other.
but, it is actually the exercising of discernment. wisdom. conscious choosing.growth.
When I say "no" it comes from a greater "yes".
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I have a program friend who like to say:
"Rejection is God's Protection."
Seems to be true much more often than not.....And another thing that I always like to remember in connection with this stuff is: "Consider the source!" Seriously, there are plenty of people out there whose acceptance and/or approval, far from saying anything positive about me, would more likely be a good indication that I was somehow selling myself out and/or engaging in behavior that violates my values.
freya
"Rejection is God's Protection."
Seems to be true much more often than not.....And another thing that I always like to remember in connection with this stuff is: "Consider the source!" Seriously, there are plenty of people out there whose acceptance and/or approval, far from saying anything positive about me, would more likely be a good indication that I was somehow selling myself out and/or engaging in behavior that violates my values.
freya
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Thanks for bringing this up!
I've gotten that horrible feeling of rejection before from my ABF when he's announced he plans to pursue a job far away whether I want to move with him or not or when he's made comments about being better off without me and all the pets to burden him.
I had been telling myself that, sad or not, it would be a good thing and leave me off the hook in trying to leave him, BUT the rejection and hurt feelings remain.
I had never thought that it was my detachment and my moving forward emotionally that may be causing him to feel threatened and attempt to manipulate me in some way or feel rejected and want to leave me.
Thinking of it in those terms does give me a sense of peace in a way. That it's really my healthy choices and HP's plan at work here.
The wheels are just turnin' now...
Alice
I've gotten that horrible feeling of rejection before from my ABF when he's announced he plans to pursue a job far away whether I want to move with him or not or when he's made comments about being better off without me and all the pets to burden him.
I had been telling myself that, sad or not, it would be a good thing and leave me off the hook in trying to leave him, BUT the rejection and hurt feelings remain.
I had never thought that it was my detachment and my moving forward emotionally that may be causing him to feel threatened and attempt to manipulate me in some way or feel rejected and want to leave me.
Thinking of it in those terms does give me a sense of peace in a way. That it's really my healthy choices and HP's plan at work here.
The wheels are just turnin' now...
Alice
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It's very common, addicts always threatening to leave, always questioning the relationship, always distracting us from THEIR ADDICTION with subtle or blatant threats to dump us, which takes the attention off the REAL problem and makes us reactive and clinging and insecure.
It is a brilliant tactic. It keeps a lot of people trapped for a long time. And it puffs the addict up to magnificent proportion. And with addicts, it's all about the ego. Puff puff puff.
It is a brilliant tactic. It keeps a lot of people trapped for a long time. And it puffs the addict up to magnificent proportion. And with addicts, it's all about the ego. Puff puff puff.
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I don't know if this fits in here, but I think that I did that.
When the ex would drink, I would remind him that I couldn't stand it and would leave if he didn't stop. Then we would discuss programs and he would tell me that "he would never drink again....blah blah blah."
He proposed to me many times and I would always say that I couldn't wear the ring until he maintained sobriety for x number of months. I loved him and wanted us to be married, but I flat out told him that (because I don't want a divorce) if he drank when we were married, I would leave him. I accepted many things and always tried to talk about emotions and measures of fufillment.
I hope that I didn't come off like the threatening person....
When the ex would drink, I would remind him that I couldn't stand it and would leave if he didn't stop. Then we would discuss programs and he would tell me that "he would never drink again....blah blah blah."
He proposed to me many times and I would always say that I couldn't wear the ring until he maintained sobriety for x number of months. I loved him and wanted us to be married, but I flat out told him that (because I don't want a divorce) if he drank when we were married, I would leave him. I accepted many things and always tried to talk about emotions and measures of fufillment.
I hope that I didn't come off like the threatening person....
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We all give ultimatums to the addicts that we will have to leave if the drinking/drugging doesn't stop. What we are saying is that we are no longer willing to experience emotional abandonment and abuse in what is supposed to be a loving relationship.
But when the addict tell us he is going to leave US if WE do not straighten up and fly right, he does it not because he is being emotionally abused or abandoned by us. He is doing it to exert control so his abandoning and abusing can continue.
But when the addict tell us he is going to leave US if WE do not straighten up and fly right, he does it not because he is being emotionally abused or abandoned by us. He is doing it to exert control so his abandoning and abusing can continue.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
I don't know if this fits in here, but I think that I did that.
When the ex would drink, I would remind him that I couldn't stand it and would leave if he didn't stop. Then we would discuss programs and he would tell me that "he would never drink again....blah blah blah."
He proposed to me many times and I would always say that I couldn't wear the ring until he maintained sobriety for x number of months. I loved him and wanted us to be married, but I flat out told him that (because I don't want a divorce) if he drank when we were married, I would leave him. I accepted many things and always tried to talk about emotions and measures of fufillment.
I hope that I didn't come off like the threatening person....
When the ex would drink, I would remind him that I couldn't stand it and would leave if he didn't stop. Then we would discuss programs and he would tell me that "he would never drink again....blah blah blah."
He proposed to me many times and I would always say that I couldn't wear the ring until he maintained sobriety for x number of months. I loved him and wanted us to be married, but I flat out told him that (because I don't want a divorce) if he drank when we were married, I would leave him. I accepted many things and always tried to talk about emotions and measures of fufillment.
I hope that I didn't come off like the threatening person....
You were not rejecting him because you were mean. As far as I can see, you were rejecting him in this way because you decided you were worth more than he was giving you. What is unhealthy about that?
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Interesting thoughts on rejection. My STXAH can tell now that I have changed and will not be "getting back in line" and cannot be manipulated like I used to be. He has stopped calling me as much and doesn't tell me he loves me (with sad eyes) or try to kiss me like he used to as I used to always fall for that "act" as he was seeing other women and meeting them at the bar and spending the night at their homes the whole time he told me he loved me and couldn't live without me (yeah, I was a terrific enabler). I believe that he has a steady girlfriend now (gone all weekend and doesn't see the kids hardly at all - says he cares but actions speak louder then words) and he's done with me. It does hurt in a way because all of my hopes and dreams for our marriage (all illusions) are dead and buried, but I know I will heal.
He had told me many times that I was his anchor or I he had a ring through his nose that I led him around with. Well, now I realize that the opposite is true: He was my anchor and knew what buttons to push and what to say to "keep me in line" and led me around. I guess I'm disposible to him now that I am truely myself and not the puppet he wants me to be.
He had told me many times that I was his anchor or I he had a ring through his nose that I led him around with. Well, now I realize that the opposite is true: He was my anchor and knew what buttons to push and what to say to "keep me in line" and led me around. I guess I'm disposible to him now that I am truely myself and not the puppet he wants me to be.
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I had to reread this thread today. I am very down. Just found out my exh is involved with a married woman who is blowing up her family and he is also on AdultFriendFinder.com.
What the hell was so wrong about his life and family here?
What the hell was so wrong about his life and family here?
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Evidently, his life with you didn't have enough high drama, dishonesty, cheating, and enabling. I so look forward to the day, startingover, when you view these kinds of things with relief ("oh, thank god I'm not stuck with a godawful man like that any more") instead of pain. This is who he is. You are simply a better person, and chose not to wallow in his pigsty any more.
Reread this thread. And reread it, and reread it, until you could recite it from memory.
It will set you free.
Hugs to you
Reread this thread. And reread it, and reread it, until you could recite it from memory.
It will set you free.
Hugs to you
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Evidently, his life with you didn't have enough high drama, dishonesty, cheating, and enabling. I so look forward to the day, startingover, when you view these kinds of things with relief ("oh, thank god I'm not stuck with a godawful man like that any more") instead of pain. This is who he is. You are simply a better person, and chose not to wallow in his pigsty any more.
Reread this thread. And reread it, and reread it, until you could recite it from memory.
It will set you free.
Hugs to you
Reread this thread. And reread it, and reread it, until you could recite it from memory.
It will set you free.
Hugs to you
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