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Old 01-26-2020, 06:27 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Question about drug testing


I'm new to the forum. My husband is a prescription opiate addict, and he purchases the pills -- has never had a prescription that I know of. He has said for several weeks that he's trying to stop, and he's given me a date by which he will be clean -- Feb 1.

The problem, of course, is that while he's "working on it," he's still taking the pills. I want him to take a drug test now to make sure the one I bought from Amazon works. I will also want him to take a drug test in the future, as he's repeatedly lied about his drug use.

My question: is it unreasonable or a bad idea to ask him to take a drug test?

He's left the last two nights (for the first time ever) because he refuses to take a test. Last night when he left, he'd consumed more than a bottle of wine, and I don't know what else he might have had.

When he's home, he's angry and mean, though never physically threatening.

I'm working on dealing with my anger and loneliness. I went to my first Al Anon meeting last week, and I plan to go again this week, but my husband has the car we're sharing since mine is in the shop.

I just need to know if I'm out of my lane in asking him to take the drug test.

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Old 01-26-2020, 08:47 AM   #2 (permalink)

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Buying prescription opiate pills from drug dealers is very expensive. I would keep a close watch on your bank accounts.

Also buying these drugs from dealers don't know what they are really being made from. They may look the same but many times they are not being made to the same standards as the pharmaceutical companies.

Due to the high expense of these pills off the streets its why so many once addicted move to much cheaper heroin.

If hes addicted to these pills chances are slim to none that he can stop on his own or as he says "working on it". It doesn't work that way.

Drug testing him wont stop it either. You already know he has a major problem.

Going to meetings & educating yourself is the right thing to do for you.
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Old 01-26-2020, 10:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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even if he agreed to testing after a period of supposed clean time and the test came up dirty, he is almost guaranteed to DENY the results. test is faulty, walked past a poppy field, ate a poppy seed bagel.....partner to partner testing is rarely a successful, recovery building tool. it makes YOU the drug police.

any recovery that does not begin in the NOW but is instead put off for some future date is still active addiction. the more he takes, the more he feeds the beast.

so what happened when you brought up testing? he left. and i don't think he was returning library books. that he buys street drugs, he has contacts out there, and that involves all kinds of nefarious activities and players. in other words - bad news.

this is not something you can fix or change.
you didn't cause it.
you can't control it.
you can't cure it.

you CAN accept what IS. your husband is a drug addict. who is not quitting, regardless of what you say or want. he is taking the sole family car out on drug buys, where anything can happen. it's serious stuff. like it or not, he's also a criminal that just hasn't been caught yet.

you can circle his quit date on the calendar and then see what happens. assuming he misses that date - you then need to consider your options.
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Old 01-26-2020, 10:30 AM   #4 (permalink)

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Thanks for sharing your perspectives.

I think the chances of his quitting on his own are slim to none, and I suspect he'll resist getting any kind of help. I just don't know what to do. When he's home, he's either quiet and distant and acts like there's nothing wrong, or he's hostile and mean if there's the slightest problem or if I try to talk to him.

I'm working on me. I'm just so angry at him for withdrawing from our lives and leaving me with no car and no idea what he's doing.

I don't want to live with him when he's this way. The trouble is that he's spending money we need on drugs and now hotel rooms.

I guess I need to find a way to make more money so I have more independence. It's hard to focus on anything except how screwed up everything is.
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Old 01-27-2020, 06:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi nitwit, as you've worked out, he's nowhere near recovery so I wouldn't worry too much about the drug tests. You're going to know he's still using, and he's going to deny it, but you know what you know, and arguing is futile.

I'm wondering what your domestic situation is at the moment. Do you have dependents, a job, joint accounts?

I suggest you keep looking after your mental welfare by detaching as much as possible, but at the same time securing your finances and making sure he isn't getting you into debt, say via a credit card. If you have children this becomes especially urgent. There have been many people on this board who have left only to find their spouse has run up huge debts which they are responsible for as well. There is also liability if he's in an accident from drug driving.

Have a think about what you need to become independent if necessary.
"I was looking for the key for years....but the door was always open."
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Old 01-27-2020, 06:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Honestly? I would lawyer-up. Today.
The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.
~ Isak Dinesen
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Old 01-29-2020, 07:02 AM   #7 (permalink)

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Thanks for the input, even though I don't want to believe things will get that bad. I guess nobody believes it will be that bad until it happens to them.

Our domestic situation: We don't have kids together. My two are adults and out of the house. One of his is an adult and the other is a senior in high school; neither lives with us or visits. He has dinner with his kids several times a month. We both work, though he makes much more than I do. I can change that, and I need to start working on making more money.

We talked a couple of nights ago, and he's still using. Just a tiny amount, according to him, but he hasn't stopped. I should have my car repaired by the end of this week, and even though it's going to be inconvenient, I'm going to close my bank account that he has access to and open another in my name only. I don't have access to his account, so I have no idea what's going on there. He deals in cash a lot. Wow...that's probably a red flag, isn't it?

Dealing with our mutual friends and deciding how much to tell them is difficult. He wants to come home, but he's not willing to make any changes, get help, or even tell me what's going on.

I've given up the drug test request for now. I think I was trying to control a situation that I can't control.

Mostly, I'm just sad.
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