Troubledone

So my addict (niece who has lived with me off and on for 15 years of addiction/mental illness journey) is doing better on meds and after 6 months in rehab.

Then she moved in with the marijuana smoking, PTSD unemployed unstable boyfriend (who also has a very casual relationship with reality and truth). They start fighting, she gets kicked out because she wasn't supposed to be living there anyway and then he gets evicted because she called the cops on the boyfriend (when fighting) numerous times and a friend of his (meth dealer) burglarized his apartment and broke the key off in the lock after they kicked him out (he wasn't supposed to be living there either).

So she's back with me again - but this time I am working with her case manager to find an apartment or group home for her and since I am in direct contact with the caseworker, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. She has also been unusually respectful of me and it hasn't been horrible.

The problem: the boyfriend's last day in his apartment since he's getting evicted is Thursday. It's about 10 degrees outside and a lot of snow. Homeless shelters are all full and my niece wants me to let this guy stay in our home.

Of course I said no.

This guy has had 3 weeks to figure things out and either he's completely spaced out or dumb as a stump, because even though he has a housing voucher, a case worker of his own, put in applications for 7 apartments (or so he says), has been working with a therapist, a veteran's counselor and heaven knows what else, he has not been able to find a place to live.

My niece just sold a boat for $750 she's had in storage for 2 years and he supposedly has a vintage comic book worth $10,000 - but for some reason she doesn't want to spend money to put him in an air B & B until he can sell the comic book to bridge himself into a new place. They think the smart move is to sleep outside in the cold.

Well, I'm not sure that's true, I think they are saying that to tug on my heart strings so I'll let him sleep here.

However, the three weeks they lived together was fighting, hospital stays (mental illness for him), something about he has pancreatic cancer (I don't even know if that is true...) all this drama culminating in them getting kicked out. So, I think the relationship is stupid and I don't want that kind of drama in my house.

So, I know all this - but if anyone has anything to say that might help me feel a little better about this boundary I've set, I'd be grateful.

I do feel horrible that anyone has to face being homeless in the snow.

By the way, if she had never moved in with him and moved to a group home like her caseworker suggested, none of this would be a problem. I find it amazing that two people can be so collectively stupid. And, while I feel a small bit of responsibility to her mother to take her in temporarily, it just doesn't feel safe to have this guy in my house (and my husband wouldn't stand for it for a second anyway).

I am guessing they'll figure out something. Interestingly, my niece's therapist suggested she join him sleeping on the streets to be in solidarity with him. I don't know if she said that to be provocative or if she's nuts...

By the way, this is the fourth guy I'v rescued her from over the past 10 years. I told her that next time, ask someone else to take her in when she violently ends the next dysfunctional relationship. I've had more than my number of "turns" because she keeps dating the same guy (profile), they just all have different names.

Comments and input welcome. Thanks

trailmix

Wow! Well I think it's very generous of you to have your niece back with you for the time being.

I would be amazed if your niece's therapist actually said that to her.

I don't know where you live but where I live no one would be turned away from a homeless shelter in weather like that, even if it's standing room only, so I would also question that story. It all sounds like a bunch of manipulative tactics.

But regardless, having him come and stay would be a recipe for disaster. First and foremost, you need to protect yourself.

However, if you are feeling at all guilty just remember, you also need to protect your house-guest. If it were anyone else in the world staying with you, your sibling, your Aunt your neighbour, would you have him come to stay?

There is a book called Co-dependant no more, by Melody Beattie, if you haven't read it already it is often recommended in the Friends and Family forum.

OpheliaKatz

My niece just sold a boat for $750 she's had in storage for 2 years and he supposedly has a vintage comic book worth $10,000 - but for some reason she doesn't want to spend money to put him in an air B & B until he can sell the comic book to bridge himself into a new place. They think the smart move is to sleep outside in the cold.

So air B&B not good enough for them? It's your place or no place? Umm... no. She's been with you before. I guess the boyfriend thinks that you can "enable" two for the price of one. I don't buy the line that he has nowhere to go.

They were toxic together. So now they want to be toxic together in YOUR home. They should be apart... after all that drama. Trust your gut. Also, you have no idea if they are telling the truth 100% of the time.

(who also has a very casual relationship with reality and truth)

You don't want this sort of house guest.

Troubledone

trailmix and OpheliaKatz..

thank you! that is just the kind of clear headed input I was looking for.

No, I would not let him come stay if I had any other house guest (or none)-- and it is enlightening to realize they say they'd rather be sleeping in the cold than go to an air B & B.

I guess I also thought this morning (after a good night's sleep) that my niece has the resources to solve this, she just doesn't want to spend her money.

If she wants to marry this guy (they had planned to marry 2/22 except they were fighting too much to make it to the courthouse), then they better get used to helping each other out because they both have their fair share of dysfunction.

They are both in their late 30's and my 18 year old nephew who dropped out of school is doing better than either one of them. Time to grow up.

Thanks again for your comments - It helps me a lot!

OpheliaKatz

Marriage is an agreement between two ADULTS (sorry for shouting, I'm cranky). They need to grow up first. However, as they are chronologically in their 30s (and still abusing substances), you can't do anything about that choice... except maybe not give them expensive wedding gifts... or more money in any way, shape, or form. I say, "nay" to marriage between two people who don't have their **** together because I regret marrying my exAH who was mentally 13 years old but chronologically in his 30s. Must be worse if it's two substance abusers together cause they will both be addicts and codies at the same time. So complicated.

hopeful4

Here is the thing. If she is going to continue her relationship with these unstable people, she will be as unstable as they are, as shown by her choices. It's her choice to spend, or not spend, her money. It's your choice not to be manipulated, and that's a great choice!

Of course you should not let this toxic mess of a person into your home. That is your safe place, and letting him in would be unsafe and cause problems at your own home, which you don't need.

You are not responsible to your niece, or to this man. She has resources, so does he. They have caseworkers they can reach out to. If they do so, or not, is their choice.

Huge hugs.

Troubledone

amen!

and, the only way anyone ever grows up is to work through the negative consequences of their own choices (me included :-)) .

So, I am going to go on with my day and my life and see what my HP has in store for this situation.

Thanks for the support!

AnvilheadII

they both have options and support systems at their avail at this very moment in time. so many struggling addicts do not. that they refuse to accept the help so freely offered is downright selfish and disrespectful. IMHO they should step aside and let someone who actually WANTS help get the chance.

atalose

Always trust your gut instinct!

Shelters don’t turn people away in those conditions.

Sounds like she is in her disease with some stinking thinking, manipulation, selfish stuff going on.

Be prepared for her to up all of that crap even more. With giant big pulls on your heart strings.

Troubledone

well, today she asks me if he can use our address for applications for apartments.

I looked it up - if a person allows someone to use their address and their intent is fraud, said person could be sued for fraud themselves.

While it seems "innocent", I said no because I don't know if they want to use this address to influence potential landlords or not (we live in a nice neighborhood and using our address could make him look more stable than he is).

So, yes, the pressure is staying on.

I admit that it has been a little hard. I work from a home office and having my niece floating around the house while she is on the phone with this guy trying to figure this out is a little odd. Just waiting for the next stupid request.

It just does not make sense. She has enough money and a storage unit to put the guy in a cheap hotel, move his stuff to her storage unit and let him pay her back when he sells this so called valuable comic book (of course, that assumes everyone is telling the truth - hmmmm). Why not just cut to the chase and do that.

They are putzing around - he must be out by tomorrow, she has a meeting with her tax person (hasn't filed taxes in 2 years and hopes to get a refund and buy a car), and instead of doing some of this stuff today, they keep spinning their wheels.

Oh, one other wrinkle. She went to look for an apartment (she has a section 8 voucher). If she passes the background check (she's ok if they only go back 7 years, but 10 years ago she committed some big felonies), she might be getting her own place in a few days (fingers crossed). Her plan is to let him move in with her if that occurs.

So, maybe a light at the end of the tunnel, or just another chapter in the never ending drama. If this happens, at least it won't be in my house.

Thanks to all for your support!

SadDad57

Addicts don't have $10,000 comic books unless they just stole it and the pawn shop wouldn't take.

Ann

This! My son stole a Wayne Gretsky rookie hockey card from one of his girlfriend's sons years ago. He stole it to sell it, not to keep it while it appreciates in value.

You are very wise to stick to your boundaries. It occurs to me that if your niece can afford to put him up in an air B & B, could she not put herself up somewhere besides your place?

I truly understand your pain, I let my son come home far too many times and it never once worked out well. It would have been even harder with a girl.

Something I tried to remember at times like this is that there are many good solutions for them, even at their worst moments...detox, shelters, free rehabs at Salvation Army, and other social safety nets...and none of the good choices are "US".

Keeping your niece in my prayers, and you too, this is a difficult time for both of you,

GreenChair

Stay strong - you're dealing with a master manipulator.

The $10K comic book: no.

I think it's good you work from home. If you were out at an office all day long, guess who'd be in your house, with your niece?

tomsteve

soooooo- her therapist is a crackhead and rescueing has only made it so you need to rescue yourself as it really hasnt rescued her from anything.

no!!
is a complete sentence.
so called BF got himself into his jamb and if he wants he can get himself out. people rescueing him has helped dig his grave.
people rescueing the niece has helped dig her grave,too.

the old saying,"i love them to death...."
people do that when they are enabling- theyre literally loving their loved one to death.
let em go, let em want help, find help, work the help,then love them to life.

Troubledone

Well, another lesson learned for me.

Turns out miraculously the BF can stay at a friends house until he finds a place. What a colossal drama meant to manipulate me. Gee, I'm glad I didn't fall for it.

Of course, now my niece is a little cold to me. This didn't work out the way she wanted it to and she still may have to pay for a cheap hotel if he doesn't find a place before the friend tires of a house guest. And of course, romantic interludes are harder when he's sleeping on someone's couch.

It is amazing how they can spin a story!

Thanks for all the advice. It helped!

AnvilheadII

actually SHE doesn't have to do a thing about his situation.
SHE does not have to pay for a hotel or a hamburger on his behalf.
that is drama SHE chooses to remain embroiled in.

not your circus
not your monkeys

i hope you can continue to distance yourself from all of this.

Troubledone

AnvilheadII

Thank you SO MUCH. Oh my, it really does take other people to point out blind spots.

My niece may be an addict, but if she signs up for this drama - it's HER codependency. I am not obligated to participate in ANY of it (no should I).

It's a little embarrassing to not have seen this (I guess I was a little freaked out by anyone sleeping in the cold) - but I do so appreciate this clarity as I am sure this drama is not over yet. He is still homeless, she's still "in love" and I still need to get her out of my house.

thanks to all for your help and support!

Ann

Oh golly, I have not heard that phrase for a while here and yet it is one that was once my mantra and that I need to remember often.

Thank you, dear Anvil, I love you for bringing it back to light.

Zevin

Am I the only one who thought the therapist's idea was sort of...good?

OpheliaKatz