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Old 03-03-2019, 08:05 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Ha!

I actually kinda thought the therapist's idea WAS good - I think the idea was to challenge how much she "really cared" about the BF.

After all, if she hadn't moved in there in violation of the lease - and - after the landlord said no way due to her failing the background check, he would still be living there. (or maybe not calling the cops every time they fought would have been nice too).

In any case, after he stayed at a friends for 2 nights, she did spring for a cheap air B & B room - until Tuesday. So, I am enjoying the peace and quiet. Tuesday she finds out if she is is approved for an apartment. If so, they will move in there (for the next round of drama) and if not, I guess they have some things to figure out.

But, I do love the saying - not my circus, not my monkeys. You all have been a tremendous help! Thanks!
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Old 03-04-2019, 08:19 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Very proud of you for holding your boundaries! Well done!
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Old 03-04-2019, 05:48 PM
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update - my niece paid for an air B & B for three nights hoping she'll be approved for an apartment tomorrow.

As it turns out, the BF couldn't hold it together for 3 days, started up his ranting, manipulating and all - so my niece leaves in -6 degree weather to walk here. My husband picked her up. She says she realizes just how messed up he is and is done. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm doing my own thing and letting go. Unlike the past, I am not asking questions about what happened or why, what he'll do next or any of that. I hope she gets the apartment she applied for.

We'll see.

thanks to all for your input, support and humor! :-)

Last edited by Troubledone; 03-04-2019 at 05:50 PM. Reason: duplicated some info
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Old 03-04-2019, 06:59 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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When. I was first teaching, I was a pushover for parents wanting to dump their no longer wanted pet hamsters on me.
I had a great deal of difficulty saying no.
As a result, at one point I had 3 classroom hamsters.
Three separate cages, trips in during breaks to feed and water or bring them home with me.
I wa moaning about this to an older teacher who had been in the classroom a long time.
She smiled. Looked right at me, and said, "sometimes we have to learn a lesson more than once."
Meaning, "Sharpen up your NO skills, kid."
Sounds like you really, really want what's best for niece, and she just can't get it together.
Fwiw, this is my opinion only and totally not judging, as I have a sib who has been living with and off my mother for years, but....
When your niece moves out, I would try real hard not to let her back in.
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Old 03-04-2019, 07:04 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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When. I was first teaching, I was a pushover for parents wanting to dump their no longer wanted pet hamsters on me.
I had a great deal of difficulty saying no.
As a result, at one point I had 3 classroom hamsters.
Three separate cages, trips in during breaks to feed and water or bring them home with me.
I was moaning about this to an older teacher who had been in the classroom a long time.
She smiled. Looked right at me, and said, "sometimes we have to learn a lesson more than once."
Meaning, "Sharpen up your NO skills, kid."
Sounds like you really, really want what's best for niece, and she just can't get it together.
Fwiw, this is my opinion only and totally not judging, as I have a sib who has been living with and off my mother for years, but....
When your niece moves out, I would try real hard not to let her back in.
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Old 03-04-2019, 08:40 PM
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This story could be my daughter. It amazes me how stupid they can be. Everything can be set up for them. Mental health stuff, meds. ,therapy a place to stay. But instead of moving forward ,it's like they look around and say. What is the stupidest thing I can do today.
Stay strong.Listent to the drama but don't join the cast.
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Old 03-05-2019, 02:28 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Oh golly, I have not heard that phrase for a while here and yet it is one that was once my mantra and that I need to remember often.

Thank you, dear Anvil, I love you for bringing it back to light.
And to go with that I also like the…………..

Just because they get the monkey off their backs doesn’t mean the circus has left town!
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Old 03-06-2019, 07:33 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Well, one can only hope she means it, and that she is really done. I tell my kids all the time that you are the company you keep. They don't like to believe me, but it's true. For kids and adults alike. I am definitely sure she will not move forward in positive ways with that monkey on her back. I hope she saw the light!

I am even seeing this in myself. There is someone I work with that I really like. She's funny, smart, and a good friend. That being said, she is also very negative about many things, and curses a lot. What do I find myself doing?? Cursing like a sailor and being a negative nelly. I don't want to do that. I realize, I am going to have to distance myself from her. I hate that, but it's the reality.

As always, I am sending prayers for you and your family. As Maudcat is saying, don't take in any hamsters!

Huge hugs!
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Old 03-06-2019, 01:47 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I had an old boss who would say to me ...

If you associate with people above you, it will be uncomfortable, but they'll bring you up.
If you associate with people "below" you (in values, ethics, discipline, whatever), they will drag you down.

I've told my niece this so many times. I think making that decision to strive against one's baser instincts is hard - easier if you are struggling upwards with others - but almost impossible if you also have to fight other's baser nature along with your own.

Last update - the BF ended up back in the hospital. Seems like that's where he ends up all the time when he can't cope. I hope he finds the help he needs. My niece sounds like she's ready to focus on herself, I'm praying but letting go at the same time.
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