Why do I feel so guilty about standing my ground???
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Why do I feel so guilty about standing my ground???
So last night I enforced one of my boundaries with my wife... it did not go as well as i would have liked.
So background:
Boundary.... abuse of items that are being jointly ore solely paid for by me are subject to restricted use/limitations.
Consequence... restrictions applied.
Reasoning for Boundary... the phone and car were used by my wife to contact drug dealers and meet to collect drugs. Since I was footing all the bills, I felt very used by all this.
When she went into transitional living, she got a cellphone back... and the cellphone had a call limiting feature which limited who she could call (approved contact list). She wanted the pin to add people to the list (sponsors, residential facility, etc...). I had no issues with names being added, but wanted them added by someone else so she could not just defeat the purpose of the call list. She did not want to have other people contact me for the pin so they could enter their contact info. I said it was her decision.... so she said she wanted the pin... and so I gave her the pin.
Last night I realized that she was pushing that boundary of mine, and that by getting the pin she has completely skirted the consequence. I texted her (my big mistake out of this) that as such, having the pin means that when she comes home, she will have to pay for her own phone and service. She got very defensive and we ended up having a tense discussion about it. No resolution tho as it was getting late.
Needless to say, I did not sleep well because I feel guilty about enforcing my boundary and definitely about the way I did so.
My questions to the community are:
1) am i being unreasonable with the boundary?
2) what could i have done better to have enforced the boundary?
Thanks all.
So background:
Boundary.... abuse of items that are being jointly ore solely paid for by me are subject to restricted use/limitations.
Consequence... restrictions applied.
Reasoning for Boundary... the phone and car were used by my wife to contact drug dealers and meet to collect drugs. Since I was footing all the bills, I felt very used by all this.
When she went into transitional living, she got a cellphone back... and the cellphone had a call limiting feature which limited who she could call (approved contact list). She wanted the pin to add people to the list (sponsors, residential facility, etc...). I had no issues with names being added, but wanted them added by someone else so she could not just defeat the purpose of the call list. She did not want to have other people contact me for the pin so they could enter their contact info. I said it was her decision.... so she said she wanted the pin... and so I gave her the pin.
Last night I realized that she was pushing that boundary of mine, and that by getting the pin she has completely skirted the consequence. I texted her (my big mistake out of this) that as such, having the pin means that when she comes home, she will have to pay for her own phone and service. She got very defensive and we ended up having a tense discussion about it. No resolution tho as it was getting late.
Needless to say, I did not sleep well because I feel guilty about enforcing my boundary and definitely about the way I did so.
My questions to the community are:
1) am i being unreasonable with the boundary?
2) what could i have done better to have enforced the boundary?
Thanks all.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well, when i hear of restrictions and taking phones away, i think of teenagers. then layering in a restricted phone with an "approved" contact list sounds like parental control.
here's the thing, if she wants to get drugs, she'll get drugs.....and not having a phone won't stop her. the PHONE is not the issue!!!! as it is you gave her the phone AND you gave her the PIN. that you thought it about it AFTER the fact and then decided to enforce a NEW punishment really isn't resolving a thing.
it's like banning lighters to prevent people from smoking, while totally forgetting about matches.
you are confusing boundaries (which are for YOU) and rules (which are intended for her).
here's the thing, if she wants to get drugs, she'll get drugs.....and not having a phone won't stop her. the PHONE is not the issue!!!! as it is you gave her the phone AND you gave her the PIN. that you thought it about it AFTER the fact and then decided to enforce a NEW punishment really isn't resolving a thing.
it's like banning lighters to prevent people from smoking, while totally forgetting about matches.
you are confusing boundaries (which are for YOU) and rules (which are intended for her).
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
well, when i hear of restrictions and taking phones away, i think of teenagers. then layering in a restricted phone with an "approved" contact list sounds like parental control.
here's the thing, if she wants to get drugs, she'll get drugs.....and not having a phone won't stop her. the PHONE is not the issue!!!! as it is you gave her the phone AND you gave her the PIN. that you thought it about it AFTER the fact and then decided to enforce a NEW punishment really isn't resolving a thing.
it's like banning lighters to prevent people from smoking, while totally forgetting about matches.
you are confusing boundaries (which are for YOU) and rules (which are intended for her).
here's the thing, if she wants to get drugs, she'll get drugs.....and not having a phone won't stop her. the PHONE is not the issue!!!! as it is you gave her the phone AND you gave her the PIN. that you thought it about it AFTER the fact and then decided to enforce a NEW punishment really isn't resolving a thing.
it's like banning lighters to prevent people from smoking, while totally forgetting about matches.
you are confusing boundaries (which are for YOU) and rules (which are intended for her).
Thank you AnvilheadII for your perspective...
The boundary is for me actually... I know that if she wants to get drugs, she will find a way, but i will not be the one that enables it... The phone was given with the stipulation that it have the list.. she agreed. I feel hugely used and manipulated (financially) by her past actions, and this boundary is about me providing her support to have a phone to stay in contact with loved ones yet protecting myself from being used again. This was the condition of me continuing financial support.... her other option is for her to get/pay for her own phone and then I do not worry about it. I refuse to be used again....
One contention I have about your comment tho is that it is not a new punishment... being accountable for yourself is not a punishment... it is being a responsible adult. If she wants to do what she wants, that is fine with me... just not at my expense (financially or emotionally).
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I get what you're trying to achieve but these don't read like boundaries to me - they are Rules. I'd expect resistance from a grown adult facing rules regardless of the validation for it.
Boundaries are "I" statements - they are meant to protect you in the way of having a Plan B at the ready when/if the boundary is crossed. So you aren't spending time spinning your wheels trying to figure out what your next steps are - you can simply move in that direction.
Boundaries don't require action from our qualifiers & often don't ever need to be verbalized - again, they are for US.
A boundary might be, "if I find out she's using the phone to get drugs, I'll stop paying for her service"... all that PIN # crap is going to keep you enmeshed & reinforce Codependent thinking, IMO.
Boundaries are "I" statements - they are meant to protect you in the way of having a Plan B at the ready when/if the boundary is crossed. So you aren't spending time spinning your wheels trying to figure out what your next steps are - you can simply move in that direction.
Boundaries don't require action from our qualifiers & often don't ever need to be verbalized - again, they are for US.
A boundary might be, "if I find out she's using the phone to get drugs, I'll stop paying for her service"... all that PIN # crap is going to keep you enmeshed & reinforce Codependent thinking, IMO.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
FireSprite,
Thanks for your comments... The problem with the boundary as you defined it leaves me open to being used again because by time I find out if she is using the phone, it has likely been going on awhile. Also, to find out she has been using the phone, that means i need to be policing it. This is a clean cut boundary in my opinion... either she accepts the phone with the restrictions, or she doesn't. If she doesn't then I do not pay for it.
Thanks again.. this is the part I am struggling with the most about the setting and maintaining boundaries....
Thanks for your comments... The problem with the boundary as you defined it leaves me open to being used again because by time I find out if she is using the phone, it has likely been going on awhile. Also, to find out she has been using the phone, that means i need to be policing it. This is a clean cut boundary in my opinion... either she accepts the phone with the restrictions, or she doesn't. If she doesn't then I do not pay for it.
Thanks again.. this is the part I am struggling with the most about the setting and maintaining boundaries....
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
It's still a rule not a boundary Spence. It's also controlling which is fuel for the codie fire in every way.
Be careful you aren't fooling yourself into a false impression of being safeguarded against her behaviors - like anvil said, the drug use was not about the phone. If she wants them, she'll get them no matter how many stopgaps you try to set up.
There are some great old shares on boundaries if you want me to dig them up & link you here.
Be careful you aren't fooling yourself into a false impression of being safeguarded against her behaviors - like anvil said, the drug use was not about the phone. If she wants them, she'll get them no matter how many stopgaps you try to set up.
There are some great old shares on boundaries if you want me to dig them up & link you here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Reasoning for Boundary... the phone and car were used by my wife to contact drug dealers and meet to collect drugs.
When she went into transitional living, she got a cellphone back... and the cellphone had a call limiting feature which limited who she could call (approved contact list).
Also, to find out she has been using the phone, that means i need to be policing it.
When she went into transitional living, she got a cellphone back... and the cellphone had a call limiting feature which limited who she could call (approved contact list).
Also, to find out she has been using the phone, that means i need to be policing it.
If YOU are having issues with how she might use the phone then just take it away and save yourself all of this guilt and stress and confusion.
We can’t force trust, we can’t attempt to control and bring about trust, it takes time to earn it and it takes trust to see if that will happen.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by FireSprite
It's still a rule not a boundary Spence. It's also controlling which is fuel for the codie fire in every way.
Be careful you aren't fooling yourself into a false impression of being safeguarded against her behaviors - like anvil said, the drug use was not about the phone. If she wants them, she'll get them no matter how many stopgaps you try to set up.
There are some great old shares on boundaries if you want me to dig them up & link you here.
Be careful you aren't fooling yourself into a false impression of being safeguarded against her behaviors - like anvil said, the drug use was not about the phone. If she wants them, she'll get them no matter how many stopgaps you try to set up.
There are some great old shares on boundaries if you want me to dig them up & link you here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I hope you have some free time on your hands, lol:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (Healthy Boundaries!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ries-hard.html (Boundaries are hard!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (Resources to Learn How to Set Boundaries)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (When does setting a boundary start becoming trying to control their recovery?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-boundary.html (Is this manipulative or a boundary?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-boundary.html (Ultimatum versus boundary)
Some of these may repeat, so feel free to "take what you wan & leave the rest".
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (Healthy Boundaries!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ries-hard.html (Boundaries are hard!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (Resources to Learn How to Set Boundaries)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (When does setting a boundary start becoming trying to control their recovery?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-boundary.html (Is this manipulative or a boundary?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-boundary.html (Ultimatum versus boundary)
Some of these may repeat, so feel free to "take what you wan & leave the rest".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
spence.....you took away her phone. you then gave her a phone. with conditions. then she asked to go around those conditions.
YOU AGREED.
no matter what you do, you cannot prevent her from doing whatever it is she is going to do. and you won't get advance warning, no matter how many safeguards you put in place.
the bottom line is that you do not TRUST this person. you don't even trust her to manage a phone without special conditions. everything you are trying right now is about CONTROL......trying to CONTROL the outcome. if i do THIS this and tHiS then the boogie man won't get me.
it is not YOUR job to teach your wife about consequences. going back to the phone, you gave it to her, then she asked for the PIN, and you gave that to her. you cannot then go back and say HEY wait a minute, you cheated! that is what i meant by trying to enforce additional punishment...........after the fact.
it's easier to "phocus" on the "phone" then it is the real problem......you have zero trust in this person.
YOU AGREED.
no matter what you do, you cannot prevent her from doing whatever it is she is going to do. and you won't get advance warning, no matter how many safeguards you put in place.
the bottom line is that you do not TRUST this person. you don't even trust her to manage a phone without special conditions. everything you are trying right now is about CONTROL......trying to CONTROL the outcome. if i do THIS this and tHiS then the boogie man won't get me.
it is not YOUR job to teach your wife about consequences. going back to the phone, you gave it to her, then she asked for the PIN, and you gave that to her. you cannot then go back and say HEY wait a minute, you cheated! that is what i meant by trying to enforce additional punishment...........after the fact.
it's easier to "phocus" on the "phone" then it is the real problem......you have zero trust in this person.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I struggled with boundaries and rules too when my son lived at home.
In the end I made house rules...
No drugs in my house ever.
All who live in my home must be home by 11 pm so I could sleep well on work nights.
Disrespect toward any family member will not be tolerated.
Money can be earned, by working and will not be handed out.
There were more rules but you get the gist. Basically, my house =my rules.
My "boundary" was that I would not tolerate the rules being broken. I would ask anyone who disrespectef the rules to leave immediately. Why? Because my own self preservation was not negotiable.
Rules are about them. Boundaries are about us. Sometimes the lines blur and that usually depends on our motivation. I was controlling my own environment, my safe place, my home.
I used to tell my son "You can live here and respect the rules or do what you want any place else. I will love you just the same, either way."
In the end I made house rules...
No drugs in my house ever.
All who live in my home must be home by 11 pm so I could sleep well on work nights.
Disrespect toward any family member will not be tolerated.
Money can be earned, by working and will not be handed out.
There were more rules but you get the gist. Basically, my house =my rules.
My "boundary" was that I would not tolerate the rules being broken. I would ask anyone who disrespectef the rules to leave immediately. Why? Because my own self preservation was not negotiable.
Rules are about them. Boundaries are about us. Sometimes the lines blur and that usually depends on our motivation. I was controlling my own environment, my safe place, my home.
I used to tell my son "You can live here and respect the rules or do what you want any place else. I will love you just the same, either way."
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Maybe ask her to get her own phone. If she wants to keep in touch with family and friends, that's for her to do... if she wants to. You shouldn't have to pay for her to keep in touch with you. Is she financially dependent on you?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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So to answer some of the question... yes, she is financially dependent on me. Her use cost her her job and she is now seriously in debt.
As for the control issue, interesting... to me it is about enforcing boundaries... but AnvilheadII, you are right... the truth is is it about trust AND respect but the phone is a vessel in which she can start earning that trust and show respect. Trust can be given... which it was initially... but it has been violated... and now it must be earned... and one way it can be earned is thru following rules.... and you are all probably right, these are rules.. which stem from one of my boundaries then which is I will not be used/taken advantage of. When someone bucks the rules... it does not instill trust nor show respect...
Clearly addicts do not like having to show humility for their actions... especially when they think they can get away with it... and that appears to be the case here. An addict's boundaries are no more important than mine.... and this is a violation of mine.
And AvilheadII, I agree to giving her the pin, because it is what she asked... she knew there was a reason for the boundary. For me to withold the pin is not my responsibility if she does not want it to be mine... so she can have it... but that does not mean there are not repercussions... something addicts seem not to want to take responsibility for....
Thanks folks.
T
As for the control issue, interesting... to me it is about enforcing boundaries... but AnvilheadII, you are right... the truth is is it about trust AND respect but the phone is a vessel in which she can start earning that trust and show respect. Trust can be given... which it was initially... but it has been violated... and now it must be earned... and one way it can be earned is thru following rules.... and you are all probably right, these are rules.. which stem from one of my boundaries then which is I will not be used/taken advantage of. When someone bucks the rules... it does not instill trust nor show respect...
Clearly addicts do not like having to show humility for their actions... especially when they think they can get away with it... and that appears to be the case here. An addict's boundaries are no more important than mine.... and this is a violation of mine.
And AvilheadII, I agree to giving her the pin, because it is what she asked... she knew there was a reason for the boundary. For me to withold the pin is not my responsibility if she does not want it to be mine... so she can have it... but that does not mean there are not repercussions... something addicts seem not to want to take responsibility for....
Thanks folks.
T
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Ok... this is my suggestion. Not sure if it's a good "solution" or not. Probably, it is just one thing you can try. I understand the need to control, because you're faced with a person who is out of control. Of course, you still can't control it, and trying to is going to make you crazy. You're in a difficult situation right now because you are still in a relationship with an active addict. Even early rehab is still "active" usually. You can't trust her. She's dependent on you financially.
Here's what I would do (maybe not what someone else would do, but what I would think to do):
Maybe think about what she needs to pay her phone plan and other "necessary" expenditures... like a set amount of money for public transport (the bus/train... etc.). That may be a total of $50 a fortnight (I'm just throwing a figure out there... no idea how much it will cost). Tell her that this is what you are giving her the money for, because she needs to live/get to her appointments... etc. Now that you've agreed to continue supporting her financially, understand that from there it's pretty much like you've thrown some money into a faulty wishing well. She may use that money however she wants. If she spends it all on booze, well that means she can't get to her appointments, pay her phone bill, etc... .
I don't know if you want to stipulate that you can choose to stop giving her money if you feel abused financially. I have heard of people whose spouses started to steal stuff from home to sell for booze or drugs. I know that in my case, I started hiding family heirlooms and sentimental jewelry from my spouse. It just wasn't a sane way to live. So even if you cut her off financially, the dramas could continue. I eventually told my spouse that I would pay off a month rent for him to live somewhere else (away from me), and from there he's on his own financially (this didn't happen because he went crazy... but that's another story... also, I am not saying that was the right thing to do).
So basically, by writing off the money, you're giving her back control, and relinquishing your responsibility. At least... that is what I would hope. Any time you make a decision where the addict is involved, always ask yourself: does my decision depend on the addict doing anything? If you can do the "thing" you are deciding to do regardless of the addict's actions... then that's the best decision (because you're not depending on an undependable person).
But wait... giving someone $50 a fortnight is like giving a teenager an allowance. I don't know if it's good to treat an adult this way. I really don't know about this either. You are supposed to be able to trust your spouse... including trust them with money. You can't trust this person.
The only other thing I could think of is to stop supporting her financially. I would also make sure that I don't have any joint accounts that I'm afraid of getting wiped out... no credit cards that you are paying for... etc. If you're enmeshed with an addict, it can become very difficult to stay out of trouble.
My sympathies.
(What can you do to avoid having to pay off her debt?)
Here's what I would do (maybe not what someone else would do, but what I would think to do):
Maybe think about what she needs to pay her phone plan and other "necessary" expenditures... like a set amount of money for public transport (the bus/train... etc.). That may be a total of $50 a fortnight (I'm just throwing a figure out there... no idea how much it will cost). Tell her that this is what you are giving her the money for, because she needs to live/get to her appointments... etc. Now that you've agreed to continue supporting her financially, understand that from there it's pretty much like you've thrown some money into a faulty wishing well. She may use that money however she wants. If she spends it all on booze, well that means she can't get to her appointments, pay her phone bill, etc... .
I don't know if you want to stipulate that you can choose to stop giving her money if you feel abused financially. I have heard of people whose spouses started to steal stuff from home to sell for booze or drugs. I know that in my case, I started hiding family heirlooms and sentimental jewelry from my spouse. It just wasn't a sane way to live. So even if you cut her off financially, the dramas could continue. I eventually told my spouse that I would pay off a month rent for him to live somewhere else (away from me), and from there he's on his own financially (this didn't happen because he went crazy... but that's another story... also, I am not saying that was the right thing to do).
So basically, by writing off the money, you're giving her back control, and relinquishing your responsibility. At least... that is what I would hope. Any time you make a decision where the addict is involved, always ask yourself: does my decision depend on the addict doing anything? If you can do the "thing" you are deciding to do regardless of the addict's actions... then that's the best decision (because you're not depending on an undependable person).
But wait... giving someone $50 a fortnight is like giving a teenager an allowance. I don't know if it's good to treat an adult this way. I really don't know about this either. You are supposed to be able to trust your spouse... including trust them with money. You can't trust this person.
The only other thing I could think of is to stop supporting her financially. I would also make sure that I don't have any joint accounts that I'm afraid of getting wiped out... no credit cards that you are paying for... etc. If you're enmeshed with an addict, it can become very difficult to stay out of trouble.
My sympathies.
(What can you do to avoid having to pay off her debt?)
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You have a twofold problem here. One, she has no money so even if you say pay for your phone yourself, she cannot. Likely she sees that as rubbing her face into it and feels crappy about that.
Two, you have lack of trust for her.
You are going to have to decide how you are going to address #1. If you plan to control every cent, be prepared for some bitter feelings from her I would say. It is her own fault, however, controlling someone through money is not healthy for either of you.
More will be revealed on the subjects of this. Is she trustworthy and working her program? You will be able to tell in time, no matter how much you try to control the outcome.
Maybe more time should be invested into the thought process of will you EVER be able to trust her again, and if not, what do you plan to do about that? Put the focus and energy on something you can control, YOU.
Sending you a big hug because I know it's very hard.
Two, you have lack of trust for her.
You are going to have to decide how you are going to address #1. If you plan to control every cent, be prepared for some bitter feelings from her I would say. It is her own fault, however, controlling someone through money is not healthy for either of you.
More will be revealed on the subjects of this. Is she trustworthy and working her program? You will be able to tell in time, no matter how much you try to control the outcome.
Maybe more time should be invested into the thought process of will you EVER be able to trust her again, and if not, what do you plan to do about that? Put the focus and energy on something you can control, YOU.
Sending you a big hug because I know it's very hard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Boundaries are "I" statements - they are meant to protect you in the way of having a Plan B at the ready when/if the boundary is crossed. So you aren't spending time spinning your wheels trying to figure out what your next steps are - you can simply move in that direction.
Boundaries don't require action from our qualifiers & often don't ever need to be verbalized - again, they are for US.
I'm going through relationship counseling with my boyfriend who is not an addict (and I think that's the only reason I've stayed with him so long- after all I put up with my AXH I just don't have a concept of "normal" and "sober" has sort of become my "good enough").
Anyway, we're in counseling because he treats me like dirt. And I've been thinking, "Hey... maybe I could come up with a list of 'boundaries' and we could discuss them in counseling. Like, "I'm not going to put up with you saying I have a big nose anymore. Or "I'm not okay with you going on 10-day trips and not being clear about whether or not we're still a couple, and not calling even once. Or "I'm not going to allow you to make comments about me in front of your friends like I'm some kind of meat".
So, yeah. I could say that in counseling. Establish my boundaries and stick to them. But why? I've already told him these things are not okay. He knows they're not and he continues to do them. So boundaries become ultimatums when I tell him "Stop doing this, or else." It doesn't need to be said.
When someone is treating you wrong, you need only tell them that you're not okay with it. Once. You don't need to give a warning of consequences to follow.
Again, sorry to hijack your thread. This brought clarity for me. Thanks.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
So boundaries become ultimatums when I tell him "Stop doing this, or else." It doesn't need to be said.
I try to play the tape "all the way through" when I'm creating my boundaries to help me separate them from ultimatums/rules.
Using your example:
"I'm not going to allow you to make comments about me in front of your friends like I'm some kind of meat".
What CAN I do if/when that happens?
What am I WILLING to do? (It's very easy to SAY you won't tolerate x-y-z but doing so can be very different. It's incredibly helpful for your own self-respect/trust that you stay honest with YOURSELF about your limits & levels of acceptance with everything.)
Is my boundary enforceable or does it depend on other people/actions in order to follow through? (like, I can't make him leave, but I always can)
Does this require having other plans in place? (like my boundary is that I will leave when x-y-z happens - do I know where I'm going? What else is required to make that Plan B always achievable?.... a friend used to keep a Go Bag packed in her car at all times, for example - with cash, meds, keys, etc.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
To me trust is something that can be built back up.. takes time tho... and to give it to someone who pissed it away without conditions in my opinion is foolish. And OpheliaKatz, you are correct, I should be able to trust my spouse... but she proved otherwise... now she must work to prove it once again.
hopeful4, you asked if she is trustworthy and working on her program... the first answer is that she is not... proven so....; the second is very much so. Can she be trustworthy again, yes.. is she worthy of my trust.. I truly believe so otherwise i would not be sticking thru with our marriage.... but rebuilding trust takes time and will need to be earned.... baby steps to prove it at this time...
So the issue comes down to do I offend the sensibilities of a recovering addict, or mine...
hopeful4, you asked if she is trustworthy and working on her program... the first answer is that she is not... proven so....; the second is very much so. Can she be trustworthy again, yes.. is she worthy of my trust.. I truly believe so otherwise i would not be sticking thru with our marriage.... but rebuilding trust takes time and will need to be earned.... baby steps to prove it at this time...
So the issue comes down to do I offend the sensibilities of a recovering addict, or mine...
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I agree with what hopeful said -- at some point, the trust issue will be resolved. In the meantime, look after yourself.
"So the issue comes down to do I offend the sensibilities of a recovering addict, or mine..."
Hmm... this might involve some sort of "sacrifice" on your part or her part. If you are going to be in this relationship, she does need financial support as she has no (current) means of supporting herself.
More will be revealed.
"So the issue comes down to do I offend the sensibilities of a recovering addict, or mine..."
Hmm... this might involve some sort of "sacrifice" on your part or her part. If you are going to be in this relationship, she does need financial support as she has no (current) means of supporting herself.
More will be revealed.
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