findingme26

When AP is out of rehab in a couple of weeks, I don't want her to move back home just yet. I feel like we are both too early in recovery to be able to handle emotions in a healthy way together right now. She's on a leave of absence from work, so has no income right now. Supposed to be going back Feb 18 but I highly doubt she will be able to handle it. In the meantime, she can't get unemployment or anything because she's technically not fired and technically is unable/unavailable for full time work right now.

So she doesn't have a lot of options on where to go. Not a lot of friends she can stay with. She talked about a sober living home before. There are a couple of good ones that would cost around $100 a week.

My dilemma: I would be okay lending her money to help out getting into a sober living home, at least until she goes back to work or gets fired and starts collecting unemployment. But I would not be okay lending her money to rent an apartment on her own because I know she won't be able to handle it by herself, and the last time I helped her with deposit for a place, she drank to blackout the first night there, had the cops called twice, and got kicked out and lost all $750 she gave them for deposit and first month. (They swear they gave it back, she swears they didn't but she was so messed up she has no standing to contest)

So is offering to help only if she makes the choice to continue recovery a manipulation on my part, or is it setting a boundary?

SparkleKitty

First and foremost, is it possible for you to do nothing at the moment? To give her the dignity of working out her options and her challenges on her own for the time being?

Does she know and agree that living with you upon completion of rehab is not an option? If not, start there (that is a very healthy boundary). So she knows what she is facing and what she has to figure out.

She may come to you with a request, at which point you can decide what you are comfortable doing. But trying to pre-empt her process with a conditional offering is a bit...mmm, I don't want to say controlling. But it's not your side of the street right now. Does that make sense?

dandylion

This is just my point of view on this: Your goal, as I understand it---is to prevent her from coming home, right now.....
Alcoholics are notoriously bad at keeping arrangements like the kind you p ropose...

Here is my suggestion---share with her case worker that y ou are NOT comfortable with her coming right home on discharge---and, ask the case worker to facilitate a three way communication about this...
She can , then, work through the emotions while she has support in a structured environment....
This also allows the discharge workers to arrange a sober living place and help her in arrangements of the payment.....financial supports from the propler places and job concerns, etc.
there is a LOT of help at most rehab places....because this is not an uncommon situation, at all....
My husband and I owned an Oxford House, for a few years...that is how I am familiar with this stuff.....lol....

My suggestion....if you give her money toward this end...consider it a "gift"..
She is you wife, after all....
Loans tend to never get re-paid and it just sets you up for more resentments....
some things, like peace of mind, are even more important than money.

remembering that it is her job to work these things out on her own.....you are not her parent...and, she is more capable than you think...IF...IF....she has to do it.....

dandylion

FireSprite

It's manipulation when you attach strings to it. It's also better to think of it as a gift because it's very unlikely you'll see that money ever again. A boundary would be more like: I refuse to live with her until she's had 6 months clean, if she comes home *I* will be moving out. Boundaries are actionable on OUR sides, by US, in response to someone else's behavior.

Legally - can you prevent her from coming home? If so, I also agree that letting her deal with that while she's got counseling available would be best - they are the best people to help her figure out her options for a solution.

findingme26

You guys are right, I am veering into "fix it" territory here. I think that's why I'm feeling uneasy and wanted to ask opinions!

I can't legally prevent her from coming home without filing for divorce. I know that, so I was trying to think ahead to obstacles and how I could make it work and what I would be willing to do. But it's true, I shouldn't be the one making decisions. All I can do is state my boundary and hope I don't have to resort to legal measures to enforce it.

I haven't told her that I'm feeling this way yet. It's something we have talked about in the past so it shouldn't be a shock though. I also haven't made any promises or said anything about "when you get home" because I haven't been sure of what I want yet either.

We have a session with her therapist scheduled for next Wednesday. And I'm waiting on a call back from the therapist so I can give a heads up about my game plan beforehand so she can prepare as well.

This whole "setting boundaries" thing is so alien to me when it comes to my AP. I'm dont want to be so afraid of giving in that I go the complete opposite direction and become an unreasonable hard-a$$, you know?

FireSprite

Boundaries ARE difficult, I think the majority of us really struggle with them at first. I use this thought to measure it when I'm struggling: "Am I doing this FOR ME (proactive, boundary) or AGAINST THEM? (reactive, ultimatum/manipulation)

hopeful4

Depending on where you live, you may not be able to keep her from coming home even if you do file for divorce. I would speak to an attorney and know your options.

I know it's hard, I am so sorry.

Fabat50

This may seem like an overly simplistic question. But are you still in love with your partner? Do you envisage and dream of a happy and healthy future together? Do you believe this is possible. I am not clear from your posts about how YOU feel at the moment other than clearly being worried about her well being ( which is more than honorable!)

findingme26

It seems like it should be a simple question, doesn't it? Short answer: yes. I am still in love with her and do still hope we can have a happy and healthy future. We don't have issues with chronic violence or abuse, or anything that would make ending the relationship a more urgent necessity.

But 8 of the last 13 years of our relationship have been dealing with her addictions. About 3 what I would call major relapses in that time. And then a year or more after each one spent dealing with the fallout and picking up pieces. She's been through 9 jobs and we've filed for bankruptcy twice. Oh, and she's had 2 affairs. And through all of this, I've remained faithful and stuck by her side, hoping every stint in rehab, IOP, AA, and medication change would help her stay sober for good this time.

The difference now is that we have two kids that I can't allow to grow up in chaos, and I'm actually doing work on myself in therapy and Al-Anon. I love her so much and still want our family to be together, but I am looking at reality in a new way now and I'm trying really hard to make healthy decisions.

I don't want to file for divorce, I'm not at that point yet. But I am a planner and I'm trying to steel myself to that possible outcome if she really can't keep sober this time around. I think maybe I'm going overboard in the hard-a$$ direction because I just know how easy it is for me to just give in and let her do whatever she wants. I feel like I can't really trust my own emotions right now.

AnonWife

This is my perspective. You have two different issues here. A boundary is for your own needs. You dont want to live with her now. You have your reasons. A-ok.

You can relay this to her and she will respond. Legally you might have an issue if she refuses.

But the other issue of offering to help cover sober living, while she is in early recovery and possibly not able to return to her job immediately. This is offering to do something positive to support recovery. Professional recommendations often encourage family and friends to do this. It isnt a wrong choice.

Now these things can be taken to extreme and I look at if it would cause me harm, if I could financially afford it, or especially if I might later be resentful or like Im now due payback. These would be damaging to me, and our relationship.
But helping is fine for our loved ones as long as we measure the action. And see they are using it and actively focusing on positive goals during this time.

redatlanta

I don't see an issue with offering to pay for sober living. I do know that some sober living will allow a family member to cover costs for 30 days only, and expect the resident to have a job at that time. I hope your AW is willing to go that route.

I do think you should have an attorney sit down. I agree with Hopeful4, just because you file for divorce it isn't going to change her legal standing to live in your home. Additionally, her failure to have an income isn't going to bode well for you if you split. Its best to have some idea about what divorce will cost you to prepare if you decide to.

For you and the family its best that she succeed, and if you split its to your best interest as well. Getting her back on her feet, back at work with an income is in your best interest.

While it may not seem fair given her history, I don't see that there is a choice here if you want her out of the house BUT to pay for it.

findingme26

This is a good point, redatlanta. I'm not trying to be vindictive here at all, I do want her to succeed and get back to a healthy place. I love her and want to be supportive. I'm just still unclear about what is being supportive, what's being a sucker, what's setting a good boundary, what's being unreasonable. I know I don't have to make any decisions right this second, it's just all swirling around in my mind today. Her little AWOL incident yesterday snapped me awake again, I think.

AnonWife

Wouldnt she also be possibly legally entitled to half of your family savings and such, especially if she needed it to pay for medical care or support services. Intensive continuation in IOP or therapy for an extended time. You might should speak to an attorney in your state.

findingme26

Also, I did contact my attorney today and had a 30 min phone consult. Since Michigan doesn't recognize legal separation, the only way to legally force her out would be to file for divorce, then file a motion for exclusive occupancy. If the situation is considered dangerous for the kids, it could be granted before trial even.

Again, though, this is completely a last resort for me. I just needed to know what my options are if things did end up badly.

findingme26

Ha ha! Yes, she probably would be entitled to half of the $1,000 I have to my name right now.

I appreciate the helpful suggestions, but we have absolutely no assets to speak of. No equity in the home and are currently in Chapter 13 bankruptcy. Honestly, there isn't much that we would even fight about in a divorce situation. We're both pretty clear on what we would want. She would want the dogs and her car. Maybe some furniture. I would want the house and the cats. And the kids would obviously stay with me because she is not their legal parent. I would have to ask my mom for help to be able to retain an attorney at this point.

suki44883

Knowing your options is a good thing. The laws are different in each state. I'm glad you consulted with an attorney. As you move forward, you will do so knowing your legal options...although, that may be the easy part. It's matters of the heart that get us messed up. Good luck to you both.

Praying

Hi...I'm a financial person. Wanted to throw out the idea that, given your history together, if she does well and you decide to stay together, you might consider filing for separate maintenance. If you come to agreements outside the courts, you can file for fairly little money.

With children in the picture you'll need to protect your future assets from another bankruptcy. If she is recovering, she would likely understand this perspective. You'd have to make sure your health coverage would still apply to her, but this route can give you peace of mind over YOUR financials.

In my state you can get a separation and have it written to easily convert to divorce by either party at any time. That might not be possible in yours.

redatlanta

Well you could also sign a post-nuptial agreement. I think if I were you that's where I would go with it if you are going to financially support her outside the home.

I don't really see anything being a codependence issue - to me its a legal issue and staying within the boundary of what your State's law entitles her as your wife while also choosing a path that best serves everyone involved. To me its very clear that if someone (you) isn't going to pay for her to live outside the home, then she has no alternative BUT to return her her legal residence. Divorces take time including filings Motion for Exclusive Occupancy. Just because you file it, doesn't mean you get it. Of course, if she has no money she would most likely be Pro Se which generally doesn't bode well. Since she has in the past left the home at your request (and on your dime) maybe she would again. I guess it depends on the motivation - if she left to be able to drink......and is sober now.....just can't say.

As to your point about her meds which might have been on another thread. Its a difficult situation when dealing with an illness that can be, or needs to be treated with addictive medications. We know that Benzo's act on the same part of the brain as alcohol and are highly addictive. She has been diagnosed with bi-polar and I believe you said anxiety issues. Could be at this time the focus is on continued recovery from alcoholism and getting her BP managed so for now they aren't going to touch the benzo's. Coming off Benzo IMO more difficult than alcohol or just about anything. My husband is still on them and has been since he was diagnosed with BP (and he has anxiety disorder). He cannot sleep without them. Period. His mania is insomnia. I have never known him to abuse them not to say somewhere down the road that couldn't happen. As long as he continues to go to his psychiatrist, and doesn't abuse the med I have no issue with it.