freshstart1

Hi Guys,

So my partner now has almost 7 months of being sober. At least I think she is sober... Still having a really hard time with the trust issue. We are living separately at the moment and trying to pick up the pieces of a marriage destroyed by the disease. She wants to work on repairing the relationship and we are trying to muster the strength to give things a go again but currently in limbo. She is currently only going to 1 meeting a week and does not have a sponsor at the moment. When I talk to people in the sober community these two things are serious red flags. I share their concern. What got her into trouble in the first place was thinking that she could manage the disease herself. That approach ended with her almost dying several times and several terrifying nights of having to call paramedics, etc.

So I feel like she isn't taking this thing seriously enough somehow. She is also very isolated. She just has work and her friendship with me at the moment. In my mind she needs to maintain a community of sober people that she can lean on. To turn away from this community that saved her seems insane to me.

So I am wondering how to communicate this to her in terms of boundaries. I feel like I want to set a "boundary" that stipulates that I need her to be working the program more actively, or I am just not comfortable taking steps forward with her. Or is this just me trying to control her recovery (something that is a waste of time according to everything I have learned about the disease)? Having a really hard time seeing where the line is on this. Seems to be some gray area.

Does anyone have thoughts on this? They would be welcome and very much appreciated!

Best,
Freshstart

dandylion

freshstart.....I share your same concern.
This is the way I look at it: You are experiencing a lack of trust...based o n your knowledge of the disease and your past experience. You have a 1st. responsibility to look after your own welfare.
It would just be being honest about your feelings and emotions concerning the matter.
I don't see that as trying to be controlling of her. Your motivation is your own self care.

Your boundary? Maybe, something like this...."I can't and won't live in a situation where I am worried about relapse every minute of the night and day.
That feels like a nightmare for me.
I have lost my trust. I can't deep six myself in this disease, again."

She will probably be angry and accuse you of all sorts of things. Probably verrry argumentative, on the subject.
That is her issue.....how to deal with the information about your distrust.
You can't do anything about that......

You have to do what you have to do in order to take care of your self.

I hope that this helps.....

dandylion

Delizadee

Truthfully, as an alcoholic who very badly want to control the problem...
Your best gauge in how and where she is in her recovery. Is to set the boundaries and watch how she reacts.

I realized after a time that I could get sober but struggled to stay sober. Eventually, I figured out that asking or expecting anyone to do or maintain any behavior that enabled me only enabled my disease.

With that being said... if you were my SO, and you set boundaries for me, even if I was struggling. I would be honest. Somewhat grumbling inside. But feel humble enough to accept your boundaries.
It's healthy and important for you to have them. If you are met with any kind of resistance, that right there is enough of a red flag. Recovery is about honesty and respecting our own and others boundaries. Among many other things.

You cannot steer her recovery. But I think if you are wise enough and trust you're gut, you will see the signs.
There is talking the talk and walking the walk. It's a very big difference that I think if you are putting in your own emotional work and getting proper support, that I hope you will recognize.

FireSprite

^This right here is what makes it a complete ultimatum & not a boundary to me.

This is all about telling her what to do to fit your criteria. Plus, setting boundaries about someone else's recovery is definitely trying to control them. If she's not showing the signs of being ready to get real about recovery then what does that mean for YOU?

Your boundaries should be more about how long you're willing to wait it out, what types of behaviors you will/won't tolerate & how you'll remove yourself from the situation if they arise. Nothing at all about how she works HER recovery. I promise, if you start focusing fully on your own next steps, hers won't matter *as much*.

Being the way that I am I also have to point out that just because you THINK more meetings is the answer for her, doesn't make it right. Attending meetings 2x daily for the rest of your life means nothing if you close your eyes & ears to actually doing the WORK of recovery. Even if she met your boundary, it wouldn't mean she was recovering. JMHO, of course!

LexieCat

FS is right. You can't gauge another person's commitment to recovery by whether they have a sponsor or how many meetings they are going to. I had a sponsor, whom I didn't work with all that much. I did go to a ton of meetings my first year, but now I'm at one a week (and sometimes I miss that if I'm traveling). I could probably do more, and probably should, but my recovery's pretty solid now and I've been sober almost eight years.

People relapse after decades of sobriety. If you can't handle the POSSIBILITY of relapse, you'd probably be better off in another relationship (none of which come with guarantees something bad won't happen).

A "boundary" that consists of insisting someone else do certain things to make you feel better is not a boundary--it is flat-out control. If you feel like she isn't getting better, or is headed toward picking up a drink again, and it makes you uncomfortable and anxious, do yourselves both a favor and let her go. Focusing on your own needs in the relationship is far more likely to bring you happiness than holding onto one where you've constantly on edge.

schnappi99

I made the mistake of grandly imposing the self-righteous "if you ever do this again I'm asking you to leave" speech when the big night occurred, which was effectively ramming her face in the mess like one might try to train a puppy. I've since apologized for that and am trying to "practice these principles" as per Alaon wrt to her. Nowadays my boundary is only that I cannot live with active addiction. If things turned into that again, either she or I will have to move out and our daughter stays with me and I'm committed to fair joint custody as part of the separation in the meantime. So my boundary is only about what I will do. BUT before I must be prepared to act if it happens.

Developing a boundary and getting it so its not about manipulation or anger or resentment takes a while, I would suggest holding off on thinking one up and sticking it to her until you have some recovery yourself. I certainly should have.. it took me about a year of Alanon stepwork to get far enough out of my own head and off her back to think up the one above. Before then it was all about what she needed to be doing or not doing == selfishness on my part.

redatlanta

Well you don't really want to insist upon her to do something she already knows she should be doing. You might get action without sincerity. It's better to sit back and watch at this point rather than direct the play.

You are in limbo which is a bad place to be. I recommend you get your own counseling about this. You may have some PTSD issues having dealt with what sounds like near death experience with her alcoholism.

As I said in your other thread I think it would be wise to wait a full year and then move toward a decision. There will.l never be guarantee she won't relapse, but there is probability based on her recovery process. When someone has been sober a while they may not go to meetings often. In her case lack of a sponsor is disconcerting. I do think telling her she needs to get one is an ultimatum.

atalose

Meetings and having a sponsor doesn’t insure that relapse won’t happen. Part of choosing to live a life with an alcoholic should include the acceptance that relapse can happen at any time because they will forever be one bad decision away from drinking.

honeypig

My understanding has been that a boundary is about what actions you will take to protect yourself, not about what the other person must do to make you happy (well, b/c how on earth would we enforce the latter thing, right?)

I also understand that boundaries are to be extremely clear, and "working a program more actively" is open to a whole lot of interpretation. What exactly would that mean?

I'd agree that this seems to be more about rules and control than boundaries, at this point.

Just a shot in the dark: It sounds like you've been thru the wringer w/your A and could possibly be looking for a reason to end things, or at least take a break. Sometimes we set up "rules" so we can say "look, you broke the rules, now I'm justified in leaving/divorcing/whatever." You don't need to answer here, but maybe just consider whether you're looking for that one big reason to be done. And don't get me wrong, this is not necessarily a bad thing, and it SURE isn't an unusual thing! Just something to consider.

Praying

What I've found--after finally making it to the other side with my own recovery--is that any time I need to ask if it's a boundary vs an attempt to control--it's the latter.

And I reverted to control under the guise of boundaries because I wasn't yet ready to admit to myself (and others) that my real boundary was that I didn't like the situation and didn't want to be in it. Saying that out loud seemed selfish and judgy.

A boundary empowers and feels good. It's a recognition of how I want to live and what I will do to get there regardless of others' behaviors. Control feels out of control, and like I'm hinging my life and future on something I just can't quite control...

jada1981

Freshstart1, I posted a similar post months ago when I was struggling because I did not feel STBXAH was taking recovery seriously. People on here responded to me, asking how I would I ever be sure he had a sponsor and was working the steps? Would I call his sponsor to find out?

And besides that, even if he is attending the number of meetings I think he should, working the steps, etc., there's no guarantee that his attitude and demeanor will change. Even if he's not drinking, he still has emotional issues that make him difficult to live with.

To me, a boundary is something I will do to protect myself when I am exposed to behavior I find unacceptable. And often, the A doesn't even need to know the boundary. I was talking to my therapist about boundaries, and divorce is an extreme boundary. But she gave me this example: Let's say someone you're seeing is chronically late and you don't like it. So, a boundary in this case would be to tell the person "your lateness doesn't work for me." I wouldn't be telling them what to do about it, but just letting them know it's not acceptable to me. That's something I keep in mind...a boundary is not for me to tell the other person what he/she should do...but to protect myself.

teatreeoil007

I liken this to the being assertive vs. aggressive scenario...

With assertiveness you should stick with "I" statements instead or "you", such as "I feel _______ when you ________ because _______".

With boundary work it's a similar principle. Stick to the "I" mentality. What will you DO if such and such happens? What is your OWN plan? And, as others have said, you don't necessarily need to share your plan or personal boundaries with her, but do need to have it for yourself. It's important for a recovering addict to know what their triggers are and to have a plan to deal with triggers when they arise; knowing they cannot ALWAYS control when or how a trigger may come up. That takes boundary work on the addict's part. Knowing if they can or cannot be around certain things for example. Dealing with stress and pressure; setting limits. If something stresses a person out too much, that is a common trigger.

Having a newly recovering addict in your life is NOT easy for sure and naturally you worry and wonder if this is going to stick and for how long. This worry does create STRESS for you, so part of your own recovery is learning how to deal with stress too.

Sometimes it is simply a matter of SETTING LIMITS with others in our lives or they will suck the living daylights out of you.

NYCDoglvr

I understand your concern. Of course it's her choice to stay sober or not.

I suggest having a conversation and voicing your concerns. Phrase it as "I feel, I fear...." but not "you should". Don't try to tell her what to do. This way you'll maintain boundaries. Good luck!

healthyagain

When you set that boundary, do you have any expectations for the other side? Do you think your boundary is going to influence how they behave? Because if it really is a boundary, it should matter to you only

For me in the end it became, "if he does this one more time, I will . . . " And it was irrelevant whether he knew my intentions or not. It was my boundary, he crossed it, and there was action.