Upteenth breakup and still so sad....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 55
HardLessons,
Good morning. How are you today?
No, my addict is not in recovery. He's said many times he's going to come off everything but he's never sought help. While he may want to be off drugs, he's too messed up now to stop. It's not just the drug taking, it's the whole process of it. It's his way of life and he's got too many problems that I don't think he could face without the drugs. His family only tolerate him and he knows it. All his real friends have gone. His life consists of junkies, that's it.
He's only on methadone as this saves him money. He manages perfectly well to get high on other stuff. One day when I was down I took him to the chemist for his methadone. On the way back to the house we stopped so he could go and take heroin. We just got back in the house and h was injecting crack. He'd had a load of Valium the night before and ended up in a real bad state - hallucinating, it just wasn't nice to see. That was the day we stopped at a shop and when I was paying for my things, a member of staff came up and told him he had items down his trousers he had to pay for - rather, I had to pay for. I was mortified.
Yeah, their active addicts and from the sounds of both yours and mine, they're stating that way. I think that even if they did rehab, they'd relapse. It's the demons in their head - it's too much for them and in my ones case, I think it would be like too much hard work to face up to everything. Taking drugs to blot it all out is easier.
Good morning. How are you today?
No, my addict is not in recovery. He's said many times he's going to come off everything but he's never sought help. While he may want to be off drugs, he's too messed up now to stop. It's not just the drug taking, it's the whole process of it. It's his way of life and he's got too many problems that I don't think he could face without the drugs. His family only tolerate him and he knows it. All his real friends have gone. His life consists of junkies, that's it.
He's only on methadone as this saves him money. He manages perfectly well to get high on other stuff. One day when I was down I took him to the chemist for his methadone. On the way back to the house we stopped so he could go and take heroin. We just got back in the house and h was injecting crack. He'd had a load of Valium the night before and ended up in a real bad state - hallucinating, it just wasn't nice to see. That was the day we stopped at a shop and when I was paying for my things, a member of staff came up and told him he had items down his trousers he had to pay for - rather, I had to pay for. I was mortified.
Yeah, their active addicts and from the sounds of both yours and mine, they're stating that way. I think that even if they did rehab, they'd relapse. It's the demons in their head - it's too much for them and in my ones case, I think it would be like too much hard work to face up to everything. Taking drugs to blot it all out is easier.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 55
Sorry, I've pressed submit again too soon.
I agree with you that there has to be something wrong with us to be wanting someone like them in our lives. They're damaged and they're way beyond any help we can give them. I think we need to start liking ourselves a bit more. We are all clever, kind, good people who deserve more in our lives than that.
I hope you're good today and I must start reading messages back before I submit as I noticed yesterday I said no mopping rather than no moping. The mopping was on Friday when I did my cleaning 😀 Take care.
I agree with you that there has to be something wrong with us to be wanting someone like them in our lives. They're damaged and they're way beyond any help we can give them. I think we need to start liking ourselves a bit more. We are all clever, kind, good people who deserve more in our lives than that.
I hope you're good today and I must start reading messages back before I submit as I noticed yesterday I said no mopping rather than no moping. The mopping was on Friday when I did my cleaning 😀 Take care.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by Lisapurdue 
Tonight I am feeling such sadness, heavy heartbreaking sadness. I can't wait until tomorrow.
My night last night was also difficult. I can go quickly from thinking its ok this is for the best its the right thing to do - to anger - to resentment - & then tears because of how much I miss her.
I don't try to suppress those feelings. I just let them flow. Certainly just more indications of just how messed up this all is.
Your in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by Cody11
HardLessons,
Good morning. How are you today?
No, my addict is not in recovery. He's said many times he's going to come off everything but he's never sought help. While he may want to be off drugs, he's too messed up now to stop. It's not just the drug taking, it's the whole process of it. It's his way of life and he's got too many problems that I don't think he could face without the drugs. His family only tolerate him and he knows it. All his real friends have gone. His life consists of junkies, that's it.
He's only on methadone as this saves him money. He manages perfectly well to get high on other stuff. One day when I was down I took him to the chemist for his methadone. On the way back to the house we stopped so he could go and take heroin. We just got back in the house and h was injecting crack. He'd had a load of Valium the night before and ended up in a real bad state - hallucinating, it just wasn't nice to see. That was the day we stopped at a shop and when I was paying for my things, a member of staff came up and told him he had items down his trousers he had to pay for - rather, I had to pay for. I was mortified.
Yeah, their active addicts and from the sounds of both yours and mine, they're stating that way. I think that even if they did rehab, they'd relapse. It's the demons in their head - it's too much for them and in my ones case, I think it would be like too much hard work to face up to everything. Taking drugs to blot it all out is easier.
Good morning. How are you today?
No, my addict is not in recovery. He's said many times he's going to come off everything but he's never sought help. While he may want to be off drugs, he's too messed up now to stop. It's not just the drug taking, it's the whole process of it. It's his way of life and he's got too many problems that I don't think he could face without the drugs. His family only tolerate him and he knows it. All his real friends have gone. His life consists of junkies, that's it.
He's only on methadone as this saves him money. He manages perfectly well to get high on other stuff. One day when I was down I took him to the chemist for his methadone. On the way back to the house we stopped so he could go and take heroin. We just got back in the house and h was injecting crack. He'd had a load of Valium the night before and ended up in a real bad state - hallucinating, it just wasn't nice to see. That was the day we stopped at a shop and when I was paying for my things, a member of staff came up and told him he had items down his trousers he had to pay for - rather, I had to pay for. I was mortified.
Yeah, their active addicts and from the sounds of both yours and mine, they're stating that way. I think that even if they did rehab, they'd relapse. It's the demons in their head - it's too much for them and in my ones case, I think it would be like too much hard work to face up to everything. Taking drugs to blot it all out is easier.
You made one interesting point (you made more than one but one really stood out) you said he's only on methadone to save money.
Could very well be why my addict is on methadone now. It wasn't the case when she first got on it. There were specific reasons why she first got on it. She told me all about that time in her life. She has zero plan concerning methadone maintenance. She is on a high daily dose. She just goes through the motions concerning the clinic.
Its all such a mess The crazy things they do which became normal to us. I cant relate to normal anymore Not sure I even know what normal is? She & her life is my normal.
We seem able to recognize this problem & describe it in words. We can describe in words what we need to do. That all is an important step.
Question becomes how do we actually go about doing what we need to do. How do we solve this major problem long term.
I'm glad your sharing your experiences with me. It helps me. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Lisa & Cody
As to the question of why our addicts, after having long term relationships with them, no longer want to be with us, don't talk to us & reject us:
Its because at this point in our relationship with them we are party downers. We are spoiling the party. What is the party - living their addictive lifestyle.
I heavily over the course of years facilitated the party. Why don't I hear from her? There must not be a major crisis at hand. She knows based on the fact that I haven't contacted her for weeks that a contact on her part will be a party downer. She doesn't want to deal with that. If a major crisis hit, a crisis that in itself will be a party downer - then she will reach out to me because the party is being spoiled anyway.
We are all party downers. Unless they are in true recovery (it doesn't appear any of them are) their primary focus is the continuation of the party.
Make sense or not?
As to the question of why our addicts, after having long term relationships with them, no longer want to be with us, don't talk to us & reject us:
Its because at this point in our relationship with them we are party downers. We are spoiling the party. What is the party - living their addictive lifestyle.
I heavily over the course of years facilitated the party. Why don't I hear from her? There must not be a major crisis at hand. She knows based on the fact that I haven't contacted her for weeks that a contact on her part will be a party downer. She doesn't want to deal with that. If a major crisis hit, a crisis that in itself will be a party downer - then she will reach out to me because the party is being spoiled anyway.
We are all party downers. Unless they are in true recovery (it doesn't appear any of them are) their primary focus is the continuation of the party.
Make sense or not?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
When we become party downers it messes us up too. At various times during our relationships with the addicts we get overloaded & become party downers. We voice our dislike for the party.
When this happens we get all out of sorts. Why? Because we are addicted to the addicts. We are also just like them addicted to the party. When we become party downers like now, we are like fish out of water. We need the party just like our addicts do. The party became our norm - our need. Without the party we are all messed up.
When we go along with the party & facilitate the party that's when our relationship with the addict in our life is at its best. I'm not saying its a healthy relationship. I'm not saying a lot of crazy stuff isn't happening. But it is when the relationship is at its best.
When this happens we get all out of sorts. Why? Because we are addicted to the addicts. We are also just like them addicted to the party. When we become party downers like now, we are like fish out of water. We need the party just like our addicts do. The party became our norm - our need. Without the party we are all messed up.
When we go along with the party & facilitate the party that's when our relationship with the addict in our life is at its best. I'm not saying its a healthy relationship. I'm not saying a lot of crazy stuff isn't happening. But it is when the relationship is at its best.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 55
I think most addicts take methadone as it's as I said - saves money and then of course they become addicted to that. That's not to take away from those who are on a programme who seriously want to come off heroin.
All we can do is take each day at a time, hopefully getting stronger day by day. However, I think we need to work on ourselves as to why we see us as deserving of this? Why really would anyone in their normal mind actually want this as a relationship?? I know now that I don't think I will ever be able to trust ever again. This whole experience has left me feeling worthless. I'll never know if someone else will be telling me the truth or has an ulterior motive. An experience like ours leaves you feeling so very insecure.
I think for all of us it's a case of "but s/he can be great and yes they can but it's not enough. It's unrealistic to want a good honest relationship with them. They're downright nasty people and we forgive or try to explain the behaviour away, all the time feeling uneasy, anxious and deeply unhappy. But hey, when they act like you're the best person in the world, it's sooo good and we just want them to be like that all the time so if it's going to take us giving them money/cars/shopping, paying to go to the pictures, paying for a meal out then we will keep doing it so we can have their "love". That's where the article on emotional manipulation really comes into play. I've also been reading articles about how they keep you in line by giving you the silent treatment and it's so true - unanswered texts when there's no need for it - all to show who's boss and by doing this they keep you desperate for more. Unbelievable when you see everyone as decent, kind and logical as ourselves.
I think as more time goes by, we get more clarity on the situation. You said we spoil the party in some way. I'll go with that. I'll say it again (sorry) that the texts and calls stopped the day I actually just ignored his texts looking for money so he'd be ok to have his girls. Now that really was manipulation at work. In his mind I know how much they mean to him and I had the ability to help him have his girls and I didn't do it - how dare I? I have no doubt that despite his messages on Thursday, he'll try contacting me again at some point.
We really all do deserve more than this. Much more. I think we are also mourning what we would like it to be, we had such high hopes that came crashing down. No, enough is enough. Life's too short and we're too good to have this crap in our lives.
All we can do is take each day at a time, hopefully getting stronger day by day. However, I think we need to work on ourselves as to why we see us as deserving of this? Why really would anyone in their normal mind actually want this as a relationship?? I know now that I don't think I will ever be able to trust ever again. This whole experience has left me feeling worthless. I'll never know if someone else will be telling me the truth or has an ulterior motive. An experience like ours leaves you feeling so very insecure.
I think for all of us it's a case of "but s/he can be great and yes they can but it's not enough. It's unrealistic to want a good honest relationship with them. They're downright nasty people and we forgive or try to explain the behaviour away, all the time feeling uneasy, anxious and deeply unhappy. But hey, when they act like you're the best person in the world, it's sooo good and we just want them to be like that all the time so if it's going to take us giving them money/cars/shopping, paying to go to the pictures, paying for a meal out then we will keep doing it so we can have their "love". That's where the article on emotional manipulation really comes into play. I've also been reading articles about how they keep you in line by giving you the silent treatment and it's so true - unanswered texts when there's no need for it - all to show who's boss and by doing this they keep you desperate for more. Unbelievable when you see everyone as decent, kind and logical as ourselves.
I think as more time goes by, we get more clarity on the situation. You said we spoil the party in some way. I'll go with that. I'll say it again (sorry) that the texts and calls stopped the day I actually just ignored his texts looking for money so he'd be ok to have his girls. Now that really was manipulation at work. In his mind I know how much they mean to him and I had the ability to help him have his girls and I didn't do it - how dare I? I have no doubt that despite his messages on Thursday, he'll try contacting me again at some point.
We really all do deserve more than this. Much more. I think we are also mourning what we would like it to be, we had such high hopes that came crashing down. No, enough is enough. Life's too short and we're too good to have this crap in our lives.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Cody
I don't miss the bad times I had with her & there were many.
There is a lot I do miss about her. I miss looking into her eyes. I miss seeing her smile. I miss feeling her small hand in mine.
At times she would look & act like a very young person. Maybe something like mid late teens. At that time she looked very innocent. There was a natural happiness to that young girl look. I loved that look.
At other times she looked old & worn from her life experiences way beyond her age. I usually felt sorry for her when I saw that. I knew what it was from.
There were other times when she looked scary. Came across like the terminator. I didn't even know who that person was. Didn't like being around that person. When she was like that normally she would jump in the car quickly & have to run off somewhere. If she said where she was going (if) it never made sense. If she texted me later & said what she did it never made sense.
As far as trust goes - I know I will never put much trust in words alone. I will look closely at actions. If those actions are good for me, only then would I trust in the words.
In my relationship with my addict she spoke & typed (text & email) countless I mean volumes of words. There were times when her actions were consistent with her words. But there were many other times when her actions (or lack there of) were totally inconsistent with her words.
I hope you have the best day possible.
I don't miss the bad times I had with her & there were many.
There is a lot I do miss about her. I miss looking into her eyes. I miss seeing her smile. I miss feeling her small hand in mine.
At times she would look & act like a very young person. Maybe something like mid late teens. At that time she looked very innocent. There was a natural happiness to that young girl look. I loved that look.
At other times she looked old & worn from her life experiences way beyond her age. I usually felt sorry for her when I saw that. I knew what it was from.
There were other times when she looked scary. Came across like the terminator. I didn't even know who that person was. Didn't like being around that person. When she was like that normally she would jump in the car quickly & have to run off somewhere. If she said where she was going (if) it never made sense. If she texted me later & said what she did it never made sense.
As far as trust goes - I know I will never put much trust in words alone. I will look closely at actions. If those actions are good for me, only then would I trust in the words.
In my relationship with my addict she spoke & typed (text & email) countless I mean volumes of words. There were times when her actions were consistent with her words. But there were many other times when her actions (or lack there of) were totally inconsistent with her words.
I hope you have the best day possible.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
“Many of the people I’ve worked with in family groups have been that obsessed with people they care about. When I asked them what they were feeling, they told me what the other person was feeling. When I asked what they did, they told me what the other person had done. Their entire focus was on someone or something other than themselves. Some of them had spent years of their lives doing this—worrying about, reacting to, and trying to control other human beings. They were shells, sometimes almost invisible shells, of people. Their energy was depleted—directed at someone else. They couldn’t tell me what they were feeling and thinking because they didn’t know. Their focus was not on themselves.”
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
theres a crapton of time being wasted talking about the addict.
congratulations on letting them STILL have power over you
i hope ALL of you decide to start lookin at
why did i allow it? why am i a friggin mess still giving the addict control? WTF is wrong with ME!!!!
btw- youre not party downers. youre as sick as them
congratulations on letting them STILL have power over you
i hope ALL of you decide to start lookin at
why did i allow it? why am i a friggin mess still giving the addict control? WTF is wrong with ME!!!!
btw- youre not party downers. youre as sick as them
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 55
Hi tomsteve,
This is the first, and only, time I've been involved with an addict. It's only be reading posts and articles that I'm learning all about them. I had no idea of the way heroin changes brain function etc.
I can see now the manipulation that was at work and yes I am asking why I allowed myself to get into such a mess.
This has all come to a head recently so everything is very raw. These forums are about getting support from people who have either been through similar or are going through similar so we are all just sharing our experiences.
Like any relationship, it's difficult when it ends, even although it's the best thing that could happen.
There's loads of different emotions and we are all just sharing our stories, getting strength from those in the same boat.
This is the first, and only, time I've been involved with an addict. It's only be reading posts and articles that I'm learning all about them. I had no idea of the way heroin changes brain function etc.
I can see now the manipulation that was at work and yes I am asking why I allowed myself to get into such a mess.
This has all come to a head recently so everything is very raw. These forums are about getting support from people who have either been through similar or are going through similar so we are all just sharing our experiences.
Like any relationship, it's difficult when it ends, even although it's the best thing that could happen.
There's loads of different emotions and we are all just sharing our stories, getting strength from those in the same boat.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i found this in an old thread here
I am your friend
I am your friend, the only true companion you have.
I am with you when you are lonely;
I am with you when you are sad.
I am with you when you feel withdrawn and when the world is cruel.
I hide the heckler's words and block the missiles thrown in ignorance and anger.
I shelter you from the storms and I shield you from your fears.
I am your friend. I walk with you daily and live in your thoughts.
I feed off your failures, I revel in your guilt.
I thrive on your shame and dance with your deceit.
I keep you in darkness and take pleasure in your pain.
I delight in your loneliness and wallow in your sins.
I laugh when you flounder and strike when you stumble.
I am your friend.
I relish in your anger and worship in your pride.
I feed off your compulsion and dwell in your isolation.
I am familiar with your weaknesses and abuse your denial.
I treasure your resentment and take comfort in your depression.
I am your friend
My name is "Your Disease."
I am your friend. I hold out my hand and bring you faith.
I award you serenity and self-esteem.
I bestow upon you peace and acceptance.
I wrap you in love and tender the shield of knowledge.
I volunteer humility and shower you with confidence.
I bequeath spiritual growth, emotional advancement and physical revival.
I am your friend; I will lead you out of the darkness into the light.
I will carry you when you are weak and escort you through honesty.
I will provide tools for the battles and binding for your wounds.
I am your friend. I will teach you abstinence and release you from burden.
I will initiate forgiveness and I will foster willingness.
I will nurture ambition and claim back your life.
I am your friend.
My name is "Recovery."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________
when i stopped living in the problem and began living in the solution, the problem went away.
i was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma. started studying up on it. found a support group to share experiences with.
can ya believe that didnt TREAT the melanoma!?!?!?!
just gave me a headful of information and a body full of melanoma
I am your friend
I am your friend, the only true companion you have.
I am with you when you are lonely;
I am with you when you are sad.
I am with you when you feel withdrawn and when the world is cruel.
I hide the heckler's words and block the missiles thrown in ignorance and anger.
I shelter you from the storms and I shield you from your fears.
I am your friend. I walk with you daily and live in your thoughts.
I feed off your failures, I revel in your guilt.
I thrive on your shame and dance with your deceit.
I keep you in darkness and take pleasure in your pain.
I delight in your loneliness and wallow in your sins.
I laugh when you flounder and strike when you stumble.
I am your friend.
I relish in your anger and worship in your pride.
I feed off your compulsion and dwell in your isolation.
I am familiar with your weaknesses and abuse your denial.
I treasure your resentment and take comfort in your depression.
I am your friend
My name is "Your Disease."
I am your friend. I hold out my hand and bring you faith.
I award you serenity and self-esteem.
I bestow upon you peace and acceptance.
I wrap you in love and tender the shield of knowledge.
I volunteer humility and shower you with confidence.
I bequeath spiritual growth, emotional advancement and physical revival.
I am your friend; I will lead you out of the darkness into the light.
I will carry you when you are weak and escort you through honesty.
I will provide tools for the battles and binding for your wounds.
I am your friend. I will teach you abstinence and release you from burden.
I will initiate forgiveness and I will foster willingness.
I will nurture ambition and claim back your life.
I am your friend.
My name is "Recovery."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________
when i stopped living in the problem and began living in the solution, the problem went away.
i was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma. started studying up on it. found a support group to share experiences with.
can ya believe that didnt TREAT the melanoma!?!?!?!
just gave me a headful of information and a body full of melanoma
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
TS
Thank you for your meaningful. Information. Thank you for taking time to find & post it
You are right in what you said. I don't take exception to any of it
I did set an appointment with a therapist. I know I need help. It took me years to tecognize that I even had a problem let alone recognize I needed help
Thank you for caring & trying to help someone you don't even know
Thank you for your meaningful. Information. Thank you for taking time to find & post it
You are right in what you said. I don't take exception to any of it
I did set an appointment with a therapist. I know I need help. It took me years to tecognize that I even had a problem let alone recognize I needed help
Thank you for caring & trying to help someone you don't even know
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 31
Hi everyone...just checking in to see how everyone is coping...I continue to do ok, some really sad moments but realize I am beginning to see the light of this. I do struggle with whether he is clean and letting us go or if he is relapsing big time...have had no contact so have no idea. I don't think I ever really faced the magnitude of addiction this man struggles with. I really don't ever want to know...I just know that I cannot live like this anymore...no trust, feeling insecure in my decisions and wants for this relationship, my hopes for our future are grim and I'm tired. Ready to say goodbye now, but so heavy with sadness. I feel like I'm not even dealing with the same person..he's like a completely different man. So very sad...
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 52
Clarification?
Originally Posted by Cody11
One day when I was down I took him to the chemist for his methadone. On the way back to the house we stopped so he could go and take heroin.
( Just asking because in my head that was the way it read.)
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 55
Frustrated47
On the way back from the chemist he asked me to stop at his friends. I knew what he'd be doing no matter what he said and he admitted it. As soon as we got back to his, we was asking his neighbour if she had a crack pipe - she didn't do he disappeared into the bathroom to inject it. Hope this clarifies things.
On the way back from the chemist he asked me to stop at his friends. I knew what he'd be doing no matter what he said and he admitted it. As soon as we got back to his, we was asking his neighbour if she had a crack pipe - she didn't do he disappeared into the bathroom to inject it. Hope this clarifies things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Cody11
Frustrated47
On the way back from the chemist he asked me to stop at his friends. I knew what he'd be doing no matter what he said and he admitted it. As soon as we got back to his, we was asking his neighbour if she had a crack pipe - she didn't do he disappeared into the bathroom to inject it. Hope this clarifies things.
On the way back from the chemist he asked me to stop at his friends. I knew what he'd be doing no matter what he said and he admitted it. As soon as we got back to his, we was asking his neighbour if she had a crack pipe - she didn't do he disappeared into the bathroom to inject it. Hope this clarifies things.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 55
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for your message. Yeah I feel pretty bad, especially as he's just turned so nasty without any need for it. He once told me he'd burned his bridges with near enough anyone and things are bad with his family so why h
Thanks for your message. Yeah I feel pretty bad, especially as he's just turned so nasty without any need for it. He once told me he'd burned his bridges with near enough anyone and things are bad with his family so why h
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