Lisapurdue

God, I think I am discovering that I feel towards this man the way he feels towards his drugs. Tonight my mother got very sick and my father called me in a panic, I got in the car and went straight over. Once she was settled I went back home to get some things so I could stay the night with them. Here she is so ill and all I can do is get to my phone to see if I've gotten a text. How pathetic I have become.

HardLessons

I just got up a bit ago first thing I had to do this morning before absolutely anything is check my phone for possible text message contact which I don't really want to get.

All remains quiet though Today starts week 4

Cody11

Hi Lisa and hardlessons,

It truly is amazing the way our addicts get to us. If this was a friend of mine going through it I'd think she was mad for wanting someone so destructive in her life, yet here we are finding it so difficult to move on.

I could bear it no more - I texted my ex yesterday because it was driving me crazy not knowing just what was going on. I asked him what was with the speaking/not speaking and that all was great the last time I saw him and the last time we spoke all was good. I could a reply saying "listen it's over yeah" I replied saying I knew it was but I couldn't believe he had no remorse/conscience at what he's done. His reply was to never contact him again or he will speak to the police and to leave him alone. He then sent a message saying bye and I replied bye. Then I get a message saying no contact, I mean it. When we split up for a time last year I got a text message from him out the blue saying please don't contact me again. I had no intentions of doing so and I never. 5 days later I get a message from him saying how are you, I need to at least know. When we got back together he admitted that he hadn't meant no contact and asked why I hadn't been in touch!!!!! My heads all over the place with it all. Yesterday was a total over-reaction to one text message. Considering that I hadn't tried contacting him and he was the one to phone me weeks later making sure I had his new number just mystifies me.

Lisa, I hope you're mum is ok and don't beat yourself up about just wanting a text from him. That's exactly the way I am. It's all consuming, they are the only thing you can think about. You have to be going through this to understand. I have finally blocked his number. I was literally doing nothing all day but wait for his text/ring tone and that's crazy. I hadnt showered since Monday but after last night I thought, I can't keep doing this. I have to get on with making my life happy and be a success - the best revenge. I have his debt to pay and I need to try and get savings back. Losing my job through him has been hard too. I found a new job but they found out about my last job and what happened and they asked me to leave. I'm now training to be a driving instructor - something completely different to what I was doing so I need to get back to my study units. Wimbledon starts on Monday which I love and of course, having a Scotsman as world no. 1 is fantastic so I am looking forward to that.

I hope you're both staying strong. It can be so hard getting through every day. The day can be so long - the nights and weekends even more so. Keep speaking on here and who knows one day we all might decide to meet up somewhere. I'm thousands of miles away but it could always be an excuse for a trip! Stay strong both.

HardLessons

Cody

I'm glad to see your post. Meaning your still alive & kicking

Your exabf. Is clearly showing off his addictive thought process. Maybe you needed one last good dose of it. To finally break free

Please don't allow your addict to control you. You. (Also Lisa &. myself). Deserve. So much better Treatment

I know clearly at this point. It is less painful & stressful To be no contact with my addict. Than it is to be with her. I do love her & miss her terribly but I'm better off no contact

Yes every day. Night. Weekends are difficult to get through. I don't think too far ahead

I will think of you. Take care

Ariesagain

Here's an article on intermittent reinforcement...it maybe helps if you understand why you're so hooked in and in withdrawal right now?

(The article title talks about psychopaths, not addicts, but the effect is the same.)

The Most Powerful Motivator on the Planet ~ Intermittent Reinforcement | Psychopaths and Love

Cody11

Hi hardlessons.

I feel so much better today. I'm still a bit sad but do feel stronger. I've cleaned the house and been out and about today. I did my hair and makeup again and felt so much better. Saw an ex who said I was looking great so that was a nice ego boost and just the right time. I hope you're good. Look how good we are doing - as hard as it is we are getting through each day and before we know it, it will be a year from now and we will be amazed at how far we have come. Keep staying strong.

Ariesagain - thank you for that post. You would never know that that wasn't being written about addicts. It was amazing reading it and checking through the 20 signs of manipulation I found that 17 apply to me. I know what he's doing and I would also bet every penny I had - if he'd left me with any money that is - that he will try phoning/texting a few weeks down the line. I have every text message he's ever sent and it's amazing the amount of times he just stopped speaking to me then start again a few days later. Until youve been through this you can't explain it. Thanks again for sending the link.

Lisapurdue

Hi everybody...got up today still no text but happy to say my mom is good today (she had a hip replacement 3 wks ago)..had a reaction to the pain medication and was so very sick. Anyways, haven't received anything from him but having this site has gotten me through some desperate moments. I'm so glad I'm moving forward. I am watching the best thing on YouTube. I'd like to share...it's really been helpful, although long..

https://youtu.be/CqoGSnWVyw4

HardLessons

Ariesagain

Thank you so much for posting the link to that article. I read it carefully. It fits my relationship with my addict perfectly. All of it fit.

It made me wonder if she knew she was manipulating me in that way & did it on purpose? Or is it more that's the way she is?

HardLessons

Lisa & Cody

We are getting through this one way shape or another. Even if it gets ugly. We are going to make it to the other side. Not exactly sure how but we are making it.

Cody11

HardLessons,

Yes, we are going to be ok, the resilience in us will get us through this extremely dark and difficult time.

My imagination is now running riot and I'm imagining he's somehow ok, has met someone else and all is good. I know logically this is hardly unlikely. He lives 20 miles from me and it's a smallish town where he's lived all his life and everyone knows him so I would imagine women know to stay well away. I also keep reading the posts of how addicts can't truly love and no relationship would be normal and healthy but it does bother me that he could be with someone else and it was something about me that caused him to treat me badly but he will be great with someone new. I'm pretty sure I'm being illogical but imagination is a powerful thing. I am really struggling to understand why he's been so nasty with no reason to be. I just haven't done anything to warrant it but then I'm thinking he's like us and I know he's not. This guy has so many demons, that he admits too. Oh, I just don't know what to think!!!! I just don't get why he suddenly wants nothing to do with me when I've been the only person making sure he's ok but it is strange that he's stopped speaking/turned nasty after I never gave him that money so he could be ok to see his daughters (if indeed he was).

Anyway, dog has had a long walk early this morning, my exercises are done and hair and make-up all good. I'm going out this afternoon and going to my sisters for tea so no mopping today. I just wish I could erase my mind. Yesterday I hardly gave him a thought, today I'm in danger of it being all consuming again. It really is a kind of torture.

Hope you and you Lisa are good and staying strong. I'm not sure about time difference - it's 11.40am here but I hope you manage to enjoy your weekends.

HardLessons

Cody

He is an active addict that's what active addicts do. I know all of it intimately. Been through it all for three years. I experienced it all in my face type of stuff.

Their thought process is all messed up. They don't think logically. You cant reason with him. Ask me how I know - trust me I lived it. Your looking for logical answers as to why. I too get stuck on this notion of why. I could tell you a 100 why's that I think about. The only answer I can come up with for all of them is "addiction"

I also think about she is having fun without me in her life. Yes she is partying. I know it. She always did. But I also know that when the party stops or winds down, her life is a mess & she knows it. She has confided in me the dark side of it all. She never admits she has a problem. But she knows its a mess. She holds on tightly to her denial.

Glad to hear your getting on with your day with a positive attitude. Yes will have many ups & downs. I haven't gotten to an up day yet. I'm working on it.

Cody11

HardLessons,

Thanks for replying. I'm just finding it all very hard to come to terms with. It's funny, and I don't know if this is the norm or not, but I can go through thinking things like - "but my addict didn't seem that bad that he can't think logically," and other similar thoughts. I'm sure it's because I'm thinking it's me, there has to be something wrong with me. I'm overthinking and imagining too much. I can also think things like other people's addicts are maybe worse than mine when I know that despite being on a methadone programme he was taking everything he could and he has for years and I don't ever see it changing.

An up day is on its way for you, keep believing.

HardLessons

Yes its all very difficult to comes to terms with.

Yes I have read a lot of stories concerning addicts which are worse than mine. Mine is really bad knocked me on my butt many times. Fed up my entire personal life. Because theirs are worse it doesn't make mine (or yours) not bad.

There is something wrong with you & me. I fully recognize there is something very wrong with me. We have been altered or touched by the world of addiction.

My addict is in a methadone clinic program. Has been for several years. If recovery looks like recovery - my addict is not in recovery. Is yours? Mine drinks alcohol all day & night. She told me its her only vice (which isn't true) & she likes the buzz. She never talked about recovery or any plan to get off methadone. She has no take homes except the one day Sunday the clinic is closed. Why no take homes?

Once she got on methadone, she never admitted to me about taking other drugs. She told me she cant get high on other drugs because she is on methadone. She said she doesn't do any other drugs ever. But she drinks all day long - alcohol is a drug no? She once offered to give me copies of her clinic drug tests so I could see she is not taking other drugs. I said yes id like to see them. I'm still waiting to see those drug tests - that was two years ago.

You & I both think at times "oh its not really that bad" Ive gone through that thinking a 100 times over three years. That's our denial kicking in. Fooling ourselves. I have fooled myself for way too long. Its bad maybe not as bad as others have it but still bad.

If its not so bad then why are we here now? What brings us here? Why are our lives all messed up? My life is messed up.

We cant change them. I tried hard to change her. I did change her entire life. From the outside its totally different. I naively thought that it would make a difference. She never changed one little bit. Nothing! She got worse. The car she is driving is really very nice compared to when I first met her. Over the past three months she treated me worse. She was acting very erratic.

I've read on other forums about a lot of drug use while on methadone maintenance. Tales of scoring while waiting in line at the clinic. A line made up of tons of addicts. I'm not saying MMT is bad. But there is a lot of room for abuse.

If your ExABF is mixing other drugs with methadone he is not in recovery. He is an active addict. Mine is an active addict. Its so painful for me to even type that.

In spite of everything I wrote above, I love her way more than I love myself. I'm going to continue to love her but from a far distance. Will always love her & care.

Lisapurdue

Good morning everyone....I had a restless sleep last night interrupted by many thoughts as to why I haven't heard from my ex. Wanted to text sooooo badly but glad that feeling fled and I didn't text in the end. The fact these people make us feel this bad is a terrible sign in itself. Maybe we do have issues, some things we need to work on but feeling like this in any kind of friendship is absolutely wrong. A strong couple feels secure, safe, there's kindness, consistency, intimacy, but most of all trust. The longer you stay trying to make something work that's near impossible, the longer you take away from your own healing and getting to a place where you have a chance for something healthy. Once you have taken the strong steps to move forward, you will look back and be so thankful. I am a nurse, have university degree and have raised a little girl pretty much all on my own except for the help of my very supportive parents. I work full time, give my daughter all that I can and have very little time to myself. The time I do have, I have spent trying to convince this guy that we are worth his time and focus. He has proven time and time again that we are not. I look at myself, I'm 43 years old, and something had to change. I still have high hopes for a healthy relationship one day, to spend time with someone who equal wants to spend it with me. I can't make my ex love me any more that he may or may not, I cannot force him to be the man I want him to be, I can't keep trying to make myself look valuable to him, and most of all I cannot keep keeping tabs on his every move to make sure he is not doing drugs or in contact with a woman who smokes crack on a regular basis. I look at what I've written here and it makes me sad. So sad that I have actually settled for this. when I feel like texting, I turn to you guys, it's been way more productive than sending him a text. When I get through this this time, I hope you all know how important you have become to my progress and we'll being. I hope you all have a good day, one with few anxious thoughts and desperate moments..

HardLessons

Hi Lisa

Loved what you wrote above. I want you to know clearly that what you wrote above helps me. It helps me to understand that its not just me. I am not crazy. Its also good for me to see your take on all of this.

I am older than you. I am a college educated professional. Unlike you, I don't have family. That does make it hard for me.

If you read above Cody in a weak moment texted her AExBF. Didn't go so well. If you think about it how could it go well. Even if they jump up & down doing a happy dance we contacted them - ok then what? What more of the same? More downward spiral by us. Who picks me up off the floor - not her (my addict)!

I think the bottom line problem is - we know how crazy painful this all is. I'm talking about all of the relationship not just the no contact. Crazy painful. Yet we think about contacting them - we want to contact them. I'm dying for my fix. That's the bad sad part in us that we need to work on & sort out.

I think about my addict all the time. Do I want love from her - yes!!!!!! Do I want love from her which I have to beg her for, plead with her, threaten her, fight over, force out of her - no not good.

My addict became my entire world other than work. She even took up a lot of my time at work.

This is a struggle which we have to learn to let go of. Let go of it once & for all. I know its easy to say. I'm not saying its easy to do. I am struggling badly with all of it - all day every day. I am not saying I am even doing a good job with it. But I know it needs to be done. Let go of this.

I will be thinking of you. Hope you have the best day possible.

Ariesagain

You are both handling this really well...better than you think you are, certainly.

The analogy I wish I had had all those years ago is that its like the invasion of the body snatchers...the addiction takes over the inside, first. Freud's theory of the id...where all the desires are instinctual and selfish...is where addicts live. Addiction erodes the ego and the superego...the higher order parts of the brain where learned behaviors like kindness, empathy, compassion, and responsibility live.

They're gone. Only the need remains and everything is categorized into 1) makes using easier or 2) makes using harder. You're treated depending on which category you fall into at that moment.

It will get easier, but as they say, time takes time.

Sending you both a hug.

HardLessons

Ariesagain

Thanks for your reply & thoughtful words. Thanks for your hug - need that badly

I was thinking today why I haven't heard from my addict. I think its because she knows something dramatically has changed in me. Something that if she contacts me will interfere / disrupt her denial & addiction. I think that's the bottom line.

She does not now or ever in the past want to talk about the big I mean big elephant which is standing right next to her. She pretends its not there & she demands by control & manipulation that I do the same.

I've tried countless times to say "you know girl - you have a big elephant standing next to you" I've gone to great lengths describing this big elephant that I clearly see standing there. I've shown her evidence as in a big pile of elephant sh*t. Her response "your crazy you don't know what your talking about!"

Your statement is probably very true & the bottom line as to why I have not heard from her - "Only the need remains and everything is categorized into 1) makes using easier or 2) makes using harder. You're treated depending on which category you fall into at that moment."

Lisapurdue

Tonight I am feeling such sadness, heavy heartbreaking sadness. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Cody11

Hi Lisa,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad but I can empathise - I know only too well how that feels and sometimes you really do wonder how you're going to get through it but I dare say we all will. I'm beginning to question just what it is that makes me want him in my life. He nev

Cody11

Sorry - keep pressing submit.

He never once paid for anything. I've had two birthdays with him and he's not even spoken to me on either of them. I got him xmas presents but not so much as a card back. He constantly promised that we'd do things but we never did. I've lost count of the amount of times I took him somewhere and he said he'd be 5 minutes then never came back and he'd also switch his phone off. I'm really questioning why I accepted it and why I'd even think about having someone like that in my life, dragging me down. He's already taken everything I have. He's just not a nice person underneath all the superficial charm and he even said to me once that he could be a bad b*****d.

Not long after I met him he was charged with assault, kidnap and extortion and was held on remand for 5 months but eventually the case was found not proven although he had indeed gone to.a mans house, punched him several times, forced the guy into a van, his accomplice drove the van to the nearest bank and went with him into the bank and forced the guy to take out money.

He's also been in prison for stamping on someone's head, he broke into someone's house, assaulted the man and ripped his chain of his neck. He took a knife into a supermarket and told a member of staff he'd kill her. There's so much more he's done. He seriously assaulted his own cousin last year but somehow managed to get a procurator fiscal's release (sorry for the terminology - a PF is a prosecutor) even although he was on a supervised release order and should have been right back in prison. His cousin was in a bad way and was hospitalised. All this, yet he's a nice guy, misunderstood. Someone who isn't really like that - his words. That's really what I'm willing to settle for and getting so upset over? Yeah, something not right about that at all. I have a degree, I had a good job. How I was managed to get sucked in to it all, I don't know.

I hope you're better today. This forum helps greatly but we are all going through our own private hell and it's hard but we are all going to come out of this and be all the stronger for it. Take care.