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And again... And again, and again

Old 07-28-2014, 08:12 PM
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And again... And again, and again

I don't know what I was thinking. I had been broken up with my Abf for a month. I was feeling better and he came crawling back for me a few weeks ago when he started to feel good again. He said all the right words that broke me down and I gave him another chance. I knew that his chances of staying clean were nearly none, but I still had that ounce of hope left in me that it would "be this time". But then it all happened pretty quickly again. He promised me a wonderful date, but then didn't have enough money to pay for rent AND take me out... Only to find that he was using that money to buy "a little bit of heroin"... What does that even mean?!!??? It's almost comical that he says "a little bit". He can't even actually say the word heroin because he's so ashamed of it....So we just stick to the word "using". But seriously...a little bit of heroin is still heroin!!! And then after that whole disappointment, he promised me a good time on a vacation with him and his extended family... Only to use the day we left to go see them. I had to awkwardly pretend that I wasn't upset or hurt because I didn't want to create a scene in front of his family on their vacation. How selfish of him to put me in that situation. I just didn't want to deal with his mess so I pretended and got up the next day and pretended some more. It feels nice for a minute to pretend and feel his love, but then I get home and I'm by myself with my own thoughts. I start to think rationally and wonder if he really ever means what he says. Nope. Will he ever really mean what he says? Slim to no chance.
So I called him to tell him it's off and that I'm unhappy. I get the "this is so f***** up" comment and then of course my favorite "just say it... You don't love me anymore" comment or "so your just giving up on me" Comment . And now of course I'm worried that he hates me for breaking his heart. But wait, did I give up? What in the what am I saying?! I'm delusional.

I blocked his number and fb, something I didn't do the first time around. I'm sad right now and confused. Why is he angry at me? My mind is blown at how it turned around at me to make me feel like I ask for too much. He says he gives me love, which yes he does... And makes me feel guilty. But at this point he is in serious debt of showing me he cares with all the lies and hurt he has caused me. 100 flowers and cuddles can't fix it or make me feel better or "special".

Side note: he lives in a oxford house and has been getting away with using for months on and off. He knows when he could potentially get tested and stays clean for 3-5 days so that heroin isn't in his system when he does. Also mind blowing to me. He has literally walked on the edge of thin ice his whole life but has never fallen in.
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Old 07-28-2014, 08:25 PM
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There is a big difference between giving up and having had enough. When we give them chance after chance and nothing changes, then we know it is what it is. Doesn't mean we don't still care about them, it just means we have had enough.

Good on you for blocking his number on your phone and on facebook. At some point, he will fall through that thin ice. Chances are he'll eventually get kicked out of Oxford House and then he'll be on your doorstep begging for a place to stay. He'll promise anything to try to break you. I hope you don't even give him the chance.

Use this time to make yourself stronger. Have absolutely no contact with him. Don't allow friends/family to talk to you about him. You need space, and a lot of it. You need time away from anything to do with him. It will allow you to become stronger. You can do this and we're here to support you. (((HUGS)))
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Old 07-28-2014, 08:36 PM
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JKS,

You know , don't you, that his brain is only working on how to get his drug, nothing else.

He is only able to do one thing, only able to work toward one thing, and that is how to keep using.

He wants you, but he isn't even able to do the things you need. His brain won't let him, its too busy wanting the drug.

sort of greedy and selfish, in my opinion, because you deserve more. He is oblivious to the fact that you cannot be happy with the little scraps he is able to toss your way. He cannot do any better right now.. He is sick.

It sounds like you saw the writing on the wall, that it wasn't looking promising, but you see even more clearly now, I am sure.

I am sorry, I know its sad, and it hurts, but it isn't personal you know. He cannot help his self, until he gets good and sick of living that way. He will learn more from you taking care of yourself, than he would if you stayed and begged for the next year.

wishing you strength to do what you need to, for you. You can live the kind of life you want, and not spend your time being sad , mad and lonely.
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Old 07-28-2014, 10:02 PM
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This post resonated with me so much. Don't feel bad, Monday my H and I had a serious conversation about his sobriety. We both agreed I did not feel safe at home, so I would continue to stay at my moms (mind you, I am the one with 2 kids) Anyway, Friday I can sense he is high, so we argue and I finally said "A Ua will squash this." He agreed. Of course, came up positive for meth. I asked him about our conversation on Monday and all of his honesty, you know what he said??? "I was honest on Monday, but today is Friday"!!! Are you kidding me??? Oh, he totally said that crap. So I told him to leave, I did not want him around the kids high. He has not spoke to me since. I am the bad guy. Hummm...really? Okay.

Don't beat yourself up. Some of us have been living in your situation for years. Some of our children have been living in this insanity for years. Even today, if he came to me and said he was ready to get clean, I would do the same thing you did, because of that one chance this will be the time it works. That's all I want, just to receive that one chance. Lucky for you, he is not your H. You have so much to give to someone healthy. And you deserve that back. Don't loose that chance to find Mr. Right while chasing and crying over Mr. WRONG. God Bless.
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Old 07-29-2014, 05:04 AM
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You were wise to cut contact and move on. You gave him a chance over and over and he continues to use.

When he blames you or twists the situation to try to make you feel bad, that's a good sign that he isn't even close to wanting to stop.

You cannot reason with insanity, and active drug use is just that.

You know already that a month away from this all helped you feel better. You are now wiser this time around and know what you do and do not want in your life.

Grab the lesson and run, girl, wiser for the journey.

Hugs
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Old 07-29-2014, 10:03 AM
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It's not him yelling at you and being angry with you; it's his addiction.
By taking him back you allow him to continue to literally kill himself and his brain. Until he decides on his own that he needs to seek therapy and focus on himself, you should unfortunately keep your distance. As hard as it is; it's the only way to help right now.
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Old 07-30-2014, 12:00 PM
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his displaying anger because he's not getting his way. you put your foot down and refused to take his crap anymore. you aren't "letting him" get away with it. so that makes you the enemy. addicts HATE the word NO.

YOU are not a raffle prize, so stop handing out tickets (chances). he showed you what he is about....and sadly, it's still all about using. and there SHOULD be consequences for that.
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Old 07-30-2014, 12:25 PM
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Late in responding to this.

He said all the right words that broke me down and I gave him another chance.
This is a variant of denial, one of which most of us have been guilty of from time to time. This is the heart overruling the head, even though the head knows everything that it needs to do to make good decisions.

Been there, done that, and paid a huge price in the first half of 2012.

My mind is blown at how it turned around at me to make me feel like I ask for too much. He says he gives me love, which yes he does... And makes me feel guilty. But at this point he is in serious debt of showing me he cares with all the lies and hurt he has caused me.
This is textbook manipulation, something that addicts are exceeding good at. Again, you're not allowing your head to know what it needs to know.

And if you're willing to put up with this sort of bullsh*t, this will continue unabated.
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Old 07-30-2014, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by mejo View Post
Some of our children have been living in this insanity for years.
And there lies the problem. The children, their needs, wants, and wellbeing need to be put before the addicts. What did they do to deserve the insanity? Absolutely nothing.

So many of us literally change around our living situation (why should we move out and let the addict stay) and do all sorts of crazy stuff so the addict won't have to face the consequences.

I mean no criticism here, just pointing out that it is easy in codependency to let our children get run over.

It took me a long time to see and understand that.
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