And again... And again, and again
I don't know what I was thinking. I had been broken up with my Abf for a month. I was feeling better and he came crawling back for me a few weeks ago when he started to feel good again. He said all the right words that broke me down and I gave him another chance. I knew that his chances of staying clean were nearly none, but I still had that ounce of hope left in me that it would "be this time". But then it all happened pretty quickly again. He promised me a wonderful date, but then didn't have enough money to pay for rent AND take me out... Only to find that he was using that money to buy "a little bit of heroin"... What does that even mean?!!??? It's almost comical that he says "a little bit". He can't even actually say the word heroin because he's so ashamed of it....So we just stick to the word "using". But seriously...a little bit of heroin is still heroin!!! And then after that whole disappointment, he promised me a good time on a vacation with him and his extended family... Only to use the day we left to go see them. I had to awkwardly pretend that I wasn't upset or hurt because I didn't want to create a scene in front of his family on their vacation. How selfish of him to put me in that situation. I just didn't want to deal with his mess so I pretended and got up the next day and pretended some more. It feels nice for a minute to pretend and feel his love, but then I get home and I'm by myself with my own thoughts. I start to think rationally and wonder if he really ever means what he says. Nope. Will he ever really mean what he says? Slim to no chance.
So I called him to tell him it's off and that I'm unhappy. I get the "this is so f***** up" comment and then of course my favorite "just say it... You don't love me anymore" comment or "so your just giving up on me" Comment . And now of course I'm worried that he hates me for breaking his heart. But wait, did I give up? What in the what am I saying?! I'm delusional.
I blocked his number and fb, something I didn't do the first time around. I'm sad right now and confused. Why is he angry at me? My mind is blown at how it turned around at me to make me feel like I ask for too much. He says he gives me love, which yes he does... And makes me feel guilty. But at this point he is in serious debt of showing me he cares with all the lies and hurt he has caused me. 100 flowers and cuddles can't fix it or make me feel better or "special".
Side note: he lives in a oxford house and has been getting away with using for months on and off. He knows when he could potentially get tested and stays clean for 3-5 days so that heroin isn't in his system when he does. Also mind blowing to me. He has literally walked on the edge of thin ice his whole life but has never fallen in.