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HOw do i handle this????

Old 02-13-2014, 08:20 AM
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Angry HOw do i handle this????

So I just found a small black rubber band on my steps... I know it is not one of my daughters hair ties.. since I don't use rubber bands!! It looks like the little rubber bands I used to find behind the couch and in my AH truck. I'm thinking that is what held the bundles of heroin together. I know it couldn't have been there long since I've been home all week cleaning. ARRRRGH. now what? what do I do? test him? throw him out in a blizzard? IDK. So freaking sick of this crap. How should I handle this.. he is supposed to go to his home group tonight where his sponsor is... do I go along? do I confront him????
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Old 02-13-2014, 08:27 AM
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I dont think confronting him will do any good, do you? Most likely he will say it is not his. I think what is more important is how YOU are feeling and what you need to do to make yourself feel more at peace and not so hurt and angry. We know we cannot change them or make them want to have recovery so you have to put the focus on yourself and do what is best for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. MY son has recently relapsed again and our relationship is very strained. We can only take so much. Hugs.
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Old 02-13-2014, 08:53 AM
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Relax. You don't have to DO anything today. Keep your eye on the money, and watch the behaviors. More will be revealed in time.
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Old 02-13-2014, 08:59 AM
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I have no idea what a bundle of heroin costs.. and my AH has told me in the past that 1 or two stamp bags is pointless. IDK I'm so stupid when it comes to this stuff.. we live in a very small town and he said it costs more here than in the cities anyway. I have been trying to keep him broke.. but he will get gas, cigs, and food.. it is driving me crazy.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:06 AM
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I agree with the above poster who said more will be revealed in time. What can you do for YOU today??
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:13 AM
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I just feel sick. I work this entire weekend and I don't know what to do... I can't leave my kids with him if he is using again... AND if I tell my parents and get them to watch the kids I'll have another mess on my hands. With the kids I don't know if I can just wait and let this unfold. I'm scared and totally beat down.
I don't know if I have it in me to keep my mouth shut.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:21 AM
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Why would having your parents watch your kids be a mess? Just wondering, you don't have to say.

I encourage you to find any way possible to get your kids out of the house with him alone if you suspect in any way he is using. If that makes him mad make him take a drug test. The thing is, your kids are #1 all the time. Their safety and wellbeing has to be #1 for you and it should be for him too.

It has to be hard, I am so sorry.

Hugs.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:28 AM
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I would have to explain WHY I don't want to leave him with the kids alone again. Even though he would be here home all weekend. He has been Ok for awhile.. and I think my dad might snap. My dad is really old school and may lose him temper and do something crazy. My parents, like me, have had enough of his nonsense. He claims he has been doing really well and has his clean time and working with his sponsor.. etc. I'm so tired of his crap.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:48 AM
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Ok- don't beat me up. Yes, using is bad... but you haven't gotten enough proof to automatically assume that he is. How is he acting?????

BEHAVIOR, BEHAVIOR, BEHAVIOR!!! Is he nodding off.. does he seem to be acting responsible?

Would you be scared to leave the kids with him how he's presently acting???
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:58 AM
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THAT is the problem. Even when he was hardcore using he acted pretty normal. At least around me. The money was disappearing fast though.. He works 4am to noon right now.. so he comes home and sleeps.. then gets up and eats dinner hits his Monday and Thursday meetings and comes home watches a show and back to bed.. He is crabby sometimes ESP if I am suspicious and he gets crabby about money. He is used to having a lot at all times.. I've been getting receipts and giving him a little cash at a time.. OR filling up the gas tanks, buying his cigs, and packing his lunch. He doesn't like to have no money on him. I took all the bank cards etc.. but sometimes he has to take mine to get gas if I didn't get out. I HATE BEING MONEY WARDEN. he does go to work etc.. but I just do not want him using AT ALL esp in my home or around my babies. I'M over being lied to ... I'd rather die alone than with a pathological lier
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Old 02-13-2014, 10:14 AM
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Why are you being the money warden? If he's going to use... he probably doesn't need money. My husband didn't. They pick up for friends and make extra for buying in bulk.

For me, using wasn't the problem. It was the behaviors that stemmed from the using. Lack of money (not being able to pay his bills), stealing, not being able to get out of bed....

I'm not saying leave your kids with a drug-addict ... but if he's acting responsibly...

There is always the risk of OD'ing, which I really really get... but with him living in the house that can happen at any time.

I would really stop stressing so much about IF he's using, and focus more on YOUR behavior and HIS behavior.

There are tell-tale signs. Driving yourself crazy over if he slipped will just make you nuts. I know, from experience. Let it go. What will be will be.
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Old 02-13-2014, 10:16 AM
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Also, being alone isn't terrible. Sometimes, it's much much much better being alone than living with an addict.

Can you support yourself without him??
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Old 02-13-2014, 10:33 AM
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You can't CONTROL it.

Keeping the money, filling up the gas tanks and buying cigs, packing his lunch. ... you are falling into the trap we all fall into. You are trying to control the addiction.

You can control yourself. Try to take afirmative action.

I start by setting my priorities, my kids come first. In order to take care of my kids, I have to take care of myself. When I am not at home the kids are at daycare, even if AH is available to watch them. i told him he can't stay calm and I won't leave the kids with him. That's it, suck it up.

I don't know though how wwell that would go over when your A is in recovery, and you suspect them of using. All I can say is your kids should be priority #1, not his feelings. If you send them to a sitter, send them for a sleepover etc. and he is insulted, oh well. If you leave them at home and he uses and something happens. ... . that will be worse than him being insulted.
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Old 02-13-2014, 10:48 AM
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I would tell him the truth, that you are having some doubts and just not comfortable leaving your kids there. I would also tell your dad the truth that you don't know if he has been using but don't want to chance it, and if he blows up he is only hurting you, so please please just don't do it. I would also tell him since you have a right to have doubts because of past history, if he really wants to avoid the problem take a drug test so your mind is at ease.

I am sorry, I know none of that is easy, but your kids really do have to come first.
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Old 02-13-2014, 11:03 AM
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I really don't care about his feelings at this point. I just want calm. He is not running his company at this point.. he is working his winter job. In the summer he makes ALOT of money- I MIGHT be able to support myself and children without him BUT it would be super hard and I would NEVER see them.. I def. cannot afford to pay a sitter or daycare at this point and I have a difficult time finding with my hours.. I work either 4pm- 3am or noon- 12am. I would pack his lunch or buy things for him to pack his lunch so I didn't have to give him my cc or cash. I'm still trying to climb out of the debt he caused before rehab. ( He spent OVER 100k this past year on drugs.. I'm sure more) When summer hits I'm afraid because his business is ALOT of cash. I'm going to have to rely on his father to help me keep an eye on it... He doesn't make a ton of money right now. Just average. Enough to pay the bills etc. Not enough for crazy expenses. This is also my slow time of the year when I work about 3 days a week. We are ok now/ not great.. but he could make a serious dent in our finances if he is using.. even a little. I can't risk it. That is why I've taken everything (I have to keep the lights on and feed the kids.) I have to be able to make car payments, etc. I'm also afraid of what he does if he is using while I'm at work with our kids here. He has never nodded out in front of me.. BUT he did sleep a lot. Plus he was a total jerk. Fly off the handle with me about anything and everything. IDK.
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Old 02-13-2014, 12:25 PM
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it is NEVER a good idea to rely upon an addict for a source of income or security. that's like tying your own good paddle to a brick and then throwing both overboard.

we are only as sick as our secrets....and right now, you trying to keep what is happening from your folks etc is making you sick. do not rely upon HIS dad to help you.....turn to your own father. and yeah i bet he IS fed up....because you don't deserve this, but unless you get yourself out, you might as well say it's A-OK by you. let your dad help you....get you and the kids out and then figure everything out. this is NO WAY to live.......
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Old 02-13-2014, 12:30 PM
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Also..just because you wont have all of his money does not mean he will not have to pay. He will have to pay child support if you leave him. They are still his children to financially support.

$100k on drugs is a SERIOUS drug problem, I am sure you realize that. Don't suffer in silence. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Begin making a nest egg for yourself even if it is $5 at a time.
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Old 02-13-2014, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it is NEVER a good idea to rely upon an addict for a source of income or security. that's like tying your own good paddle to a brick and then throwing both overboard.

.
No truer words have been spoken, trust me. I did it over and over again because I just "knew" IF he could get clean, he could make the money to "fix" the damage he had caused. The only people that continue to benefit from his income are some low life dealers.
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Old 02-13-2014, 05:54 PM
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You don't have to leave, or do anything for that matter but get yourself thinking and planning. We have all been burnt by an addict and know the control your trying to achieve. It doesn't work. It causes resentment in the marriage.

Don't expect honesty. But, ultimately you cannot control him. You can't force him to stop, love him enough to stop, guilt him enough to stop. Only his higher power can help him stop.

All addicts lie about their addiction. Expect that.

Start a plan. The what if I actually leave him plan.
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Old 02-13-2014, 05:58 PM
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Also check yourself. Are you contributing to the arguing. Kids really need stability and not both parents angry, fighting, complaining. I grew up like that. Ended up soothing my pain with drugs.
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