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Please help, i want to walk away again. So hard.

Old 09-18-2012, 05:36 PM
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Unhappy Please help, i want to walk away again. So hard.

My ex swears up and down that he has changed and that things will be better in the long run. He was addicted to pills and mixed it with alcohol back in the day, no he drinks beer but i notice it is not out of control just a few now and then. He has been like that for 6 months now, so that is great!

But, what i want to know...is can they change? It seems like they can but i am afraid to fall for it and him turn again. Its not just the addiction but the other things I fear as well, I mean I am a women and I want to know that a man will provide for his family. He is 35 years old, still works part time at Costco, no car (even though he is getting close to having one), in EXTREAME DEBT..already filed for bankruptcy, in financial trouble with bad checks ALL BECAUSE OF HIS PAST. Wow, when I meet him 7 years ago, he was sooooo different! He had his own place, his own car, in school to be a firefighter, was in youth ministry leader, ON TOP OF THE WORLD… its amazing with drunks and drinking can do to your life. 2 DUIs, a bankruptcy, 2 car accidents and 1000s of dollars spent on pills cant turn your life for the worst.

Family and friends of mine all turned there back to him and if I choose him, I would lose all respect from them and my family would not even want to talk to me or see him. What kind of life is that, but when you love someone, all you want to do is run away to another state and be with him and start your own family but only if its worth it….how do I know its worth it to leave it all behind for a man who can go back to his old self so soon. I know what most would say…THEN WHY IS IT STILL HARD TO WALK AWAY?! The love I have for this man is indescribable! I guess all iam looking for is advice, is all of the pain worth it. Can he change, or is him balling and telling me to fight for him another manipulation.

HELP!
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Old 09-18-2012, 05:50 PM
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Same post, different title as on F&F of Substance Abusers? Thought you said that you were going to walk away and try & find new husband material.
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Old 09-18-2012, 06:19 PM
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They will tell you whatever you want to hear and you will believe whatever you want to believe. We already responded to this on the other forum. Are you hoping to get different answers here? Addicts lie and will do whatever they think will keep you involved in their chaos.

He is 35 years old, still works part time at Costco, no car (even though he is getting close to having one), in EXTREAME DEBT..already filed for bankruptcy, in financial trouble with bad checks ALL BECAUSE OF HIS PAST...2 DUIs, a bankruptcy, 2 car accidents and 1000s of dollars spent on pills...
The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. The guy is 35 years old and still only works a part-time job? How can he provide for a family? Why would you want to have a family with someone like that? You deserve better.

IF this guy were to get a decent job, stay clean and sober and working a strong program of recovery for a minimum of one year, you might have a decent reason to consider trying again. As things are now, he hasn't changed much at all.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:01 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Some have really low self-esteem from years of living with addiction and they fear they will spend the rest of their lives alone.
:horse:
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Old 09-19-2012, 02:09 AM
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Wow - maybe we should "judge" our own lives instead of blantently whipping those who are trying to find their way.... In THEIR OWN TIME....!!???

My apologies to the original poster. You need to find your answer in your own time... keep posting even if it is "repetitive" and you're going in circles.

You'll find your answer some day without the help of animated donkey flogging or random quotes from other members.

This is YOUR journey. No one else's.

Hugs
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Old 09-19-2012, 02:38 AM
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Hugs!
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Old 09-19-2012, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by justrae83 View Post

He is 35 years old, still works part time at Costco, no car (even though he is getting close to having one), in EXTREAME DEBT..already filed for bankruptcy, in financial trouble with bad checks
I know 17 year olds who work PT at Costco.

Are there children ( besides him) involved?
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Old 09-19-2012, 11:48 AM
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No...there are no children involved. He keeps saying he wants them someday and he wants a strong women who will be by his side...not a weak girl who is scared of her daddy. That really hurt, beucase i have been through so much and i thought he would understand that. I needed time to see the changes becuase i was beaten and bruised from emotional abouse. You would think that the near fact i was even giving him a second chance would be enough for him to say thank you, yet he always wants more more more more more more....sigh.

i feel as though i will never find passion again in another relationship becuase we had so much. Kind of like that emenem song "love the way you lie" When it was good, it was REALLY GOOD. When it is bad, its heartbreaking and tears are shead. Sigh. I pray that God shows me that iam worthy of real love and to be able to notice it after 7 years of emotional abuse filled with addiction, lies and minuplation..while the person says they love you. I once thought our relationship was unique filled with passion, but that passion was just just drama i was used too.
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Old 09-19-2012, 12:00 PM
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In time you will know what to do. It takes some longer then others. I know for a fact had I not found SR I would still be clueless and hanging on to hope. It sounds like so much of your life has been sad for so long. Look inside you and relaize you are worth it, you are worthy of happiness and peace and you deserve to be loved. Addicts can't provide that. Take the first step toward the rest of your life. Move on. It hurts like hell, you will second guess yourself a million times. Eventually....you heal and you will wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place. I know because that is what I had to do. Hugs.
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Old 09-19-2012, 12:07 PM
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What do you want to do?
How will you be happy?
Is this relationship holding you back from being your highest self?

You know what you need to do. You will do it in your own time. You may not like what the relationship has turned into and that is perfectly acceptable. What are you going to do so that you are in control of your life?
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Old 09-19-2012, 07:04 PM
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Read up on trauma bonding.
You will understand why it's so hard to let go. I hear you though.

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships: Amazon.ca: Patrick Carnes Ph.D.: Books

And well said Canfixonlyme........the judging here sometimes gets to be too much. Probably why I rarely post here anymore.
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Old 09-20-2012, 09:10 AM
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But, what i want to know...is can they change?
Sure. The question is are they willing to do the hard work over a long period of time so that they can change. A lot of addicts can talk the talk. The question is can they walk the walk.

You say the love you have for him is "indescribable". What about the love and respect you have for yourself? Do you really want to hitch your wagon to someone that has completely and utterly self destructed the way he has? Do you want to risk your well being for someone whose track record is abysmal?

Just because we love someone doesn't mean we should be with them.

And if he's truly serious about recovery and serious about turning his life around, then he'll recognize that he's unable to be a fully committed partner in a romantic relationship at this moment in time.

If you really love him the way you say you do, then allow him the space to work on him.

Best,
ZoSo
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