When to NOT "run for your life?"

Old 09-18-2012, 06:35 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
When to NOT "run for your life?"

i am so glad i found this site because everyone always gives me a straight answer, no BS. when i first came here, i hated to hear the hard truth...but now i depend on it.

my husband as you all know...has cheated on me, did coke in the mancave behind my back, we had a DV incident...and oh yeah...he has abandoned me and the baby....havent heard a peep out of him in 3 weeks.

so, i put his ass out of this house...and am getting on with my life.

i keep reading on these boards about how all these husbands/wives, etc are trying so hard to "work things out" with the non-addicted partner. and everytime, i read the responses from SR saying..."run for the hills!!!" i am usually saying the same thing because of all my drama.

my question is....when do we NOT say that? when do you stay and try to do your part to save the relationship?

or, is the hard truth that you should always bail when you find out your significant other is an addict?
Miller05 is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 06:38 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,727
I think it depends on what you are willing to put up with. The domestic violence is a deal breaker for me. The cheating would be a deal breaker for me.

If it's just a matter of a person becoming addicted, but truly wants recovery; actually does the work consistently for a long period of time, then it's possible things could work out. Unfortunately, that doesn't really happen all that often.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:01 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thanks....i guess from some of the posts...the people willing to forgive their spouses seem to be forigiving a LOT of crap...cheating, DV, lies, manipulation, and years of the addict acting like a damn fool.

if the addict is trying to get his **** together...then is all of the past heartache...just "forgiven/forgotten" simply because he was an addict and it was "addict behavior?"

for me, my husband cheated and he is an addict. the 2 things are completely separate.

however, when i went to my nar anon meeting this week, they told me that all their spouses acted the same way...even stole from them...like their wedding rings!

so now, they are reconciling after he went to rehab.....so does he get a pass for stealing her ring because he was sick? does he get a pass for cheating on her with some crack ho? does he get a pass for spending up the money in the bank and putting their house in foreclosure?

just seems soooooooooo convienent to me that they can just say..."the drugs made me do it."

i guess i just needed some clarification on exactly what makes an addict worth keeping after all the ****????
Miller05 is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,727
Again, I think it is an individual decision. It depends on what you are willing to live with. Something that may be a make or break situation with you, might not be that big a deal to me and vice-versa. We are all individuals and have different tolerance levels.

People stay in relationships for different reasons, too. Some don't want to give up the nice house or the nice car, or don't want to have to get a job or not be able to go on the exotic vacations, etc. Some have really low self-esteem from years of living with addiction and they fear they will spend the rest of their lives alone. There are many different reasons why someone might be willing to stay in a toxic relationship.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:12 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I've stayed with my RABF, but there was no cheating, stealing, or DV. I agree that addicts should not be able to get away with behavior because they are using. However, each person's bottom is different. One problem is that addiction is progressive, so it's easy to think, "Next time he does that I'll leave him."
bluebelle is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:27 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
hmmmm....okay...interesting...answers my question.

i just heard all these people in my nar anon meeting calling their addicts brain's "distorted, changed, effected by the drugs, a disease....you name it." it was all about their sick brains...the disease!! and that is WHY they act a fool.

that got me thinking to ask the question...."well...when do you NOT walk away???????????????"

thanks
Miller05 is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:31 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Miller - It's an individual decision - If you would have asked me 5 years ago what I would have done if my husband, cheated, lied, wasted thousand of $'s ignored his wife and kids,became a zombie, I would have said - I'm gone at cheated. Unfortunately, for me, I thought by staying I was not destroying my kids lives with a divorce. Ultimately, I hit my bottom and realized that by staying, I was actually endangering my kids lives and hurting them. I have a lot of regrets and am working on forgiving myself for not doing the right thing sooner. It brings bile to my mouth when I think of how much I allowed myself to be disrespected. But, I am in a place now that I filed for divorce, I'm done and there is absolutely no doubt. I know I genuinely gave him the chances to find recovery. I guess for me, I had to do it this way so I can more forward without hesitation.
supportforme is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:31 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Rutledge, TN
Posts: 3
That's a really good question and I wish that you had gotten some positive responses. My husband has just finished the detox program and is in inpatient rehab. There was no stealing, cheating, or DV. But there was a lot of lies, using our $ for drugs and the disrespect that comes with those things. He is a great daddy to all of our kids (my 2 oldest sons are not his) and outside of the lying and using he is really good to me. He is my best friend. I don't know what our future holds. But if he comes out of rehab and wants to be clean, then I'm not going anywhere. I'm sure there will be times when there are relapses or when he struggles a lot, but if he is serious about his recovery and is working hard to better his life...why wld I leave the man I love? The other side of that is if he comes home and is not serious about his recovery and starts using again...I'm out. I've decided what I can live with and my boundaries are clearly drawn.
Tryingtoheal4 is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:32 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,727
Not all drunks are violent. Not all drunks cheat. As I've said before, I think alcohol gets blamed sometimes for things it isn't necessarily responsible for. A jerk is a jerk whether he's drinking or not, he's only more so when he's drunk. Someone not prone to violence doesn't turn violent when they drink. It isn't always the alcohol that make someone an asshat.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 09-18-2012, 09:41 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
BeavsDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Some have really low self-esteem from years of living with addiction and they fear they will spend the rest of their lives alone.
Boom!
The devil you know...
BeavsDad is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 05:32 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I was told to run in the beginning and I really now after all the years of work I did on me believe it wasn’t based on anything but the word heroin and out of fear, because of scars.

I have my deal breakers and they have nothing to do with drug use. Cheating, abuse are deal breakers and drug use has no baring on that. Actually I removed the addiction a long time ago as a curser to how I react or don’t.

I stayed, not a big deal. I stayed after writing a list weighing the choices to stay/go. I stayed because I couldn’t find a good enough reason maybe out of sickness, maybe not to make anything make sense at the time. Hell the to stay or go internal struggle was given to much time, was wasted time in my eyes for me, and a great distraction at times from working on myself. I stayed doing one extremely important thing from pretty much the beginning, constantly redirecting the focus back on me and why I was as I was … not why he was as he was.

I do not regret my decision at all. And because I am extremely self aware I know that my decision can change at any time, and could have throughout my journey. I knew that above and beyond the addiction that I needed to work on me, because I so wasn’t here by happenstance. None of us are, either we were already sick before ( and that counts for many in the madness) or allowed ourselves to become sick in it all. I was not right from before the fact. All that sick people attract other sick people.

Telling a person to run isn’t going to save them, it just removes the immediate danger they might be in in the moment and very little chaos because in many cases the chaos is self created….but in the end you like everyone else here will have to fix and save yourself. You could also ask how many ran and in time were in the same place again. You can run, based on what you shared you seem to need to, to give yourself the best chance, but that ain’t gonna fix a damn thing because the addicts in our lives are not our problem, we are, we will always be.

Find your why’s … save yourself.

There is also a big difference between just staying and staying and doing the work…
Just as there is a big difference from just leaving and leaving and doing the work…
incitingsilence is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 06:30 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Some people allow addiction to excuse lousy behaviors and crimes and some people choose not to do so. It says more about the excuser than the addict.

Who am I to judge, unless there is violence or minor children involved?
outtolunch is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 07:36 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
For me, at the end of the day, the person who I love needs to show back up. So far my son has battled for three years. i have seen glimpses of him. It is entirely up to him to choose his recovery. I pray for that day, but I also need him to be accountable to the lies, stealing and pain that has been brought upon our family. I am struggling today with how to love him with my heart but to detach from his current situation.
If he seeks recovery, pays for his crimes through whatever punishment the law indicates and shows his commitment to being sober, I will reconcile with him. My boundaries are that I will not live with someone who is in active addiction or who steals from their family.
That can be reconciled by him holding himself/being held accountable for his actions.
Ilovemysonjj is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 07:43 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Miller05 View Post
i am so glad i found this site because everyone always gives me a straight answer, no BS. when i first came here, i hated to hear the hard truth...but now i depend on it.

my husband as you all know...has cheated on me, did coke in the mancave behind my back, we had a DV incident...and oh yeah...he has abandoned me and the baby....havent heard a peep out of him in 3 weeks.

so, i put his ass out of this house...and am getting on with my life.

i keep reading on these boards about how all these husbands/wives, etc are trying so hard to "work things out" with the non-addicted partner. and everytime, i read the responses from SR saying..."run for the hills!!!" i am usually saying the same thing because of all my drama.

my question is....when do we NOT say that? when do you stay and try to do your part to save the relationship?

or, is the hard truth that you should always bail when you find out your significant other is an addict?
Tough question.

The best answer I can give you (and this is purely subjective) is you have to consult with your own moral compass, what's important to you, and what you're willing to tolerate. The track record your AH has accumulated speaks for itself.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned the hard way is you cannot compromise your values or your priorities for the sake of the addict, or for anyone for that matter. For you if you do, you tacitly give them permission to run over you. You have to stay firm to your beliefs, your values, and your morals. And if you do that, then making decisions on whether or not you allow the addict back in your life becomes clearer.

Best,
ZoSo
zoso77 is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 10:17 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
when NOT to run?

I think that there is so much ingrained in our culture that tells us to stay that the "RUN" part is the rarity...and maybe that is why you find it here on SR. By the time most of us find our way here to an anonymous board filled with people who are suffering in their relationships to addicts...by the time we find our way here we are in trouble.
So much in our culture tells us to stay. Dealing with addiction is like dealing with the opposite of what so much tells us outside of addiction. We are taught...in so many ways...that LOVE HEALS ALL, that loyalty is a virtue, that vows are sacred, that partnership is for life, that a true love will conquer all obstacles, that we CAN help.

Addiction does not play by the rules. Addiction includes OUR addiction. We have a hard time letting go, even when our "love" is destroying us, our lives, and the lives of our children. It is such a painful process of withdrawal and letting go...we are so filled with fear of losing love...that hearing "RUN" is horrible. Often we would rather stay in the illusory "non-addicted" world of loyalty, love-healing, and virtuous vows. A place that we are really NOT living!

It is hard to hear that our OWN addiction is killing us...and often Contributing to the addiction of the addict. WE are in denial.

Whether we decide to stay or RUN...taking the space, taking some distance, gaining some perspective...is VITAL. Often the only way that we can get some space, some distance, some perspective...is to RUN...even if it is only a sprint, a lap around the block, a two week jog.

We often need someone to tell us to RUN because so many other ideals, illusions, mistaken memories, hurt, loyalty, fears...tell us to stay. When we come here we are ready for the relief of finding others who understand the pain of this broken and manipulated twisted life of being addicted to an addict. We want, need, fear the word "RUN" but we are seeking truth and need help.

RUN helps us to gain perspective.
You can almost always go RUNNING back.
lesliej is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 12:12 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
FindingErica's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
The addiction was just the straw that broke the camels back and intensified things already going on. I left because he is emotionally abusive and that didn't change. I wanted to leave before he got into the stuff, before he intensifies the drinking, before he started med seeking. It was in my head that I was unhappy, I just wasn't fully aware of what was abusive because I thought it was deserved, I just knew I felt bad. I was on my way back to him when he promised to quit. What stopped me was a phone call the night before I went and got my own place. We were chatting about our plans when all his bitterness and blame shifting started up again. When he had me all pliable and my guard down, he started up blame shifting and bitterly complaining with that familiar undertone of anger. I knew then if I moved our household out to him in TX, he would have me and after the initial honeymoon period, I was in for more, maybe even worse anger, manipulation, verbal abuse...etc. I knew then I was done. The weird thing is I fully believe he is clean, even though he is still being a bitter, angry manipulator. The drugs were only a side effect, not a cause; though they did cause some dangerous behavior too. Don't get me wrong, he can be a great guy and we had good times too, but high or not I can't live who he is. He may one day do all the Internal work or he may relapse; I personally have had enough and believe I deserve better. That is why I left, for me and my kids, not to "punish" him for using drugs.
FindingErica is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 12:37 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
MrsDragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
I think the decision to stay /go in a relationship is very personal, and it has a lot to do with the relationship that existed before drugs entered the picture (if the case), it has to do with the overall living situation and if one is generally happy and content living in their environment, and I think it has to do with what the relationship has evolved to be; and if it is acceptable for the other person.

Im here because my son’s use of powder cocaine, so it is a different dynamic for parent / child of course.

I would have to say that I am one of the people that does believe that my sons actions, ability to reason, make sound judgment calls has been effected by the use of the cocaine. He is 28 years old, and a functional addict. He has had enough time to show my husband and I just what type of person he is in regards to morals, ethics. Everything he has shown us has been positive and reinforced the success he has had in academics, personal relationships, and his career. But when he uses the cocaine, he becomes irrational. He makes bad decisions, he doesn’t think things through, he acts too quickly, he makes mistakes and doesn’t realize it, he thinks he is capable of more than what is possible, etc. All lead to trouble.

And cocaine like many other drugs triggers the pleasure centers of the brain; however it has been proven that cocaine in particular triggers the libido, and using is often tied to sexual acts; either in the flesh, or pornographic in nature. ( wont get more specific than that because ewwww… cant stand to think of my son in that way, but you can research it yourself).

But the act of forgiveness for cheating; while in a marriage; that is again I think a personal choice based on so many factors.

My heart goes out to you; while I can sense your anger right now, your pain is also coming through. I pray you find he answers for your own healing soon.
MrsDragon is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 01:35 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
One person can't be in a relationship alone. When one person is an active addict that person's higher power, God and exclusive relationship is with the substance he or she is using whether it's drugs, alcohol or gambling. So until he is sober/dry for a while I suggest letting it go. Al-anon is such a huge help because we learn how powerless we are over other people. You must ask yourself what you want for your life.
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 07:17 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
all good information...thank you. i spoke with the sponsor at nar anon...and a former heroin addict who is clean...but needs nar anon for her qualifier. AGAIN...the feeling the former heroin addict expressed was this...."well...when i was on skid row doing crack, i did a lot of horrible things to my family and husband. i slept with other men for heroin, i was a "street worker", i was in and out of jail...we lost our house...and i just got my kid back."

and now she and her husband are together because she "was crazy on heroin then"...all better now, right?

not that my husband is breaking down the door trying to work things out...but even if he did, i honestly would not be able to talk to him. i just would not physically be able to speak to him.

the former heroin addict from nar anon says her husband with the help of god helped him forgive her for being a prostitute to get drugs....not a clue how many men she bedded to get high she says....wow.

like everyone on SR says...it is a personal choice to stay. i dont have it in me....cant give a pass for ******* a 55 year old coke *****. nada. did i mention she is a grandmother?
Miller05 is offline  
Old 09-19-2012, 08:20 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
FindingErica's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by Miller05 View Post

like everyone on SR says...it is a personal choice to stay. i dont have it in me....cant give a pass for ******* a 55 year old coke *****. nada. did i mention she is a grandmother?
At some point you find yourself in the situation of compromising your personal code of ethics too many times.i don't know that my AH ever physically cheated with intercourse, and I may never definitively know. What I do know is that he violated my ethical boundaries. He brought in alcohol, drugs, porn, violent video games. Things I didn't want violating the sanctity of our home. It is impossible to build a family life in the midst of chaos. He slowly broke me down piece by piece and I allowed the compromises. He is asking for a second chance but truth be told we are on chance 5 or 6, and I'm not interested anymore.

He stepped across a point of no return with you. That's his fault, not yours. You stick with your boundary and rebuild. I've realized if I compromise my core person, then I lose sight of myself piece by piece. Finding my sense of self again, that is important, not giving up my integrity for another is an important boundary I want to put in
FindingErica is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:54 PM.