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Can't detach

Old 01-28-2012, 02:12 AM
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Unhappy Can't detach

Please help.

I am married to a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for several months and then last night he got totally drunk again, told me (and all the neighbours) that he had had the best sex of his life with an 23 year old work college and then preceeded to rip my home office apart.

I don't know what to do? I work from home and without the income I generate I will not be able to pay the bills as most of his salary goes towards drinking and "partying". He seems to have replaced drinking with sex and makes it very clear to me that he no longer finds me attractive and that there are many other willing partners out there.

I have tried praying, keeping myself busy, meditating, but somehow peace evades me.

I'm not even sure I understand what detaching means. The people at al-anon keep telling me to detach and focus on myself. But how do I focus on myself when he destroys the very things I need to sustain myself and our home?

How do I stay detached when I know that he is getting ready to go out with a woman half his age and that he is going to spend money that we desperately need to pay the bills on her?

How do I stay detached when I am lonely and desperately need to connect to him again?

He makes it extremely difficult for me to leave the house, i.e. he hides my car keys or locks me out of the house if I do manage to go out.

He also destroys my clothes and other things if I "disobey" him and leave without his permission and the whole time I am out I worry about what is going to happen when I get home, as I know from experience that he does not like to be "disobeyed" and that I will be severely "punished" if I do try and live my own life.

Pleaes help, I really am at my wits end and do not know where else to turn.
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Old 01-28-2012, 07:14 AM
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The person you are married to is not in recovery. He's a cheat and an alcoholic. He's also abusive, cotrolling and DANGEROUS.

What about you makes you want to continue to connect with someone with these character traits?

I don't know you and yet I know you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
What can you do to protect yourself from this extreme level of abuse and sinister insanity?
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Old 01-28-2012, 07:42 AM
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I don't know how things work in South Africa, but is there a domestic violence center you can call? This man is abusive and holding a person against their will is kidnapping. You need to get away from him. I'm sure there are resources available to you, but you need to find them and contact them. Let them help you get out. This situation is only going to get worse.
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Old 01-28-2012, 08:20 AM
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This is domestic violence and it is likely to escalate.

The people in your group either do not have all the information or they are pretty sick and you need a new group. Detaching means to not rescue the addict, to refuse to take responsibility in any way for the addict's behavior and chaos.

But your situation is one of domestic violence and no one should be advising you to do anything but get away from him.

Many here at SR have been in your circumstances and they will be along to help you with feedback.

You are not trapped, but the longer you stay with him you will begin to feel certain you are. So please, dear, get away.
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Old 01-28-2012, 08:58 AM
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Christena,

I am so sorry. What a terrifying experience.

I am new and not qualified to give advice, but I do know there is a lot of love and support on this board. Also, wise, wise advice, from people who have been there. I am sending love and positive energy your way...please take care of yourself today, and do what you need to do for YOU.
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Old 01-28-2012, 02:35 PM
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Where is your family? He is an abuser and a cheater. There is no detaching from him while you are living with him, you are his prisoner, not his wife.
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Old 01-28-2012, 10:00 PM
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can you call a crisis hotline and ask for resources? you need help, he is abusive and dangerous. please get help and get out!
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Old 01-29-2012, 03:40 AM
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Welcome to SR......I hope you find answers, comfort and support here.

Your post is very concerning. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. Your husband sounds very unstable and possibly dangerous. Have you tried to find help locally from a crisis center?

You deserve to be treated with respect.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-29-2012, 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Christena View Post
Please help.
How do I stay detached when I am lonely and desperately need to connect to him again?
Christena, I am also South African. Welcome to the board. This place saved my sanity.

The above just stood out to me. Do you really desperately need to connect to him? What would happen if you don't? What would happen if you re-connect with yourself again in stead?

I was married to an abusive alcoholic many years ago and what happened was that I totally disconnected with myself. When I finally left him, I had no idea who I was and needed to find that out all over again. I discovered that I wasn't this horrible person my ex wanted me to believe I was.

Sometimes detachment means to start focusing on yourself and what is good for you and your life.
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:05 AM
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"But how do I focus on myself when he destroys the very things I need to sustain myself and our home?"

By not letting him.... move out.

Doesn't sound like a home, it sounds like a prison. He's not in recovery....his choice. He's abusive and dangerous. His choice....

You have a choice here too. You can either remove yourself from the danger and the chaos, or continue to stay with him...but nothing will change. And you will end up getting hurt (if you haven't already).

You will keep seeking answers to make this all "better" with him in the picture because it is so terribly painful to face the reality of letting him go to save yourself.

20 years ago I was in a relationship with someone who I now refer to as "Satan". He was emotionally abusive, he cheated on me, he interfered with my work, isolated me from friends and family, locked me in the house so I couldn't leave, and yes...physically abused me. And I let him.

In a way, I became ADDICTED to the chaos and the abuse. I was getting attention from him. And in my sick brain, ANY attention from from him was better than none. Even if it put my life in danger. I actually instigated arguments just to get SOME kind of reaction from him. ANYTHING...I needed him to pay attention to me. I was sick too.

I had NO self esteem left. NONE. And I allowed "satan" to break me down. My choice to stay with him, my choice to allow another person to control me, and hurt me.

Luckily, I made it out alive. I chose to leave, and my friends and family couldn't have been more supportive (an relieved) in seeing this man out of my life.

He has since battered and raped many women, and was just arrested back in September for hurting another woman. (I Googled his name) My heart goes out to them.

Nothing changed for him... but it did for me.

You need to get out.... NOW.

Do you have family or friends that will help you?

I left him while he was at work one afternoon, didn't tell him where I was going or that I was leaving. Too dangerous.
My F&F came to help me.

Best decision of my life.

Please get help. Try not think too far into the future of "what if's"... just take that ONE step and the rest will follow...one day at a time.


Big hugs to you Christena, please be careful.

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