"But how do I focus on myself when he destroys the very things I need to sustain myself and our home?"
By not letting him.... move out.
Doesn't sound like a home, it sounds like a prison. He's not in recovery....his choice. He's abusive and dangerous. His choice....
You have a choice here too. You can either remove yourself from the danger and the chaos, or continue to stay with him...but nothing will change. And you will end up getting hurt (if you haven't already).
You will keep seeking answers to make this all "better" with him in the picture because it is so terribly painful to face the reality of letting him go to save yourself.
20 years ago I was in a relationship with someone who I now refer to as "Satan". He was emotionally abusive, he cheated on me, he interfered with my work, isolated me from friends and family, locked me in the house so I couldn't leave, and yes...physically abused me. And I let him.
In a way, I became ADDICTED to the chaos and the abuse. I was getting attention from him. And in my sick brain, ANY attention from from him was better than none. Even if it put my life in danger. I actually instigated arguments just to get SOME kind of reaction from him. ANYTHING...I needed him to pay attention to me. I was sick too.
I had NO self esteem left. NONE. And I allowed "satan" to break me down. My choice to stay with him, my choice to allow another person to control me, and hurt me.
Luckily, I made it out alive. I chose to leave, and my friends and family couldn't have been more supportive (an relieved) in seeing this man out of my life.
He has since battered and raped many women, and was just arrested back in September for hurting another woman. (I Googled his name) My heart goes out to them.
Nothing changed for him... but it did for me.
You need to get out.... NOW.
Do you have family or friends that will help you?
I left him while he was at work one afternoon, didn't tell him where I was going or that I was leaving. Too dangerous.
My F&F came to help me.
Best decision of my life.
Please get help. Try not think too far into the future of "what if's"... just take that ONE step and the rest will follow...one day at a time.
Big hugs to you Christena, please be careful.