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Old 08-04-2011, 12:56 PM
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Need Opinions ?

I am actually posting for my sister. She took our cousin in to her home 2 1/2 weeks ago. He was in a rehab for 3 months for meth addiction. She picked him up on a Saturday. Turns out he tells her two days after that he left the program three days early so he would not have give the centre 400.00 for
his stay for the month of July. He was upset that he had to pay 400.00 a month to stay there when others were covered 100% by the goverment. He is on a 900.00 a month pension. Now the rehab will not let him enter there aftercare program due to leaving early. To me this is typicall addiction personality. I have seen it enough with my own AS. Last week she was on holidays and she drove and picked him up daily for AA programs getting him used to a new town and enviroment. This week she had him purchase a bus ticket to get around town, he is 44 with a leg and arm disability however he can still take the bus. In 5 days he has gone to one meeting and spends his days sun tanning in the backyard.
When he first came out of program he stated that his meetings were number one everything else secondary. This morning she asks if he is going to a meeting he says no, when she asks why he says its summer and he likes to relax. She made him go wich I know from past experience does not work.

I told her he is not working his recovery,number one leaving the program early, only went to meetings when she drove him. To me he is headed for a relapse. If it were me I would ask him to make other alternative living arrangements. He is very lazy in her home also. Just sits in a chair all day smoking.
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:01 PM
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He did go to his AA this morning however was upset about being told to go. I really like our cousin he is a kind gentle person, however he has been a meth user for 10 years, lived on the streets, and has had 3-4 months sobriety at a time. He has lived this pattern for years. I told her he should not be suntanning daily in her backyard like he was on vacation. Any responses would be appreciated. Thankyou so much.
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Old 08-04-2011, 02:17 PM
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Well, just as you know how long it took for you to FINALLY become 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' it will take whatever it takes for her.

Give her a 'list' of Alanon meetings, and just like with your AS when she is ready she will go.

Anytime she starts on a dissertation on the 'latest' a simple response is:

"what are you going to do about this/these acts or actions and how they affect you?"

I have had to ask this question many many times of those who have come to me about their particular A.

It is her choice to allow him to continue to stay in her home, with or without boundaries.

I cannot tell them what to do, can only share what I do in a similar situation.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-04-2011, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by katie44
To me this is typical addiction personality.
That says it all, Katie, you know the dance, you know the drill. Now she's just got to learn it too, and don't be surprised if it takes a while.

Meanwhile she may want to hide her valuables and sleep with her purse...sorry, just sayin'

I will keep her and the man in my prayers.

Hugs
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Old 08-05-2011, 08:03 AM
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I suppose I am just concerned, I know I need to step back. Three days she has asked him to cut the lawn he says okay and then does not do it. He just lays in a lounger in her backyard tanning. I have told her he is taking advantage of the situation. He is not on vacation, he is supposed to be working his recovery and setting up housing. His reply is the goverment housing person is on holiday, the drug counsellor is on holiday. Of course I know this not to be true. Now he says he only has to attend 3 AA meetings a week. He does not even empty an ashtray. She waits on him hand and foot as if he has some terminal illness. Even with his disability he can still help with house chores.
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Old 08-05-2011, 08:06 AM
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katie,

What would you do if this were your AS?

You can't make her "see the light" you can only share your experience, strength and hope - as laurie advised, hand her a list of AlAnon/NarAnon meetings.

Good luck.
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Old 08-05-2011, 08:07 AM
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There is essentially nothing you can do other than what has already been suggested. If she's waiting on him hand and foot, he has no motivation to do much of anything, does he?

Take good care of yourself dear!
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Old 08-05-2011, 08:15 AM
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My brother did this whole deal. A few times. My personal opinion, what I've seen through him is, the mindset and the attitude it takes for someone to get themselves clean cannot happen as long as they display arrogance.

3 months out of rehab, my brother grabbed a beer with lunch at a bbq. He was also an alcoholic before a drug user. My family says "do you think that's a good idea?" someone who takes recovery seriously will at least be open to that suggestion. My brother says "jeez, I can handle ONE beer". <--- that's when I personally knew he wasn't gonna be clean long. took the rest of my family a lot longer to remove the benefit of the doubt.

How quickly an addict goes from "ill do anything to make it up to you" to "Jeez I can handle this, get off my back!" Reminds me of the old adage "pride cometh before the fall"

My dad asked my brother to clean out the basement. every day he said hed do it. 3 months later, never touched it.

Hang in there. Sometimes the worst part is that we cant make a decision for our family member to protect them. They have to chose to protect themselves just like an addict has to chose to get well. I'm in the same situation. You aren't alone.
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Old 08-05-2011, 08:21 AM
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Katie,

I think your instincts and take on this situation are spot-on. Your cousin does not seem to be serious about his recovery, is acting like he is at a resort as opposed to been taken in by a good samaritan, and is generally being an ass on the fast track to relapse. The problem, however, lies in the very first thing you posted:

Originally Posted by katie44 View Post
I am actually posting for my sister...
She does seem to be working in classic co-dependent mode, and your cousin is taking advantage of it, is likely to relapse, etc. But none of that is your responsibility, and the actions and outcomes are entirely beyond your control. I suspect you've already had the conversation, but it seems to me all you can do is tell your sister how you feel and drop it.
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Old 08-05-2011, 10:12 AM
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If it were my AS I would ask him to make other living arrangements, however it took me five years. I had to become as sick as he was with his addiction and work my own program. So I guess I just answered my own question. I know how manipulative addicts can be I find it upsetting. He is not taking his recovery seriously. We all have to work everyday, the thought of him suntanning on the deck, sipping lemonade, not picking up after himself peeves me. My sister has watched over the years the struggle we have had with AS ???? Cousin tells her all the things she wants to hear. She has asked me to leave the subject alone, I will just really needed to vent about Mr. Holiday. Prior to being at the rehab he was living at a shelter, walking the streets all day. Just a little nervous he may relapse on meth in her home. I am not familiar with meth users or there actions. My AS is a crack addict and alcoholic. Part of me has even thought maybe I am being a little prejudice and not giving him a chance ?
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Old 08-05-2011, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by katie44 View Post
She has asked me to leave the subject alone
Well there you go. She's not ready to make any changes.

I used to beat my head against the wall over my parents enabling my AD, and it drove me nuts.

Today I accept where they are at in their lives. I don't have to like it in order to accept it. I have peace of mind now instead of being frustrated.

Give your sister the dignity to walk her own path and you walk yours!
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:24 PM
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Hello, This is my first time on this site. I don't even know If I am on the right forum. I have been married to a addict for 13 yrs. We have 3 children. He went to a 3 month treatment 5 yrs ago. (almost to the day) A year ago I have been thinking he was messing up & using again. But he lies about everything! He would say know then he would be okay for a few months. Since June he has been on a downword slide. I knew that he was using. He spent all of our money & was way out of controle! I did soething I have never done before I told him I was not going to let him do this to me & the kids anymore. I told him he had to leave! That sent him on a 3 day high! I got a call from the Hospital that said he had overdosed & died & they brought him back! He is is a de tox program right now! I just dont know what to do & just needed some one to talk to & maybe gets some good advice from others that have been threw this. Thank You
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Old 08-05-2011, 03:32 PM
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Sadwife, welcome to SR and yes you are in the right forum. If you don't mind, I'm going to copy and paste what you have said in a new thread so you get more responses, okay?
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Old 08-05-2011, 06:11 PM
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Thank you freedom!! How do I find were you are putting it? Soi can read the replies. I am just figuring this site out! I will get better at it! Lol. Thank you
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Old 08-08-2011, 04:26 AM
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My sister called yesterday, her and her husband are going away this coming weekend. They are leaving cousin home by himself, she has asked me to stop by and check on him. Oh and if he feels like going to a meeting could I take him and pick him up. I told her no he could take the public transit. Now she is upset me, hung up on me. He is so smooth he calls my spouse and I last nite wanting to know if we could help him set up his future goals ? Of course my sister thinks thats wonderful that he is reaching out to us. Just a manipulation tactic on his part. I told him no to call the drug and rehab counselling. He has not been to a meeting since I last posted. I stopped by her house on Saturday, there he is in the backyard laying on the lounger like its a resort, and asks me to grab him a coke while Im in the house, then yells can I put it in a glass. Really cant put my finger on why I am so angry ? I know I need to step back. I love my sister, I see she is being taking advantage of and I find it infuriating. Yes he is clean ( my sister keeps reminding me of that ) but he is still behaving like an addict. She has a time bomb in her home about ready to go off. He has been as this for 20 years, very manipulative.
Why am I so upset over this, I feel like Ive taken 3 steps backwards in my own recovery.?
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:58 PM
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Any time I see someone making the same mistakes I did, I immediately want to enlighten them. When they don't want to hear what I have to say, I start to feel the old familiar urge to push harder but then I run smack into knowing I'm powerless. I end up having a huge battle with myself. I don't know if that's what's happening with you, but I can relate to your situation.
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Old 08-08-2011, 04:50 PM
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One of the hardest parts of having an addict in the family is how it complicates relationships within the family. It will take some time before your sister figures out what her boundaries are and what yours are with regard to your cousin.

My sister used to take my AD in when she was not welcome at home. In some ways I was glad because my AD was somewhere safe where she could cool off. In other ways I worried because I knew my sister might be victimized by having my D in her home. So, I always made sure that my sis knew the score with my D and let my sis make up her own mind about how she would handle situations. Over time, my D pulled enough stunts on my sister that my sis had to accept that she could not help my D. However, I know that my sis had to come to this on her own terms, in her own time.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:48 PM
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You can create some boundaries for yourself, such as I do not want to hear anything about what the cousin did not or should be doing. When your sister goes off on it,. remove yourself ( with love) from the situation.

You can also decline the opportunity to check in on the cousin, when your sister is not available.
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