Blogs


Notices

Confused

Old 09-20-2010, 09:48 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Blog Entries: 2
Confused

My divorce will be final on Thursday the 30th of September. It was not an easy decision to make and I have doubted my decision from the very day I filed.

My AH went into rehab to detox off of suboxone. I feel that he went into rehab only because his back was against the wall. During rehab, he must have had a spiritaual awakening because when he got out he had more life in him then I have seen in three years. He still lives in my home so I was able to observe a lot of behavior over the weekend and I really liked what I saw.

However, I do have a couple of concerns. Is there a honeymoon period after rehab? My ah seems high on life.. He is up at 6:30 am where he used to sleep until 3 pm. He is going to meetings, he is helping around the house and he made alot of amends and answered a lot of questions for me that had been left unanswered for a long time.

My AH has not asked me to change my mind, though I know that he wants me too. We did a lot of crying over the weekend, a lot of hugging and spent a good deal of time apart as well.

I'm thorougly confused as to what to do. Part of me wants to call off the divorce and for us to continue to work our programs and then with Gods help, try to salvage our marriage.

The other part of me is trying to look at this objectivly and question what my motives are. Am I feeling guilty for going through the divorce after he has cleaned himself up? Am I feeling guilt for hurting myself and someone that I dearly love with all my heart? Am I wanting to stay because it's easier to be comfortable then unhappy and deal with my heartache. Is this just the part out of rehab where he is gung ho about recovery.. He goes back to work today, to the resturant.. not the best place in the world to work when you are recovering from a drug addiction. The people in rehab told him not to go back there and work but he has bills and he needs money so he feels like temporarly he has no choice.. Not my business and I have kept my opinion to myself about this. He spent the last two days hanging out at his place of work watching football.. He claims that he is not an alcoholic to he can sit at the bar and drink tea and he will be ok. So is the complaceny already setting in?

Ah says that he plans on moving away next month. I know that I will never see him or talk to him again and that breaks my heart.

God this hurts and I don't know what to do. I have put in in my HP's hands and have yet heard back and answer. So I'm looking for some strenght and hope here.
jerect is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to jerect For This Useful Post:
Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 10:02 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,122
Hun, only you can make the decision of whether or not to follow through with the divorce, but to answer your question, yes, there is a "honeymoon" period after rehab. Some people call it the "pink cloud." They feel good and might have every intention of never drinking again, but, unless they consistently work on their sobriety, it is very easy to fall back into the trap.

As I said, it's your decision to make, but I would think long and hard before making any changes not already put into play. Divorce doesn't mean that there isn't a possibility of a future together. Lots of people get back together after a divorce, so don't feel like you'll never see him again. If it is meant to be, it will be.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (09-21-2010), greeteachday (09-20-2010), jerect (09-20-2010), rose (09-20-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 03:54 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
rose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Jerect,

You haven't really mentioned how long he has been out of recovery. I know you feel like you are in a real tight spot, but just like Suki mentioned you can always unite again should he continue on with his recovery. I think what he is going now is pretty normal, I do recall my husband on this real high as well. He still has a lot of hurdles to come to yet and it will be up to him on how he can handle it. It is going to be really impossible for you to have the answers you are looking for by the 30th. Can you delay it temporary?

Maybe your answer from HP is being answered....Keep us posted and try to relax your mind.

Rose
rose is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to rose For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (09-21-2010), jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 04:00 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Jerect, just because you follow through with a divorce doesn't mean you can't remarry IF and WHEN he proves himself. If he wants it bad enough, he'll still be there later. At least with a divorce under your belt your assets are seperated and you have a legal sayso in if he's under YOUR roof.

I just told my xah the other day that my house was not a swinging door. If he wanted to enter it, he could get in line with others who are trying to do so as well.

JMHO - follow through. You came here in 07 - I think I followed suit. 3 years is plenty of time. Make him prove himself just as any man would that enters your life. JMHO. It's hard I know.
Callie is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Callie For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 04:05 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 59,558
He spent the last two days hanging out at his place of work watching football.. He claims that he is not an alcoholic to he can sit at the bar and drink tea and he will be ok.
This caught my eye because it's not about the necessity to work there and pay bills, it's about a bad choice of places to hang out.

Rehab doesn't mean cured, it is simply a place where they can remain clean while they learn some tools of recovery. Is he following the guidelines they gave him? Or is he doing what he has always done, expecting a different outcome.


Jerect, only you can decide what is best, either way may cause you pain. Perhaps you can postpone the final date? If not, you can cancel and wait for the answer to come, then proceed again if necessary.

My heart and prayers go out for you. This must be a very difficult emotional time.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Ann For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 05:25 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,122
I agree with Callie. Follow through with the divorce. You can always get back together if he proves that he can remain sober and work on recovery. This has been going on too long to just chuck it all because he says he's not going to drink again.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010), tjp613 (09-20-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 06:13 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Blog Entries: 3
All I can say is that I'm sorry that you are so conflicted right now. That must be very hard. Only you can make the decision because only you will be the one who is impacted by that decision. No one here will be. Sometimes it helps to break it down into the three options.....write it down. Stop the proceedings, continue, or postpone. Then perhaps write down your feelings, expectations, desires, boundaries, and deal breakers in each category.

It's so hard not to think only with your heart but your future depends upon thinking with your mind too.

gentle hugs to you as you consider your options
Kindeyes is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Kindeyes For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 06:50 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
itisatruth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,286
Originally Posted by jerect View Post
The other part of me is trying to look at this objectivly and question what my motives are. Am I feeling guilty for going through the divorce after he has cleaned himself up? Am I feeling guilt for hurting myself and someone that I dearly love with all my heart? Am I wanting to stay because it's easier to be comfortable then unhappy and deal with my heartache.
Good questions to ask yourself - examining your motives helps to think things out...to play that tape all the way through. But while you do this, try not to just look at what he's doing right now....look at what you want in your life and why he hadn't fit into that before. You didn't make a rash decision. You got to that point that you knew you needed to make a change and you had reason to do it. You have nothing to feel guilty about; he made the decisions that brought you to this point.
itisatruth is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to itisatruth For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010), tjp613 (09-20-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 07:10 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
Just curious -- have you asked your attorney if it's possible to postpone the final court date? That way you wouldn't have to necessarily unravel everything you've already done if you want to just postpone it a couple of months. I am NOT suggesting you do that, but you may want to get ALL the information before making a decision.

Going back to the restaurant has lots of red flags all over it -- listen to your gut.
tjp613 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-20-2010, 08:27 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It's so hard not to think only with your heart but your future depends upon thinking with your mind too.
Balance...Achieving that balance is difficult, but I know you have the tools, Jerect. Whatever you decide does not have to be the end if his actions later tell you something different. Hugs...I'm sure this is very difficult.
greeteachday is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to greeteachday For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-21-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-21-2010, 09:24 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Blog Entries: 2
I filed the papers through the court house so I'm not sure if I can temporarily stop the process. I do know that if I do not show up for court next thursday morning the whole thing will be thrown out and I will still be married.

He has only been out of rehab since Thursday and he was only in for a week. I know, not enough time to do the work. He says he has changed this time and right now his actions are consitant with his words. He's up by seven, mowed the grass, did the laundry etc.. all the things that he never did the entire three years of our marriage.

I have been with this man for almost 4 years and married to him for three and a half. I have no doubt in my mind that I love him. It wouldent be this painful if I didnt love him. Do I love too much? Yes Do I have a great deal of guilt, Yes? Am I ready to say goodbye? I don't think I am. I'm hanging by a thread here because right now here is the man I married and fell in love with.. the sober man that I love and know can be the kind of husband that I deserve.. however, I have only known him sober for a short while. Most of our marriage has been nothing but lies and drugs and infideltity. I know that if I stay we have a long road of recovery ahead of us.. individualy and as a married couple.

Then there is the possiblitly of relapse and I go through this hell again.. I don't think my heart can handle that.

If I divorce him, i will make it a clean break. As soon as he moves out of my house which will be in a few weeks I will sever all contact with him because that is the only way I will be able to heal and grieve. I don't know if I'm ready to cut him out of my life.

I hate this feeling of anxiety and uncertainty..
jerect is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to jerect For This Useful Post:
Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-21-2010, 09:35 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Blog Entries: 3
Originally Posted by jerect View Post
the kind of husband that I deserve
jerect....those are very very important words...the kind of husband that YOU deserve.

We all have to struggle with our demons and sometimes those demons are people we love so very much. It's hard.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Kindeyes For This Useful Post:
Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-21-2010, 04:16 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
rose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I know when I was going through with my divorce I had no doubt in my mind...not one!
It did take me time to get to this point though, many friends and family trying to convince me to do it. I only made the decison to do it when I felt right about it, not when I was told to. Always on hopes that maybe this time he will stop. I think it was someone here that said sort of the samething that has been said to you....we could always get back together in the future if things got better, but until then get myself away from the choas.

I know you know, one week is not enough. Is he still pretty high on life?

Rose
rose is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to rose For This Useful Post:
gotahavfaith (09-22-2010), jerect (09-22-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-21-2010, 05:08 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I know when I was going through with my divorce I had no doubt in my mind...not one!


I did have doubts. Even though xah was in active addiction. I did what I had to do. Jerect, I feel for you, but even if you do file for divorce and he continues walking the walk, it doesn't mean that he has to leave unless YOU want him to leave.

It's a tough situation for you, I know. I know how you've struggled and I hate that you're still on the fence. Hugs to you girlie.
Callie is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Callie For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-22-2010)
Old 09-21-2010, 05:15 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have learned to trust my instincts, I wouldn't postphone anything.

A week in rehab and a week in recovery is but a drop in the bucket. If he gets it all together and remains in recovery for at least a year you can always rekindle your romance, and, that does mean you need to marry. Relapse is very common and there is so much to be lost when you are married to an alcoholic and or addict. A married person can be ruined financially, and in some cases never recover from the experience.

I would trust my gut!
dollydo is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
jerect (09-22-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-21-2010, 06:05 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ah says that he plans on moving away next month
BULL can you say MANIPULATION in play STILL????

Go ahead with your divorce, IF and that is a big IF he follows through with recovery (right now doesn't sound like he has learned much yet) there is nothing that says you two cannot, down the road, get back together.

"Moving away" is a MAJOR CHANGE that is FROWNED on the first year of recovery. You stick with the meetings and the sponsor you have started with.

Please stop 'double guessing' yourself. Go forth with your plans for YOUR RECOVERY.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to laurie6781 For This Useful Post:
coyote21 (09-21-2010), dollydo (09-21-2010), jerect (09-22-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-21-2010, 07:06 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
NightandDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
From Courage to Change - Oct 12th

Hi there Jerect -

Hope you don't mind my posting this reading from Al-Anon literature. I have it bookmarked because I opened up to this particular reading one day and it really spoke to me.

October 12th

"I NEEDED my husband to get sober so that we could live happily ever after, because I couldn't face the ugly disease that overshadowed every aspect of our relationship, and I couldn't face the emptiness I felt in my own life. It was so much nicer to think about a future of bliss, if only he could change.

In Al-Anon I had to unlearn a lot of romantic nonsense in order to find a satisfying life in the here-and-now. When my husband and I separated, my fantasies crashed, but with the support of the program, I learned to look to myself for happiness and to my own real life for enrichment. Two years later, when my husband and I reunited, I had to unlearn a new illusion, this time about recovery. My idea of health was now based on living alone. I had to learn to find a balance between taking care of myself and being there for my partner; I had to learn to love again."


I don't know, I just love this one. It has hope and recovery and interdependence. Thought it might provide you some insight/comfort.

NightandDay is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to NightandDay For This Useful Post:
Ann (09-21-2010), gotahavfaith (09-22-2010), greeteachday (09-21-2010), Impurrfect (09-23-2010), jerect (09-22-2010), laurie6781 (09-22-2010), Live (09-23-2010)
Old 09-23-2010, 10:53 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by jerect View Post
The people in rehab told him not to go back there and work but he has bills and he needs money so he feels like temporarly he has no choice.. Not my business and I have kept my opinion to myself about this. He spent the last two days hanging out at his place of work watching football.. He claims that he is not an alcoholic to he can sit at the bar and drink tea and he will be ok.
So does he get paid for hanging out at his place of work watching football? Perhaps that time would have been better spent looking for a different sort of employment as rehab suggested?

You are the only one who can let go of that big bag of guilt you are dragging around, hon.

I certainly would be viewing his current 'recovery' with a great deal of skepticism personally.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (09-23-2010), laurie6781 (09-23-2010), wicked (09-23-2010)
Old 09-23-2010, 11:56 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
NightandDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
to be blunt, his mission has been to either get high or get laid.......one is addict behavior, one is simply inexcusably indiscriminate behavior.
not to hi-jack here, but it is my understanding that both of these behaviors are addict behaviors -- in that they are compulsive behaviors whose roots lie in unresolved issues with the self.

if drug addiction is not labeled an "inexcusable behavior" we cannot label compulsive infidelity & sexual behaviors as such either.
NightandDay is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to NightandDay For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (09-23-2010), Impurrfect (09-23-2010)
Old 09-23-2010, 12:16 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
NightandDay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
anvil, i think i am using the term addiction more broadly -- to define any compulsive behavior, be it drug use, eating, sex, spending, obsessive thinking.

i also didn't mean to imply that infidelity was the result of drug use. . . but that they do go hand in hand speaks to the underlying issues of the individual. . that cause them to pick up drugs or anything else compulsive in the first place. all these behaviors are an attempt to fill a void and then they become compulsive and detrimental to the user's well-being, but still they cannot stop = addiction.
NightandDay is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:48 AM.