I filed the papers through the court house so I'm not sure if I can temporarily stop the process. I do know that if I do not show up for court next thursday morning the whole thing will be thrown out and I will still be married.
He has only been out of rehab since Thursday and he was only in for a week. I know, not enough time to do the work. He says he has changed this time and right now his actions are consitant with his words. He's up by seven, mowed the grass, did the laundry etc.. all the things that he never did the entire three years of our marriage.
I have been with this man for almost 4 years and married to him for three and a half. I have no doubt in my mind that I love him. It wouldent be this painful if I didnt love him. Do I love too much? Yes Do I have a great deal of guilt, Yes? Am I ready to say goodbye? I don't think I am. I'm hanging by a thread here because right now here is the man I married and fell in love with.. the sober man that I love and know can be the kind of husband that I deserve.. however, I have only known him sober for a short while. Most of our marriage has been nothing but lies and drugs and infideltity. I know that if I stay we have a long road of recovery ahead of us.. individualy and as a married couple.
Then there is the possiblitly of relapse and I go through this hell again.. I don't think my heart can handle that.
If I divorce him, i will make it a clean break. As soon as he moves out of my house which will be in a few weeks I will sever all contact with him because that is the only way I will be able to heal and grieve. I don't know if I'm ready to cut him out of my life.
I hate this feeling of anxiety and uncertainty..