2010 comes in with a BIG BANG ... He relapsed.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Callie 
Through it all he's slowly became a friend, not a husband. Not someone who I'm proud to be with or respectful, or that has my back or that provides for his family. I'm still playing the mom here. Making sure he doesn't stay up too late because he'll be worthless in the morning, making sure he's where he says he's going to be, harping on him to quit his terrible Mt. Dew habit, harping on him to quit smoking so much, please pick up after yourself, did you call a about b, did you call c about d? Is this taken care of, is that taken care of. It's a full time job and I'm tired. If he's just a friend now, he's a high maintenance friend that I don't need in my day to day life.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Wow, I just did a timeline based on my posts. Pretty much can guarantee there is a major catastrophe about 1x a month for 2 years now.
Wish me luck guys - heading out shortly. Scared to death, but one foot in front of the other THROUGH it. I pray for peace in my decision.
Wish me luck guys - heading out shortly. Scared to death, but one foot in front of the other THROUGH it. I pray for peace in my decision.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I'm so happy to hear you made the appt and it sounds like you're going. Good for you!
I wanted to share some thoughts on what Mrs. Magoo touched upon. Be prepared for his reactions when he finds out you saw an Attorney, much less filed for divorce. I can predict what he's going to do because I know, all too well, how the addict mind works. (Unfortunately)
Here's what he's going to try to throw at you:
He is going to really try to put all of his problems onto you. . . . every single one of them. Everything that has ever happened to him is going to be all your fault. How dare you just walk away now, after all you two have been through together! He's going to say that you lied to him when you said you would stick by him while he got Clean & Sober. He's going to a Methadone Clinic to get himself together for you and now, you just throw in the towel. I can pretty much guarantee you that a several day binge will take place. And through it all, you'll be reminded that you have really let him down. From all the crap he's feeding you about going to the Clinic just enough to keep himself out of trouble, that's a heap of crap! As an addict, he will be there every single chance he can to get every single milligram possible of Methadone. He's not going to miss a drop of it, Callie. No way! So don't believe any of that. It sounds like to me that he's already IN trouble, that's why THEY started him on a detox. That self imposed story is a bunch of sh*t! When someone is struggling, they will not even entertain the idea of lowering their dose. Why would they? This only risks a potential relapse all the more. I know several people at the Clinic I go to who want to detox and if they even had any difficulties within the past year or so, they doctors won't even speak with them about it. And when someone is put on a detox, it's only done when they have been given every opportunity to get it together and they didn't.
Just remember that you are not suddenly walking away, like he's going to try to tell you. You have tolerated more than anyone I have ever known. You have supported him throughout more detoxes, treatments, etc and he is the one who has chosen to keep using. Yes, it's hard to stay clean after a detox, but it can be done. But the addict has to want it more than the drugs.
Be prepared because it's going to get uglier before it gets better (as far as M goes) But rest assured, you are doing the right thing for not only yourself, but your boys as well. You deserve happiness without having to constantly worry about what's going to happen next.
I love ya!
I wanted to share some thoughts on what Mrs. Magoo touched upon. Be prepared for his reactions when he finds out you saw an Attorney, much less filed for divorce. I can predict what he's going to do because I know, all too well, how the addict mind works. (Unfortunately)
Here's what he's going to try to throw at you:
He is going to really try to put all of his problems onto you. . . . every single one of them. Everything that has ever happened to him is going to be all your fault. How dare you just walk away now, after all you two have been through together! He's going to say that you lied to him when you said you would stick by him while he got Clean & Sober. He's going to a Methadone Clinic to get himself together for you and now, you just throw in the towel. I can pretty much guarantee you that a several day binge will take place. And through it all, you'll be reminded that you have really let him down. From all the crap he's feeding you about going to the Clinic just enough to keep himself out of trouble, that's a heap of crap! As an addict, he will be there every single chance he can to get every single milligram possible of Methadone. He's not going to miss a drop of it, Callie. No way! So don't believe any of that. It sounds like to me that he's already IN trouble, that's why THEY started him on a detox. That self imposed story is a bunch of sh*t! When someone is struggling, they will not even entertain the idea of lowering their dose. Why would they? This only risks a potential relapse all the more. I know several people at the Clinic I go to who want to detox and if they even had any difficulties within the past year or so, they doctors won't even speak with them about it. And when someone is put on a detox, it's only done when they have been given every opportunity to get it together and they didn't.
Just remember that you are not suddenly walking away, like he's going to try to tell you. You have tolerated more than anyone I have ever known. You have supported him throughout more detoxes, treatments, etc and he is the one who has chosen to keep using. Yes, it's hard to stay clean after a detox, but it can be done. But the addict has to want it more than the drugs.
Be prepared because it's going to get uglier before it gets better (as far as M goes) But rest assured, you are doing the right thing for not only yourself, but your boys as well. You deserve happiness without having to constantly worry about what's going to happen next.
I love ya!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Callie I am so sorry that this has happened again. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You have the courage and the strength to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I have been thinking about you all day, Callie! You have decided to divorce as a way to end this cycle of pain. But I think you are going to soon feel a freedom that you didn't really consider when the filing-to-stop-the-pain plan took shape. I think you are going to be amazed when your grief begins to subside.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
I have been thinking about you all day, Callie! You have decided to divorce as a way to end this cycle of pain. But I think you are going to soon feel a freedom that you didn't really consider when the filing-to-stop-the-pain plan took shape. I think you are going to be amazed when your grief begins to subside.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Callie))) I've had the day from hell, but your post just made it all worth while. I'm so very proud of you, and thank you for bringing a bright spot into an otherwise horrible day!!
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
No scones in site. My mom was there ever presently 'TRYING' to stay in the background. I was so glad she was there. My sis was waiting, my dad and my bff. Dad got the kids off the bus. I promise you though after hearing OUR wedding song w/o SR I would have been toast. I've crossed a hump, but I have no doubt that they'll be more. AH loves me, but not without a fight. I feel totally betrayed because he read on here/has read on here, but the support that I feel is worth more than that. I pray that he sees that. I pray that he can find his heart in this somehow to just freaking let me go. Thank you SO much. This is the hardest thing EVER but I KNOW it lies with him and NOT me.
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Originally Posted by serenityqueen
Be prepared for his reactions when he finds out you saw an Attorney, much less filed for divorce. I can predict what he's going to do because I know, all too well, how the addict mind works. (Unfortunately)
Here's what he's going to try to throw at you:
He is going to really try to put all of his problems onto you. . . . every single one of them. Everything that has ever happened to him is going to be all your fault. How dare you just walk away now, after all you two have been through together! He's going to say that you lied to him when you said you would stick by him while he got Clean & Sober. He's going to a Methadone Clinic to get himself together for you and now, you just throw in the towel. I can pretty much guarantee you that a several day binge will take place. And through it all, you'll be reminded that you have really let him down. From all the crap he's feeding you about going to the Clinic just enough to keep himself out of trouble, that's a heap of crap! As an addict, he will be there every single chance he can to get every single milligram possible of Methadone. He's not going to miss a drop of it, Callie. No way! So don't believe any of that. It sounds like to me that he's already IN trouble, that's why THEY started him on a detox. That self imposed story is a bunch of sh*t! When someone is struggling, they will not even entertain the idea of lowering their dose. Why would they? This only risks a potential relapse all the more. I know several people at the Clinic I go to who want to detox and if they even had any difficulties within the past year or so, they doctors won't even speak with them about it. And when someone is put on a detox, it's only done when they have been given every opportunity to get it together and they didn't.
Just remember that you are not suddenly walking away, like he's going to try to tell you. You have tolerated more than anyone I have ever known. You have supported him throughout more detoxes, treatments, etc and he is the one who has chosen to keep using. Yes, it's hard to stay clean after a detox, but it can be done. But the addict has to want it more than the drugs.
Be prepared because it's going to get uglier before it gets better (as far as M goes) But rest assured, you are doing the right thing for not only yourself, but your boys as well. You deserve happiness without having to constantly worry about what's going to happen next.
I love ya!
Here's what he's going to try to throw at you:
He is going to really try to put all of his problems onto you. . . . every single one of them. Everything that has ever happened to him is going to be all your fault. How dare you just walk away now, after all you two have been through together! He's going to say that you lied to him when you said you would stick by him while he got Clean & Sober. He's going to a Methadone Clinic to get himself together for you and now, you just throw in the towel. I can pretty much guarantee you that a several day binge will take place. And through it all, you'll be reminded that you have really let him down. From all the crap he's feeding you about going to the Clinic just enough to keep himself out of trouble, that's a heap of crap! As an addict, he will be there every single chance he can to get every single milligram possible of Methadone. He's not going to miss a drop of it, Callie. No way! So don't believe any of that. It sounds like to me that he's already IN trouble, that's why THEY started him on a detox. That self imposed story is a bunch of sh*t! When someone is struggling, they will not even entertain the idea of lowering their dose. Why would they? This only risks a potential relapse all the more. I know several people at the Clinic I go to who want to detox and if they even had any difficulties within the past year or so, they doctors won't even speak with them about it. And when someone is put on a detox, it's only done when they have been given every opportunity to get it together and they didn't.
Just remember that you are not suddenly walking away, like he's going to try to tell you. You have tolerated more than anyone I have ever known. You have supported him throughout more detoxes, treatments, etc and he is the one who has chosen to keep using. Yes, it's hard to stay clean after a detox, but it can be done. But the addict has to want it more than the drugs.
Be prepared because it's going to get uglier before it gets better (as far as M goes) But rest assured, you are doing the right thing for not only yourself, but your boys as well. You deserve happiness without having to constantly worry about what's going to happen next.
I love ya!
If that's what it is, it is what it is. I don't think he'll do that, but if he does I'm ready.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
awww, ((Callie)), it's hard to believe you're the same woman as the one who first came here.....so damned PROUD OF YOU!!!!
I know this is just the first step, but you are on your way, sweetie, and you have a ton of support backing you up, all the way!
Love you!!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know this is just the first step, but you are on your way, sweetie, and you have a ton of support backing you up, all the way!
Love you!!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Yea me! lol! Off to bed guys. More details tomorrow. To exhausted to post anything tonight. PLUS I'm not sure of the stance that AH is going to take. THANK YOU SO MUCH my cyberfreinds for being there. I couldn't have / wouldn't have done it without you though I KNOW it needed done.
THANKS again! Luv ya!
THANKS again! Luv ya!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
SOOOOOO proud of you Callie. I know you were scared for a hundred different reasons but you took a deep breath and just jumped. I know that real soon you will be able to feel ok or more than ok about finally getting off the rollercoaster.
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Posts: 1,906
AH left for the clinic today. I said that I would take him (his car is totaled and the insurance agent said to NOT let him anywhere near mine).That was one of the top questions after I told him he couldn't take my SUV was how am I going to get dosed. I have no intentions of leaving him high and dry. He agreed @ first for me to take him, but then when I came back from getting the kids last night, he said he had a ride. His mom just came out to pick him up, he took her home and is taking HER car to the clinic today. He admittedly (sp?) said that he had 'other' things to do. One of them was to see his counselor and his sponsor. One of them on the list was to buy more methadone (remember he's on 60 when he was use to 80-100 @ the other clinic). I said please don't do it to get high. He said it's so he wouldn't return to heroin. (100 is closer to his blocking dose) Serenity Queen hit it spot on. I simply said that he had a choice to leave this M with as much dignity as he could muster, or he could leave a active drug addict.
I PRAY that he chooses the high road, but he may not. When we had our initial conversation he was in tears, remorseful etc. Later and this am he's somewhat flipped it on me because he has nowhere to go, is losing everything, no $, how would 'I' feel if he did this to me etc.
I guess I'm not asking for advice (though I'll take it). I'm just putting it out there for those who may be in my shoes. He'll choose to do what he chooses to do. I pray that it's the right thing, but if it's not BTDT and I hope God holds him in the palm of his hand and keeps him safe.
He asked that I not tell his mom yet because she'll go ballistic. He was crying off and on all night and said he can't deal with her bs right now. I said that I would LIKE to still have a civil relationship with her, for EVERYONE involved. I don't know if you all remember the trouble I've had with her, but it is a possibility that it could/would get really bad with her when she realizes that I'm done. (sorry to awefulize again Anvil, just trying to be prepared). The thing with her is that she DOES love me, but when she finds out that he's now on her (self imposed) doorstep, she'll probably lose it.
I'm totally waffling on my feelings. I have the timeline of everything that I've been through, but I have been with him for SO long. It's toxic, I've known it has been, but it's still a connection. Healthy or not. So today, I'll spend it here on SR and trying to put numbers to all of the assets that we have taken 15 years to build so that they may be fairly divided. I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing, but as I put my kids on the bus today I am tormented for what they're about to endure. I know it can't be any worse than what they've already been through, but he's still their dad and they love him dearly.
He has no idea where he's going. He said he WILL NOT go in to his moms. I'm glad for that. His mom's is extremely toxic for both of them. I think he's entertaining the thought of possibly going to his dad's for a few months (7 states away). I pray that he makes the right choice.
It's hard too because I have always been the dominant one in our marriage (imagine that). Always directing $, always being the leader in major decisions that we have to make. I am the one in charge or rental properties, how much $ we need in our savings. I am the one 'in charge' of the kids. Not that he's not, but I'm the one who is the room mother, knows their teachers, friends etc. He's pretty much went with the flow and trusts my decisions. Now I have made the decision that it's best for us to part. He's still here, we'll try to work this out as best as we can with the division of assets, but I am not sure what I'll do when he's really gone.
I don't regret my decision. I know that it's best for everyone involved, but it's still tough to deal with. I've been so unhappy and so miserable for so long. It had to be done.
I PRAY that he chooses the high road, but he may not. When we had our initial conversation he was in tears, remorseful etc. Later and this am he's somewhat flipped it on me because he has nowhere to go, is losing everything, no $, how would 'I' feel if he did this to me etc.
I guess I'm not asking for advice (though I'll take it). I'm just putting it out there for those who may be in my shoes. He'll choose to do what he chooses to do. I pray that it's the right thing, but if it's not BTDT and I hope God holds him in the palm of his hand and keeps him safe.
He asked that I not tell his mom yet because she'll go ballistic. He was crying off and on all night and said he can't deal with her bs right now. I said that I would LIKE to still have a civil relationship with her, for EVERYONE involved. I don't know if you all remember the trouble I've had with her, but it is a possibility that it could/would get really bad with her when she realizes that I'm done. (sorry to awefulize again Anvil, just trying to be prepared). The thing with her is that she DOES love me, but when she finds out that he's now on her (self imposed) doorstep, she'll probably lose it.
I'm totally waffling on my feelings. I have the timeline of everything that I've been through, but I have been with him for SO long. It's toxic, I've known it has been, but it's still a connection. Healthy or not. So today, I'll spend it here on SR and trying to put numbers to all of the assets that we have taken 15 years to build so that they may be fairly divided. I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing, but as I put my kids on the bus today I am tormented for what they're about to endure. I know it can't be any worse than what they've already been through, but he's still their dad and they love him dearly.
He has no idea where he's going. He said he WILL NOT go in to his moms. I'm glad for that. His mom's is extremely toxic for both of them. I think he's entertaining the thought of possibly going to his dad's for a few months (7 states away). I pray that he makes the right choice.
It's hard too because I have always been the dominant one in our marriage (imagine that). Always directing $, always being the leader in major decisions that we have to make. I am the one in charge or rental properties, how much $ we need in our savings. I am the one 'in charge' of the kids. Not that he's not, but I'm the one who is the room mother, knows their teachers, friends etc. He's pretty much went with the flow and trusts my decisions. Now I have made the decision that it's best for us to part. He's still here, we'll try to work this out as best as we can with the division of assets, but I am not sure what I'll do when he's really gone.
I don't regret my decision. I know that it's best for everyone involved, but it's still tough to deal with. I've been so unhappy and so miserable for so long. It had to be done.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I too am very proud of you Callie! Good job and way to stay strong. You will have moments of "waffling" so just breath and don't act on them. They will pass.
I don't like that he is reading your stuff on here. How about you change your password. He doesn't need to know every move you make or every thought that crosses your mind. Addicts are manipulators and you are opening yourself up to be emotionally played and tormented. I understand that you have children together and assets to divide however, you need to put some boundaries in place and draw a line that doesn't get crossed. The lawyers can sort that stuff out.
His mom may be mad at you for a while but like you said, it's only because SHE doesn't want to deal with him and that in and of itself says that he's lost his mother's respect and support (so why should you be any more tolerant?). He has to "loose" everything. He has consequences that he needs to face Callie. Hopefully he is going to a meeting and seeing his sponsor and not just blowing smoke but expect the worst and DO NOT GO RUNNING TO HIS RESCUE. If he calls messed up-hang up. If he needs a ride - don't go. If he needs $$ - don't give it to him. You cannot continue to take care of AH b/c you are going to have enough to do just in taking care of yourself and the twins.
Whew! I was sweating bullets for you yesterday. I'm so glad you had your family and BFF there (not to mention half of SR sitting in the lobby rooting you on). It does get better - eventually.
I don't like that he is reading your stuff on here. How about you change your password. He doesn't need to know every move you make or every thought that crosses your mind. Addicts are manipulators and you are opening yourself up to be emotionally played and tormented. I understand that you have children together and assets to divide however, you need to put some boundaries in place and draw a line that doesn't get crossed. The lawyers can sort that stuff out.
His mom may be mad at you for a while but like you said, it's only because SHE doesn't want to deal with him and that in and of itself says that he's lost his mother's respect and support (so why should you be any more tolerant?). He has to "loose" everything. He has consequences that he needs to face Callie. Hopefully he is going to a meeting and seeing his sponsor and not just blowing smoke but expect the worst and DO NOT GO RUNNING TO HIS RESCUE. If he calls messed up-hang up. If he needs a ride - don't go. If he needs $$ - don't give it to him. You cannot continue to take care of AH b/c you are going to have enough to do just in taking care of yourself and the twins.
Whew! I was sweating bullets for you yesterday. I'm so glad you had your family and BFF there (not to mention half of SR sitting in the lobby rooting you on). It does get better - eventually.
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